Pairing: R/T (so needless to say)
Rating: T
Warnings: Strong coarse language, a lot of swearing on Tonks' part (since I couldn't help myself... -cough-)
Length: about 3,795 words (sufficient?)
Disclaimer: A Writer's Discussion (yet another play of mine)
Me (dancing around): "HP so belongs to ME!!"
JKR (calmly): "So does not."
Me (teasingly): "Oh so does!!"
JKR (getting annoyed): "So does not!"
Me (outright mocking now): "Oh yeah, so does!!"
JKR (calmly again): "See these papers? It's the rights of HP and oh look! MY name is on there! Where's yours?"
Me (scowling at JKR): "I hate you..."
JKR (smirking): I get used to it.
- To Be Continued -
Nah, I don't really hate JKR. Actually, I have to love her, otherwise I wouldn't be a fanfiction writer now, would I? Oh yeah, we all owe her...
Summary: (...) she had wanted to get back at him badly for months and Christmas seemed such a wonderful opportunity (...) - Not necessarily a One-Shot, if reviews show interest I'd like to make a short series out of this. AS for the content, Tonks is angry with Remus because he always succeeds in mocking her yet she has never succeeded in mocking him in return. As a result, she makes up a steel-proved plan to catch him off guard - but will it actually work?
Beta: ...er... better don't ask...
Author's Notes: Imagine: It's yesterday evening, I'm trying to make some progress on my new chaptered fic but it's not really working (blame the evil writer's block). Therefore I skip through some old story outlines of mine that have yet to be written out and made into real stories and suddenly, I trip over the beginning of a story that I had abandoned months ago. I read the little piece (not more than 400 words or so) and I just don't have the heart to erase it, thus I just simply write some more, out of fun, and then more and more and all of a sudden, there's this idea in my head and WHOOPS! I have a whole new story at hand which I hadn't, not even in the slightest, thought of before. But there it is now and I must say: It's not that bad. Well, I wish you fun reading then...
OoOoOoOoO
Plan #1 – The Mall, The Underwear And The Irresistible Puppy-Eyes
Christmas.
Oh, how she loved Christmas!
Christmas was… well, sorta hard to put in words. It was a mass of scents and things to see and hear; people all around in heavy jackets and coats and busy all the time, working late to finish everything until Christmas Eve; then snowy weather and cold breezes, children on the streets sleighing and snowballing; a Christmas tree in the hall that was almost big enough to reach the ceiling and decorated to the brim, presents lying under it in peaceful harmony and waiting to be wrapped open and eaten or played with or worn the next day; people singing Christmas carols all around (which was lovely even if they were out of tune – Sirius always was...); and finally the wonderful flavour of Christmas – gingerbread, cinnamon, just a hint of fir whenever she walked by the great tree in the hall, not to mention Molly's delicious stew and roasted duck as well and…
Tonks looked up from her musings.
Him, she thought. Of course, him too.
Remus…
That bloody GIT!
The man in question had entered the kitchen just then, smiling vaguely at everyone, a simple yet sweet "Morning" on his lips. He sat down in the chair next to Tonks, took a cup and pulled himself some tea while everybody else resumed eating their breakfast. Save her, that was, since she was so busy looking at Remus, frowning at him. She had been wondering all morning where he had been for he usually got up at around six and then could be found either in the kitchen or in the library. She had been searching him... well, not really, but let's say she had been on the vague look-out for the man yet she hadn't been able to find him anywhere this morning. The way he had entered the kitchen, however, had given her an idea which she hadn't thought of so far: His hair was slightly tousled, the jumper he was wearing looked rumpled just as much as the collar of the shirt he wore underneath as well as his tie, plus his voice had sounded quite a bit drowsy and his eyes seemed definitely sleepy and – had he just simply been sleeping all the time up until now? That was not at all like Remus, at least not like the Remus she knew, because the Remus she knew was a bloody soddin' gi… No, she shouldn't swear too much around Christmas, especially not in her mind. It was called the feast of family and love and bloody sod- er, just simply forgiveness for a reason, wasn't it?
