A/N: I'm pretty proud of this; it's something I've wanted to write for a while. I'm trying a bit of a new style, so I hope it's not too confusing or awkward to read. Please review, I want to know if it's any good because I really enjoyed writing it. Remus is my all time favorite so I hope I did him proud. If you're going to favorite it, please review as well and let me know why you like it.
Anyway, anything recognizable belongs to JKR.
Lyrics are from the adorable song "The Chain" by Ingrid Michaelson.
-
The sky looks pissed, the wind talks back
My bones are shifting in my skin
And you, my love, are gone
Silent.
It was the only way she could describe that night if she had ever attempted to. Hogsmeade was usually bustling or there was the warm hum of laughter emanating from the pubs. Normally she would have been able to pick out voices from within The Three Broomsticks that were beginning to get rowdy from one too many rounds of firewhiskey. This night was different. There was no glow from the windows; there was not buzz of happiness coming from the shops or bars, there was nothing. It was as if the town knew what had just transpired and they were being silent out of remorse and respect for what was lost. It was as if all of Hogsmeade was mourning along with her.
Even the ominous shack didn't appear to be angry anymore. Instead it seemed sad, with its broken shingles, cracked siding and tattered curtains that hung limply in the damp, night air. The streaks on the windows looked like tears, giving the allusion that the house was crying along with her.
Crying.
Her soft sobs were the only sound to be heard. She hugged her knees as she sat on the uneven steps of the shack, her brown hair fanning out over her face like a shield. She looked unbelievably small, huddled in a small ball. Her shoulders shuddered every now and then, making the broken moonlight that was shining on her hair shimmer with the movement.
He stood behind her in the shack's doorway, looking almost as dejected as she did. His eyes normally looked tired with their dark circles but tonight they were full of the apologies he could not give. He stood in the doorway, looking down at her. He wanted to hold her, to tell her that it would all be all right, but he could not. He couldn't make anymore promises; he'd already broken the most important one without even trying.
I promise I will never hurt you.
Even if it was unintentional on his part, it was still broken. He had still taken her heart and torn it apart, making her feel stupid and shattered. She knew he was lingering behind her, watching her cry, but she couldn't bring herself to turn around and look at him face to face. She knew if she did she would no longer see Remus, her sweet Remus, she would see that monster. She was sure if she looked into sad, grey eyes of his her heart would break even more because she wouldn't be able to see the same person, the person she cared for so deeply, looking back.
So instead, she wrapped her own arms around herself, as if forming a shield around her devastated mind and soul and willed for the tears to stop.
Broken. So, so broken.
With every shake of her thin shoulders he felt his heart sink even more. He shoved his hands deeper into the pockets of his corduroy pants unsure of what to say. Apologies would be empty at this point, and the one thing he was sure of was that if he did speak she would begin to cry harder. He couldn't bear to hurt her anymore, it was tearing him apart to see her like this, so he stayed silent and instead thought of all the things he wanted to say.
I should have told you.
I wanted to keep you from all of this.
I wanted to protect you.
I did it because I love you.
I'm sorry.
He brushed aside a lock of sandy hair that had fallen in front of his eye. The wound on his arm was still gaping and fresh; a trickle of blood ran down his arm. He could feel his pulse surging through his arm but he simply wrapped his sweatshirt around it. A dog bite was nothing to be concerned about right now anyway. He was losing her.
Hell, he'd lost her. And he knew it.
He knew each time she wrapped her arms around herself tighter she was protecting herself from him, instead of letting him protect her from the things she feared. He knew that when she buried her face into her knees she was turning away from him and would never look at him with those brown, sweet eyes the same way again. He knew that when she had ran she wasn't just running from a monster, she was running from a life no one would ever want. He knew that she was crying because she was mourning a loss.
She was grieving over a lost, lost love. A lost, first love.
He brushed his fingertips across the rolled cigarette behind his ear and fought the urge to light it. His little vice for after the moonlit nights that haunted him was another secret he'd kept from her, he knew letting that one out as well would just make her more upset. He tucked it into the front pocket of his shirt and took a deep breath. He was going to have to talk to her; they were going to have to make sense of things. Or, rather, he would have to make sense of it for her. He at least owed her that much. They would have to speak, he would have to explain, and they would have to reconcile. He needed that.
Because, as he also knew, they were going to be saying goodbye in addition to all of those other depressing, heartbreaking things.
