So, someone had the stupid idea to leave Sen and I alone in a room with crayons, paper, scisors, and a bucket. (My dog was there too, and a lunch break was involved, but that's beside the point.) And... we came up with this. The prompt: Captain TB/Gin gets pregnant w/Yumichika's/Soi Fon's illegitimate love child (respectively).
(Rangiku and Hanatarou play therapist)
Disclaimer: After reading this, you'll probably agree it's a damn good thing that neither of us owns Bleach. We'll let Tite Kubo keep it. Only so the universe doesn't 'splode.
Preggo
A Bleach Crack-fic
"Uh... so... why are you all here, exactly?" Hanatarou asked in confusion. ...Of course he was confused, four shinigami just practically burst through his door with frenzied looks in their eyes... except for Gin, because his eyes aren't exactly visible.
"Uh, well Hana-kun, we, er..." began the good natured Captain TB, I mean, Ukitake.
"We're pregnant!" smiled Gin happily.
"You're what!?" squeaked Hanatarou.
"Well, just me and Big Shiro are pregnant, Soi Fon and Aya-kun are the fathers, respectively," explained Gin.
"Soi Fon is the father?" said Hanatarou, trembling.
"Sh-shutup!" she stammered, "it's not what you think!"
"As if we would engage in such an unbeautiful thing," grumbled Yumichika, "It was completely involuntary."
"I don't understand...how is...well...that involuntary?" asked Hanatarou.
"Well, twelfth squad captain-san brought up into a big room with bright lights, forced some drugs into us and we woke up like this," explained Gin, "Right husband-chan?"
"I'm not your husband!" Soi Fon snapped indignantly. She then trailed off, "What will Yoruichi think..."
Gin continued to smile. "Oh, it's not so bad. I don't think I have any major problems with this. It is only mildly troublesome, but..."
"Maybe you don't, but I don't know if I could handle the pregnancy," Captain TB – er – Ukitake muttered.
"Don't talk about it! It's not beautiful!" snapped Yumichika, covering his ears. He then trailed off, "What will Ikkaku think..."
Hanatarou sighed. He didn't wuite understand this situation (he didn't understand it at all, actually), but he had already come to a conclusion. "I think we better call in the heavy artillery."
The heavy artillery was, of course, none other than Matsumoto Rangiku. She was surprised when the disturbed medic and the four troubled 'parents' suddenly burst into her room. Actually upon hearing the news, she was a little distraught.
"Gin! I thought if you ever had a baby, it would be mine!" she said in bitter remorse.
"Rangi-chan, I'm a boy..." he argued monotonously.
"Well, that doesn't seem to apply anymore," grumbled Yumichika, in a pretty way!
"My image is ruined," groaned Soi Fon.
"I think all of our images are ruined," sighed Captain Ukitake.
"Help, pleaaase..." Hanatarou pleaded in a small voice.
"Alright! I'm an expert in love and relationships!" Rangiku had perked right up at the opportunity to be of use.
"WE'RE NOT IN LOVE!" yelled the parents, except for Gin.
"I could fall for you squad two captain-san," suggested the foxy captain.
"Ew!" yelled Soi Fon, "Besides, cats are way better than foxes!"
"Now that he mentions it...I guess I could fall for Ayasegawa-san. I mean he's pretty enough to be a girl, so..." Ukitake pondered aloud.
"No, no! Don't even think about it, you hideous abomination against the natural laws of the universe!" yowled the fifth seat.
"Well this is progress!" Rangiku cheerily cut in. "At least the ones carrying the babies are accepting their fate!"
"Fate...?" Ukitake pondered aloud.
"What fate?!" snapped Soi Fon. It was obvious she was not enjoying herself, not at all. "This... this isn't my fate, this isn't even natural!"
"Surely I'm not destined to be in this ugly situation," exclaimed Yumichika, elegantly crossing his arms over his chest.
"Would Aya-kun rather be the mom?" teased Gin, "We could ask twelfth squad captain-san to switch us around."
"Ew, gross!" yelled Yumichika.
"I kinda like being the mom," mused Ukitake. "After all, this gives me more time to lounge around instead of working. Perhaps it might make my sickness somewhat better. That, and I couldn't imagine inconveniencing Soi Fon-san with something like this."
"Thanks," hissed Soi Fon, "You're so thoughtful." Her eyes narrowed and Captain TB... uh... Ukitake sweat-dropped.