Tonks eyed the man at her side curiously and after a minute or two he finally seemed to have noticed and raised a quizzical eyebrow at her in return.
"It's half past ten" she said, quite simply. He seemed slightly confused.
"I noticed, Tonks, but thank you for reminding me."
"No, I meant: It's half past ten."
Clearly, she hadn't made her point obvious enough for he still looked puzzled and even his brows had deeply furrowed by now. She sighed. Usually it was her who couldn't follow him whenever he told her anything, might it be work-related or just casual conversation, but this time it seemed that he was a bit slow himself which she'd rather thought she'd never witness... not alive anyway.
"Ten, Remus" she told him in earnest "I really don't think I've ever seen you get out of bed this late in the morning. Any morning, actually."
His gaze slowly shifted from confusion to comprehension as a smile formed on his lips. A very peculiar smile, that was, a smile she had known for months now and grown to be annoyed by in a very disturbing way. It proved to be some sort of trademark smile of his: The infamous smug smile.
Bugger that one!
Remus picked up his cup of hot tea from the table, the smell of peppermint immediately filling Tonks' nose, and he leaned back in his chair ever so casually.
"Very good observation, Nymphadora" he said, a low professor-like tone in his voice that she could tell was feigned. She tilted her head, scowling at him.
"DON'T call me-"
"Nymphadora?" he finished her sentence, that smug smile on his face again.
"Exactly" she said, pleased and nodded before she realised with a sudden jolt of irritation that he had just called her by that hateful Christian name of hers again and couldn't help a heated exclaim from escaping her mouth: "OI!"
But Remus, calm as he always was, just took a sip of his tea and kept smiling that trademark smile of his. He clearly seemed to enjoy teasing her, all the time actually, if she considered it now, and whenever he succeeded with his mockery, which was unfortunately quite often the case, she couldn't help but feel utterly infuriated and angry at him. But that wasn't worst, because on the other hand it just proved to be a sheer impossibility to catch that man off guard himself, or at least she hadn't been able to yet and she had certainly never seen anybody have any success with this, too, not even Sirius. Tonks sometimes wondered if Remus simply expected everything or if he was just too composed to let himself be pushed out of this irritating calmness of his. However, in any case, she hated him. Well, no, not really, but she had wanted to get back at him badly for months and Christmas seemed such a wonderful opportunity for she didn't think that he would expect her attempting any mischief on him around this time of the year. But then again, that man expected everything, and as a result, she needed a good plan!
Tonks' Christmas Mischief On Remus
Victim: Remus (obviously)
Purpose: Catching him off guard (needless to say)
Means for this to be put into action: A plan (check, see below), Tonks-ish charm (check, mirror-practised)
Plan #1 (better place a number there just in case it fails... though it won't!)
Note: Every point has to be followed strictly (!!) in order for the plan to succeed!
--
A) Get him on his own (that means when nobody else is around)
B) Talk him into buying a present for Sirius with you (that you actually already have but he doesn't know, of course...)
C) Lead him to the mall
D) and directly into the woman's underwear section
E) Tell him that now that you're here, it wouldn't hurt to buy some new underwear as well
F) and point out that you want him to comment on each and every single one of the pieces you intend to put on
G) Insist that he does!
H) Insist again!
I) Keep insisting until he agrees (Don't take no for an answer!)
J) Watch his embarrassment with a smug smile on your face (note: can also be the case before and after E; F; G; H)
K) Tell him you were joking
L) and that, for once, it was you who caught him off guard
M) See J (also possible after K)
N) Tease him a little more (e.g. "Why, did you really think I would let you see me in underwear? Such a naughty professor you are, Remus..." - also possible in connection with J)
O) Tell him that you will never let him forget
P) and put up that smug smile of yours once again
Q) Feel free to have a wonderful Christmas! ;D
R) Repeat points O; N; P in this order for the next, let's see, couple of years? (should be enough)
Possible upcoming problems that should be taken into consideration (just in case):
1) You might fail already at point A
2) or B
3) or C (and so on)
4) If point 1; 2 and/or 3 is the case – Don't give up!!