My room feels wrong, my bed won't fit
I cannot seem to operate
And you, my love, are gone
She'd followed James to the Whomping Willow, that's what had started what she would soon associate as the worst night of her life. She'd watched him press on the specific little knothole and had seen how the tree had stopped thrashing. She mimicked him and had gotten the same effect so she made her way through the dark tunnels she'd never known about.
She just wanted to know where he was.
Every month Remus was disappearing with poor excuses usually involving family. He would brush her questions aside with a kiss and would ask her to not worry. It had never really bothered her. She accepted that he didn't want to talk about it and let it go. She trusted him.
But this month was different.
This month she'd been watching him grow sicker and sicker. She'd begged him to go to the infirmary, to let a doctor check him out. He'd refused and told her, once again, not to worry about him. But the bags under his grey, grey eyes continued to grow and his once fair skin became pasty and ill looking.
He not only grew sicker, he grew more reclusive as the weeks went on.
He'd always been quiet, but this was different. Instead of just keeping to himself and being studious, he only came out of the Gryffindor quarters if he had to. She barely saw him, and when she did it was usually only in class. He was not only ignoring her, he was ignoring his friends. He wasn't at Quidditch games, he wasn't off with them when they were causing mischief and trouble around Hogwarts, he wasn't anywhere. It was as if he was becoming a recluse right before their eyes and nobody was saying anything.
What bothered her even more was that his friends, his friends didn't even seem to notice.
James, Sirius, and stumpy, little Peter Pettigrew barely acknowledged that anything was wrong with him. The only clue that they recognized that anything was even unusual was their jokes.
"So Mooney, swallow a puking pustule did you?"
"You must have gotten a good look at Snivilus in the john, eh?"
"Looking nauseous, Mooney. You pregnant?"
It drove her insane.
The fact that three individuals could call themselves his best friends and not even notice that he was shriveling up before their eyes made her want to rip their faces off.
She wanted to hold him close and make whatever was hurting him stop. She wanted him to let her in, to let her take care of him. And if he wouldn't let her, she desperately wanted him to let someone, anyone help. She felt like she was losing him, losing the person she cared most for. And no one was concerned. No one noticed but her.
So when she saw James Potter sneak out of the common room that night, she followed him.
She'd been up late studying for the ridiculously difficult exam she had in Ancient Ruins at the end of the week. Normally Remus would have been there to help her, snuggled up beside her in front of the fire correcting her mistakes in his sweet, sweet way. But he'd disappeared the night before; he'd missed their weekly meeting in the library to go over ingredients that would inevitably be on the Potions N.E.W.T. Then when he hadn't been in any of his classes the following day, she knew it was the time of the month when he'd disappear and return complaining about a dying great-great aunt or something.
So she tried to engross her distressing mind with her hardest class.
Her attempt to distract herself had been interrupted when she heard whispers coming down the stairs from the boy's dormitory.
"I'm on my way Padfoot, I got held up. Yes…yes it was Lily would you let it go already. Just stay with him, I'll be there in a minute don't get your panties in a knot."
She half closed the book, marking her spot with a finger and watched as James Potter came gliding down the stairs. His footsteps were soft, but not because the infamous trouble maker of Hogwarts was never concerned with waking anyone when he went gallivanting off into the night. He was just quiet, quieter than she'd ever seen. She watched him shove a small mirror into the back pocket of his jeans and walk swiftly out of the common room, not even seeing that he was being watched.
Somehow she just knew that he was going to Remus.
She was tired of not knowing. So going against her type-A personality she shoved her studies aside and followed James out the portrait hole.
She'd always been light on her feet, always terrifying her mother by unintentionally sneaking up on her. She was fairly certain if she stayed far enough behind him James would have no idea she was there. She trailed behind him, exiting the castle through a door she'd never seen before and across the grounds leaving the safety of Hogwarts far, far behind. She mimicked his actions with the Whomping Willow and eventually found herself treading through dark, dirt tunnels that she could only assume were beneath the grounds.
She shivered in the cool, damp air and crossed her arms for warmth, wishing she'd been wearing a heavier sweater. She felt a shiver of fear go down her spine and she froze momentarily.
You're not supposed to be here.
Her mind and her gut were telling her to go back, they were sensing that something was painfully wrong and were pushing her back to Hogwarts, back to security. But she pushed through, ignoring her instincts. Her desire to know what was going on; to know what was wrong was stronger than her fear of the unknown.
She walked down the tunnel for what seemed like forever until she heard a familiar voice.
"Peter, you have to change, he'll hurt you if you don't. So either go back to school or man up and do it."
It was Sirius, nagging Peter for something though she didn't know what.
She was close.
