The sky had started darkening when Zuko decided that trying to read the petition scroll he was holding was impossible. Cursing under his breath, he shoved it aside and used his hot hands to rub his eyes. For what seemed like the hundredth time of the long day, he let out a worried sigh. He had hardly got any work done that day, as his mind was travelling elsewhere: Mai.
The young knife-thrower was supposed to be at the palace this morning but the sun had now set and there was still no sign of her. After realizing that she wouldn't show up, he'd gone to her house only to have his concern escalated, as her mother told him that—as far as she knew—her daughter was with him. After having searched the palace and the gardens twice, the recently-crowned Fire Lord had ordered a capable team of guards to look in the Fire Nation Capital and they came back empty-handed. "Search again," he had insisted.
Not knowing what else to do, Zuko had returned back to his paperwork, reassuring himself that Mai knew how to protect herself—those knives of hers would fly towards anyone that intended to harm her. She's going to be fine, he thought to himself as he stood up, finding the comfort of his chair unbearably ironic. He, instead, proceeded to pace his office. The tap of his boots coming in contact with the polished floor was the only sound in the room.
It felt like hours had passed when there was a knock on the door, even though it was just minutes. He held his breath. Please, let that be good news. "Come in."
The door opened, revealing a young man dressed in burgundy clothes, probably a servant—Zuko couldn't bring himself to bother. "My Lord, Lady Mai is here."
Zuko let out a huge sigh of relief. "Thank Agni!" He muttered, feeling his heart stop beating. "Where is she? Is she alright?"
The servant nodded. "She's waiting in your chambers, sire."
Without giving it any second thought, the recently-crowned Fire Lord strolled out of the office, hardly acknowledging the fact that he almost knocked the servant over, and ran towards his room. His worry wasn't yet gone and wouldn't be until she was safe in his arms and he could hear her steady heartbeat.
He mentally cursed the fact that he had to walk so much to get to his room—it had never occurred to him before this moment that the location of his suite could prove to be a problem.
Finally reaching his destination, he yanked the double doors open and rushed in, kicking them shut behind him. His room stood in the dark, being occasionally lighted by the moon that managed to peek through the thick layer of the grey clouds. Mai was sitting on the cerise couch that stood just some feet away from Zuko's enormous bed. Even in the scarcity of any ray, her copper eyes gleamed as she looked at him and her pale skin shone as a small smile played at the edge of her lips. Despite his state of worry, Zuko felt once again mesmerized by her beauty. He felt himself smile too as he hurried to where she was sitting.
He leaned in and took her in his arms, enjoying her jasmine scent that enveloped her hair and body. His hands buried themselves in her hair and he pulled her closer as she hummed in his chest "Oh, Mai." He sighed. Realizing his awkward position, he sat next to her without letting go. "I was so worried," He murmured, his soft lips brushing the smoothness of her forehead.
Mai just shrugged, although she felt kind of bad for making him suffer like that. She didn't let herself feel compassionate of him—she had to pass a point across and she had to be firm. "Well, I'm here now, aren't I?"
Zuko didn't answer. Instead, he leaned closer to her face and captured her irresistible lips with his, letting that convince him that she really was fine. Mai moaned softly and—forgetting her aim—wrapped her fingers around his brown locks and tugged gently, pulling him closer. He groaned in delight and cursed the fact that they had to pull away to breathe.
Not being in the influence of his talented mouth anymore, Mai could think more clearly. She shook her head in an attempt to clear her mind and remember her initial goal. Scooting away from him some inches, she collected her thoughts and wondered how she should start.
He made it easy. "Mai, I almost got crazy! I had guards look for you in the whole city! Where have you been?"
Mai shrugged and examined her manicured nails. "Kyoshi Island," she said, her voice indicating that it was no big deal.
Zuko stayed silent for some seconds. She was curious about his reaction, but decided against turning to see his expression—she had to remain indifferent. "Kyoshi Island?"
