Very occasionally I get the urge to pen something a little frivolous... I was bored this weekend, stuffed full of cold and this just popped into my head... Pollywantsa dared me to post it, so without further ado...

Opening Night

There comes a time in every pirate's life when you have to make a stand. Some things are so far beyond the pale that no-one should stand by and let them go unanswered. Even if you don't have a reputation as the most feared space pirate in three galaxies…

Unfortunately sometimes dealing with the problem can be almost as unpalatable as the problem itself. But sadly in this case, flattening the offending parties from orbit with a well placed salvo from the oscillator cannon wasn't an option. Although after thirty minutes of a psychological assault on my senses, my manhood and my reputation, I was leaning to it more and more with every passing second.

The older, taller of the two men pushed the younger against the hull of the small vessel, and slammed his hands against the bulkhead on either side of his head. The younger man's eyes darted nervously, and he tried to meet the singular, cold glare fixed on his. 'You knew, didn't you? That I'm Gaia Fleet? I was sent…'

'To take back the oscillators and kill me if you could?' The older man's mouth curled into a cold sneer. 'A foolish mission, one that you had no chance in ten thousand of surviving, but that was your choice…'

'What… what are you going to do to me?' The younger man's eyes were wide and his lip trembled slightly, his lips parted and he licked the top one nervously with the tip of his tongue, a move the older man didn't miss.

'Whatever I want…' a sinfully handsome mouth curled into a lazy, cynical smile and he raked the youth from head to toe with his eye before turning away with a snarl of frustration....

'Don't grind your teeth.' Kei leaned over my lap so that she could whisper into my left ear and help herself to my popcorn at the same time. 'And ease up on the snarling - we don't want to alert security now, do we?' Since her wriggling at least took my mind of the abomination playing out in front of my eyes on a fifty foot projection screen, I settled for a non-commital grunt. Sadly she was back to sitting upright in her own seat, nibbling on my popcorn - having declined to get her own on the grounds that the pounds would show under a flightsuit - and that left me once more staring with fascinated horror as a barely post-pubescent pretty boy simpered his way through yet another scene that seemed to involve lots of longing looks at a slumming thespian of galaxy wide repute and a large female fanbase, taking every opportunity to stroke parts of said thespian's body in a way that would have gotten him arrested in real life. As if to suggest the audience was too stupid to get the hint the camera zoomed in for a close-up first of their gloved hands clasped over a joystick (no, not that kind…) then yet another meaningful exchange of looks before our taciturn hero strode off leaving his young co-star staring into the camera like the last puppy in the shop.

'You think you've got issues?' She neatly flipped a piece of toffee coated corn into her mouth. 'Have you seen the size of the tits on that actress?'

'Difficult to miss,' I deadpanned, unaccountably happy to be able to share the pain. She smacked the top of my arm. 'Ow. I mean, they were about twenty feet tall in that shower scene…' I almost choked on the next piece I ate. 'Oh… Gaia… I think the shirts are coming off… '

Kei smirked, and settled back into her seat. 'Well it is a shower… you expect them to do it fully clothed? And at least that's something worth seeing,' she whispered as the lead displayed a ripped torso and a low slung pair of pants that left barely anything to the imagination. 'Wow…' The pants hit the floor and I was hit by the sight of a pair of twenty foot tall buttocks. 'My eyes…' I tried to shut my good eye, but the image was already there.

'Oh my…' Kei breathed appreciatively.

Her sentiment was echoed by a large portion of the audience judging by the sighs that swept the auditorium. I slumped in my seat and tried to repress the snarl as the co-star playing the young, pretty dumb-as-fuck and far too easily led second lead exposed a flat, hairless, narrow chested physique that made me seriously doubt the earlier assumption as to the "post" status of his development. 'Oh for fuck's sa…'

'Shhh!' I'd earned a frown and a very annoyed glare from the lady sitting next to me who was old enough to be my grandmother. 'Kindly moderate your language young man!' Kei's spluttering snigger didn't manage to drown out my muttered "sorry".

