Land Before Time "Mockumentary"
by Martial Arts Master
All Land Before Time characters copyrighted by Universal Studios and Universal Cartoon Studios. I made up everyone else. I got this idea because I recently remembered the R2-D2 "mockumentary", or fake documentary, that was aired a while back on a channel I can't remember. I also got this idea because there was a Digimon fanfic dealing with what would happen if the Digimon characters were all actors. So I thought, "What if the Land Before Time characters were actors, as opposed to cartoons given voices?" I then thought that I should expand on this possibility, and create a fake documentary. So, let's get on with it already.
***
(Fade in. We see a boy in martial arts gear sitting in a chair, playing video games. He turns and notices the camera. He turns the games off and climbs out of the couch, standing up straight.)
Boy: Oh, hello. I'm Martial Arts Master. If you're here, you're probably big fans of the Land Before Time series of video tapes. Now, those particular fans typically fall into one of two categories.
(Martial Arts Master clears his throat.)
Martial Arts Master: The first type of fan likes only the original Land Before Time movie, the one that Don Bluth had a hand in. This type of fan believes that the sequels, to put it bluntly, suck. Well, I respect that type of fan's opinion.
(Martial Arts Master gives a thumbs-up.)
Martial Arts Master: The second type of fan likes all of the Land Before Time movies, original and sequels included. This type of fan typically has watched all nine Land Before Time movies. I am this type of fan, and I own all nine Land Before Time movies! Boo-yah!
(Martial Arts Master clears his throat again.)
Martial Arts Master: Now, we all know that the characters we cherish are just pen and ink with voices added in. But what if they weren't? Allow me to take you to an alternate universe...a universe where the characters we all know and love are actors that can be visited like any other actors. Follow me, my faithful friends...
(Martial Arts Master leaves the house.)
(Cut to: Martial Arts Master taking a studio bus. He looks at the camera again.)
Martial Arts Master: Don't ask me how I'm going to be able to access the studio. If I told you that, I'd probably have to kill you.
(Martial Arts Master laughs.)
Martial Arts Master: Relax, I'm just kidding.
(Martial Arts Master looks out the window.)
Martial Arts Master: Ah, here we are now!
(Martial Arts Master gets off the studio bus. He looks around and notices two male security guards blocking his way.)
Security Guard #1: I'm sorry sir, but you need clearance to access the studio.
Security Guard #2: Please show us your clearance.
(Martial Arts Master holds up a piece of paper.)
Security Guard #1: Okay, you can go in.
(Martial Arts Master smirks and walks past them.)
Martial Arts Master: Once again, do not ask me how I'm able to gain this access. It's top secret.
(Martial Arts Master walks into one of the studios. He notices the characters gathered around.)
Martial Arts Master: It's...showtime. By the way, I'm only interviewing the characters separately, so there will always be only one character in the room with me at the time. That way they can talk freely about each other without each other finding out.
(Fade to black.)
(Fade in: black screen, with large white caption: SHARPTEETH)
(Fade in to: the sharptooth from the first movie.)
Sharptooth: Well, we sharpteeth are always portrayed as villains in the movies. After all, we can be pretty intimidating. But I think that's very biased, because we sharpteeth have to eat meat to survive! Have you ever actually tried those leaves? They taste awful! How can leaf-eaters stand it?
Martial Arts Master's voice: What about Chomper and his family in the second and fifth movies?
Sharptooth: That's so typical. Why does a sharptooth have to be cute in order to be lovable? If you ask me, the only lovable sharpteeth in those movies were Chomper's parents. They were ferocious and loving.
Martial Arts Master's voice: Are you sure you're not just jealous of Chomper? You in particular only made an appearance in the very first movie, while Chomper's been in two movies.
Sharptooth: Me? Jealous of that little runt? Of course not! Everyone who's anyone knows that I'm the most ferocious sharptooth in all of the nine movies! I lasted a whole film before the scene where the brats dropped a boulder on me and left me to drown. I even kill off a character, Littlefoot's mother!
(Cut to: footage of the same scene that the Sharptooth is talking about. We see the battle from the first movie that Littlefoot's mother has with the Sharptooth, we see her getting chomped, and then winning the battle just barely, and it goes on to the death scene.)
(Cut back to: the Sharptooth from that same movie.)
Sharptooth: You see that? I actually kill off a character! No other Sharptooth in any of the movies does that! And yet, the studio only gives me exactly the same amount of money as the other large Sharpteeth! I deserve more! I'm the best! Why can't anyone realize it?!
Martial Arts Master's voice: (whispering to the camera) Someone's been visited by the green-eyed monster of jealousy...
(Cut to: Chomper, the baby dinosaur from the second and fifth movies.)
Martial Arts Master's voice: Hey Chomper, glad to have you here.
Chomper: It's great to be here! (grins)
Martial Arts Master's voice: So, tell us a little bit about your work.
Chomper: All right. As you know, I don't show up until the second movie, where I get stolen by egg-eaters as an egg and then hatch.
(Cut to: footage of the scene in the movie where Chomper hatches out of the egg. We go on to see how everyone runs from Chomper initially.)
Chomper: (ruefully) The director wouldn't let me say anything in that movie, though. He says it's because I'm supposed to be a baby, and babies can't talk. (jokingly) Maybe he just didn't want to pay me more for speaking lines.
(We hear Martial Arts Master laughing.)
Chomper: Beeing serious, though, ever wonder why Littlefoot was the first one to trust me and became my surrogate parent? The director wrote the scene like that because Littlefoot and I work well together. We've been pals since before we got into the movie business.
(Cut to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: Yeah, Chomper's my friend. We kid around sometimes on the set. Personally I think he's the only good sharptooth on the set, other than his parents. The other ones just scare me, but Chomper's cool.
(Cut to: Cera, facing the camera.)
Cera: Chomper and I are...usually at odds. It's fitting that I was cast in the fifth movie as the character who doesn't trust Chomper.
(Cut to: Footage of Cera hurting Chomper's feelings in the fifth movie, causing him to go off in tears. Littlefoot snaps at her that she hurt his feelings, and she says that Chomper doesn't have feelings; he's a sharptooth.)
Cera: I think it all started when we were doing that scene in the second movie where we sang the song about Chomper being "one of us" now.
(Cut to: footage of the end of the song, where Chomper bites Cera's tail.)
Cera: Chomper was only supposed to pretend to bite my tail when we were shooting that scene, but he bit it for real! And the cameras kept rolling, so I had to go along with the scene and not tell anyone my tail really was hurt until after we were done shooting for the day. Chomper says he did it by accident, but I think he did it on purpose.
(Cut back to: Chomper, facing the camera.)
Martial Arts Master's voice: So, in my solo interview with Cera she talked about the biting tail incident. Care to elaborate?
Chomper: (frustrated) It was an ACCIDENT! I suppose Cera forgot to mention that I told her that my jaw hinge was a little loose that day. Luckily, Cera's the only one who thinks I did it on purpose.
(Cut to: Petrie, facing the camera.)
