I was listening to this song and it made me think of Kel and Cleon. Just a small fic on how Kel feels since Cleon left. It's not my best work but I did what I could. No flames s'il vous plaît.

Disclaimer: Kel, Cleon, and all other Tortall characters belong to Tamora Pierce. The song What Hurts the Most is property of Rascal Flatts.

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Loving You

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

That don't bother me

Glaive practising out in the courtyard early one morning, Kel heard the sound of soft footsteps approaching. Turning around, she smiled as her mother, Ilane of Mindelan, joined her, her own glaive in hand.

"May I join you?" Kel nodded as her mother took the first stance.


I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out

The two practised until shortly after noon, when Kel's stomach growled. "Looks like I've worked up an appetite."

Her mother just smiled. "No surprise, we've been practising all morning. Come; let's go get something to eat." Putting her and her mother's glaives away, Kel promptly followed her inside and down to the kitchens.


I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

As they walked, Ilane noted her daughters moods had lifted slightly from her recent depression and had told her so.

"I don't think there's anything I could've done about it," Kel replied.

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There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

Returning to her rooms alone later that night, Kel couldn't help but feel a small pang of sadness at his leaving, even if it was unavoidable. Cleon…

Jump, her small canine companion leapt up onto her lap and started diligently licking her hand. She scratched him behind the ear. He rolled over onto his back and pressed his front paw against her arm. She smiled. It sometimes felt like jump knew exactly what she was thinking, what she felt. It was like he understood, even though they were two different species.

She stood and opened her window, letting in a small group of sparrows who landed on her dresser and bed. One landed on her open palm and rubbed its head against her thumb. She looked out her window remembering…


What hurts the most
Was being so close

Kel glared up at him. Cleon was a fourth year, but also a friend, "I'm glad you're smart enough to realize that much," she told him.

He slapped her cheerfully on the back. "What's the matter, dewdrop? Don't you like me fighting to protect your honor?"

"I can defend my own honour thank you," she replied. "I thought it was Joren's honour at stake."


And having so much to say

When they went to their usual table, Cleon walked over. "It's about time," Neal said when the redheaded squire slid onto the bench next to him. "We thought they would leave you in the north all winter. You would've come back as an icicle."

"A really big icicle," added Seaver.

After seeing Lord Raoul, Kel knew Cleon wasn't that big, but he certainly seemed to be headed that way. She smiled at him. He seized one of her hands. "Kel, my rose, my pearl," he said, attempting a player's yearning stare, "my life has been a desert drear without the light of your eyes. I knew it not until just this moment, when my soul opened like a flower in the rain."

Kel yanked her hand free, "Stop that, you oaf," she told him, but she smiled despite her stern tone, she had missed Cleon's colourful way of speaking to her.


And watching you walk away

She smiled, figuring he would've made a wonderful poet with his interesting speech and use of expressions. Her grin widened when she thought of the moment afterwards.

"She's as good as us," added Owen. "You don't have to treat her like a girl."

Kel hid her face in her hands.

"But she is a girl," Protested Cleon. "A tall, glorious sunrise of a girl, a –"He stopped, blinked, and, astonishingly, turned red. "Sorry, Kel."

She had never noticed at the time that maybe he was in love with her but she had never noticed it as more than him fooling around.

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And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

The memories swamped her all throughout the night, her dreams filled with his face. When she woke; she splashed some water onto her face, hoping to clear her mind. She figure she should take a walk, that might help her take her mind off him. Even if it didn't, a walk sounded nice right about now.


It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It

She wandered around the forest, griffin strapped to her side as always. She figured visiting the Domin River would take her mind off things. As soon as she stopped to rest in the shade of a tree, her mind wandered, back to that place, back to him. She didn't want to remember, but she did.


It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone

"Hey! Kel!" Looking up, she saw her brother Inness wave to her as he rode off to the castle. She forced a smile on her face for him. He had been Inness' squire. She felt a pang in her heart, but tired to ignore, it, tried to think of something else. She tried thinking of Neal, Lalasa, Toby, anyone but him.

Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret

Cleon leaned down and pressed his lips gently to hers. "Midwinter luck, Kel," he whispered. He turned crimson and strode down the hall.

Kel stood there for some time, completely poleaxed.


But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

No matter what she did, he was still there in her mind. Was this some game the gods were playing with her for her own amusement? If so, she wished they'd stop, it wasn't much fun for her. Looking down at her reflection in the water, she picked up a fair sized stone and threw it, disturbing the image.