Kei patted my knee. 'If it's any consolation,' she told me over the sub-voc link we were wearing, 'Your ass is to die for, and you did look a lot better than that even then…'

'I couldn't have looked a lot worse,' I muttered back. 'Oh dear Earth… he looks barely legal!' I took refuge in my popcorn before she decided to plunder it again, then my manners got the better of me and I placed it between us with a sigh. A wind machine ruffled the immaculate hair of our two leads - did no-one turn down the air-con on this ship? 'Oh hell… just how many times has he done that dramatic cloak flick? I'd be pissed by now if I'd been taking a sip ever since this film started…' Sure enough, once again the actor playing Harlock swept his cloak back dramatically as he turned, causing another wave of sighs as this displayed his leather-clad ass to the audience. To be fair once I thought about it, Harlock had had a tendency towards the dramatic, but over a space of several weeks it had never seemed quite so obvious as when some prancing prat forty feet tall in an eyepatch was doing it over the space of about two hours…

Since we were at the back of the packed theatre, at least we could make a move for the door whilst the director, writer, and several of the cast took their bows as the credits rolled. The actress voicing the animated version of our resident winged gannet for some reason was being given a curtain call, and I could only assume she was banging the director, since her lines had consisted of the occasional "caw". Kei bringing up the rear, I headed for the bar.

Backtracking a little here… A few years ago, I'd been a lowly lieutenant in the Gaia Fleet, running every dirty errand my older, nastier and much more senior brother could think to give me to help advance his career. Long story short, my final mission had been to attempt to find several very nasty, powerful explosive devices stolen by an infamous space pirate, and to assassinate said pirate.

Needless to say, I failed, and the reward for this abject snafu was to replace said infamous space pirate, taking on his name, the most powerful battleship in Earth history, and getting my undeserving hands on the gorgeous popcorn thieving blonde bombshell currently striding along beside me in a red dress with no back, very little front and showing a lot of leg. Success would have gotten me killed, so frankly, I came out ahead here. It's a hard life…

Fast forward to tonight, and in the months following the "end" - or at least temporary cessation of large scale engagements - between us (as in humans) and them (an Evil Empire of mechanised humans) - some bright spark had decided that there was a nice amount of money to be made from cashing in on the celebrity of certain photogenic outlaws. And the result was the abomination I'd just sat through, wherein I'd been relegated from hero to a simpering rent-boy dazzled by the masculine beauty of my predecessor. At least in the final scenes my counterpart came to his senses, brought the infamous pirate to justice and then, disgusted with the state of affairs back home, decided to take his ship and set sail for pastures new…

That, however, wasn't exactly why we were here… though it did highlight said reason. Annoying though it was, and satisfying though it would be to terminate this atrocity with extreme prejudice, what I wanted was something rather more valuable…

For some reason there's an unspoken rule at these gatherings that you can't be civilised and sit at a table to eat. Instead you're expected to wander around the room with a glass of some overpriced fizzy grape juice in one hand (and thanks to having access to Harlock's wine cabinet I've tasted real, Earth grown champagne… what they pass off these days is an even bigger abomination than the film I'd just sat through…) and a plate of indigestible canapes in the other (thus rendering most of the participants incapable of getting to a weapon quickly). Kei and I compromised: she held a plate, I held a wine glass. As the room began to fill up with chattering social butterflies, we drifted over to a wall close to the largest window, and waited. I risked a quick look down to where one very long, lean and shapely leg emerged from a soft fall of red satin. Even knowing where she'd strapped her holdout, I couldn't spot it. Which given how that sheath dress clung to every curve was a testament to Maji's abilities. The over-hyped designers of the other women's ensembles could have learned from our resident armourer.

'When you promised me a dinner date,' she told me somewhat tartly, 'this wasn't what I had in mind…'

'I'll make it up to you,' I promised. 'But for the record, you do look rather lovely. And totally wasted on this crowd…' She did, at that, and I wasn't going to tire of looking at her anytime soon. The dress clung like a second skin, plunging low in front and barely covering her back, the deep v ending just above the dimple at the base of her spine. The long slit at the side allowed for a long look at her legs, and the slim lines accentuated her height. For the win, Anita and Luna had spent ages on her hair, and it was piled high, with artful tendrils tumbling down over her shoulders. Luna had also - over Kei's objections - made sure to cover the extensive scars on her back. Frankly I wouldn't have cared about them being on display, but they would have been a bit of a giveaway that we weren't exactly the kind of people you invited to premieres. I'd also had to cover up the scar on my face, and my eyepatch currently resided in my jacket pocket.

