A/N: Hi guys! This is my first fanfiction, and it probably would have remained trapped inside my brain if SabbiEatzCookies hadn't agreed to collaborate with me :)

Okay, enough from me. Enjoy! (or read while silently thinking evil thoughts towards me) Please review, even if it is just to rage at me :)

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANY CHARACTERS MENTIONED IN THE SERIES. ALEX, HOWEVER, IS ALL MINE.
I ALSO CLAIM NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CREATION OF THE SPARKLY VAMPIRE MENTIONED

"I have to do WHAT?" I demanded, staring incredulously at the redheaded woman in front of me. She had seemed quite normal, at first glance, but her calm exterior was obviously masking a severely… disturbed, shall we say, interior.

Ah, but I seem to have forgotten my manners. Let me introduce myself properly. My name is Alex. Just to clarify – I am of the female persuasion. And completely sane, unlike my parents (who knew full well that I was female, and yet still burdened me with this name – sadistic freaks) and that ginger lady who I have just mentioned. Pure-blooded, thank you very much. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't hate muggleborns, per se, but let's just say that I'd rather not get too close. And half-bloods are all very… unique. Like those little mutt puppies that aren't toougly to look at, and can be quite endearing after you get used to them.

Like every other person I know, I have white-blond hair, and glacial blue eyes. And an annoyingly posh, superior way of speaking. And I'm ridiculously stuck up. Not to mention full of myself. Mmhmm. That is definitely a trait of a pureblood family.

Oh, come on. You thought I was serious? Okay, fine, my name is Alex, and I AM pure-blooded, but that's where the similarities end. You see, my mom is very curious about Muggles, and she got thrown out of the house when she was 17 after she was caught smuggling rubber ducks up to her room to study them. Long story short, she ran off to buy an apartment in Muggle London, met my dad, who works in the Ministry of Magic as an Unspeakable, and I was raised as a Muggle. Talk about screwed-up social experiments.

I had no idea that I was a witch until my 11th birthday (which, incidentally, is on the first of September – send me presents or I WILL kill you), when I left for school only to be assaulted by a freaking OWL which seemed intent on picking me up and flying me to this witch school thing singlehandedly (singlewingedly? Oh, whatever). Anyway, long story short, I managed somehow run up the wall of my building until my apartment, and then run straight through the window to the kitchen, where my mother was making a sandwich (Yes, ha ha. Very funny. My mother was in the kitchen making a sandwich. Are you done with your sexist jokes now? Good).

So my mother looks blankly at me for a few seconds, before whipping out her wand and screaming 'PETRIFUCUS TOTALUS'. The owl stiffened up and fell to the floor with a feathery plunk. Well, that was effective. She reached down and picked up the letter, which was attached to the owl's leg, read it, and sat down heavily on the floor, looking every bit as stunned as the owl.

Meanwhile, I was still staring blankly down at the owl, thinking evil thoughts involving pulling its feathers out slowly and painfully, throwing it out the window, and then drowning it. The owl looked up at me with large, golden eyes, looking like it was begging for mercy. I smirked, and kicked it out of the way.

When I looked up from the pathetic little owl, I saw that my mother had turned so pale that it looked like all the blood had been sucked out of her face (perhaps by a creepy sparkly vampire?). I went over to her.

"Mom, are you okay?"

She stared blankly at the floor.

"Mom? Moooom? MOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOOOM!"

"ALEX, STOP SCREAMING LIKE A BANSHEE!"

Wow. I just saved her from turning into a statue, and this is how she repays me? Ungrateful.

"I AM NOT SCREAMING LIKE A BANSHEE! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A BANSHEE IS! WHY DID I GET A LETTER? IS IT FROM SCHOOL? BECAUSE I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I DIDN'T MEAN TO BREAK HIS LEG, I JUST WANTED TO FRACTURE IT!"

"ALEX! STOP SHOUTING! I'M GOING DEAF!"

"THEN STOP SHOUTING AT ME, MO-"

"I AM NOT SHOUTING AT YOU, YOU BE QUIET AND… Jesus Christ I give up. Silencio."

I found myself gaping at her like a goldfish, but no words could come out. I settled for a death glare. She sighed.

"Okay, I'm sorry Alex, but you really were getting too loud. I'll take the charm off if you agree to sit quietly and not interrupt."

I paused, weighing my options, and then nodded. She flicked her wand at me.

"aaaa…. Aaaaa… AAAAAAAHHHH. LA LA LA LAAAAAAAA."

"… Alex, what are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing. Just checking to see if my voice still works, after you STOLE it from me. THIS IS CHILD ABUSE! CHILD ABUSE I TELL YOU!"

"Alex, don't make me shut you up again." She said warningly.

"And now you're THREATENING me? WHAT KIND OF A MOTHER ARE YOU? I COULD REPORT YOU RIGHT NOW!"