Petrie: (speaking with his usual horrendous grammar) Chomper's a great guy. He no grumble about being in only two movies. He very good sport about it. Me not as good friend with him as Littlefoot, but to memory we never fight.
(Cut to: Ducky, facing the camera.)
Ducky: I like Chomper, I do, I do. He is a cutie, yup, yup, yup. Plus he has always been nice to me. I wish Cera could learn from his example...
(Cut to: Chomper's parents, facing the camera.)
Chomper's father: Chomper, my mate and I were very excited about being cast in movies. I've never acted before, but it turned out I was a natural, and so was Chomper.
Chomper's mother: I needed a little more help, but I managed to get through it. And as to Chomper, we're very proud of him.
(Cut to: the pack of velociraptor sharpteeth from the third movie, facing the camera.)
Lead sharptooth: I was wondering when it was our turn! I was very pleased when we were selected to be villains in the third movie. People are very racist about sharpteeth. They think they're all big lumbering giants. I think we really broadened our viewers' horizons. There are many different types of sharpteeth, if you bother to look them up.
(Cut to: Different pieces of footage from the sharpteeth attacking in the third movie.)
(Cut to: the swimming sharptooth from the ninth movie.)
Swimming Sharptooth: The ninth movie was my chance to shine, and I must say I performed the part flawlessly. I hate the fact that everybody thinks sharpteeth only walked on land. I'm glad to say I changed many perceptions for the cast members.
(Cut to: Ichy and Dil from the fourth movie, facing the camera.)
Ichy: I wish I'd gotten more roles than just the fourth movie. And the one I had, I had to argue with Dil all the time!
Dil: Yeah, that ticked us off, because Dil and I are great friends in real life. He helps me when I can't see so good, and I help him when he can't hunt so good. We work together in that respect better in real life than in the fourth movie.
(Fade to black.) (Fade in: black screen, with a white caption in bold letters: LITTLEFOOT)
(Cut to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Martial Arts Master: Littlefoot, how do you feel about your role as leader of your little group?
Littlefoot: (enthusiastically) I'm having a great time. Cera, Ducky, Petrie, Spike, and I are getting to be like one big happy family. We've been in nine movies so far. The best part is they didn't make my character too perfect. I'm a realistic dinosaur, with realistic feelings. Like the time they shot the scene where my mother died, and I was next shown crying and then lonely and depressed over it.
(Cut to: footage of the scene in the first movie where Littlefoot's mother dies, and then scenes of Littlefoot's subsequent depression. We even see the scene where Littlefoot mistakes his own shadow for his mother.)
(Cut back to: Littlefoot.)
Littlefoot: (laughs) Thank goodness my mother didn't actually die. I see her around sometimes on the set, but since they killed her off she can't star in any other movies. Now she's the one who lifts the camera in the air when they need to shoot aerial scenes.
(Cut to: Littlefoot's mother, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot's mother: I don't really regret being killed off so early. My son's a better actor than I am, and I think they realized that. Littlefoot needed his chance to shine, not me.
(Cut back to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: Then there's my grandparents. There's a reason they were cast as my advisors in the movies.
(Cut to: a huge amount of footage of Littlefoot's grandparents giving Littlefoot advice throughout all the movies.)
(Cut to: Littlefoot's grandparents, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot's grandma: I like my role. I don't really do well under the pressure of having a lot of lines, so I'm comfortable with the minor role I'm assigned with. It gives me more time to spend quality time alone with my mate.
Littlefoot's grandpa: I think my lucky break came when I got to have a much larger role in the fourth movie: the part of the character everyone needs to save.
(Cut to: footage of Littlefoot's grandfather, sick, in various scenes in the fourth movie.)
(Cut back to: Littlefoot's grandparents.)
Littlefoot's grandfather: I really couldn't be prouder of my grandson. He has so much acting potential! And he's the nicest grandson you could ask for.
(Cut to: Ali, from the fourth movie, facing the camera.)
Ali: Littlefoot? Well, there's a reason I was cast as trying to gain his attention all throughout the fourth movie. The director knows this and that's why he made that decision, but I haven't told anyone else besides him, so please don't tell anyone what I'm about to say, but I have a teensy-weensy crush on Littlefoot. You have to admit he's cute...and he's nice...and he's a great leader...oh dear, I'm rambling.
(Cut back to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: I'm glad they put Ali in the fourth movie. She was nice. We worked well together. The only thing that really bothers me is that in the fourth movie, the writer made the narrator say at the end that we'd meet Ali again, but that it was another story. But the writer keeps procrastinating about putting Ali in another movie because he has so many other ideas! I mean come on! Did the writer think the fans wouldn't notice?!
(Cut to: Doc, from the sixth movie.)
Doc: I guess Littlefoot's okay. Sometimes he's too impulsive, though.
(Cut to: Cera, facing the camera.)
Cera: Well, about Littlefoot, I think he's a stuffed shirt, as the expression goes. I really don't think there's any reason why he should get to be the leader in all the movies and not me. I mean, I have much better leadership skills than he does! I should be the star of the movies! ME! (clears throat) Ali, however, I do get along with. In the movie, I don't trust Ali at first...
(Cut to: footage of Cera in the fourth movie not trusting Ali at first, and then footage of Ali saving her life and thus making them friends.)
Cera: In real life, unlike the movie, we've always been friends. We first met when I first got on the movie set for my first movie and Ali was an errand girl, not yet having been given a role.
(Cut to: Ducky, facing the camera.)
Ducky: I think Littlefoot is great in the role of leader, because he has great leadership skills in real life, yup, yup, yup. He is always solving problems one way or another. He and I work well together. Spike can't talk, but he likes Littlefoot too.
(Cut to: Petrie, facing the camera.)
Petrie: Me no see what Cera problem is with Littlefoot. There good reason no one but Cera dislike him. Littlefoot great leader! Me look up to Littlefoot! Me idolize him. You might say me worship him, if not saying too much. He everything me wish could be.
(Cut to: Mo, from the ninth movie, facing the camera.)
Mo: Littlefoot and Mo are sort of friends. Mo know Littlefoot from a while back, but not as long as Chomper.
(Cut back to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: I'll tell you a teensy-weensy little secret. My father might appear in the tenth movie...that isn't for certain yet, but we're having the director work it out, and he'll see what he can do.
(Fade to black.) (Fade in to: black screen, with a bold white caption: CERA)
(Cut to: Cera, facing the camera.)
Cera: Yes, my turn to shine in this documentary! Well, I play what I am...fearless, adventurous, and no-nonsense.
Martial Arts Master's voice: You're afraid of storms, though, aren't you? I mean, as a baby you ran to your parents in the first movie when storms came, and in the fifth movie you mention in a song how your father would comfort you when storms came.
Cera: (hotly) Okay, so I'm afraid of storms! Big deal! (normal voice) Anyway, I really, really think I should be the star of the movies. I mean, don't you think it's about time? I'm only a secondary character, with a secondary character's salary! Argh!
