Sid and Michelle. Michelle and Sid.
Sid and Cassie.
Michelle and Sid. Sid and Michelle.
Cassie and Sid.
Sid sighed and slumped down on his bed. He had been pacing around his bedroom, chanting these words in his head for the better half of an hour. He started every time the same way, for he'd always end the same way, then need to start over. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't help it. The second pair of names sounded better than the first. They felt better.
Sid couldn't understand any of this; he didn't understand where it was all coming from. After years of countless wishes and hopeless dreams, he finally had everything he wanted. He had Michelle, beautiful, wonderful Michelle all to himself; hugging him, kissing him, fucking him, and yet, he felt no different. He always thought that love would feel different than this. But he had an idea, an inkling that came to him when he heard a particular giggle while making out with Michelle, or how his chest makes a faint pitter-patter at the sound of a certain, lovely voice.
And when he thinks about that voice, a bright smile forms, followed by a face, then arms and legs and soon he can imagine all of her standing in front of him. She twirls, her slightly-too-big dress puffing out around out around her.
"Do I look lovely, Sid?" She practically sings.
He nods and opens his mouth to praise her and –
Sid stops himself right there. He rubs his eyes under his glasses and groans. He shouldn't be thinking these things. Michelle was his girlfriend. He loved Michelle. He loved her didn't he?
Sid closed his eyes. What was the first thing he saw when he thought of Michelle? Her ass…
What was the first thing he noticed when Michelle walked into the room? Her tits…
He flopped down on his back, staring at the ceiling in revelation. No, he didn't love Michelle – he lusted her. He had mistaken love for his lack of a sexual life. Then…what was love?
Sid thought for a second. What was the first thing that came to mind when he thought of Cassie? Easy, her laugh. What was the first thing he noticed when Cassie walked into the room? No brainer, her smile.
Then, as if someone had just yelled bloody murder, Sid bolted up, his eyes wide.
"Shit!" He cursed, his hands coming up to his beanie.
It was Cassie. It was Cassie he loved. Sid was fucking in love with Cassie. Suddenly things made a lot more sense. But when did that even happen? When did he transition from short brown hair, green eyes and a bangin' body, to blonde hair, brown eyes and a beautiful soul? It must have been the night he found her waiting in his room, the night she cussed him out. Sid shook his head, no that didn't feel right. It had to have been before that, or else her words wouldn't have stung so much.
No, it had been after that first kiss. Their first kiss on the trampoline, right before he had his first panic attack. He had thought she overdosed. He had just met this girl and he was suddenly concerned for her life.
He stood up. Sid needed to find her. Where was she, where would she be? She didn't live at home anymore…
Sid grabbed his hoodie, putting it on as he rushed down the stairs, yelling at whoever was home that he was going out and he was out the door. As soon as he was off his stoop, he realized he had no idea where he was going. Sid started out walking, deciding to check out college. But soon, he became impatient and broke into a run. She wasn't at college, she wasn't at the store. She wasn't at Jal's, she wasn't at Chris's…
"Where the fuck are you, Cassie?" Sid shouted in frustration as he stopped his running momentarily in a park.
"Sid?"
There it was. That was her voice. Sid turned around to see Cassie on a bench overlooking the city. Her blonde hair was blowing in the wind, as well as her blue dress. She looked at him, as thin as ever, slightly upset that she had been found.
He stalked over to her carefully. This was the first time he had seen her, looked at her truly since he made his discovery. And in that moment, walking to her there, he had never felt more sure of anything in his life, more so than the fact that his best mate treated him like rubbish and that his life was more than likely going nowhere. He loved her. He fucking loved her. Now all he needed to do was tell her.
"Cassie, I've been looking all bloody afternoon for you." He sat down next to her on the bench, her stare still cold.
"I didn't want to be found, Sid."
"Yeah, I got that."
"And why, may I ask?"
Sid turned his head towards her again. "Hm?"
"And why may I ask did you waste your day looking for me? Shouldn't you be with Michelle somewhere, snogging or cuddling, or whatever it is you two do? I know how lovely you think she is She is lovely," Cassie laughs, but Sid can tell it's a hurt laugh, and it still makes him flinch.
"She is lovely," she repeats herself, "so, so lovely. Yep! That's my best friend, the lovely Michelle! You should probably go find her, Sid. She's probably doubtfully horny without you –"
"No, I'm not going to find Michelle," Sid interrupts, "not after looking all over Bristol to find you."
Cassie just stares, although this time with the faintest amount of confusion. She still stands her guard though, not willing to seem vulnerable in front of him.
"I'm sure she misses you, Sid."
"I don't care. She can miss me all she wants right now. I'm here with you." He insists.
Cassie sighs loudly, her brown eyes looking straight through his.
