So basically this is my first fanfiction, and i suck at writing so don't feel you have to read it or whatever, i just needed to get it out of my system after tonights episode, my feels were all over the place! Reviews are welcome, the good and the bad. Errm yeh enjoy, or don't your choice :D
ps. the grammar is awful and its meant to sound kind of like a thought process.. and it probably isn't proof read well or very good at all.
pps. Not entirely sure i've worked out how to use this so the summary etc may all be wrong and the paragraphing
It's now or never, 'Nikki?' I say, and she turns and looks at me, 'I'm not brilliant with emotions'
'Yeh, I've got that,' she responds, and her face is breaking and I struggle to put how I'm feeling into words,
'They make me feel uncomfortable, I panic, shut down,' my eyes begin to well, and I can see her brain running at a hundred miles an hour trying to think of what to say next, we stare at each other for a moment.
'Well you're missing out on a lot,' her voice wavers, and I nod slowly trying to find the words, and shes turning to leave and I can't let her just go without trying so I stumble over my words, 'What I'm trying to say.. Or ask you is,' and she cuts me off, anger and hurt ripple through her voice.
'Don't, Lorraine, I understand and I sympathise but I'm not willing to put my heart on the line so you get some practice at being a human being, I'm sorry that's just how it is.' And she turns to walk away and I'm left alone. Again. What did I expect? That she'd forgive me and we'd live happily ever after? Who am I kidding, she was never going to lay out the red carpet and welcome me back with open arms. But I thought...maybe I don't know.. Something, she'd at least let me ask. She'd at least understand how hard it was for me to open up to her. And I watch her as she walks away, and my loneliness surrounds me. The silence engulfing me, and its somehow deafening, as if all I can hear is the silence around me reminding me that I'm alone and I don't know what to do because I've lost my sister and my girlfriend in one day.
So I do what I do best, I run and hide. It's the typical Lorraine response when it all gets too much and I can't keep up the facade of confident cocky Lorraine anymore. So I go home, open a bottle of wine and drown my sorrows. Well that's the plan. But my thoughts are consumed with images of my mum, and my sister, and her, and I don't want a drink anymore I want to be sober when I cry. I want to feel like normal people. I've always been alone, for as long as I can remember, I never let my guard down or let myself get close to anyone because I know that I'm no good with relationships. I don't know how to act, or be or what to feel. I've told myself over and over again that I don't need relationships that I'm rich and successful and that is all I need. But with her it was different, and she is all I can think about and I'm suddenly struggling to breathe, and I am a mess. I'm telling myself that I made the right decision, cutting the relationship short, it wasn't going to last and it saves us both the heartache in the long run. But if that is the case then why do I feel like my heart is breaking in two, why do I want nothing more than to be sat in her cosy flat cuddled up watching shit TV? Or having a drink in that pub she likes so much with the fire and, oh god what have I done. Why did I stop things with her, I wanted to prove Michael wrong, that I did believe in the school, and that I wasn't a hypocrite, that business always came first. But none of that really matters, whats the point in putting business first when there is no one to share my success with. I've been such a fool, I don't know what to do because I can't stop thinking about her, her lips on mine, the looks we shared and I all I know is that I need to talk to her. I need to call her, I need to fix this. So I reach for my phone and scroll through my contacts. I hover over her name, but then doubt creeps over me, and it's haunting and I throw my phone at the wall, she won't want to talk to me, not after what I said or did.
So I sit and think and I ponder over what was or what is, or what could have been. And before I know it I'm crying, sobbing and the tears are streaming down my face and it feels good. I haven't cried in so long, and I've forgotten what it feels like, I relish in the pain, the cold wet droplets hitting my face and I smile because it means I am human, it means I'm capable of caring and that most importantly it means that maybe, just maybe I have a chance of winning her back. So I sit and I welcome the tears, and the pain and the sorrow. I don't know how long I sit there for, but I know it must have been a while because my eyes are closing and I slowly start to switch off, I let the darkness take over.
I'm awoken suddenly by a bang. There is a knock at my door, and I'm suddenly so awake and I'm hoping, silently praying that it's her. I slowly get up from the sofa, looking in the mirror as I walk down the grand hallway. I look a state, my eyes are swollen and mascara stains my cheeks, my hair is a mess and my business suit crumpled. But I don't care if she sees me like this, as long as it means that we can talk, go back to being at friends, maybe more, because I can't imagine my life without her, and I really don't want to. So I lean towards the door preparing myself for it to be a delivery or some business associate from the past, and I'm telling myself over and over again that it won't be her. Because why would it? I take a deep breath and open the door.