(Cut to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: Cera's a bit of a prima donna, and always has been. She's never forgiven me for having been given the starring role instead of her in the first movie, and we've been rivals ever since. That's why the director gave Cera that line about my mother in the first movie.
(Cut to: footage of the first movie, in which Cera calls Littlefoot's mother a stupid longneck, and then they fight, with Cera winning.)
Littlefoot: Personally, I don't know why they had Cera win that fight. She insulted my dead mother, for crying out loud! In a kids' movie there's supposed to be some justice!
(Cut to: Ducky, facing the camera.)
Ducky: Cera is not a bad dinosaur. She is not, she is not. She is just lonely and misunderstood. She does not know how to act around friends, so she acts very tough. I wish I could show her that, except maybe for Littlefoot, we do not really dislike her, and that in fact, all we want is for her to be our friend.
(Cut to: Petrie, facing the camera.)
Petrie: Sometimes Cera friendly, sometimes she scare me. She bit of...what expression? Oh, "loose cannon". She do show kindness sometime, and she still friend, through thick and thin.
(Cut to: Cera's father, facing the camera.)
Cera's father: Nobody understand threehorn pride. We threehorns are a proud race. We do not show weakness in public. We also answer to no one. That is why I am at odds with the long neck constantly, for example.
(Cut to: Littlefoot's grandfather, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot's grandfather: Cera's father is very stubborn. I find it difficult to work with him sometimes.
(Cut to: footage of Littlefoot's grandfather and Cera's father arguing throughout the nine movies.) (Cut back to: Cera's father, facing the camera.)
Cera's father: All you other races are ignorant of the ways of the threehorn. As I said before, we threehorns are a proud race. We make it our business to be the "tough guys", or girls, of the dinosaur world.
(Cut to: footage of Cera's father singing the "Tough" song from the third movie.)
(Cut back to: Cera's father.)
Cera's father: That's why my daughter and I behave the way we do. We're not mean. Far from it. We're just behaving like threehorns should. If all you other races weren't ignorant of the ways of the threehorn, you'd understand that.
(Cut to: Cera, facing the camera.)
Cera: About my nieces, Dinah and Dana...well, the reason they exist is because I have a really, really old sister, if you know what I mean. They can't be here right now, because they're currently being lectured about playing around with the cameras. They cause trouble sometimes, but they are my nieces, after all, and blood is thicker than water.
(Fade to black.) (Fade in to: black screen, with a bold white caption: DUCKY)
(Cut to: Ducky, facing the camera.)
Ducky: Well, it appears we have finally gotten to me. (giggles) I do not know what to say, no, no, no. Well...I suppose I got started in the movie business by default when I tried out for the role of the young duckbill in the very first Land Before Time movie. Every other duckbill they tried had some problem or other. One was arrogant, another had cancer, another was a bad actor, another was injured on the set...I was the only one without any problems, yup, yup, yup.
(Cut to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: Ah, Ducky...Ducky's just one of those people you just can't help but like. It's mainly because she's nice, almost to a fault. If the studio ever needs to make a pay cut to make ends meet, you can be sure Ducky's the one who will volunteer. Ducky always helps out anyone who has trouble learning their lines, she comforts those who feel upset, and she donates some of her own paycheck to various charities, even making public appearances at those charities. She even doubles as an errand girl when some gopher or other is absent. Really, we don't know what we'd do without her. However, she has a lot of trouble standing up for herself when she needs to. Let me give you one example. If you watch the eighth movie, you'll notice that at one point, Cera sings a song to Ducky about what to do when she gets mad.
(Cut to: footage of that very song from the eighth movie, in which Cera basically tells Ducky to scream, stomp, hold her breath until her face turns blue, scream "NO!" and "GRRRR!", and just basically other steps of throwing a temper tantrum when Ducky gets mad.)
Littlefoot: Yeah, I'm sure you remember that song. But there's a discrepancy. Watch this footage from later in the eighth movie.
(Cut to: footage of the moment in the eighth movie where Ducky says she is not happy to see Cera because Cera told her to get mad at Spike, which caused Spike to run away, and Cera says she merely told Ducky to express her feelings. Ducky then goes along with that explanation, and she apologizes for getting mad at Cera.)
(Cut back to: Littlefoot.)
Littlefoot: Do you see the discrepancy? Cera claims she merely told Ducky to express her feelings in that movie, but what actually happened was, in a song, Cera told Ducky to throw a temper tantrum! Wanna know why that discrepancy is there? It's actually because of Cera the actress. You see, in the original script, (Author's Note: I'm completely making this up.) when Ducky accuses Cera of telling her to be mad at Spike, Cera is about to protest, but then freezes, remembering the song she sang to Ducky about screaming, stomping, and other things when she gets mad. That's when Cera admits that maybe it is her fault that Ducky got mad at Spike. Then, Cera apologizes for that song. Ducky good-naturedly forgives her, and then Ducky was supposed to apologize for getting mad at Cera right then, since that was just as wrong. But Cera in real life didn't like that part of the script. Remember how I told you Cera was a prima donna? Well, she hated having to apologize for everything, so she begged and begged the writer to change the scene until the writer eventually changed the scene, making Cera say that she only told Ducky to express her feelings and just generally shifting all the blame to Ducky. And Ducky went along with it because she told us, "Whatever the writer says is his own artistic vision, and I must not interfere with that, no, no, no." Cera completely took advantage of Ducky, and Ducky never stood up for herself! No offense, but Ducky can be a doormat sometimes. There were lots of little incidents like that with people other than Cera taking advantage of Ducky, and Ducky never complained because she's so unbelievably nice that she's a pushover. I like her anyway, but I just thought I'd mention it.
Martial Arts Master's voice: Mention it? You rambled on about that one incident for about 5 minutes! That's not what I'd call "mentioning" something.
Littlefoot: (laughs sheepishly) Sorry. Really, though, Ducky's great. She just badly needs lessons in standing up for herself.
(Cut to: Cera, facing the camera.)
Cera: Well, Ducky doesn't make me as mad as Littlefoot does, but it irritates me that Ducky's a saint. I can't stand people like that. It gets on my nerves. In fact...I'm kinda jealous. Everybody likes Ducky because she's (gritting her teeth) Little Ms. Perfect. And as for me, I'm sure you've heard all sorts of horror stories about me.
Martial Arts Master's voice: (trying not to hurt her feelings) What horror stories?
Cera: (snapping) Don't play dumb! Do you take me for a fool? I know that behind my back, all the time, it's talked about how mean I am. I know that since we're covering Ducky, somebody told you about how I "took advantage of Ducky" with the script in the eighth movie. I know that, to the others, I'm just a mean-spirited threehorn.
Martial Arts Master's voice: (trying to placate her) No, no, no, you've got it all wrong. Ducky told me she considers you her friend, and Petrie told me that he's a little intimidated by you, but he still likes you.
Cera: (challengingly) What about Littlefoot?