"Sid, why are you doing this? Why did you come to find me, what's so important that's keeping you away from Michelle?"
"Will you stop with the Michelle thing, Cass?" He shouts unintentionally.
"Why? She is your girlfriend."
"No, she's not!"
That got her attention, her head whipping towards him.
Sid brought his hands up, "I mean, yeah she is technically, but the point is Cass, I don't want her to be!"
Cassie blinks before raising her eyebrows. "What?"
"Cass, I came here because I realized something. Something that I hadn't before and I feel like an idiot for not seeing it sooner, and even more so for acting like a complete wanker, tossing you around. You don't deserve that. Anyway, what I realized is that," Sid took a deep breath, looking straight at her, "Cass, I love you! There, I said it. I love you."
Sid sat there, waiting for her reaction, and her reaction was definitely something he had not anticipated. She had started laughing.
"Oh, wow! How wonderful, Sid! You're practicing to tell Michelle you love her! I'm pretty sure she already knows it, but that is so thoughtful!" Cassie smiles tightly.
Well, he had told her that he loved her. Now all he had to do was make her believe him.
"Cassie, I'm not practicing to tell Michelle I love her." He told her adamantly.
"Why not?"
"Because I don't love her!" Sid exclaims. He sees Cassie open her mouth to reply, but he interrupts her instead, "You want to know why I don't love her? I don't because I'm in love with someone else. I'm in love with you Cassie. I love you."
Her look falters slightly, but she crosses her arms and looks away from him.
Cassie shakes her head violently, "No."
"Yes."
"No, you don't love me, Sid."
"Cassie, you don't get to tell me who I love. I do, and I'm trying to tell you right now," He moved from his spot and Sid knelt down on the grass in front of her. Cassie watched cautiously as he took her hands, "Cassie Ainsworth, I love you. I'm sorry for blowing you off before; so sorry because now you won't believe me. You are beautiful and wonderful, and fucking lovely, and I may be a worthless piece of shit sometimes, but I'd do anything for you to forgive me." Sid didn't care that he probably looked like a desperate fool; he needed to make her believe.
Cassie blinked down at him. Her eyes were glassy and Sid knew that tears were close to falling.
"But Michelle –"
Sid shook his head, "Michelle doesn't mean anything to me, she never did really. I want to be with you, Cass. Be with me."
When she didn't say anything, Sid took a different approach. He pushed himself up from the ground, crashing his lips against Cassie's, surprising her. She was rigid at first, fighting the kiss, but she soon gave up, her feelings winning over the rest of her and she melted into Sid.
Sid grasped her face with his hands, bringing them closer to each other. A moan escaped from his mouth. Her lips felt so good against his, they molded just perfectly, like they were made for each other and Sid didn't want to leave.
Lips still connected, Cassie stood up quickly and suddenly Sid had lost his balance and the two fell backward, rolling together down the grassy hill, arms firm around one another. They landed at the end of the hill with an oomph, Cassie lying on top of him. They looked at one another and burst into laughter. Sid had seen her smile genuinely for the first time in a long time. He hadn't realized how much he missed it.
"Oh, wow! What fun!"
Sid lightly tucked a stray hair behind her ear, "You are the loveliest thing I've ever seen, Cass."
Cassie grinned, "You're quite lovely yourself, Sid."
He laughed in return, feeling truly content, "It's just you and me from now on."
"Wonderful," and she brought her lips to his once more.
Three months of pure bliss. That's how Sid would describe his relationship with Cassie. She was amazing, she was something else, and the sex wasn't bad either. He loved her. He truly loved her and they were happy together.
Almost.
Sid had been noticing more often that Cassie's problems with food were resurfacing. He was recognizing her tactics that she had shown him on getting away without eating. Every time he suggested a date that included food or a meal, she tried to think of something else to do. Sid had known that her disease hadn't fully gone away when she was released from that hospital, but he was too wrapped up in Michelle to notice how bad it had gotten.
Cassie was wasting away to nothing. Her arms and legs resembled fragile twigs and her beautiful face had begun to sink in. He even recalls being able to count all her ribs while in bed. Since he noticed her eating habits return, he began to notice the even little things. Cassie's clothes were always slightly too big, shifting off her body in some way. She had resulted in wearing her bracelets around her ankles, for they were too big for her wrists now. She had even made two hospital visits after some fainting spells that she deemed "irrelevant". Cassie was getting sicker, and Sid couldn't sit around anymore.
The two were seated at their bench, the very same bench where Sid had made his love confession. It sort of became their little spot that they always gravitated to when things at home got rough, or when they needed to meet somewhere. They loved to sit for hours and talk. Cassie would lay her head down on his shoulder and tell him stories she made up or saw in dreams. Sid could listen to her for hours overlooking the city, all the lights on at sunset; it was peaceful.