She broke out into a run and flew into the basement of a house. She barely flinched at the change in her surroundings before bolting up the stairs. She ran into the main level of the house and instantly recognized Sirius's dark, messy head of hair.
"Sirius, where…"
She hardly had time to spit the couple of words out when she saw him. Saw it.
He was huddled against the wall, clutching to it like a man. But where a pair of human hands should have been there were disfigured paws, the fingers were deranged and long with ragged, yellow nails that resembled claws. He was so thin she could make out muscles and bones beneath the translucent white skin. Covering the skin was a thin layer of patchy, grey fur. Fur. Angry, red veins were bulging in his neck in time to his heart; his pulse was going twice the speed it should have been. And then he turned and she got her first look at the face of a werewolf.
His eyes were flashing; she thought she could see his normal grey behind the deathly yellow color they'd turned. His face had morphed and twisted and now where there should have been pale pink lips and freckles there was a long snout. Where there should have been a warm, small, smile there was a dripping and salivating snarl.
She was frozen, unable to breathe, unable to think, unable to move. Even when she heard Sirius shouting her name and ordering her to get back she couldn't run. Even when he lunged at her, growling and ready to sink his teeth into her she could flee. Even when she watched Sirius morph into a dog and bite at the beast's leg she couldn't move. Even when James Potter grabbed her into his arms and threw her back, guarding her from the werewolf's fangs she could not move. She pressed herself into the wall and stared as the dog and the wolf fought, she went willingly when James grabbed her wrist and dragged her out the front door and threw into the poorly kept lawn.
"Stay here," he ordered, before slamming the door to the shack shut.
She gaped at the house, unable to stop staring. She glanced above at the moon that was starting to rise. A sliver was missing, which she could only assume meant his ordeal was almost over. Soon he would be Remus again, but he would never be Remus again.
She knew his secret now, she knew what he'd been hiding and keeping from her. She couldn't blame him really, but she couldn't bring herself to accept it either. She felt her heart split as she thought of the grey eyes hiding behind the evil, yellow ones, as she thought of his pain.
And then she started to sob. She wept for Remus, for their relationship, for her broken heart. She cried for the pure fact that there was nothing else to do but cry.
They were broken. So, so broken.
I'll never say that I'll never love
Oh but I don't say a lot of things
And you, my love, are gone
"I can't look at you," she managed to choke out between gasps for air. She had finally mustered the energy to speak but her voice was still uneven and shaky.
"I can't look at you because if I look at you I'll…the thought of you even saying my name right now makes me want to puke so I'm just going to stay here and you're going to stay there and that's the way it has to be, okay?"
He nodded and in his silence she knew he'd agreed as he stayed behind her. He knew her well enough to know she wanted to keep distance between them. He couldn't blame her really, hours ago he'd tried to kill her, tried to tear her apart limb from limb, because it was the only urge he had. He hated himself for it. His friends always tried to tell him it wasn't his fault, that they understood but it didn't make him feel better. It didn't stop him from wishing he didn't exist.
"You can ask me anything, I'll answer. I swear I will," he said in a quiet voice, nervously biting at his cuticles.
She shook her head, pursing her lips together and silently cursing the tears that refused to stop spilling down her cheeks.
"Why should I believe you?"
"Because I never lied to you," he snapped and quickly gained control over his sharp tone, instantly sorry for being so short with her. "I didn't tell you about it, yes, but I didn't lie to you. I'm sorry, but I know apologies are no good now, so I might as well answer your questions and try to salvage what little is left of us as I can. You can't be mad at me for trying."
He breathed a sigh of relief when he watched her shiny, brunette head nod softly.
She wiped her eyes and rubbed the remnants of her mascara on her jeans. She was sure she looked like death, but she felt like it too so it was probably fitting. She stretched her legs out, feeling the ache that came with exhaustion in her muscles and folded her hands in her lap.
"Why…or how do your friends know about it?"
Her first question came almost in a whisper. She wasn't nervous to speak to him, but she felt uncomfortable and awkward. She felt like the walls of trust they'd built up were gone and she was sitting there attempting to be vulnerable with a person she didn't know. It was a funny feeling, she wanted to go cry to her best friend, but her best friend was him and he was the one she would be crying about.
She heard him shift against the concrete steps and she stiffened. She prepared herself to bolt if he touched her, she did not want to be touched. But she heard him sit down and she breathed a sigh of relief when she heard his weight settle behind her, not moving closer to fill the gap between them.
