TFLN: Wrestling Style
Okay, I'm jumping on the Texts From Last Night bandwagon. This was inspired by Kermit The Yoda (Check her stories out, BTW, she's awesome!) and her Texts From Last Night: Pro Wrestling Edition. I couldn't help throw in my offering, TFLN is just too fun and too hard to resist.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing (except Anna Hollenbeck). Any other OC's mentioned are property of their respective writers. BTW, Ryan Shamrock was Ken's kayfabe little sister during 1999 who got involved with Val Venis.
To: Justin Gabriel
From: Wade Barrett
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
To: Chris Jericho
From: Edge
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
To: Shannon Moore
From: Matt Hardy
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
To: Twitter
From: Matt Hardy
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
To: Undertaker
From: James Lawson
Subject: Mindy Stratus-Lawson
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
To: Mr. Anderson
From: Rob Van Dam
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
To: Rob Van Dam
From: Mr. Anderson
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
To: Mr. Anderson
From: Rob Van Dam
Tie
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Ryan Shamrock
Subject: Losing it to Val Venis
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
To: Ryan Shamrock
From: Anna Hollenbeck
You're 20.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Ryan Shamrock
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
To: Twitter
From: Randy Orton
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
To: Matt Hardy
From: Lita
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
To: Lita
From: Matt Hardy
You're the best girlfriend ever.
To: Jeff Hardy
From: CM Punk
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
To: Matt Hardy
From: Shannon Moore
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
To: Shannon Moore
From: Matt Hardy
you tried to order a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
To: Twitter
From: Kurt Angle
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
To: Matt Hardy
From: Anna Hollenbeck (Jeff Hardy was also involved)
hey this is Anna, i have to type for Jeff because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
To: Twitter
From: James Lawson
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
To: Twitter
From: Shannon Moore
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
To: Edge
From: Matt Hardy
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
To: Matt Hardy
From: Edge
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck (high school setting)
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Cooper Lawson
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
To: Daniel Bryan
From: Evan Bourne (high school setting)
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
To: Edge
From: Christian
Subject: Anna
She drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got her phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
To: Twitter
From: Stephanie McMahon (College setting)
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
To: Justin Gabriel
From: Daniel Bryan
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Ryan Shamrock
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
To: Ryan Shamrock
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
To: Edge
From: Christian
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
To: Cody Rhodes
From: Randy Orton
dude. I'm so drunk.
To: Randy Orton
From: Cody Rhodes
Randy, this is Cody's mom
To: Cody Rhodes
From: Randy Orton
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
To: Randy Orton
From: Cody Rhodes
Randy, this is still Cody's mom
To: Kimo
From: Matt Hardy
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
To: Twitter
From: Daniel Bryan
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
To: Chris Jericho
From: Christian
Subject: Practical joke on Edge (Anna Hollenbeck and CM Punk were also involved—college setting)
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
To: Christian
From: Edge
Subject: Sex with Jeff Hardy
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
To: Heath Slater
From: Justin Gabriel
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
To: Randy Orton
From: John Cena
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
To: John Cena
From: Randy Orton
On my iPhone they have an app for that
To: Twitter
From: Rob Van Dam
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
To: Jeff Hardy
From: CM Punk
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
To: Everyone on her phone list
From: Kelly Kelly
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
To: Twitter
From: Christian
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
To:Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
To: Maryse
From: Ted DiBiase
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
To: Twitter
From: Laycool
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
To: Rob Van Dam
From: Jeff Hardy
I wonder if u can grow weed on Farmville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
To: Christian
From: Edge
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
To: Cooper Lawson
From: Jeff Hardy
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Ryan Shamrock
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. Ever.
To: Chris Jericho
From: Matt Hardy
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Anna Hollenbeck
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Jeff Hardy
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxicating. your liver will thank you. "
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Shannon Moore
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
To: Shannon Moore
From: Jeff Hardy
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
To: Twitter
From: CM Punk
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Cooper Lawson
bring the vodka.
To: Cooper Lawson
From: Jeff Hardy
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Cooper Lawson
we are.
To: The Undertaker
From: James Lawson
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
To: Twitter
From: Matt Hardy
Subject: Lita
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck (college setting)
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
To: Twitter
From: Shannon Moore
A lesson I learned in the hospital...when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
To: Matt Hardy
From: Kimo
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
To: Kimo:
From: Matt Hardy
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
To: Miz
From: John Morrison
Subject: Melina
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
To: Twitter
From: Evan Bourne
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Shannon Moore
hows the party?
To: Shannon Moore
From: Jeff Hardy
ists fjcssing insceredle
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Shannon Moore
be there in 10
To: Twitter
From: Kelly Kelly
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabilities. Time slots begin at noon
To: Christian
From: Matt Hardy
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
To: Chris Jericho
From: Christian (during the trish/christian/jericho storyline)
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
To: Christian
From: Chris Jericho
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
To: John Cena
From: Randy Orton
Subject: Sex with Evan Bourne
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
To: The Undertaker
From: James Lawson
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
To: Twitter
From: Randy Orton
im at a loss of words... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Rob Van Dam
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
To: Rob Van Dam
From: Jeff Hardy
worker bees can leave...even drones can fly away...the queen is their slave
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Rob Van Dam
nevermind...I'm on the way
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
I really wanna talk..
To: Edge
From: Jeff Hardy
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
To: Mr. Anderson
From: Rob Van Dam
He's a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
To: James Lawson
From: Mindy Stratus-Lawson
Subject: Anna Hollenbeck's party
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
To: Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam, and Mr. Anderson
From: Shannon Moore
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
To: Ken Shamrock
From: Val Venis
I'm fucking your sister right now.
To: Val Venis
From: Ken Shamrock
You motherfucker
To: Ken Shamrock
From: Val Venis
She's next.
To: Mr. Anderson
From: Rob Van Dam
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
To: Rob Van Dam
From: Mr. Anderson
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
To: CM Punk
From: John Morrison
Subject: Melina
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
To: John Morrison
From: CM Punk
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: CM Punk
Subject: Sex with John Morrison (domestic JoMo)
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
To: Shannon Moore
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Subject: Partying with Daniel Bryan (Evan Bourne was also involved)
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
To: Christian
From: Matt Hardy and Edge
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
To: Twitter
From: Rob Van Dam (high school (college setting)
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
To: Christian
From: Edge
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
To: Edge
From: Christian
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
To: Christian
From: Edge
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
To: Rob Van Dam
From: Matt Hardy
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passed out. when you wish upon a star...
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