That dress, I promised myself, was coming off later. Slowly. Very, very slowly.

She smiled, a little more hesitantly than usual. 'You don't look too bad yourself,' she replied, popping a vol au vont in between full pink lips. Lucky vol au vont… And no, I didn't, since faux-military was all the rage after the war, and I cleaned up nicely in a three-quarter jacket based on the SDF fleet uniform, form-fitting leather pants and knee boots. Even without a gun belt over the ensemble. 'There's quite a crowd. Are you sure we can pull this off?'

Somewhere over to my left the second lead was holding forth about his role in the sequel: '...working out… ...of course, I'll be doing my own stunts this time - there's a scene where I have to free-climb up the inside…' a quick glance showed the young idiot in a tight fitting black t that was pasted over a washboard-like stomach that showed more of an incredible devotion to the gym rather than to actually running for your damned life every day. '...yes, it's one hell of a regime, but I feel it's worth it…'

'Keeps that up he'll be wider than he is tall,' I muttered. Up close the kid was probably five inches shorter than me, and could probably have smothered in the foothills of his taller female co-star. Judging by the way his hand kept fondling her behind, he probably did so on a regular basis.

'Hmm?' Kei prodded me gently when I didn't immediately reply.

'Nothing. Look, just bear with me,' I said eventually. 'I've worked rooms like this before. Most of these events operate on some basic principles that are universal, whatever the purpose. There's a knack to it.'

'Are you sure?' she gave the mingling horde around the buffet tables a wary glare. 'How do you plan on getting close to our target? None of these people know us, why would they let us through? They're all nodding, smiling and chatting as though they know each other…'

I put down the glass of carbonated piss on the tray of a passing waiter. 'Ah. But no-one ever calls you out if you act as though you belong. Nor would anyone be so rude as to ask who the hell you are when you greet them like an old friend. Follow my lead.' I gave her a peck on the cheek and took her plate from her. 'Time to do what we came for.' With that, I tucked her arm under mine, and led us out into the battlefield.

It had been a few years since I'd had to work a room like this, but like a lot of my misspent youth, it wasn't something I'd forgotten. There were times I wished I could; some of the things I'd done for Isora left a nasty taste in my mouth even now. But at least they occasionally came in useful in my new life. A little judicious intel gathering beforehand, and keeping your eyes and ears peeled on the ground, and it was amazing what you could achieve. And purloin for later from the buffet tables...

'How the hell do you do that?' Kei - who after all these years should have had a little more faith in me - almost twisted her head round to see if the corpulent corporate tool I'd just schmoozed was onto us. 'We weren't even at that gala…'

'Ah, but he doesn't know that. A few anecdotes from the gossip 'zines, a little back door jiggery pokery in his files from Yattaran, and I can salt a conversation just enough to make him wonder if his memory's slipping and we did meet. After all - I'm so pleased to see him again…' I smirked. 'Security rarely bother you if they think you belong. Watch and learn…"

She narrowed her eyes. 'Honestly, just when I think I've seen everything, you pull something out of your hat that makes me realise that you truly are totally full of it…'

I resisted the urge to stick my tongue out at her, and raised my hand to wave at someone across the room. 'Simon! Simon Keller, you sly fox…' I made our way through the crowd to where the tall, broad-shouldered, (fair haired - who'd have thought?) leading man was talking to a short, stout man about my age, with prematurely thinning black hair and the beginnings of a muffin top under his cumberbund. 'Oh - I'm so sorry.' I offered my hand to the blond adonis. 'Raymar's the name. This is my better half. Sorry to interrupt…' I put an arm over Keller's pudgy shoulders and made sure to bring my weight down into it just enough to make him grunt slightly, before I gripped his upper arm. 'Amazing film. Fantastic performance. You really captured the essence of the man…' I continued. He wriggled his fingers when I released his hand, and offered it to Kei.