"I told James, that was my first mistake. Everyone knows he of all people can't keep a secret. But they never judged me for it, as most people would. I mean, if people knew about…it…I'd be barred from school, probably locked up. But James, Sirius, Peter…they accepted it. It was as if for the first time it wasn't this dirty part of me to hate, it was just a thing, like a scar that you deal with because it's there.
"The professors had this," he gestured to the shack even though he knew she wasn't looking. "This built for me so that I had somewhere to go…when…well you know. When the boys found out about it they had to be included, they're like children really, always wanting to be in on the secret or to have a piece of the newest toy. Anyway, long story short they all are an illegal animagus, because if they stay with me as people I'll…."
He trailed off, but they both knew what he was getting at.
He'd kill them. Despite the fact that they were his best friends, despite the fact that he loved her he would kill them if given the chance.
There was a momentary silence between the two of them. Her breaths were becoming more steady and regular; she found that if she kept her mind on simple things (homework, Charms, her home in the suburbs) she could keep her tears under control. He almost went to touch her when she stopped sniffling but stifled the urge by wrapping the sweatshirt tighter around the dog bite on his arm. He barely flinched at the sting the fabric caused as it sank into the wound. The ache he felt by looking at her sad, beaten down figure was worse than anything he could imagine.
She pressed a hand to her forehead and closed her eyes, emitting a sigh as she tried to focus on keeping her cool.
"So, ever since we've met, this is why you've disappeared once a month? This has been going on as long as I've known you?"
He nodded but then remembered she wasn't facing him.
"Yes."
She pulled her legs towards her, her muscles groaned with ache. She needed sleep, but even if she were lying in her soft, downy bed at school she knew the events of the evening would keep her up, probably for days.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
The question he knew would be coming came out of her mouth in a whisper. He pulled the cigarette out from his pocket and rolled it between his palms, hoping his answer wouldn't come out as a ramble and praying, praying she would understand.
"You are so innocent."
He paused, expecting an argument from her or at least a scoffing snort, but nothing came. She was simply listening now, quietly waiting for his explanation and waiting for something to start to make sense.
"Meeting you was like coming up for air after being pushed under water for days, years. You were the first person who made me forget about my problems, about all of this. Watching you, with your wide eyed way of looking at the world, was so fresh, so easy, so right. You were the person who made me feel like normal human being again.
"Maybe it's selfish, but I didn't want to let that go. When the Marauders found out I instantly became Mooney. This affliction became a part of my identity, and I don't blame them or even dislike the nickname but with you I don't have to associate myself with it. I'm just me and that's all you knew or needed.
"If I would have told you about it you wouldn't have been able to look at me with those wide, innocent, doe eyes anymore. You'd look at me how you'll look at me now, as someone who you're supposed to be afraid of. I couldn't live with that, I just wanted things to stay the way they were, to protect you from feeling how you're feeling now, to keep us going.
"But I failed, and I hurt you. In my attempts to protect you and keep you from all of this I ended up hurting you more. And for that I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
She quickly wiped away the tear that was sliding down her face. She wanted to run to him, to hold him and to tell that she was all right and that they would be all right. She wanted to be able to say I love you, to show him she still cared.
But she couldn't.
She knew he was right, a part of her was lost when she saw him like that, when she watched him lunge at her. A chunk of her innocence was gone, and it was his fault. She couldn't forgive him for that. She wouldn't be able to look at him and say I love you because there was a substantial part of him that she couldn't forget, could certainly not love, and could not ignore. She would never again be able to look at him and see the Remus Lupin she cared for; she'd see the person she used to know a long, long time ago.
"So, this is it? So this is the end?"
Tears were slowly slipping from her eyes but her voice remained steady as she asked the last question that she already knew the answer to.
He slowly rose to his feet, tucking the cigarette away again. He pushed aside his sadness as she tensed when she realized he was behind her. He hesitated, but gently laid a hand on her shoulder, breathing a sigh of relief when she didn't flinch at his touch as he had expected her to.
"You deserve to be with someone you can love every part of, someone whose flaws you can look at and still smile in spite of. A part of me will always care about you, but I don't blame you for being afraid. I'm afraid of me. I don't blame your for any of this."
In a second she was in his arms, pressing her face against his chest and clinging to him. She cried with him as he pressed his face into her hair, breathing in her scent for the last time.
"Someday," she said between sobs. "Someday I'll see you again and I'll be able to do this again without crying so hard.
"But someday someone is going to look at you and force you to love every part of yourself. Someone is going to force you to accept this and to look past and to live with it. They'll tell you they love you every day, even when the moon is full. I just can't be the girl to do that, and I'm sorry, I just can't."