5) If plan fails at point I, remember motto from point 4
6) If plan fails at point G, because you don't need to insist and he actually accepts the Tonksian underwear show with that bloody soddin' smug smile of his – ... RUN!!
7) Get a new identity (after point 6) which includes having to quit your job (at least some leisure time then, huh?), walk out on your family (not as bad as it sounds), never see your friends again (definitely as bad as it sounds), find a new home (London is too crowded anyway) and stop being acquainted with Remus bloody Lupin, ever again (in this case – good!)
8) Shoot point 7 – stupid plan
9) Remember point 6 and then think of point 7 and contemplate point 8 again– maybe not such a stupid plan after all?
10) Sirius (no comment; just avoid)
11) If the whole plan works, Remus might actually be angry with you
12) Consider solution to point 6 with regard to point 11
13) Shoot point 12 – stupid plan
14) If point 11 actually is the case – just apologise, he'll understand (hopefully)
15) If solution provided in point 14 does not work, consider once again solution to point 6
16) Shoot point 15 – if point 11 actually is the case and the solution provided in point 14 really does not work: BUGGER IT ALL!!
17) If the unlikely event that the whole plan #1 fails occurs – MAKE A NEW PLAN!
Note: Get your arse off that chair and put your brand-new steel-proved plan into action! NOW!
Tonks hastily got up, knocking the chair over in the process, and looked down onto the paper she had been fervently scrawling on, satisfaction written all over her face. Her plan to catch Remus off guard finally had taken on form and it seemed pretty good so far. If only she took everything into consideration now that she had written for herself to take into consideration – well, then there was no way that this plan could ever fail…
"Reeemuuus!"
Tonks let the name roll off her tongue slowly and ever so teasingly as she shouted it into the corridors of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, slowly passing every room in the process. Not that she had practised this in front of a mirror before… well, maybe she had, but everything had to be perfect for her plan to work, so every means of preparation was allowed, even stupid exercising of calling the man's name in front of a dusty old mirror. So... where was he then?
"Oh, Reeemuuus!"
Tonks called out again, a little louder and even more teasingly than before. Practice hadn't been such a bad idea after all, she noted, smiling inwardly to herself. She was standing in the stairway now, the door to the library just two steps ahead. She had thought that she should find him there, because it clearly was a Remus-thing to be found reading books all the time, but when she glanced around the corner into the room she didn't see him sitting at his usual place by the fireside – in fact, nobody was in there at all. Now that was something she hadn't expected to see and felt her eyebrows shoot together. Where else could he be then? Really, this seemed quite suspicious, quite a lot actually... she wondered if-
"Looking for me, Nymphadora?"
Tonks jumped in surprise, screaming.
MERLIN'S SODDIN' PANTS!
With a startled movement she whirled round but in the process cockshyed the handle of the door to the library, tripped and fell right onto the ground. A sudden painful feeling shot through her head, her knees and her hands with which she had tried to cushion her fall - damn unsuccessfully though.
Oh, GREAT!
Lying face-down on the floor, she contemplated the voice that had just almost startled her to death and certainly had left her with a couple of new bruises at hand, and she would've even found this little wordplay funny, at hand, but not from this position and certainly NOT with her every part of her body hurting like this, and with rising anger she became aware of the fact that the voice clearly belonged to the man whom she had just made a 16 inch long plan for to catch off guard. However, this was not a point the plan had involved, especially seeing as, again, it was her who had been caught off guard rather than him, but before she could even decide on getting up and slapping him twice from the left to the right across his face, she felt two strong hands grip her around her shoulders and lift her up into a halfway steady standing position. She looked at the apparent culprit/rescuer.
Definitely Remus bloody Lupin. And OH the BLOODY hell, is he actually SMILING again?
"My, little lady" he exclamed in a mock-surprised tone and yes, he was definitely smiling that smug smile of his again "I see that the floor in the Black's house is an interesting piece of furnishing to admire but don't you think that you exaggerate your examinations just a tad bit too much at times, hm?"
REMUS BLOODY SODDIN' – Oh, shite, calm down, Tonks. Think logically, think plan-wise...