"More progress, this is good!" interjected Rangiku, once again.
"What? Progress?! Are you even an expert?" Yumichika scowled.
"Um, Matsumoto-san, maybe you should, um, do something?" asked Hanatarou, completely disturbed. This wasn't the development he was hoping for at all.
"Huh? Like what?" she asked.
"W-well... um... maybe we should find out exactly how this happened, first?"
"Great idea! Alright everyone, I want to hear how those two got pregnant with these two's children," announced Rangiku.
"Well, Mayuri-Taicho said he had made some progress on finding a cure for my illness, and he wanted to see me as soon as possible. He asked me to lie down and then he administered some drugs. I'm not sure what happened after that..." explained Ukitake. He crossed his arms, showing that he was taking this whole matter very seriously.
"I was dropping off someone else's paperwork, again, which was giving me an ugly, splitting headache. Then Nemu said I should take something for it and asked for some medicine from Kurotsuchi-taicho, well I can't remember much after that," mused Yumichika.
"I had, uh..." Soi Fon trailed off into an inaudible mumble.
"What?" asked Rangiku.
"I was...sneaking into the observation room...to find old videos of Yoruichi-sama," mumbled a blushing Soi Fon. Gin smiled and giggled at her. She glowered at him. "For research!" she insisted, "Then the room was filled with chlorophyll and I passed out."
A silence fell. "Gin?" Rangiku prompted.
"Oh," he laughed softly. "Right, I guess it's my turn then. I was simply stopping in for a visit."
"A visit?" everyone asked with raised eyebrows.
"Yes, squad 12 captain-san said he had a delicious new tea he'd like me to try. It was delicious, he didn't lie about that."
"...And...?" an annoyed Yumichika prompted.
"Oh, I don't remember anything after that, it's all a blur." He finished cheerily.
"...Then, how do you know whose children belong to who?" asked a befuddled Hanatarou.
"Not too long after I woke up, I noticed I wasn't alone," Captain TB-er, Ukitake explained. "I was in the same hospital-like room as Ayasegawa-san. Mayuri-san came in and broke the news that I was pregnant..." he trailed off thoughtfully.
"Well that's suspicious," Rangiku mumbled. Nobody really paid her comment any mind.
"And when I woke up that... that grinning fool was staring at me..." sputtered Soi Fon. "I don't know why I had woken up in a room alone – with him, of all people – but when Kurotsuchi-taicho came in and told us that 'we were pregnant', well..." she trailed off in embarrassment.
"She fainted," Gin quipped. Soi Fon smacked him. He recoiled a little but his grin didn't fade. "While she was out it was explained to me that I was actually the pregnant one, as strange as it was. We waited until she came around to break the news to her again." There was a pause. "She didn't take it lightly, I wonder why..." he seemed genuinely confused.
Soi Fon's face contorted and twisted into a look of both confusion and anger. "Well it isn't everyday a woman finds out she somehow got a man pregnant, without ever having touched him!"
"Oh, you don't know if we touched or not," Gin smiled.
Soi Fon panicked.
Rangiku jumped in and started speaking again, in hopes of calming everyone down. "So obviously Kurotsuchi-san has something to do with all of this." She had put on her business voice now. "I wonder if this is all just some sick experiment..."
"Of course it's an experiment!" snarled Yumichika, "You think I did this for fun!"
"Well, Aya-kun does have weird hobbies..." smiled Gin. Yumichika smacked him.
"Perhaps we should see Kurotsuchi-Taicho about this," suggested Hanatarou.
"Good idea, Hana-chan, my trusted cohort! Quick everyone, to the Rangiku-mobile!" she pointed dramatically and rushed off. As she did so, she called (more to herself than the others) "This is fantastic! I can finally park in the expectant mother's space!"
The rest followed, some begrudgingly, others in curiosity. What on earth was this 'Rangiku-mobile'? Ukitake began to think that perhaps his fellow Shiro-chan had given her one too many missions to the world of the living. It was seriously rotting her brains.
Hado number 1337! Scene change!
"Oh, this is a surprise. What are you six doing here, and why are you in the expecting mothers spot...and what is than strange car?" asked Mayuri.
"Don't play dumb with me," hissed Soi Fon.
"Otou-chan doesn't like playing? That will be a disappointment to our children," Gin pretended to whine. Soi Fon smacked him.
"If you unscientific miscreants don't have anything productive to do, then please vacate the premises," instructed the mad scientist.
