And I watched it all as it was taking place. Like an outer body experience those crazy people on the womans network go on endlessly about. I watched as Annette cradled me like a child, I watched as ronald backed away like a coward, utterly shocking. I watched as once again I was the center of attention, always the life of the party. I watched myself die. Yet strangly, i'm not rattled, death is far easier to accept once your dead. It was all quite a mess wasn't it dear? But at the end of the day it was all worth it, the death, the destruction, the mass carnage was all worth it just to see the look on that pretty face of yours. To see your angelic features twist and contort as that halo was knocked off your head was so worth the price i had to pay.
The only thing that even slightly compares is the shock and awe of all the socialites once they discovered what a naughty girl you had been. "Her poor parents", "she seemed like such a nice girl" yes, that one has to be my favourite. The fact that you were ever at any point in time considered a nice girl is absolutely astonishing ot me. I still to this day don't know how they didn't see it. And now they all realize that they've been made fools of, the fact that a young girl was able to pull the wool over there eyes for so long, reprehensible. That's what your are isn't it Kathryn? completely reprehensible. The evil deeds you have done far surpass any of mine, the sheer coldness of you is almost unbelievable. But then again, that is what attracted me to you in the first place. You were different from other girls, not that you were ever a "girl", girls are moronic and giggle at the thought of sex and all the ickiness that goes along with it, you never giggled. For years I had thought you heartless, I pictured a pile of dust where that particular organ should be. In fact, I had always assumed that all of your intestines had been pickled and rotted, I pictured your ovaries decaying and your uterus imploding. Because there didn't seem to be anything human about you kathryn. You moved through life like a robot...or a moster. Yes, that's it, a monster, like in those awfully acted black and white friday night creeper movies where the big black grizzly creature popped up at the most oportune moment.
Yet, despite all of that, I wanted you because you were bad and I liked that. You were such a breath of fresh air compared to what I was use to. Burberry girls with stars in there eyes, hoping that their cunt would differ from the rest and i'd feel at home, i'd want to stay, I never stayed. It was too easy, I didn't even have to try, we'd meet at 12 and by 12:15 i knew the trim of there bikini wax, brazillian was by far the most popular. There words were coated in sugar, saying things they thought I wanted to hear but it only enraged me. They thought they were special or different, I could practically hear them bragging to there girlfriends "i've got my hooks in him", please. After awhile there faces all blurred to together to create a really long one night stand and I was always left wanting.
I pictured you, you know? i'll allow you a few minutes to deflate your ego. When they were underneath me, writhing around like a dying animal I would pretend it was you. I'd see your chestnut hair fanned over the pillow instead of blonde or red. It was your legs wrapped around my waste, it was your body bent over. It was your ass, it was your tits, it was your belly, it was your cunt. And when whoever I happened to be fucking made a noise I would become infuriated, because only then did I have to face reality, there voices and sounds made it real. They always made noises I know you would never make. They coo'd and let out tiny gasps, you would have grabbed my ears and told me to do it harder, quite the distinction. No kathryn, I don't like "girls", but annette is a different story, the exception if you will.
Annette rearranged my insides without trying, with no intent to do so. She made me happy in such a sweet way, a way I suspect normal people feel most of the time, that's what she did, created normalcy inside me. Say what you will kathryn, nothing is ever going to change the fact that I loved her and she loved me. She didn't care about ridiculous bets and wagers, she didn't inflict pain for shits and giggles. And when I fucked her it felt like a religious experience. I had plenty of sex in my hay day mind you but all of the trysts didn't even come close to that day, being inside her, actually caring about what I was doing to her. The only thing that comes close are the rare moments I had with you. The secret touching, experienced touching. The groping hands and hushed moans. That expert tongue of yours that has undoubtedly licked manhatten head to toe. The strength of my need was overwhelming, somedays I couldn't even look at you. I'd see too much thigh and i'd have to eliviate myself, thats the power you had over me kathryn, it was all sexual.
Don't be hurt princess, i'm not saying I don't love you. Sure maybe parts of me have changed, the parts that belong to annette, but a small portion of me will always belong to you. How could I not love you? your fire and ice and blood and guts and everything that shakes up my bones. I love you kathryn, it's just not the right kind.
I love the way you move and the shape of your shadow. I love your inability to feel, or at least your inability to show it. But I think the thing I loved the most was the fact that I couldn't have you and even if I had gotten you, where would that leave us? Both to proud and ignorant to acknowledge the feelings, to stubborn to tell the truth, to stubborn to let go. The only thing that would ever have come out of our unuion is pain and resentment and our lives were already filled with that. Maybe I was tired, maybe I just wanted to feel combfortble with someone. Annette was the most combfortable person I had ever known, she felt like home, she made things simple.
And i know that you try to trivialize it because you can't accept the fact that the love I felt was honest, it wasn't games and bullshit. It didn't hurt to be with her, it always hurt when I was with you. Don't take it to heart darling, your still the first girl i've ever loved, that should make you sleep easier. I do you know, still love you, my little ice princess, my glitter queen, the tortured love of my life. I am and always will be madly in love with Annette, but you, your the love of my life. I wouldn't die for you, I wouldn't kill for you but I will always want you Kathryn, death hasn't changed that.