Tonks straightened herself up in front of the man and wiped the dust off her clothes before she took a deep breath of composure. And another one. And a third one. Well, he had at least picked her up from the floor, so there was nothing to be angry about, right? Nothing. Nothing except for the obvious fact the he had startled her to death and considering that bloo… (cough) smug smile on his face that he wore yet again, he had done it on purpose and apparently loved the outcome. But having her plan in the back of her mind, and secure in her jeans' pocket as well, just in case she forgot anything, Tonks threw the man in front of her a wide smile and said in a sweet, innocent enough voice:
"Oh no, Remus, everything's just fine, thanks so much for asking."
Well maybe, only maybe, there had been some slight sarcasm in there as well. He shouldn't have noticed though.
"I see" he answered, still smiling, a litte more vaguely now "I'm sorry for startling you, I reckon it's better not to startle the ones that tend to admire the ground as a rule, I forgot." The smile changed again, into his trademark smug smile. Oh, just sod off, you hypocrite! No wait, the plan, right. "So, I heard you calling my name? Anything in particular you want from me?"
Tonks glared. She was almost on the verge of saying: "Don't feel so special, you prat" but of course, it was crucial to stick to the plan in order for it to work, so she rather took a quick look around, trying to make out any other sign of life. Unfortunately, she couldn't see anybody else in the stairway except the two of them. Perfect occasion then...
"Yes, actually I wanted to ask you if you could help me with something."
Remus raised a quizzical eyebrow at her and she had the hardest time keeping her eyes from rolling in annoyance. That arched eyebrow always proved to be a sign of his at-any-given-time-everything-expecting skills which she had learned to distinguish over several months of fruitless attempts at mocking him in return. She knew now that she had to be very cautious...
Bugger, he must know that I'm up to something. Stick to the plan, Tonks, use your charms!
"And what, exactly, would that particular favour be that you need me to do?"
Tonks could feel her charm skills jump into action as she threw him an over-whelming, or at least so she thought, smile as an answer that usually nobody could resist, not even Sirius.
"Would you please, please help me find a present for Sirius? We could go to the mall and you could be my adviser and I would be forever grateful, I promise."
This time, Remus' other eyebrow shot up, too.
Whoops.
That was a surprise movement which almost caught her off guard - again. Unfortunately, Tonks hadn't come as far as to decipher what that meant yet.
"A present?" he said very slowly as if he couldn't believe her words and she wondered vaguely why.
"Yes" she replied sweetly, the innocent smile on her face never leaving.
"For Sirius?" he asked, equally slowly as before.
DUH!
"Yes" she answered yet again, hiding the growing annoyance in her voice.
"For Christmas?" Remus kept asking and she nearly lost all her patience at this, thinking that Merlin, the man could be daft sometimes, and should she write it down for him since he seemed to be more comprehensible when it came to books? Really...
"Of course" she replied in spite of herself and the not so enchanting thought that had just entered her mind, and before he even had the chance to ask her another stupid question she decided that she should make sure that he'd accompany her on her feigned shopping trip. "Don't give up" the plan had said, hadn't it, and she was going to stick to it, no matter what.
"You see, it's quite hard to find a decent little gift for my dear cousin, I'm sure you know what I mean, and therefore I thought to myself: Why not ask the man who is my dear cousin's best friend? I mean, there could be no one better than you to help me out there, right?"
HA!
Gotcha.
There was no way he would ever have a chance to decline her invitation now, not anymore. That just must have got him, she thought to herself, an inward cheer of triumph erupting inside her that was quite difficult to contain. Quite certainly, this meant that he was coming with her now, for sure, and therefore the hardest part, to get the plan in progress, was done with and everything else remained just a little yet solvable problem. Oh, dear Tonks-ish charm, she could almost feel it, revenge was so nigh-
"Tonks, I'm really sorry-" she frowned, that did not sound good. Just don't give up, stick to the plan! "but-"
"Oh, Remus, pleeeaaase!" she cut across him and finally drew her most dangerous yet also most irresistible weapon to win him over: the infamous puppy eyes! If there was anything to make sure of his acceptance of her invitation, it was the big, round puppy-eyes-look that she had been practicing for years and years on her parents and then later at Hogwarts on her teachers (never worked on Snape, by the way) and of course on her boyfriends as well. She jsut knew he wouldn't be able to withstand because nobody, ever, had been able to withstand, not even Sirius. And once again she could feel it, feel charming triumph and wonderful success, because revenge, oh yes, was ever so ni-
"Tonks, really, I would love to join you and help you find a present for Sirius" Remus shook his head "but it's too late for that."