He drew his hand back from Kei's with only a slight wince so she must have gone easy on him. Up close he wasn't even my height - they must have put him on a box to film some of those scenes. Under my restraining grip, Simon Keller was squirming as though about to make a run for it, but a slight nod in Kei's direction was all it took to ensure she flanked the tubby little weasel. 'Thank you.' I'll give him this, he had the voice for the part. 'Most of the credit has to go to the script however - an actor is only as good as the part, after all…'

'Too modest,' I gushed, giving Keller's arm a tighter squeeze. 'But I might just agree with you here, a little. A bang up job, Simon old boy… Incredible detail, especially in the early scenes. Almost as if the writer had had a front row seat on the action, and an insight into the minds of some of the players. Right, Simon?'

'Ungh.'

Tall blond and marginally handsome (with the help of a bit of surgery or I was no judge, and certainly not even close to having the the dark, brooding, sinful intensity the man he'd portrayed had emanated as naturally as breathing had had) decided I wasn't nearly as interesting as my companion. And by that I didn't mean a certain former desk clerk from the Gaia Fleet Admiralty who'd turned his hand to the entertainment business. Whilst the Leading Man was busy fishing his eyeballs out of my wife's cleavage, I gently but firmly steered Keller into an alcove far enough away for privacy, but not so far that I couldn't prevent bloodshed if some idiot of an actor put the moves on the second most dangerous space pirate in three galaxies.

Oh, all right then. She is scarier than I am, but only because she's had more practice.

'Yama…' Keller stammered out my old name once we were out of the crowd. 'I can explain…'

'I'm sure you can,' I said smoothly. I let him go and stood between him and any escape route. 'But I think I can guess… Hacking classified mission files and using them as the basis for a blockbuster warp-vid though? Tut, tut, Simon… You know, that was a ballsy move. Did you really think I wouldn't realise when I saw that leaked copy? In amongst all the crap there's dialogue and information that only someone privy to my F-111 reports could have known about.'

'Who knew pirates watch the bloody warp feeds?' he grumbled. But he didn't look me in the eye.

'Anyone who'd paid attention to any of my reports where I whinged about the way those idle buggers wiled away their spare time watching daytime vid-serials, reality shows and porn?' I replied a little snappily, 'or did you only pay attention to the sexy bits with guns and space monsters?' I sighed. 'Simon, Simon, Simon… Half my crew had it figured out the first time that vid aired - did you really think none of them would let it go without commenting? The sarky bastards aren't letting me live this down and for that alone…' I raised my hand and he flinched, but since all I was doing was hailing a waiter, he quickly recovered, especially when I placed a glass of fizz in his hands. He gulped at it like a dying fish out of water. 'Mimay might like a word by the way…' Well, more than a word. The scene where "she" swarmed up "Harlock's" body from under the sheets had led to one of the vanishingly few occasions where I realised Nibelungs could throw a tantrum...

'It's just entertainment,' he babbled, getting half the glass contents down his expensive tux. 'I mean… the admiral was dead, the files were there, and it was pretty cool stuff - day to day life on a pirate ship, the loneliness of two men caught in a web of deceit, self deception, lies, guilt… universe in danger, betrayal, redemption… Stuff awards are made of. I couldn't lose!'

I took the now empty glass from his unsteady fingers. Despite it being a well air conditioned room, he was sweating like a pig. 'What are you going to do to me?' he asked, only now meeting my eyes, looking like a small mammal caught in the lights of an oncoming vehicle.

'That's something you should have thought of before making me look like Harlock's effete catamite,' I snapped, more than a little acidly. He went paler, if that was possible, and swallowed hard, the fake fizz obviously disagreeing with the salmon mousse toasts.