Martial Arts Master's voice: Um...uh...um...uh...(laughs nervously)
Cera: I bet he's the one who told you about that script-changing incident. Grrr...(suddenly starts to cry)
Martial Arts Master's voice: (startled) Cera, why are you crying?
Cera: It's...(sniff)...because I can't help the way I am. We threehorns are supposed to act better than everyone else! We're the tough guys of the dinosaur world! Except maybe for the Sharpteeth. (sniff) It's in my nature to act the way I do. I'm sick and tired of being the "bad girl" around the set. All I want is for people to like me...(sniff)...and instead I find myself pushing the others away. I think Ducky only likes me because (disgusted) saints (normal voice) are supposed to like everyone, and Petrie only likes me because he's too intimidated by me not to. I've examined myself, and I'm not proud of the way I act. But every time I try to change the way I am, it's ended in failure, and I emotionally push the others away again, like that guy who's the Quantum Ranger in Power Rangers Time Force. What was his name? Eric or something.
Martial Arts Master's voice: (aside, to the cameraman) Uh, could we move on to someone else before Cera has a total breakdown? I'm glad that I've seen this side of her, it proves that Cera can be emotionally sensitive, deep down inside, but if Cera has a total breakdown I'm going to be really uncomfortable. We were supposed to be covering Ducky anyway.
(Cut to: Petrie, facing the camera.)
Petrie: Ahhhh, Ducky...me and Ducky be friends from time when very small. We look out for each other. Ducky very nice duckbill. In fact, me feel very big during scene where me try to save Ducky from Ichy and Dil in fourth movie.
(Cut to: Footage of the fourth movie, during which Petrie first tries to save Ducky from Ichy, which ends up with Ducky falling into the water unconscious, and then tries to save Ducky from Dil, which ends up in Petrie being roared away.)
(Cut back to: Petrie, facing the camera.)
Petrie: Ducky and I have big friendship. Sometimes me think that if we were same species, we love each other. (laughs) Just kidding.
(Cut back to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: Spike likes Ducky too. I'm assuming you're not interviewing him because he can't talk. Anyway, Ducky and Spike also have a huge friendship thing going on. It's only natural, since they've been cast as brother and sister.
(Cut to: Ducky's mother, facing the camera.)
Ducky's mother: My daughter is an angel. Yes, I know lots of mothers think their children are angels. But my daughter really is one.
(Martial Arts Master can be heard laughing.)
Ducky's mother: I am NOT just saying that because I'm her mother! Really!
(Fade to black.)
(Fade in to: black screen, with bold white caption: PETRIE)
(Cut to: Petrie, facing the camera.)
Petrie: Oh, we got to me! Well, me get started in Land Before Time because me once save director life when warn him that flowerpot almost fall on head, and he owed me favor, so when he look for role as flier, he immediately cast me, and he no regret it. He tell me he glad he owe me favor because me perform part flawlessly.
(Cut to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: Petrie's a great guy, though his manner of speech gets on my nerves. Yeesh, take a grammar lesson, for crying out loud! Anyway, Petrie and I are friends, although not as much as Ducky and Petrie.
(Cut to: Cera, facing the camera.)
Cera: Petrie's one of the few people I get along well with. He's intimidated by me, but he likes me anyway. I like it like that. I never have to worry about Petrie telling me what to do, because he wouldn't dare. Petrie's a heck of a lot nicer than Littlefoot, that's for sure.
(Cut to: Ducky, facing the camera.)
Ducky: I am more friends with Petrie than anyone else on the set, yup, yup, yup. We have been friends since we were only babies. I am glad that we eventually ended up doing nine movies together, and are about to do a tenth. Petrie has not mastered grammar yet, but that does not bother me like it bothers Littlefoot, no, no, no. I actually find it rather endearing, but at the same time will be happy when Petrie finally masters grammar.
(Cut to: Petrie's mother, facing the camera.)
Petrie's mother: The reason Petrie has not mastered grammar yet is because, unlike the others, Petrie hasn't really gotten a chance to educate himself on the set. That is because he's rather anal about learning his lines. This is something the others don't realize, but instead of educating himself, Petrie is worried that he'll forget his lines, so he simply locks himself in his room and recites his lines over and over and over and over and over and over again.
(Cut to: Petrie's Uncle Pterano, facing the camera.)
Pterano: I couldn't be prouder of my little nephew. He is unique in his own little way. Plus, the fact that he looks up to me doesn't hurt.
(Fade to black.)
(Fade in to: black screen with bold white caption: SPIKE)
(Cut to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: Spike's okay, but it really bugs me that he can't talk. He's younger than the rest of us, though, so I guess it's okay.
(Cut to: Cera, facing the camera.)
Cera: Now Spike, I get along with the best. Spike can't talk, and he's good-natured, so he never criticizes me like Littlefoot does. Plus, since he's younger than the rest of us, he's rather dumb, so I can trick him into doing almost anything I want. (laughs)
(Cut to: Ducky, facing the camera.)
Ducky: I have a friendship with Spike. We have a mutual understanding. That's why we were cast as brother and sister in the movies, yup, yup, yup. Well, adopted brother and sister, anyway. I do not really mind that he cannot talk. By the way, you may be wondering why he yelled my name in the fourth movie if he cannot talk.
(Cut to: footage of the moment where Dil flips Ducky up into the air, and Spike screams out Ducky's name, causing her to wake up and save herself in the nick of time by grabbing onto a tree branch.)
Ducky: What we actually did was have Spike make the correct mouth movements, and then dub a voice in over it. It actually worked rather well.
(Cut to: Petrie, facing the camera.)
Petrie: Spike...well...we get along somewhat, but he constantly eat my treestars in addition to his own! He too greedy and too big of a glutton! Somebody need to teach him manners!
(Cut to: Ozzy and Strut, facing the camera.)
Ozzy: We're actually very grateful for Spike's existence, because it's really because of him that we got to be the villains in the second movie.
Strut: What happened was this: The director couldn't find anyone willing to play the part of the villains in the second movie, except us. But he thought we were fools, so he wasn't willing to hire us, until Spike gave him a pleading look, and the director finally relented and hired us. The same thing happened with Rinkus and Sierra, although they can't be interviewed because they've been in an accident.
(End Interview segments. We cut back to Martial Arts Master, in the studio.)
Martial Arts Master: By the way, where exactly are Hyp, Nod, and Mutt?
(The characters all look down in sadness.)
Littlefoot: Remember that accident that Rinkus and Sierra were stuck in? Well, what happened was that a heavy crate fell from a crane that was lifting it. Rinkus and Sierra were partially under it, and their wings are broken.
Ducky: (starting to cry) But Hyp, Nod, and Mutt were fully under it. They're now dead...it's such a shame...
(Martial Arts Master looks guilty for asking.)
Martial Arts Master: Well, now that I've screwed up and made things awkward, I think it's time for me to go. Bye!
(Martial Arts Master rushes out of the studio.)
Martial Arts Master: (as he's running) Well, friends, it's time for this documentary to end! I hope you enjoyed it!
(Fade to black.)