"Oh, please" she started anew, ignoring his words for a moment and instead wondering vaguely why the usually magical puppy eyes hadn't worked by now "Can't you please, please- What?"
Tonks looked at the man in confusion. She had just processed the meaning of what he had said and – it didn't make sense. Not at all.
"What do you mean by: it's too late for that?"
The look Remus gave her was sympathetic, almost pitiful which was really strange, and he shook his head once more at her. Now that worried her. What was going on?
"Tonks, it's Christmas already, remember? A holiday, if you haven't noticed, and clearly you know that there are no shops open on holidays."
Wha-?
...
But-
That-
How-
...
Oh-
Bugger.
"Bugger."
It was all that Tonks could think of at this moment. Bugger. A holiday? Really? Christmas Eve was a soddin' holday? REALLY? And WHY ever wasn't this included in her plan? HUH?
Oh, screw the bloody plan. It's worthless!!
Remus looked at Tonks, a smile of sympathy on his face. Could he have chosen anything worse than this to make fun of her?
"You know, if you want, you can have half of my present for Sirius. It's gloves and a scarf for a dog, actually" he chuckled, she did so not think it was funny, well, not at the moment... "So why don't we split it up between us?"
Tonks contemplated for a second. Not his suggestion, of course, for it was ridiculous but she rather contemplated the obvious flaw in her plan that she hadn't thought of or simply overlooked at the time and damn, it bugged her like hell. So stupid, really, how could she ever have missed?
"No, thanks, that's… that's okay, I reckon I'll think of something myself" she answered feebly, unable to keep the disappointment out of her voice about the implausible fact that her plan, indeed, had failed though very possibly Remus thought that it was because she didn't have a present for Sirius. But of course she had one, he just didn't know, and oh, bugger that, it didn't matter anyway right now. DAMN, why ever did she have to forget all about holidays? Bloody, soddin' holidays!
"Oh... right, okay" Remus said, nodding his approval. He seemed to comtemplate for a second, shifting from one foot to the other, then added: "Well, er... then, if you'll excuse me" and he went past her as he made his way further downstairs. He shot one last glance at her, she hoped she had only imagined the beginning of a half-amused smile crossing his face, before he went on and was gone the next second. Tonks, however, remained still and frozen on the spot, glaring after him, wishing on some lucky star that he'd stumble and fall right this moment and hurt himself so much that she'd be left standing above him on the stairs, laughing at his fractured body in a maniac fashion. Unfortunately, no stars were visible. And unfortunately, Remus wasn't as clumsy as she was and therefore no sound of a man falling down the stairs and groaning at the pain being caused in the process reached her ears and she was actually left standing on the stairs, glaring at nothing in particular now that he was out of sight. Almost absend-mindedly, she reached a hand down into her pocket and pulled out the piece of paper where she had scribbled the plan on. She went down to point 17 immediately, the only one that remained to be of value anymore, and read it.
17) If the unlikely event that the whole plan #1 fails occurs – MAKE A NEW PLAN!
...
Well, at least she had thought of that.
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SO, this is my very first vacation into the comedy genre. Actually, it was quite some fun to write and I really hope you had fun reading as well. I would really love to make a chaptered fic out of this (though I don't think there'd be too many chapters), but at first I would like to know what you think. Was is any good? Please, please let me know! ;D
For this review's bribe you have the possibility to make your very own plan to catch Remus off guard. Funny, naughty, awkward, cross situations included, of course. But for the rec, don't be too disappointed if you won't succeed, because apparently nobody ever has...
So let's all practise the infamous puppy-eyes-look (SWEET!); bye bye und tschüß