Mai nodded. "I visited Ty Lee. It'd been a while since I last saw her."
Zuko stood up and started pacing again. "Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, his tone almost accusing.
"So, how come you are free to visit Ba Sing Se and your father without telling me, but I'm not allowed to visit my friend?" There, she said it. Since Suki had informed her about Zuko's secret 'meetings' with the former Fire Lord, Mai had been wondering whether and when Zuko would tell her about it. Several days passed and he never did—the thought had been bugging her.
Zuko's jaw dropped and he blinked several times, wondering if he'd heard right. "Who told you about Ozai?"
Mai sighed with a hint of frustration. "Does it matter? Not you!"
Zuko stayed motionless for a moment, pondering over her words and their meaning. After some seconds, he shook his head in an attempt to snap out of his trance. "Mai, why didn't you tell me about Kyoshi Island?"
"Why didn't you tell me about Ba Sing Se and Ozai?" She shrugged again, but when she spoke her voice was firm and angry—and was that a hint of hurt hidden in there? Had he hurt her unintentionally? Zuko's stomach clenched at the thought.
He huffed. "Because it didn't matter!"
She stood up as well and walked closer to him. Mai was hardly one of those people that got angry, but right now all she wanted was to smack something. "I was worried sick—of course it mattered!"
The young Fire Lord sighed and buried his face in his hands in frustration. The knife-thrower felt somewhat bad for being so angry with him, but was fully aware that they had to straighten things out.
"You never talk to me, Zuko," Mai murmured more calmly, after realizing that he wasn't going to say anything. "Not anymore. When was the last time that we actually sat down and talked, like a normal couple?"
"Ugh!" Zuko groaned, raising his eyes to the ceiling. His Fire Lord duties hardly provided him with any free time. He spent most of the day working in his office or counseling in meetings and he did miss Mai. Sometimes, he just wished it could only be her and him. "Don't start with this, Mai. You know things are being hectic lately."
"I know!" Mai sighed. "But I want to know why! If you're going to leave the palace without telling me, at least I should know why. I think I deserve that much."
Of course you do. Zuko wanted to talk to her. He wanted to tell her everything that had been making his life difficult. He wanted to tell her why he had been visiting his Father, why he had decided to listen to the advice of a man that had previously been willing to burn down the whole world. But he just couldn't—he couldn't admit how weak he was, how the nightmares haunted him every single night, how he felt unworthy and incapable of keeping up with the responsibilities. He shook his head. "This isn't about me, Mai—it's about you!"
Mai rolled her eyes. "It's about us, Zuko. Us! But clearly, there's no 'us' in your life anymore!"
Zuko froze and, for some split seconds, his mouth hung agape. What did she just say? Did she really believe that? Suddenly, his anger floated away and his expression softened. Reaching out, he wrapped his fingers around her smooth wrists. "How can you say that?" He cooed. "You know I'd give up all of this for you!" He looked around, indicating the luxuries of the being the Fire Lord to make his point clear.
Mai closed her eyes and pulled her hands out of his grip gently. She couldn't think clearly when he touched her. "I don't want you to give up anything for me, Zuko. I just want to be a part of your life—I want to know what's happening with your life."
The recently-crowned Fire Lord sighed. "You are my life; isn't that enough?"
Mai stood motionless, bewildered and dumbfounded. Those words were so sweet, spoken with so much fervor that made her froze on the spot. She wanted to say something back, something to assure him that she still loved him. However, her anger hadn't still cooled off. She couldn't afford being soft when she wanted to make her point clear. Regaining her composure, she returned back to her firm stance. "Look, Zuko," She began softly. "There are two options; let me in or push me out. And let me give you a hint: you are inclining towards the latter."
Zuko pinched the bridge of his nose. "What do you want from me?"
"Are you going to talk to me?" Mai asked, getting tired and impatient.