***
The End
***
E-mail all questions and comments to bleifer@comcast.net.
by Martial Arts Master
All Land Before Time characters copyrighted by Universal Studios and Universal Cartoon Studios. I made up everyone else. I got this idea because I recently remembered the R2-D2 "mockumentary", or fake documentary, that was aired a while back on a channel I can't remember. I also got this idea because there was a Digimon fanfic dealing with what would happen if the Digimon characters were all actors. So I thought, "What if the Land Before Time characters were actors, as opposed to cartoons given voices?" I then thought that I should expand on this possibility, and create a fake documentary. So, let's get on with it already.
***
(Fade in. We see a boy in martial arts gear sitting in a chair, playing video games. He turns and notices the camera. He turns the games off and climbs out of the couch, standing up straight.)
Boy: Oh, hello. I'm Martial Arts Master. If you're here, you're probably big fans of the Land Before Time series of video tapes. Now, those particular fans typically fall into one of two categories.
(Martial Arts Master clears his throat.)
Martial Arts Master: The first type of fan likes only the original Land Before Time movie, the one that Don Bluth had a hand in. This type of fan believes that the sequels, to put it bluntly, suck. Well, I respect that type of fan's opinion.
(Martial Arts Master gives a thumbs-up.)
Martial Arts Master: The second type of fan likes all of the Land Before Time movies, original and sequels included. This type of fan typically has watched all nine Land Before Time movies. I am this type of fan, and I own all nine Land Before Time movies! Boo-yah!
(Martial Arts Master clears his throat again.)
Martial Arts Master: Now, we all know that the characters we cherish are just pen and ink with voices added in. But what if they weren't? Allow me to take you to an alternate universe...a universe where the characters we all know and love are actors that can be visited like any other actors. Follow me, my faithful friends...
(Martial Arts Master leaves the house.)
(Cut to: Martial Arts Master taking a studio bus. He looks at the camera again.)
Martial Arts Master: Don't ask me how I'm going to be able to access the studio. If I told you that, I'd probably have to kill you.
(Martial Arts Master laughs.)
Martial Arts Master: Relax, I'm just kidding.
(Martial Arts Master looks out the window.)
Martial Arts Master: Ah, here we are now!
(Martial Arts Master gets off the studio bus. He looks around and notices two male security guards blocking his way.)
Security Guard #1: I'm sorry sir, but you need clearance to access the studio.
Security Guard #2: Please show us your clearance.
(Martial Arts Master holds up a piece of paper.)
Security Guard #1: Okay, you can go in.
(Martial Arts Master smirks and walks past them.)
Martial Arts Master: Once again, do not ask me how I'm able to gain this access. It's top secret.
(Martial Arts Master walks into one of the studios. He notices the characters gathered around.)
Martial Arts Master: It's...showtime. By the way, I'm only interviewing the characters separately, so there will always be only one character in the room with me at the time. That way they can talk freely about each other without each other finding out.
(Fade to black.)
(Fade in: black screen, with large white caption: SHARPTEETH)
(Fade in to: the sharptooth from the first movie.)
Sharptooth: Well, we sharpteeth are always portrayed as villains in the movies. After all, we can be pretty intimidating. But I think that's very biased, because we sharpteeth have to eat meat to survive! Have you ever actually tried those leaves? They taste awful! How can leaf-eaters stand it?
Martial Arts Master's voice: What about Chomper and his family in the second and fifth movies?
Sharptooth: That's so typical. Why does a sharptooth have to be cute in order to be lovable? If you ask me, the only lovable sharpteeth in those movies were Chomper's parents. They were ferocious and loving.
Martial Arts Master's voice: Are you sure you're not just jealous of Chomper? You in particular only made an appearance in the very first movie, while Chomper's been in two movies.
Sharptooth: Me? Jealous of that little runt? Of course not! Everyone who's anyone knows that I'm the most ferocious sharptooth in all of the nine movies! I lasted a whole film before the scene where the brats dropped a boulder on me and left me to drown. I even kill off a character, Littlefoot's mother!
(Cut to: footage of the same scene that the Sharptooth is talking about. We see the battle from the first movie that Littlefoot's mother has with the Sharptooth, we see her getting chomped, and then winning the battle just barely, and it goes on to the death scene.)
(Cut back to: the Sharptooth from that same movie.)
Sharptooth: You see that? I actually kill off a character! No other Sharptooth in any of the movies does that! And yet, the studio only gives me exactly the same amount of money as the other large Sharpteeth! I deserve more! I'm the best! Why can't anyone realize it?!
Martial Arts Master's voice: (whispering to the camera) Someone's been visited by the green-eyed monster of jealousy...
(Cut to: Chomper, the baby dinosaur from the second and fifth movies.)
Martial Arts Master's voice: Hey Chomper, glad to have you here.
Chomper: It's great to be here! (grins)
Martial Arts Master's voice: So, tell us a little bit about your work.
Chomper: All right. As you know, I don't show up until the second movie, where I get stolen by egg-eaters as an egg and then hatch.
(Cut to: footage of the scene in the movie where Chomper hatches out of the egg. We go on to see how everyone runs from Chomper initially.)
Chomper: (ruefully) The director wouldn't let me say anything in that movie, though. He says it's because I'm supposed to be a baby, and babies can't talk. (jokingly) Maybe he just didn't want to pay me more for speaking lines.
(We hear Martial Arts Master laughing.)
Chomper: Beeing serious, though, ever wonder why Littlefoot was the first one to trust me and became my surrogate parent? The director wrote the scene like that because Littlefoot and I work well together. We've been pals since before we got into the movie business.
(Cut to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: Yeah, Chomper's my friend. We kid around sometimes on the set. Personally I think he's the only good sharptooth on the set, other than his parents. The other ones just scare me, but Chomper's cool.
(Cut to: Cera, facing the camera.)
Cera: Chomper and I are...usually at odds. It's fitting that I was cast in the fifth movie as the character who doesn't trust Chomper.
(Cut to: Footage of Cera hurting Chomper's feelings in the fifth movie, causing him to go off in tears. Littlefoot snaps at her that she hurt his feelings, and she says that Chomper doesn't have feelings; he's a sharptooth.)
Cera: I think it all started when we were doing that scene in the second movie where we sang the song about Chomper being "one of us" now.
(Cut to: footage of the end of the song, where Chomper bites Cera's tail.)
Cera: Chomper was only supposed to pretend to bite my tail when we were shooting that scene, but he bit it for real! And the cameras kept rolling, so I had to go along with the scene and not tell anyone my tail really was hurt until after we were done shooting for the day. Chomper says he did it by accident, but I think he did it on purpose.
(Cut back to: Chomper, facing the camera.)
Martial Arts Master's voice: So, in my solo interview with Cera she talked about the biting tail incident. Care to elaborate?
Chomper: (frustrated) It was an ACCIDENT! I suppose Cera forgot to mention that I told her that my jaw hinge was a little loose that day. Luckily, Cera's the only one who thinks I did it on purpose.
(Cut to: Petrie, facing the camera.)