"We're here," said Yumichika, boldly and beautifully grabbing the madman's hand, "Because you-" he placed the hand on Ukitake's stomach, "did this, to us."
"Ayasegawa-san! I don't want him touching our baby!" protested Ukitake, pulling away.
"Lalala! Not listening!" yelled Yumichika, covering his ears.
"Ayasegawa-san, being in denial won't change anything," chided Rangiku, pulling his manicured hands away from his ears.
"I really have no idea what you people are talking about," said Mayuri with an all-too pleasant smile.
"You're really bad at faking," muttered Hanatarou, "considering that in all of their stories you're the one who broke the news to them."
"Ooooh," Mayuri said suddenly, "you mean the pregnancies. Yes, of course. Won't you all come inside?"
"NO!" the four parents (excluding Gin) shouted, at about the same time that Rangiku and Hanatarou agreed.
There was sort of an awkward silence for a moment before Gin chided, "Will there be more of that delicious tea?"
"Oh yes, of course. I can have Nemu make up enough for all of you."
Before the others could protest, Gin was already happily following Kurotsuchi-taicho inside. This did not appear promising. Everyone stood outside awkwardly for a few moments.
"Shouldn't we go in and... ah... make sure nothing happens to him?" Soi Fon asked slowly.
"Oh, what's this, you actually care?" Yumichika teased. This time it was someone else's turn to get smacked, as Rangiku did so to Yumichika.
"Don't tease her! She's making progress!" she scolded.
"Augh!" Captain Soi Fon spat. She stormed off inside, leaving the others behind out of sheer frustration. Captain Ukitake decided to follow, and after him went Hanatarou. Right behind Hanatarou came his trusted cohort Rangiku, who was dragging a not-so-beautifully grumbling Yumichika.
"Ah, that was delicious," sighed Gin contentedly., "I've been getting those, cravings, for weird foods, you know?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," said Ukitake, gobbling down some pickles and ice cream. The rest watched in disgust.
"Here, you got it all down your front," chided Yumichika, wiping ice cream and pickles off of Ukitake.
"Ha, who cares now!?" gloated Soi Fon. Rangiku smacked her.
"He's making progress!" she snapped.
"Um, Rangiku-san, I'm not sure you should be hitting the daddies..." Hanatarou stammered.
"We aren't daddies!" yelled 'the daddies' in unison.
"Hm, this tea tastes kind of different," Gin noted. Everyone fell silent.
"Oh, does it?" Mayuri tilted his head. "It tastes just the same to me."
"No, yesterday it seemed a little more... I dunno... sweeter." Gin said casually.
"Is that so? What did you have in your tea yesterday?"
"Hmm... I'm not sure. I told Nemu-san to surprise me."
"Well, surprise, you're pregnant," Yumichika grumbled.
"We can trade, if you're jealous." Gin grinned.
"Ugh! No thank you, you can keep your stretch marks," Yumichika stated bitterly.
"Then let's just ask Nemu," suggested Mayuri before screeching, "Nemu! Get in here you worthless idiot!"
The mini skirted lieutenant obediently entered the room and took her place beside her 'father' who promptly began to beat her.
In shock, Ukitake leaned over to his baby's 'father' and muttered, "Let's never treat our child like that."
Too shocked to argue in disgust, Yumichika simply nodded and whispered back, "Agreed."
After realizing there were still people in the room, Mayuri stopped and let poor broken Nemu crumple to the floor. Soi Fon stared in disbelief as Gin was still smiling, completely unmoved by the display. For a moment, she sort of felt bad for their baby.
"Why did you do that?!" Rangiku suddenly stood up as she shouted in anger.
"Well, obviously, it's her fault that those two have been impregnated. She obviously slipped Ichimaru-taicho a drug in his tea yesterday, and probably put the same drug in Ukitake-taicho's medicine." He shrugged with a casual grin. "Obviously she needed punishment."
"I don't think Nemu-san would do that of her own free will." Soi Fon's expression was dark and accusing.
"Are you blaming me?" Mayuri asked with a disgusting form of innocence.
"Well I doubt someone like her would commit such an ugly act of her own free will," Yumichika glowered. "It is just... too unsightly." ...of course, this was an indirect jab at both Mayuri's ugly personality and ugly toilet seat hat... thing....
"That doesn't matter!" the accused spat, hoping to change the topic. "The point is those two are pregnant and you two are the daddies."