'I get that you're pissed, but sex sells. Hot guys… alien chicks… that sexpot in the dominatrix get-up…' I slapped him around the back of the head for that last one, and he looked confused for a moment, before glancing over at his leading man, realising who I'd been escorting, and turning an even whiter shade of pale. 'Look, there are a lot of innocent people around tonight. If you're going to start shooting…'

'And hand you and your partners in atrocity all that free publicity?' I snorted. 'Please. I've got no intention of causing a ruckus. The bloody thing would be playing from here to Gamilas for the next twenty years if Captain Harlock attacked the damned premiere…' (It had been embarrassing enough when Blaze and Marin had acted out the final scene in front of the crew, where "Harlock" dies in "Yama's" arms complete with dying declarations. The thought of the warp-comm call I'd take from Gamilas' punk ass, self-styled emperor once he saw this travesty…? Yeah. He's a sarcastic prick on a good day…)

Keller however perked up at the mention of me going full-on space pirate on his red carpet. 'Oooh...we didn't think of that...You can't buy that amount of publicity! PR would…' he caught my eye, swallowed hard again and shut up.

'Yeah. I wouldn't take that thought any further if I were you,' I told him. Kei sashayed over at that point, looking as though she'd like to kill something just to make her feel better. Good job she wouldn't have caught the dominatrix crack via the commlink; it would have gotten messy.

'You owe me,' she ground out as she took her place beside me. 'I swear that creep was undressing me with his eyes…'

I forbore from mentioning that her dress didn't exactly help here, wisely keeping my mouth shut. 'Now then,' I chirped. 'No snarling…' I held back a snigger. 'Fair's fair, you were eying up his six pack earlier…' The look I got promised retribution later. And possibly a moratorium on removing that dress. 'Has our ride arrived?'

She nodded. 'Ali's waiting in the parking zone. Are you sure you wouldn't rather do this here?' She eyed Keller up like a shark spotting chum, and the little weasel gulped. Nasty case of reflux he had there.

'Quieter outside,' I replied, talking over his head as we both took an arm with studied friendliness. 'Now then, Simon… Since you've annoyed me, and put me to all the trouble of having to come and get you, you owe me something here.'

'But… I don't… What do you…?'

'For a writer,' Kei said blandly, 'He doesn't seem very good at finishing his sentences.'

'I had noticed,' was my equally laconic response. 'You see, Simon, making off with my brother's classified files was not a very smart move on your part. Going public with part of them - even disguised as fiction - was positively stupid. Because I wasn't the only person who realised what you'd done, and when word got out that someone had gotten hold of Admiral Isora's private files… well, that someone's life expectancy plummeted. Because those files are very valuable in the wrong hands. And some very influential people are mentioned in them. People who have a great deal to lose if any of the dirt Isora - that is to say - I - gathered on them became public.'

'I wasn't going to…'

'See. Really need to work on your dialogue.' I steered him out of the ballroom, one hand slung casually over his shoulders, Kei bringing up the rear and on watch for security, who hopefully would see just a couple of old pals going outside for a bit of a chat. 'Now I'm going to do you a big favour and take them off your hands.'

'But… what do I get…?'

'To live?' Kei offered darkly. She looked down at the floor and stepped smartly over a trail our prey was leaving in his wake. 'Oh. Gross.'

Our "borrowed" hoverlimo pulled up at the foot of the steps and Ali opened the door for us to get in. I dropped a little doggy bag on his lap and he grinned at me. 'Captain! You're the best!' he peeked at the contents. 'Vol au vonts? You're spoiling me. Ooh... it's real salmon as well…' He put his haul on the dashboard and ignored Kei's annoyed sigh. 'That the little rat?' He sniffed as we stuffed the offending article into the back seat. 'You know, when you're done with him, me an' the boys'd like a word about how we're portrayed in that flick of his. I come off like a right prat…'

I shared a look with Kei and tried to look innocent as I took the passenger seat. 'Just drive,' I told my resident pain in the ass. 'A couple of times around the block should be long enough…' I turned around in my seat leaning on the back of the chair with my chin resting on my folded arms. 'Now, Simon. You're going to be a good boy and show us where you've stashed those files…'

I smiled. In hindsight, not the smartest move, since he then heaved up all over Kei who was sitting opposite at the time, and the hem of her dress caught the brunt of sour wine mixed with fish paste.

Nope. Definitely not getting to take that snappy little red number off later. I sighed, wondering if it was too late to change my mind about an orbital bombardment…