"Do you want to know what the letter said or not?"

"MOM, I TOLD YOU. It wasn't my fault! He was being a doucheba—(insert cough from mother here) *ahem* I mean, he was being awfully impolite, mother. And I promised him that if he didn't shut the f-(Alex! Language!)um…. If he didn't stop talking, then I would hurt him, and you did always tell us to keep our promises, and how was I supposed to know that he had such weak bones? I'm telling you, Mom, that boy needs more calcium!"

"… "

"Mom? You forgive me, right? Did I ever mention how much I love you? Because I do. I love you, Mom. I LOVE YOUUU. I love you like I love food. And I really love food. I REALLY love food. I love food a LOT. By the way, Mom, can I have that sandwich? I'm hungry."

"… Alex, that letter was from A school, but not from YOUR school. Let me explain. You're a witch."

"OH, JEEZ, MOM. THANKS A LOT. YOU'RE SO SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR CHILDREN!"

"… That's not what I meant, Alex"

"… Oh. Okay. LOOK MOM! IT SAYS ON THE LETTER I CAN HAVE A PET! Mom, can I have
a cat? Pleaaase mom? PRETTY PRETTY PLEASEEEE?"

"… You're not surprised that you're a witch?"

"Nah, not really. You DID tell me Dad was a wizard that one time when you guys came home drunk."

"I told you never to bring that up again!"

"YOU STARTED IT!"

"OKAY, OKAY. CALM DOWN. Let's go to Diagon Alley to get your stuff, then."

"WHEEEEEEEEEEE. Mom, are we going to go diagonally?AHAH mom, get it? GET IT? DIAGONALLY? DIAGON. ALLEY? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm so funny, mom."

"…."

"HOW ARE WE GETTING THERE? ARE WE GOING TO TAKE THE TRAAAAAIN?"

"… We'll Apparate. I'm embarrassed to be seen in public with you."

~At Gringotts~

"WHEEE MOM! LOOK! AHAHAH! THAT GOBLIN LOOKS LIKE MY MATH TEACHER!"

"Alex, it's rude to point."

"MOM! ARE WE GOING TO RIDE A CART?"

"Yes, Alex. We are."

"… SHINY!"

"… Well done, Alex."

~At Ollivanders~

"HAHAH I JUST MADE A SPARKLY THING GO OUT OF THIS WAND! I LIKE THIS WAND! CAN I KEEP IT?"

"… yes, Alex. How much is it, Mr. Ollivander?"

"Aah… Twelve inches, apple core, supple, dragon heartstring. That will be twelve Galleons, please."

"EEW! THERE'S DRAGON HEART IN THIS?"

"Yes, m'dear" Ollivander murmured, looking exasperated.

"Here you go, sir. Twelve Galleons. I'm sorry for the inconvenience caused." My mother added, looking around at the store which was now pink, sparkly, and covered with unicorns and rainbows.

At the end of the day, my mother was extremely tired out and exhausted. She looked at me, dragging my trunk behind me, wand shoved into my belt, and with a black kitten perched happily on the top of my head, blending into my hair so that it looked like I had an extremely large growth at the top of my head which had amber eyes (I had chosen the cat because it was what I imagined I would look like in cat form – unlike other purebloods, I had black hair and amber eyes).

She turned around, looked me straight in the eye, and said,
"Alex. Listen to me. I have no idea whether you're high or on drugs or whatever, but please, PLEASE try to behave after I drop you off at the station. Please."

"Okie dokie, mom!"

"… That's it?"

"Yep!"

"… You're going to act sane now?"

"Yup! All you had to do was ask, you know."

"… I'll drop you off at the station early. I can't handle this anymore."

And so here I am, at the train station. Let's just say I felt extremely stupid standing there, with my black cat hat, and dragging a trunk. I looked quickly around, and saw a ragtag collection of gingers, all looking equally stupid as me, so I went to try and find directions to this Platform 9¾.

"Hi, um, excuse me, but I was wondering whether you could tell me how to get to Platform 9¾?" I asked oh so innocently.

"Of course, darling! All you need to do is to run into that wall!" She said cheerfully.

"I have to do WHAT?" I demanded, staring incredulously at the redheaded woman in front of me.
She had seemed quite normal, at first glance, but her calm exterior was obviously masking a severely… disturbed, shall we say, interior.

"Run into the wall, dear! Here, it's Albus' first time as well. James, show them."

I smirked. This would be fun. I watched the boy with scruffy brown hair charge towards the wall, anticipating the moment of impact.

Then I blinked.

He had gone straight through.

Damnit. The universe was obviously conspiring against me. It was even bending the laws of physics just to deprive me of some sadistic fun. (Note to self: Never embarrass Mom on purpose in public again. Karma can and will get you back for it).