Petrie: (speaking with his usual horrendous grammar) Chomper's a great guy. He no grumble about being in only two movies. He very good sport about it. Me not as good friend with him as Littlefoot, but to memory we never fight.
(Cut to: Ducky, facing the camera.)
Ducky: I like Chomper, I do, I do. He is a cutie, yup, yup, yup. Plus he has always been nice to me. I wish Cera could learn from his example...
(Cut to: Chomper's parents, facing the camera.)
Chomper's father: Chomper, my mate and I were very excited about being cast in movies. I've never acted before, but it turned out I was a natural, and so was Chomper.
Chomper's mother: I needed a little more help, but I managed to get through it. And as to Chomper, we're very proud of him.
(Cut to: the pack of velociraptor sharpteeth from the third movie, facing the camera.)
Lead sharptooth: I was wondering when it was our turn! I was very pleased when we were selected to be villains in the third movie. People are very racist about sharpteeth. They think they're all big lumbering giants. I think we really broadened our viewers' horizons. There are many different types of sharpteeth, if you bother to look them up.
(Cut to: Different pieces of footage from the sharpteeth attacking in the third movie.)
(Cut to: the swimming sharptooth from the ninth movie.)
Swimming Sharptooth: The ninth movie was my chance to shine, and I must say I performed the part flawlessly. I hate the fact that everybody thinks sharpteeth only walked on land. I'm glad to say I changed many perceptions for the cast members.
(Cut to: Ichy and Dil from the fourth movie, facing the camera.)
Ichy: I wish I'd gotten more roles than just the fourth movie. And the one I had, I had to argue with Dil all the time!
Dil: Yeah, that ticked us off, because Dil and I are great friends in real life. He helps me when I can't see so good, and I help him when he can't hunt so good. We work together in that respect better in real life than in the fourth movie.
(Fade to black.) (Fade in: black screen, with a white caption in bold letters: LITTLEFOOT)
(Cut to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Martial Arts Master: Littlefoot, how do you feel about your role as leader of your little group?
Littlefoot: (enthusiastically) I'm having a great time. Cera, Ducky, Petrie, Spike, and I are getting to be like one big happy family. We've been in nine movies so far. The best part is they didn't make my character too perfect. I'm a realistic dinosaur, with realistic feelings. Like the time they shot the scene where my mother died, and I was next shown crying and then lonely and depressed over it.
(Cut to: footage of the scene in the first movie where Littlefoot's mother dies, and then scenes of Littlefoot's subsequent depression. We even see the scene where Littlefoot mistakes his own shadow for his mother.)
(Cut back to: Littlefoot.)
Littlefoot: (laughs) Thank goodness my mother didn't actually die. I see her around sometimes on the set, but since they killed her off she can't star in any other movies. Now she's the one who lifts the camera in the air when they need to shoot aerial scenes.
(Cut to: Littlefoot's mother, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot's mother: I don't really regret being killed off so early. My son's a better actor than I am, and I think they realized that. Littlefoot needed his chance to shine, not me.
(Cut back to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: Then there's my grandparents. There's a reason they were cast as my advisors in the movies.
(Cut to: a huge amount of footage of Littlefoot's grandparents giving Littlefoot advice throughout all the movies.)
(Cut to: Littlefoot's grandparents, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot's grandma: I like my role. I don't really do well under the pressure of having a lot of lines, so I'm comfortable with the minor role I'm assigned with. It gives me more time to spend quality time alone with my mate.
Littlefoot's grandpa: I think my lucky break came when I got to have a much larger role in the fourth movie: the part of the character everyone needs to save.
(Cut to: footage of Littlefoot's grandfather, sick, in various scenes in the fourth movie.)
(Cut back to: Littlefoot's grandparents.)
Littlefoot's grandfather: I really couldn't be prouder of my grandson. He has so much acting potential! And he's the nicest grandson you could ask for.
(Cut to: Ali, from the fourth movie, facing the camera.)
Ali: Littlefoot? Well, there's a reason I was cast as trying to gain his attention all throughout the fourth movie. The director knows this and that's why he made that decision, but I haven't told anyone else besides him, so please don't tell anyone what I'm about to say, but I have a teensy-weensy crush on Littlefoot. You have to admit he's cute...and he's nice...and he's a great leader...oh dear, I'm rambling.
(Cut back to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: I'm glad they put Ali in the fourth movie. She was nice. We worked well together. The only thing that really bothers me is that in the fourth movie, the writer made the narrator say at the end that we'd meet Ali again, but that it was another story. But the writer keeps procrastinating about putting Ali in another movie because he has so many other ideas! I mean come on! Did the writer think the fans wouldn't notice?!
(Cut to: Doc, from the sixth movie.)
Doc: I guess Littlefoot's okay. Sometimes he's too impulsive, though.
(Cut to: Cera, facing the camera.)
Cera: Well, about Littlefoot, I think he's a stuffed shirt, as the expression goes. I really don't think there's any reason why he should get to be the leader in all the movies and not me. I mean, I have much better leadership skills than he does! I should be the star of the movies! ME! (clears throat) Ali, however, I do get along with. In the movie, I don't trust Ali at first...
(Cut to: footage of Cera in the fourth movie not trusting Ali at first, and then footage of Ali saving her life and thus making them friends.)
Cera: In real life, unlike the movie, we've always been friends. We first met when I first got on the movie set for my first movie and Ali was an errand girl, not yet having been given a role.
(Cut to: Ducky, facing the camera.)
Ducky: I think Littlefoot is great in the role of leader, because he has great leadership skills in real life, yup, yup, yup. He is always solving problems one way or another. He and I work well together. Spike can't talk, but he likes Littlefoot too.
(Cut to: Petrie, facing the camera.)
Petrie: Me no see what Cera problem is with Littlefoot. There good reason no one but Cera dislike him. Littlefoot great leader! Me look up to Littlefoot! Me idolize him. You might say me worship him, if not saying too much. He everything me wish could be.
(Cut to: Mo, from the ninth movie, facing the camera.)
Mo: Littlefoot and Mo are sort of friends. Mo know Littlefoot from a while back, but not as long as Chomper.
(Cut back to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: I'll tell you a teensy-weensy little secret. My father might appear in the tenth movie...that isn't for certain yet, but we're having the director work it out, and he'll see what he can do.
(Fade to black.) (Fade in to: black screen, with a bold white caption: CERA)
(Cut to: Cera, facing the camera.)
Cera: Yes, my turn to shine in this documentary! Well, I play what I am...fearless, adventurous, and no-nonsense.
Martial Arts Master's voice: You're afraid of storms, though, aren't you? I mean, as a baby you ran to your parents in the first movie when storms came, and in the fifth movie you mention in a song how your father would comfort you when storms came.
Cera: (hotly) Okay, so I'm afraid of storms! Big deal! (normal voice) Anyway, I really, really think I should be the star of the movies. I mean, don't you think it's about time? I'm only a secondary character, with a secondary character's salary! Argh!