"Don't call me a daddy!" They both shouted.
"Um... w-wait..." Hanatarou finally interjected, seeing this as a perfect opportunity to ask the question that had been bothering him since the first few paragraphs, "How did they get pregnant? Is... is there really a drug that can do that?"
Mayuri, pleased to have someone wonder about his work, turned to Hanatarou with a pleasant grin. "Why yes!" he really did seem pleased to blab about his science like this, "Just last week I developed a new substance that causes the user to begin to actually grow a fetus within them, regardless of gender. The other parent will be someone the user has had contact with closest to the time the drug kicks in. I wasn't sure if it would work or not – " he promptly stopped talking.
"So you thought experimenting on us would be okay?!" Soi Fon shouted in outrage.
"Uh... n-no, that's not where I was going at all!" he stammered in a nervous defence.
"Oh? Then why don't you finish your sentence for us?" Gin asked pleasantly.
"I... I uh... I wasn't sure if it would work or not because... ahem... because I haven't had a single opportunity to test it yet, because it's still closed up and locked away and untouched. Ahem. Yes. Untouched. Yet to be used."
"This doesn't look to me like it's 'unused'." Captain TB/Ukitake pointed out.
"Er, well... Nemu! It was her! That vile wretch must have slipped you it! That's the only explanation!"
"So first you make me touch that!" yelled Soi Fon, pointing at Gin, who waved innocently, "Then you blame Nemu!"
"But..! but it is her fault! Isn't it, Nemu?!" he asked with wrath in his voice. The girl didn't respond. She almost seemed ashamed.
"Nemu-san," Hanatarou asked softly. He shuffled closer. "You wouldn't do anything like that unless Kurotsuchi-taicho asked you to, would you?"
"Of course not," she responded softly.
"She's lyi-" before Mayuri could finish his desperate attempt at covering his deliberate plan, a loud crashing sound filled the air and the wall behind the twelfth squad captain burst inwards. When the dust settled (Gin seemed upset that it had gotten in his tea), everyone was shocked (but somehow not too surprised) to see the Rangiku-mobile planted firmly in the wall, mere inches from being right where Mayuri was. He, of course, seemed scared shitless.
Before anyone could really react (other than Hanatarou fainting), Rangiku clambered out and stood on the crumbled hood of her glorious, glorious transportation and pointed a finger accusingly at him. "You have been found guilty and will be punished accordingly!"
Everyone was now staring at Rangiku in shock. Wow... she sure knew how to make for a dramatic ending.
"So, what about Gin's baby?!" Soi Fon snapped.
"It's your baby too, otou-chan," he chided with his signature grin. She ignored him.
"What about it?" Mayuri said uncaringly with a slight pout.
"How are we going to get rid of it!?" she asked angrily.
Gin gasped. "Get rid of it? But I was looking forward to raising a child!"
"Jerk," Matsumoto Rangiku muttered darkly.
"I think I would like to keep our child as well. Is that alright, Ayasegawa-san?" Ukitake asked.
Yumichika wasn't sure what it was, but the look in Ukitake's eyes was just so disgustingly pleading that he had to refuse in order to dodge an ugly reaction. "Yes, yes. So long as you are the one to change the diapers, and clean up the puke... and do any other messy chores that might be required..."
"You're a jerk, too!" Rangiku said a little more loudly this time.
"Now that this crazy mess is all sorted out, I think I'm going to leave," Hanatarou said, clambering to his feet. He had woken up at this point, and he was glad it was all over.
And so everyone lived happily ever after, except Soi Fon, who did not want to raise Gin's child. This made him upset to be a single mom, but when he left he took the kid with him and Tosen proved to be a good father-figure. Hanatarou had to clean up the mess that Rangiku's totalled Rangiku-modbile left, but that was okay, because that car had an excellent funeral service afterwards. Ukitake and Yumichika raised their child together; though Ukitake was not sure he liked his partner teaching their baby Squad Eleven philosophies. Rangiku became a full-time, professional couple's counsellor, and all her clients make excellent progress. Kurotsuchi Mayuri got rich off of selling his new drug to m-preg pairing-crazed fangirls. Nemu was placed in intensive care at Squad Four's hospital, where she and Hanatarou fell in love and got married, because a story can always use more crack.
The end.
That was two hours well wasted.
Zin says: Review, bitches.
Sen says: Ditto.
Zin: Heh... hehheh... pokemon...