"Now, your turn!" The mother of the children exclaimed happily, shoving me and the other boy (I'd like to describe him, but I was being pushed towards my doom at a hundred miles per hour, so all I could see was a blur of black hair) towards the wall. The solid brick wall. As a general rule, I don't like my face getting too close to brick walls. I squirmed and tried to get away from it, but gods, this woman was strong! I shut my eyes and braced myself for the moment of impact.

But it didn't come.

It didn't. freaking. come.

And so when I opened my eyes, I realized that I was standing on a train platform, wincing like an idiot. I turned around and saw the woman smiling at me. STILL. She had just run through a freaking brick wall, and she was STILL smiling at me. I was seriously starting to wonder whether she had a medical condition that caused her to constantly smile. Ugh. Happiness. It was disgusting.

"Um, thanks. I'll.. just be going on the train now" I muttered, making a beeline for the train, not wanted to be in such close proximity to such cheerfulness.

I looked around, trying to find an empty compartment. Thankfully, I found one quite soon, and sank into it gratefully. I reached up with my hand to disentangle the kitten from my hair, and placed it on my lap, where it proceeded to try to eat my jeans.

I rolled my eyes.

"SILLY KITTEN! YOU ARE A KITTEN! YOU DO NOT EAT FABRIC!" I whispered loudly to the little furball who happily kept on destroying my favourite pair of jeans.

I sighed. "Why would you even EAT fabric, you little fluff thing? You can't even DIGEST fabric!"

I heard a shuffle, and whipped my head around, glaring at the doorway. There was a vaguely familiar boy who looked around the same age as me, standing awkwardly in the door frame. He had black hair which stuck up at the back, and almond shaped bottle-green eyes. Oh, that reminded me. I was hungry. Mmm... Almonds.

It was an awkward turtle moment. I hate turtles.

"Er… hi. I was going to ask if I could sit here, but you seem kinda busy so I'll just… go…"

Suddenly, another boy, slightly older this time, appeared behind the... I'll just call him the almond turtle. He was good-looking, I guess, brown hair, brown eyes. Like melted chocolate. Yum. Not at the boy. At the thought of chocolate. I quite like chocolate.

"Hi, I'm James, and this is my brother Al. We met on the platform." the chocolate boy said.

"Oh, uh... hi. I'm Alex. And... um..." Goddamnit, Alex, say something! "This is my kitten." Oh my god. Please tell me I did not just introduce my cat.

"Uh... okay... So do you mind if my little brother sits here?" James (a.k.a. choco boy) asked

"Does it look like I'm running a day care service here?" I snapped. I'd been hoping for a peaceful train journey during which I could plan my evil doings for the duration of my time at Hogwarts.

"Hey!" Albus protested, "I'm the same age as you, if not older!"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, whatever. I guess he can stay."

James smiled. "Thanks."

"Ugh. Whatever. Just leave." I growled.

Slightly alarmed, James backed out of the compartment, sliding the door shut.

Good. I hadn't lost my touch.

Scowling, I turned around to glare at the turtle boy. He smiled back.

He SMILED.

I felt puzzlement flicker across my face before I could clamp down on it. Mentally kicking myself (how does that work, anyways?), I rearrange my face into my most intimidating scowl – the one that caused the 6 year old kid who lived next door to wet his pants.

"So, what's your kitten's name?" The turtle asked sunnily.

I do not joke. SUNNILY. It was like a freaking ray of sunshine was shining in our compartment.

It was disgusting. Actually, no. It was embarrassing.I considered deepening my glare until he became catatonic, but then I relented. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? And I definitely would need to join turtle boy if I was to survive at Hogwarts.

That was the only reason for me to smile back. Not because of how ridiculously cute he looked. Nope. Because it advantaged me.

"I actually haven't thought of a name yet." I mused, "Maybe something like Dragon Slayer or the Reaper of Souls."

Albus (snicker– who names their child ALBUS?) looked down at the kitten, which was ferociously attacking my shoelaces. Hmm. Maybe the Terror of Hogwarts.

"Er… don't you think that you should choose a name that's more… suitable?" He ventured tentatively.

"Oh, don't be fooled by the apparent innocence of this deadly beast. Under the surface lurks a barbaric… um… barbarian who will not hesitate to rip your heart out! ATTACK, FEARSOME BEAST!" I roared

It jumped up onto Almond boy's lap and started purring. Traitor.

Albus looked like he was just barely containing himself from rolling on the floor with laughter. I tried to keep a straight face, and failed miserably. I let out an enormous snort and soon we were rolling around on the floor of the carriage, chortling. Through my struggling for breath, I found myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, this boy would not be too much of a burden to have around.

Second chapter will be up as soon as it's done. SabbiEatzCookies will be writing the second chapter, from the viewpoint of... well, I guess you'll just have to wait and see, now won't you? :)