(Cut to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: Cera's a bit of a prima donna, and always has been. She's never forgiven me for having been given the starring role instead of her in the first movie, and we've been rivals ever since. That's why the director gave Cera that line about my mother in the first movie.
(Cut to: footage of the first movie, in which Cera calls Littlefoot's mother a stupid longneck, and then they fight, with Cera winning.)
Littlefoot: Personally, I don't know why they had Cera win that fight. She insulted my dead mother, for crying out loud! In a kids' movie there's supposed to be some justice!
(Cut to: Ducky, facing the camera.)
Ducky: Cera is not a bad dinosaur. She is not, she is not. She is just lonely and misunderstood. She does not know how to act around friends, so she acts very tough. I wish I could show her that, except maybe for Littlefoot, we do not really dislike her, and that in fact, all we want is for her to be our friend.
(Cut to: Petrie, facing the camera.)
Petrie: Sometimes Cera friendly, sometimes she scare me. She bit of...what expression? Oh, "loose cannon". She do show kindness sometime, and she still friend, through thick and thin.
(Cut to: Cera's father, facing the camera.)
Cera's father: Nobody understand threehorn pride. We threehorns are a proud race. We do not show weakness in public. We also answer to no one. That is why I am at odds with the long neck constantly, for example.
(Cut to: Littlefoot's grandfather, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot's grandfather: Cera's father is very stubborn. I find it difficult to work with him sometimes.
(Cut to: footage of Littlefoot's grandfather and Cera's father arguing throughout the nine movies.) (Cut back to: Cera's father, facing the camera.)
Cera's father: All you other races are ignorant of the ways of the threehorn. As I said before, we threehorns are a proud race. We make it our business to be the "tough guys", or girls, of the dinosaur world.
(Cut to: footage of Cera's father singing the "Tough" song from the third movie.)
(Cut back to: Cera's father.)
Cera's father: That's why my daughter and I behave the way we do. We're not mean. Far from it. We're just behaving like threehorns should. If all you other races weren't ignorant of the ways of the threehorn, you'd understand that.
(Cut to: Cera, facing the camera.)
Cera: About my nieces, Dinah and Dana...well, the reason they exist is because I have a really, really old sister, if you know what I mean. They can't be here right now, because they're currently being lectured about playing around with the cameras. They cause trouble sometimes, but they are my nieces, after all, and blood is thicker than water.
(Fade to black.) (Fade in to: black screen, with a bold white caption: DUCKY)
(Cut to: Ducky, facing the camera.)
Ducky: Well, it appears we have finally gotten to me. (giggles) I do not know what to say, no, no, no. Well...I suppose I got started in the movie business by default when I tried out for the role of the young duckbill in the very first Land Before Time movie. Every other duckbill they tried had some problem or other. One was arrogant, another had cancer, another was a bad actor, another was injured on the set...I was the only one without any problems, yup, yup, yup.
(Cut to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: Ah, Ducky...Ducky's just one of those people you just can't help but like. It's mainly because she's nice, almost to a fault. If the studio ever needs to make a pay cut to make ends meet, you can be sure Ducky's the one who will volunteer. Ducky always helps out anyone who has trouble learning their lines, she comforts those who feel upset, and she donates some of her own paycheck to various charities, even making public appearances at those charities. She even doubles as an errand girl when some gopher or other is absent. Really, we don't know what we'd do without her. However, she has a lot of trouble standing up for herself when she needs to. Let me give you one example. If you watch the eighth movie, you'll notice that at one point, Cera sings a song to Ducky about what to do when she gets mad.
(Cut to: footage of that very song from the eighth movie, in which Cera basically tells Ducky to scream, stomp, hold her breath until her face turns blue, scream "NO!" and "GRRRR!", and just basically other steps of throwing a temper tantrum when Ducky gets mad.)
Littlefoot: Yeah, I'm sure you remember that song. But there's a discrepancy. Watch this footage from later in the eighth movie.
(Cut to: footage of the moment in the eighth movie where Ducky says she is not happy to see Cera because Cera told her to get mad at Spike, which caused Spike to run away, and Cera says she merely told Ducky to express her feelings. Ducky then goes along with that explanation, and she apologizes for getting mad at Cera.)
(Cut back to: Littlefoot.)
Littlefoot: Do you see the discrepancy? Cera claims she merely told Ducky to express her feelings in that movie, but what actually happened was, in a song, Cera told Ducky to throw a temper tantrum! Wanna know why that discrepancy is there? It's actually because of Cera the actress. You see, in the original script, (Author's Note: I'm completely making this up.) when Ducky accuses Cera of telling her to be mad at Spike, Cera is about to protest, but then freezes, remembering the song she sang to Ducky about screaming, stomping, and other things when she gets mad. That's when Cera admits that maybe it is her fault that Ducky got mad at Spike. Then, Cera apologizes for that song. Ducky good-naturedly forgives her, and then Ducky was supposed to apologize for getting mad at Cera right then, since that was just as wrong. But Cera in real life didn't like that part of the script. Remember how I told you Cera was a prima donna? Well, she hated having to apologize for everything, so she begged and begged the writer to change the scene until the writer eventually changed the scene, making Cera say that she only told Ducky to express her feelings and just generally shifting all the blame to Ducky. And Ducky went along with it because she told us, "Whatever the writer says is his own artistic vision, and I must not interfere with that, no, no, no." Cera completely took advantage of Ducky, and Ducky never stood up for herself! No offense, but Ducky can be a doormat sometimes. There were lots of little incidents like that with people other than Cera taking advantage of Ducky, and Ducky never complained because she's so unbelievably nice that she's a pushover. I like her anyway, but I just thought I'd mention it.
Martial Arts Master's voice: Mention it? You rambled on about that one incident for about 5 minutes! That's not what I'd call "mentioning" something.
Littlefoot: (laughs sheepishly) Sorry. Really, though, Ducky's great. She just badly needs lessons in standing up for herself.
(Cut to: Cera, facing the camera.)
Cera: Well, Ducky doesn't make me as mad as Littlefoot does, but it irritates me that Ducky's a saint. I can't stand people like that. It gets on my nerves. In fact...I'm kinda jealous. Everybody likes Ducky because she's (gritting her teeth) Little Ms. Perfect. And as for me, I'm sure you've heard all sorts of horror stories about me.
Martial Arts Master's voice: (trying not to hurt her feelings) What horror stories?
Cera: (snapping) Don't play dumb! Do you take me for a fool? I know that behind my back, all the time, it's talked about how mean I am. I know that since we're covering Ducky, somebody told you about how I "took advantage of Ducky" with the script in the eighth movie. I know that, to the others, I'm just a mean-spirited threehorn.
Martial Arts Master's voice: (trying to placate her) No, no, no, you've got it all wrong. Ducky told me she considers you her friend, and Petrie told me that he's a little intimidated by you, but he still likes you.
Cera: (challengingly) What about Littlefoot?
Martial Arts Master's voice: Um...uh...um...uh...(laughs nervously)
Cera: I bet he's the one who told you about that script-changing incident. Grrr...(suddenly starts to cry)
Martial Arts Master's voice: (startled) Cera, why are you crying?