When all of this started, she was just worried about him. She wanted him to know that she was there to support him and knew that he'd talk whenever he felt ready to. But he never did. He never accepted her support and that had her wondering; what was her part in this? If she couldn't help him out, what was the point of her being there? Did he not trust her enough? Did he not know that she was concerned about him? What was her part in his life?
Zuko pondered over her question. Did he want to talk to her? Yes—a lot. Would she understand? Yes. Did he want to admit that he was weak? No. "I'm sorry, Mai, but no."
Mai's face stayed expressionless, even though his words made her heart shutter in pieces. Why? Why doesn't he trust me in this? Composing her ragged breathing, she nodded. "Then I can't continue like this."
Zuko took a step closer, his brow knitted in worry and fear. He gulped. "What—what do you mean?"
Mai shook her head and took a step back. As much as it'd hurt her to do this, she knew that she didn't have a choice. Taking a deep breath, she moved away from him. "Goodbye, Zuko."
The young Fire Lord shook his head. "Mai, wait." He reached for her, but she was already out of the door.
Five days passed.
The first night was hard. It was one of the few times that Zuko didn't have to go to meetings, being free to make up for the sleep he had been missing. But he couldn't bring himself to go to bed. The red sheets seemed cold and unappealing. Instead, he decided to take a walk in the gardens. It proved to be the wrong choice—every single spot brought back a pleasant memory with her; the small pond with the tiny turtle-ducks where she had smiled at him for the first time; the apple tree where she'd usually sit and blush upon seeing him; the fountain where she had got so angry with Azula and Ty Lee that had vowed not to ever come back, much to her mother's disapproval who forced her otherwise.
He tried to choke back the tears for as long as he could, but the memories overwhelmed him. Shaking his head, he sunk down on the humid grass and let them fall.
Mai's room was comforting—it provided sanctuary from stress. It was the only place she could escape. It was the place where the mask fell on the ground, shuttering in small pieces. It was the place she could let go without being held back by the necessity of keeping on a facade. It was her place.
The young knife-thrower could count the times she had cried on one hand. First, when he left; when his father was heartless enough to banish his own son because of a small slip. She'd thought she was strong enough to take it, but in the end, she wasn't the one that won that fight. Second, when he came back. She didn't know if he'd noticed, but upon seeing him after three long years, her tears ran down her cheeks freely before she had time to hold them back. Third, when he left again, leaving nothing but a stupid letter behind, almost tearing her soul apart. And now she had a new addition to her list, as she collapsed on her garnet-colored bed, staining the pillow with salty liquid.
She made a mental note to stop those breakdowns; otherwise she'd soon need her other hand to count.
Somewhere between her sobs, she thought she heard her mother knock on the door, mumbling something about arriving guests. Mai remembered shouting something back, but she couldn't remember what.
Both Mai and Zuko thought that as days passed, they'd feel better. But they were both proved wrong. With each passing second, the pain seemed to get sharper and sharper to the point that they felt hollow. Both of them knew the feeling, as they had been separated a fair amount of times in the past. Knowing, however, that things could have turned out differently this time made them angrier than ever.
It was the first time in a good while that Zuko was grateful for the excessive amount of work he had to do. It kept his mind off the things that burdened his soul with the outmost sheer pain—pain that, when Zuko didn't push it away, tore his insides in shreds.
It kept his mind off Mai.
But the plan kept forming in the back of his head; maybe in his subconscious. While he worked, while he conversed with gracious leaders, while he signed scrolls; the thought was there: he would set things right.
Zuko had trouble concentrating. He was often caught by his advisors to be starring absently at something, without really seeing anything.
"Our options are limited," Zhen—Zuko's most trustful advisor—explained. "The city of Xu Yen has to be compensated. We shall accomplish this by either supporting their Trade Market or by levying heavier taxes on our people and providing the income to the Earth Kingdom city. Both of them have their disadvantages, of course, but I'm quite sure that you already know that, sire." Zhen smiled briefly at the Fire Lord, trying to determine whether he was paying any attention to his words. "It's up to you to decide, my Lord."