He nodded with his face still in her hair, his tears made strands stick to her neck and face.
They held each other until the tears stopped. They held each other until the moon set and the sun came up.
And then they parted, each of them walking back to the castle alone.
Broken.
So glide away on soapy heals
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take the chain from of the door
Twenty years later…
Remus walked down the street of Diagon Alley, laughing to himself at the memory of James that Sirius had just jolted into his mind. The two had been musing about all the mischief they had gotten into at Hogwarts. He'd then left to meet Mad Eye at the Leaky Cauldron to discuss a possible new member for the order. He'd only heard a little about the girl, she was young, but was already a promising Auror and a highly skilled witch. She also had a special skill that Dumbledore had promised would be useful, though he couldn't remember what.
Remus was enjoying the bright, warm sunlight and the walk when he saw her.
It was her.
She was walking down the street, her long brown hair pulled into a slick, neat ponytail. She was in an impeccably tailored suit, it made her look older and a hundred times more professional the girl he'd known in school. Other than a few lines on her forehead she looked exactly the same, exactly as she had at Hogwarts. She was talking to a short, balding man, her pursed lips showing that their conversation was obviously all business. She had a briefcase in one hand and was using her other hand for emphasis on whatever she was talking about.
Her eyes met his, her lips barely paused.
He offered a short wave. She offered a small smile.
He felt like a teenager again, nervous to be seeing a girl that he was attracted to. Was he still attracted to her? It had been twenty some years, they hadn't spoken since that night.
That night.
Every now and then it would run though his mind like a bad movie. She was a memory he didn't like to relive, though he didn't hold that against her.
He ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath to stop his mind from panicking, and got ready to go say hello. Saying hello was polite.
He was jolted down to the ground when a flash of purple slammed into him.
He looked to his right and saw a small witch cursing as she shoved many random things back into a neon green handbag. She looked up at him with apologetic eyes that were the most intriguing color of blue he'd ever seen. Her hair was a short, purple bob with blunt bangs across her forehead, explaining the flash of color he'd seen before he'd hit the concrete.
"Merlin, I'm such a klutz," she said as she offered him a hand, helping pull him to his feet. "I was just in such a hurry, I'm already late. Oh, I'm sorry, did I already say sorry? Well sorry, just in case, I really am sorry."
He felt a smile grow across his face. Her voice was almost musical it came through so pure and so clear. He chuckled at the sight of a small ring in her nose; she was obviously young and still rebellious. Just the sight of her brought back happy memories of sneaking out past hours and picking on Slytherins.
"It's quite all right."
She shrugged her bag onto her shoulder.
"Thanks for being cool; I forget to look where I'm going ninety percent of the time. And now when I'm running late for such an important meeting…" the girl snapped her mouth shut and her cheeks flushed a dark crimson.
"I shouldn't have said that, it's supposed to be a secret. Merlin, there I go again," she furrowed her brows and shook her purple head.
"I'm going to quit while I'm behind, sorry for slamming into you," she turned to go but he stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. She looked down at his hand, and then back at his eyes.
Merlin, were they a beautiful blue.
"You aren't meeting two men at the Leaky Cauldron are you, one who's supposed to have a wooden eye? I know it's a leap but…" He didn't know what had sparked him to ask the question, but something in his gut knew the girl was to be trusted.
She nodded enthusiastically, her nose ring glinting in the sun.
"Well you're in luck; I'm one of those gents. Quite a coincidence running into you," he said with a grin on his face.
She smiled and shook his hand with such eagerness he thought she would burst from excitement.
"Merlin I'm glad, not glad that I flattened you but glad you aren't some stuck up Ministry type," the girl gushed.
He looked over his shoulder back where she'd been. She was now shaking the hand of the wizard, nodding officially. And then she turned on her heel and walked briskly in the opposite direction, as if she'd never seen him.
That's when it hit him
He wasn't a teenager anymore; he didn't have to talk to the girl who made him hate himself even more. He didn't have to subject himself to her judgmental looks or her "just being polite" conversation. He could move on, just as she had. She was like the end of the full moon, when there's just a crescent missing, the knowledge that it had happened was still there, but there was a whole new beginning in sight, a whole new time to look forward to.
Remus looked back at the girl with purple hair and the big smile.
"Let me walk with you," he said, offering her an arm.
She slid her arm through his and they made their way to the meeting with Mad Eye.
"I'm Tonks by the way," the girl said, beaming up at him.
"Nice to meet you, Tonks."
And Remus Lupin did not look back.