Cera: It's...(sniff)...because I can't help the way I am. We threehorns are supposed to act better than everyone else! We're the tough guys of the dinosaur world! Except maybe for the Sharpteeth. (sniff) It's in my nature to act the way I do. I'm sick and tired of being the "bad girl" around the set. All I want is for people to like me...(sniff)...and instead I find myself pushing the others away. I think Ducky only likes me because (disgusted) saints (normal voice) are supposed to like everyone, and Petrie only likes me because he's too intimidated by me not to. I've examined myself, and I'm not proud of the way I act. But every time I try to change the way I am, it's ended in failure, and I emotionally push the others away again, like that guy who's the Quantum Ranger in Power Rangers Time Force. What was his name? Eric or something.
Martial Arts Master's voice: (aside, to the cameraman) Uh, could we move on to someone else before Cera has a total breakdown? I'm glad that I've seen this side of her, it proves that Cera can be emotionally sensitive, deep down inside, but if Cera has a total breakdown I'm going to be really uncomfortable. We were supposed to be covering Ducky anyway.
(Cut to: Petrie, facing the camera.)
Petrie: Ahhhh, Ducky...me and Ducky be friends from time when very small. We look out for each other. Ducky very nice duckbill. In fact, me feel very big during scene where me try to save Ducky from Ichy and Dil in fourth movie.
(Cut to: Footage of the fourth movie, during which Petrie first tries to save Ducky from Ichy, which ends up with Ducky falling into the water unconscious, and then tries to save Ducky from Dil, which ends up in Petrie being roared away.)
(Cut back to: Petrie, facing the camera.)
Petrie: Ducky and I have big friendship. Sometimes me think that if we were same species, we love each other. (laughs) Just kidding.
(Cut back to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: Spike likes Ducky too. I'm assuming you're not interviewing him because he can't talk. Anyway, Ducky and Spike also have a huge friendship thing going on. It's only natural, since they've been cast as brother and sister.
(Cut to: Ducky's mother, facing the camera.)
Ducky's mother: My daughter is an angel. Yes, I know lots of mothers think their children are angels. But my daughter really is one.
(Martial Arts Master can be heard laughing.)
Ducky's mother: I am NOT just saying that because I'm her mother! Really!
(Fade to black.)
(Fade in to: black screen, with bold white caption: PETRIE)
(Cut to: Petrie, facing the camera.)
Petrie: Oh, we got to me! Well, me get started in Land Before Time because me once save director life when warn him that flowerpot almost fall on head, and he owed me favor, so when he look for role as flier, he immediately cast me, and he no regret it. He tell me he glad he owe me favor because me perform part flawlessly.
(Cut to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: Petrie's a great guy, though his manner of speech gets on my nerves. Yeesh, take a grammar lesson, for crying out loud! Anyway, Petrie and I are friends, although not as much as Ducky and Petrie.
(Cut to: Cera, facing the camera.)
Cera: Petrie's one of the few people I get along well with. He's intimidated by me, but he likes me anyway. I like it like that. I never have to worry about Petrie telling me what to do, because he wouldn't dare. Petrie's a heck of a lot nicer than Littlefoot, that's for sure.
(Cut to: Ducky, facing the camera.)
Ducky: I am more friends with Petrie than anyone else on the set, yup, yup, yup. We have been friends since we were only babies. I am glad that we eventually ended up doing nine movies together, and are about to do a tenth. Petrie has not mastered grammar yet, but that does not bother me like it bothers Littlefoot, no, no, no. I actually find it rather endearing, but at the same time will be happy when Petrie finally masters grammar.
(Cut to: Petrie's mother, facing the camera.)
Petrie's mother: The reason Petrie has not mastered grammar yet is because, unlike the others, Petrie hasn't really gotten a chance to educate himself on the set. That is because he's rather anal about learning his lines. This is something the others don't realize, but instead of educating himself, Petrie is worried that he'll forget his lines, so he simply locks himself in his room and recites his lines over and over and over and over and over and over again.
(Cut to: Petrie's Uncle Pterano, facing the camera.)
Pterano: I couldn't be prouder of my little nephew. He is unique in his own little way. Plus, the fact that he looks up to me doesn't hurt.
(Fade to black.)
(Fade in to: black screen with bold white caption: SPIKE)
(Cut to: Littlefoot, facing the camera.)
Littlefoot: Spike's okay, but it really bugs me that he can't talk. He's younger than the rest of us, though, so I guess it's okay.
(Cut to: Cera, facing the camera.)
Cera: Now Spike, I get along with the best. Spike can't talk, and he's good-natured, so he never criticizes me like Littlefoot does. Plus, since he's younger than the rest of us, he's rather dumb, so I can trick him into doing almost anything I want. (laughs)
(Cut to: Ducky, facing the camera.)
Ducky: I have a friendship with Spike. We have a mutual understanding. That's why we were cast as brother and sister in the movies, yup, yup, yup. Well, adopted brother and sister, anyway. I do not really mind that he cannot talk. By the way, you may be wondering why he yelled my name in the fourth movie if he cannot talk.
(Cut to: footage of the moment where Dil flips Ducky up into the air, and Spike screams out Ducky's name, causing her to wake up and save herself in the nick of time by grabbing onto a tree branch.)
Ducky: What we actually did was have Spike make the correct mouth movements, and then dub a voice in over it. It actually worked rather well.
(Cut to: Petrie, facing the camera.)
Petrie: Spike...well...we get along somewhat, but he constantly eat my treestars in addition to his own! He too greedy and too big of a glutton! Somebody need to teach him manners!
(Cut to: Ozzy and Strut, facing the camera.)
Ozzy: We're actually very grateful for Spike's existence, because it's really because of him that we got to be the villains in the second movie.
Strut: What happened was this: The director couldn't find anyone willing to play the part of the villains in the second movie, except us. But he thought we were fools, so he wasn't willing to hire us, until Spike gave him a pleading look, and the director finally relented and hired us. The same thing happened with Rinkus and Sierra, although they can't be interviewed because they've been in an accident.
(End Interview segments. We cut back to Martial Arts Master, in the studio.)
Martial Arts Master: By the way, where exactly are Hyp, Nod, and Mutt?
(The characters all look down in sadness.)
Littlefoot: Remember that accident that Rinkus and Sierra were stuck in? Well, what happened was that a heavy crate fell from a crane that was lifting it. Rinkus and Sierra were partially under it, and their wings are broken.
Ducky: (starting to cry) But Hyp, Nod, and Mutt were fully under it. They're now dead...it's such a shame...
(Martial Arts Master looks guilty for asking.)
Martial Arts Master: Well, now that I've screwed up and made things awkward, I think it's time for me to go. Bye!
(Martial Arts Master rushes out of the studio.)
Martial Arts Master: (as he's running) Well, friends, it's time for this documentary to end! I hope you enjoyed it!
(Fade to black.)
***
The End
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