Six heads turned to look towards Zuko's direction, eagerly waiting for his answer. The young fire-bender, however, was unaware of that.
Zhen cleared his throat and shot an apologetic look towards the rest politicians. "My Lord?"
Zuko's head snapped up. "Hmm?"
Zhen pursed his lips, forcing a meaningful smile. "Xu Yen? Compensating?"
"Oh! Oh, yeah. Um… Trade Market. We have to care for our people, as well, and they can't afford more taxes."
Zhen nodded, eyeing the younger boy with concern. "As you wish, my Lord."
Mai didn't have much luck on concentrating either. While having breakfast with her family, her mother would go on about things she didn't even bother to hear. The young knife-thrower would occasionally answer with 'hmm's and 'aha's, just to save herself from her mother's disapproving glares.
It was the fifth night when the recently-crowned Fire Lord decided that he could bear it no more—when he decided that his very soul, that each one of his cells needed her, craved for her, rendering her more precious than oxygen.
So, he followed the plan. Out of his Fire Lord robes and restricting diadem, away from the must's and the have to's of his work, he could think more clearly. He could think more like Zuko. The never-perfect Zuko that always struggled for what he desired to gain.
Taking determined but still doubtful strides, he slipped out of the palace. The night was warm, accompanied by a never-ending, soft breeze that had surely messed Zuko's hair up. The illuminated building stood against the darkness of the night—much higher above him, filling him with the presence of suffocation and imposingness. Away from its walls, he was free. Away from the decisions, he wasn't a leader. He was human.
The grass felt soft and humid under the hardness of his brown boots. It smelt humid, too and, as Zuko breathed in, he was surrounded by the feeling of coziness and fresh memories of long walks in the garden, among the fire lilies, with Mai. Bending down, his hand caressing the vivid-colored petals of the orange flower, he smiled briefly to himself and snapped the green stem. Had it been under other circumstances, he'd regret taking this life away—something he had inherited by his Uncle Iroh—but now he knew that the flower wouldn't be wasted.
Minutes later, Zuko stood on the porch of Mai's house. He had managed to rehearse a small speech of apology, but he was well-aware of the fact that the words would never leave his mouth once he set eyes on her. He'd stammer, stumbling over his thoughts and uttering things which had to be said, but not under those inappropriate circumstances.
He inflated his cheeks and then let the air out with an audible 'puff'. Rising his sweaty fist, he knocked once, and then twice. He knew by experience that the young knife-thrower wouldn't be asleep; mainly because she liked the night better than the day but also, if she felt half the pain he did, she wouldn't be able to sleep.
For a second, Zuko selfishly hoped that she did, because he wanted her to miss him as badly as he missed her. But then that hope faded away, pushed out of his mind. Simply because Mai wasn't supposed to be in pain. Especially pain that he had caused.
He heard footsteps and instantly knew it was her. He felt the magnetic pull, blocked only by the thick layer of the door.
And then the door opened.
And the first thing he saw was the shock on her beautiful face. Mai hadn't expected he'd appear so soon and so unexpectedly. She always knew what was coming for her-she lived a predictable life. But Zuko turned that upside down as well.
Thoughts, words, considerations turned both their minds into jelly. They struggled to find the way to the tips of their tongues in order to be spoken.
Instead:
"Hey," Zuko murmured.
"Hey," Mai rasped.
Coughing awkwardly, Zuko played with the flower in his hands. Mai looked down and wrapped her hands around her arms in an attempt to fix her awkward pose.
"Nice night," Zuko commented and immediately bit his tongue, wondering why he said those stupid things.
"I guess." Mai shrugged. "So…"
Even though he knew what she meant, he couldn't help but ask. "So?"
Mai rolled her eyes. "Why are you here?"
Zuko snorted bitterly. "Isn't it obvious?"
"No," Mai answered. "Not really."
And it wasn't. Mai wasn't sure why he was there. To apologize? Maybe. To mock her? Likely. To give her that damned flower he had probably forgotten about? Possibly.