She had just finished one of her stories then, about a dream she had the night before of she and Sid running away to the country.
He took her hand, fully braced at how this conversation would turn out. But regardless, he needed to help her. "Cass, there's something we need to discuss."
Cassie smiled to him, "Yes, Sid?"
"I need to ask you a question and I need you to tell me the truth. I love you remember?"
Cassie nodded wearily, "Yes…Sid what is this about?"
"Have you stopped eating again?"
Cassie's smile faltered immediately, but then, realizing her mistake, her smile returned again, much more strained and much more fake.
"Why of course not, Sid. I love food! I eat food all the time! It's such an amazing feeling, eating. Don't you agree, Sid? Just even the process is such a fascinating thing. Cutting and chewing and swallowing and…digesting…" Cassie gulped, her thought ending. Sid watched in concern, as he could see the mental pictures forming in her mind. Cassie shook her head then turned her attention towards him.
"Aren't we supposed to be meeting the guys at Chris's? We wouldn't want to be late, that would be incredibly rude of us, and we should be going now Sid." She changed the subject and grabbed Sid's hand, guiding him away from the bench.
But Sid wasn't giving up that easily.
He whipped her around to face him, his eyes pleading, "Cass I'm serious. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why do you keep starving yourself, refusing to eat? It makes no sense, Cass! Please tell me what's wrong and I'll fix it. Please let me help you."
Cassie yanked away from his grasp, "I don't need help Sid, I am fine. I told you I've been eating. Now, can we drop it and go see our friends?"
"You think I'm stupid Cass? You showed me your tricks. I may be a little dim but I do notice things and I know your disorder is back."
"It was a mistake showing you that. Now you won't get off my case. Why do you want me to eat so much? Am I not lovely the way I am? Do you wish me fat? Those are wonderful things to say to your girlfriend!"
Sid sighed, knowing nothing he would say would come out right. But he didn't get the chance to speak because Cassie decided she wasn't done.
"No, I know why you want me to eat. You want me to be fuller like Michelle. That's it isn't it? I knew it was too good to be true for you to love me for me. Why don't you just go get what you really want Sid? I'm sure she'll be glad to take you back!" Cassie's eyes were as cold as he had ever seen them.
"Where the fuck did that come from? This has nothing to do with Michelle, and it hasn't been for months! Cassie, you're practically dying right in front of my eyes! You're practically nothing. Skin and bones, that's what you are!" He moved closer to her, his voice cracking, "I love you Cassie. I fucking love you and I can't sit here and watch you die because you refuse to believe that you are worth something!"
Sid was close to tears now, his chin bobbing. Why couldn't he make her see? Why couldn't she love herself like he loved her? And he did. He loved her…
Cassie just shook her head. "Sid…"
But he couldn't take it anymore. Sid took her face in his hands and kissed her hard on the lips until she pushed him away. She fought and hit him. But he didn't stop trying to calm her.
"Sid! Sid, stop! Let me go, let…let me g-go!" She fought until she finally broke down. She crashed into him, and he wrapped his arms around her small frame, gripping her so tight because he was afraid to let her go.
"Please, Cass. Please eat. Eat for me. I love you so much." He cried into her hair as she did on his hoodie.
"…I'll love you forever."
They sat back on the bench for a while, one molding and supporting the other. Cassie sniffed and lifted her head. Sid wiped away her remaining tears.
"It's just you and me, got it?" Sid placed a light kiss on her nose.
Cassie nodded gently and smiled slightly, nuzzling her head into his chest. "Wonderful."
Sid had never felt happier than when they had finally arrived at Chris's and Cassie decided that yes, she did want a snack.
Sid kicked over his trash can in his bedroom. How the fuck could she do this to him? How the fuck could she just leave for New York in the middle of the night and leave him, and all of the rest of them behind? She missed his funeral. She missed Chris's damn funeral!
Sid had been scared shitless when she disappeared. The police said no one else had been in the apartment when they found Chris. He had been worried sick thinking something must have happened to her.
Then he got that flipping postcard.
Did she really care for him that little to flea without a word during the worst few weeks of his life and only send him a stinking postcard?
First his dad died, then Chris died, then his love left.
What the hell was he supposed to do now?
He heard a knock on his door, and felt himself trudge down to answer it. There stood his best mate with a sad grin.
"What do you want, Tone? Can't you see I'm not in the best mood?"
Tony just smiled, "Pack your things Sid, we're going away for a while."
He didn't know why, but Sid found himself packing his things anyway. He guessed getting away for a while might be good, even if it was with Tony, and reluctantly Michelle, who had been waiting for them in the car.
He didn't know it was all just another one of Tony's schemes until he was given an envelope with his passport, a one way ticket to New York City and a picture of Cassie. He had to admit, it was one of his more thoughtful schemes, but a scheme nonetheless.