What hurts the most
Is being so close

Big hands tugged the breastplate and cloth from her grip. Cleon put them aside and told Kel softly, "Was I wrong? I thought you liked it when I kissed you but you've avoided being alone with me ever since."

She hung her head. "Midwinter was, it was, nice," she said, cringing at her idiotic reply. It was very warm in the tent. "People would talk if we- if they saw. They might not know it was friendly. They might get the wrong idea."

"Here I am, hoping one person will get the right idea," Cleon explained.


And having so much to say
And watching you walk away

"Please look at me, Kel," Cleon asked.

She was ready to refuse, but he'd said "please." It would be churlish not to look up, so she did, meeting hid grey eyes with her hazel ones. He was smiling. That was a dirty trick. It was impossible to remind him he was a fellow squire, sexless, when he smiled with so muck liking that her insides melted. He lowered his head just a few inches to press his mouth to hers.

To this day, she still considered it a dirty trick he had pulled on her, but a clever one too. She sighed, finally surrendering to the memories that washed over and smothered her.


And never knowing
What could have been

Cleon wrapped big hands around her elbows, leaned in, and touched his mouth to hers once more. Kel gasped, then forgot almost everything else as Cleon drew her snugly against him.


And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

She was broken free of her thoughts when she realized that it was already late in the evening and that she'd better hurry back before the sun went down. It wasn't like she couldn't handle whatever came her way at night, it was much more the fact that fighting an opponent, especially an immortal, in the dark was an unfair advantage for her opponent.


What hurts the most
Is being so close

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Rain. There was something about the tiny droplets that beated against her window that were so calming. Whatever the reason why it soothed her, she didn't know. She was glad she wasn't a page anymore, on a day like today she'd be out training, only to come back inside looking like something that came up from the bottom of the lake. Hearing someone knocking on her door she called, "Yes?"

"You have guests, Kel," Her father called from the other side. She left the windowsill, wondering who'd come to see her on a day like this.


And having so much to say
And watching you walk away

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"Yuki, Neal. What brings you two here?" Kel asked, coming into the main entrance hall to see her two friends.

"It's been a while, Kel," Yuki replied, smiling at her old friend. "How are you?"

"Fine. How've things for you two been fairing?"

"Alright," Neal said. "We'd been over to Kennan recently and we ran into Cleon."

Her heart pounded slightly, she nearly didn't trust her own words when she spoke. "Oh? And how's he been fairing?"

"Turns out somehow he managed to win several purses filled with gold nobles recently while overseas," Neal answered. "He plans to come up and visit in the next little while. Says he's looking forwards to seeing you again."

"Really?" She asked, surprised.

"Certainly. In fact he said that since he's-" Yuki dropped her shukusen on his foot. He let out a painful yelp.

"Oops, I'm sorry." Picking it up, she gave him a look that said 'Don't spoil the surprise!" Like she hadn't done it on purpose, she gave Kel a foolish grin, like she had done something silly. Kel, oblivious to what was going on between her two friends, just shrugged.

After making sure the shukusen hadn't done any serious damage to his foot, Neal reached inside his pocket. "Anyways, here," he handed her a letter, "He asked us to give this to you."

Taking it, she gave them her thanks.

Her mother poked her head into the room, "Why don't you all come join us for tea?"

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And never knowing
What could have been

Yuki and Neal were set up with rooms for the night; they said that the next morning they'd be on there way to the castle. In her room alone, Kel opened the letter that Cleon had sent her.

Kel,

It's been a long while since you and I have spoken. I heard that you became a knight and I must say, my rose, I'm thrilled that you won your shield. As I'm sure Neal and Yuki have probably told you, I'll be coming up to see you in a few weeks. In the mean time, do me a favour and don't get yourself killed. I'd much rather see that pretty head of yours still attached to your neck.

Yours truly, Cleon

And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

It was short, but there must be a lot he wanted to tell her in person. Something perked her curiosity, though. He had called her his rose, did that mean he had found a way out of his arranged marriage? She'd have to ask him when she saw him.

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do

Standing, she put the letter in a drawer on her desk, grinning. Turing to Jump, who had his front paws on her leg, showing off a bone he had, she moved and he got down, dropped the bone, and rolled over.

"I guess I'll find out when he comes." She scratched the small dogs belly as he barked happily." She just grinned.

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Well, what say you people, should I continue and tell about Cleon's arrival?