Looking about him, Zuko gestured towards the steps under Mai's porch. "Sit down with me for a minute?" He meant it as a statement, but it came out as a hopeful question.
"Sure." Mai shrugged, but her heart jumped, pounding so fast that she could hear the blood rushing in her ears. He was there. And she was happier than ever to see him there. Her cold façade, however, never changed. Zuko didn't need it to change. He could understand every word hidden behind a roll of her eyes, or a disapproving glare.
She passed next to him, the light breeze enveloping him with her scent. He took a deep breath, holding it in for as much time as he could. As they sat down, Zuko fumbled uneasily, hands running through his messed locks. Mai bit her lip and fought with the desire to grab those locks and pull him closer. "I'm here to apologize."
Mai wasn't sure how to handle that. She decided that acting non-chalant was the best option for the moment. "Or so I guessed."
Zuko smiled. Agni, he had missed her sarcasm. "Took me long enough, huh?" He mostly said that to himself, so Mai didn't answer. "You're right, Mai. You're always so right. I hide things from you and I hate it."
Mai frowned and glared forward. One would think that, after saying all those things the other day, she'd be ready to handle whatever Zuko had to tell her. But she couldn't deny the tingle of fear that held her back.
"No matter how much I want to share things with you," Zuko continued, glad to finally get all those things out of his system. "There's always something stopping me."
Mai nodded and automatically-without thinking-covered his hand with hers, feeling his heat travel up her fingertips and through her arm. Zuko marveled at the sensation and, tightening his grip on her fingers, looked at their entwined hands. "And what's that?" Mai asked.
Raising his head, he met her eyes. "I don't know," he whispered. "But I don't want to lose you because of it."
The young knife thrower huffed. "That's not what you had in mind five days ago."
"Living without you…I felt what it is like, Mai. More than once. No secret is worth it."
"Oh, Zuko…" Mai sighed again. She wanted to believe him. She did believe him. She knew that he meant every word but he would conceal himself again, he wouldn't open up. "That's what you say now. But in a few days, you'll disappear without saying anything and we'll go through this all over again. I'm tired of this."
Zuko closed his eyes. "Pride is what holds me back. Admitting how weak I am had always made me look weaker."
Mai narrowed her eyes and, now, she could see right through him. Suddenly, she could see everything. "Not to me!" She murmured.
"I realize that now."
"That's what it's all about? You're just afraid?"
And then it struck her. Who was she to blame him for not opening up when she had built barriers of stone-walls around her, preventing people from coming too close? Who was she to blame him for not telling her everything when she said nothing at all? Who was she to blame him for not wanting to get hurt, when all she did was protect herself from pain?
"Yes, but—" he sighed. "—but I promise I'll try to leave this all behind. I don't want to push you out, so I'm letting you in." He explained "Give us a chance."
"I don't know if it's worth it anymore."
"You know it is."
Mai sighed and decided that, after her sudden realization, she didn't have trouble answering. No hesitation. "Okay."
Zuko found himself drowning in a sea of happiness and absolute love, a sea that was previously filled with despair and self-abhorrence. And as he surfaced, his lips touched hers and everything was forgotten. She was lost and he was found.
They parted, foreheads touching. "I took the day off tomorrow," Zuko murmured, his lips brushing hers as he spoke. "Come at the palace in the morning. We'll spend the day together. And talk."
Mai smiled briefly. "Deal."
He smiled too and, just before leaving, his hand flashed to her hair so quickly that Mai didn't understand what was happening. Touching the place he had touched, she felt the Fire Lily and raised an eyebrow at him.
He shrugged. "I like your hair down."
Finally, done! Yes! I'm back!
Okay, the first half of this one-shot was written in summer, and the last half was written…well, now. My writing has changed a bit since then, mainly because I've read many book and had a lot of influences. I hope you're not disappointed.
This is not edited yet, but it'll be in two weeks or so! :)
Please, review and let me know what you think. As a gift for my come-back?