Should he follow Cassie? Should he try and find her? She had obviously left to get away from anything that posed as a reminder of him and Chris and this place in general. But he couldn't ignore the void inside him, the emptiness he had felt ever since she left. He missed her. He needed her. He needed to feel her skin against his and he needed to kiss her lips and he needed her love.
He was going to New York then. He was going to get his Cassie back.
After a rather emotional goodbye with Tony, Sid found himself alone on this new adventure, strapped in between seats FA and FC. He didn't mind the ride all that much, for he had only one thing on his mind and that was to find his love and convince her to never leave again. In the eight hours that he was airborne, Sid hadn't put her picture down once.
Sid had never realized how big New York City was. Sure, he had seen pictures and movies, but he never could have imagined the vastness of the city and how long each street stretched in every direction. People and cars and bikers everywhere he turned, constant loud noises filling his ears.
Cassie could be anywhere.
"Where the fuck are you Cassie?" He exclaimed, reminding him of when he searched for her all over Bristol. But New York sure as hell wasn't Bristol.
But that was just it. Sid had looked all over Bristol, but eventually found her unexpectedly. If he had been able to find her then, he could find her now.
For hours Sid asked random people on the street if they recognized her, showing them her picture. No one did. He figured it may take weeks, maybe longer, but he wasn't going to stop looking.
Eventually, he took a well needed break. He turned into the first food shop he saw, situating himself in one of the booths. He picked up the menu, bringing it close to his face, for the dim lighting made it hard for him to see. He felt a presence come up to him, but he continued to read the menu until he heard it.
"Hello, sir, can I get you something?"
Sid practically threw the menu aside, looking up so quickly, one would have thought someone yelled "fire!"
She stood with a pad and an apron and the most surprised look on her face, paling as if she had seen ghost. He was the last person she expected to see.
"Andrew, can you cover for me, I need some air." Cassie said frantically to another worker passing by and before Sid could say anything, she was out the door. Sid rushed up from the booth to follow her.
She sprinted through the city as he did his best to catch up, shouting her name. He followed her to the park until he couldn't see her anymore.
"Fuck!" He couldn't have lost her! Not again, not after being so close!
And then he saw her in the faint distance, her hair blowing from a park bench. He ran over to her, swearing this time he wasn't going to let her get away.
"Cassie." He breathed.
She shot up, startled, and Sid noticed the redness in her eyes.
"Sid? Why are you here? Why did you come to find me? I thought I made it very clear that this time I didn't want to be found!"
"I don't give a crap if you didn't want to be found, Cassie. I came for you anyway. And I'll keep coming for you as long as you keep running. Because you are worth looking for. And just like you can't keep running from your problems, I can't change the way I feel about you. I love you too damn much to let you slip through my fingers. And if you didn't love me then I wouldn't bother you, but that's not the case. I know you love me. If you didn't you wouldn't have run."
He stands and watches Cassie and he knows they've been in this position far too many times. Why couldn't they just have a normal, steady, and sane love? Well, he figures then it wouldn't be their love. Their heated love filled with too much pain and passion for their own good.
Her tears began to pour. "Sid I couldn't stand it. He-he was…Chris died right in my arms and I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't save him! I was sure you and the others would blame me for letting him die. Them, I could live with hating me, but not you. I couldn't look you in the eye after that, so I left and I'm sorry, Sid. I'm so sorry!"
Sid rushed right to her and held her, soothing her, combing her hair with his fingers. He guided her to the bench and held her hands as tight as he could.
"Listen to me, Cass. You couldn't have prevented what happened to Chris. It was a hereditary thing. He had been ill for a long time. It's horrible for us to think about he would have died anyway. Don't blame yourself and don't you dare say that I would hate you. Never in a million years would I ever hate you Cassie."
She raised an eyebrow, "You've said it to me before."
"And so have you," he argued, "but that's not to say we didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. And you have to realize that I'm not going anywhere. Wherever you go, I go. I'll be wherever you'll be, as long as you'll have me."
They were silent for a moment until Cassie surprised him suddenly, giggling through her tears, tucking back her hair, "That's so cheesy, Sid."
Sid closed his eyes, hanging his head and laughed along, "Yeah, I guess it was."
They both took a very needed deep breath.
Sid leant in, kissing her softly, yet with all the passion he could muster. This felt right. This felt like home, being with his Cassie.
"I love you, Cassie."
"I'll love you forever, Sid."
He looked around at the still brightly lit city surrounding them. "I guess it's just you and me and New York City." Sid concluded.
Cassie leaned her head against his shoulder, smiling contently. "Hm, wonderful."
And they sat there together, on their new bench in their new spot in the park, and for the first time in a long time, they felt infinite.