This story is a companion piece to my other multi-chapter fic 'I'm Not Calling For A Second Chance'. It might make more sense if you read that one first, but I'm trying to make this work as a stand alone fic too. Just a warning - because this is from Santana's POV there will be a little more involvement from an OC, but please have faith that Brittana is, and always will be, the main focus of this story :)
Coming home from work at night, knowing her girlfriend will be there to welcome her home with a smile is one of the only things that manages to get Santana through the day. Sure, there are worse jobs that you could have than helping run a coffee shop - the pay is reasonably good, the work is relatively easy and the hours are decent - but Santana always thought she'd do more in life. But being twenty years old, living in Philadelphia with your loving girlfriend of almost a year and being able to provide for yourself is still doing pretty well, right?
Santana puts her key in the door and opens the lock, making her way inside hoping that she will be greeted with the smell of dinner cooking, but to no avail. The house seems to be empty, which isn't normal. "Alex?" Silence. "Babe? I'm home," Santana calls out into the darkness, before kicking off her shoes and reaching for a light switch Once the room is lit, Santana can see that there is no-one there. She takes her cellphone out of her pocket and sure enough, she has two missed calls from Alex, and a text message.
Hey baby, won't be home in time to have dinner ready for you, but there's lasange in the fridge, it just needs heated. I'll be home about 7, love you xxx
Santana checks her watch. It's 6.30pm, so she decides to start dinner so it will be ready for Alex coming home for a change. Once the food is in the oven, Santana makes her way into the bedroom and changes from her work clothes into something a little more comfortable - sweats and a vest top. She takes her cellphone out and types a reply to Alex.
dinner's in the oven, will be ready for you coming home :) cya soon xx
At 6.50pm, the door to the apartment opens and Alex's voice fills the apartment.
"Something smells good!" she shouts from the doorway. Santana hears her and gets up from the couch where she's been watching America's Next Top Model, to greet her girlfriend.
"Well, I did shower this morning, but I didn't think I smelled that good," Santana teases as she makes her way to the door.
"Mmm, you know I think you always smell good."
"Even when I have a lazy weekend and don't shower for like two days?"
"Even then," Alex replies, smiling. "C'mere," she says, leaning in to kiss Santana. After a quick peck on the lips, they make their way into the kitchen.
"Dinner's almost done," Santana tells her. "Didn't expect you home yet. I'll check on it."
"Sounds good," Alex replies. "I'm just gonna get changed."
Santana opens the oven and checks on dinner. It's going to take about another ten minutes. To keep herself occupied, she takes two glasses from the cupboard and starts to fill them with wine.
Then.
"Babe, there's someone called Brittany on the phone for you!"
Alex's voice calls from the bedroom, and Santana's blood runs cold. She hopes she heard her wrong. She hopes she heard her right. She doesn't really know what she hopes, but she swears her girlfriend just shouted to tell her that Brittany was on the phone, so she heads to the bedroom to clarify.
She walks in cautiously, as if she's been caught cheating. It makes no sense, because she's done nothing wrong. But hearing that one name - or at least thinking she heard it - had unleashed something within her, something she'd kept buried for a long, long time. Almost three years.
"Did you say Brittany?" Santana asks in a scared, reserved voice. Even just speaking her name out loud sounds so comfortable and so familiar that it almost takes her breath away.
"Yeah, some girl from high school?" Alex says, clarifying.
Oh god, it's her. It's her, it's her, it's her is all that's running through Santana's mind. But why is she calling now? Scenarios run through her mind. Something must have happened. Someone's died. She's getting married. She's pregnant. There has to be something. Santana hasn't said a word. She's frozen.
"Babe, you okay?" Alex asks, obviously concerned.
Santana shakes off the feeling of complete shock and reaches out to take the phone. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," she reassures. "I'm just going to take the call outside, okay?"
Alex assesses her, knows something has changed. Something has been sparked inside her. Santana can see it in her eyes that she's wary. Santana has never discussed Brittany with her. They've said that they've both had exes, but Santana only said that her first girlfriend was in high school, and that was that. No names, no details, nothing. But Santana knows that Alex can tell that Brittany was more than just 'some girl from high school'.
The guilt bubbles in Santana's stomach and she knows she needs to do something to reassure Alex that this is an entirely normal phone call She leans in and places a delicate kiss on Alex's lips, but it feels hollow, wrong. Two minutes ago she was pouring wine for her girlfriend, and now she's tiptoeing around something that she really thought she could deny was even there.
Alex hands the phone over, and Santana looks her right in the eye, before making her way outside. She closes the door quietly behind her and takes a breath to steady herself. She lets it out, and then puts the phone to her ear.
"Britt?"
She didn't even mean for the nickname to slip out, but it just feels natural. She also didn't mean for her voice to be so shaky, or have so much disbelief.
"Yeah, it's me," Brittany says on the other end of the line. Hearing her voice again for the first time in years makes Santana's legs go weak. She leans up against the wall of their apartment to steady herself. The smile on her face is completely involuntary and she couldn't control it if she tried. It doesn't feel like she's smiling on the outside though, it feels as if she's smiling on the inside. Her heart is happy, her body feels light.
Santana decides to go with the truth. The very bare minimum truth, but the truth all the same. "It's good to hear from you." The sentiment hangs in the air between them as they both soak everything in and catch up with what's happening. Silence is still comfortable, or at least Santana thinks so. She can hear Brittany's breath on the line, she knows that Brittany is on the other end of this phone and is focused on her at this given moment in time. She still doesn't know the motive behind this phone call, but the phone call alone is more than she ever thought she'd get. After the way things ended, she deserves nothing from Brittany.
The silence needs to end. It's comfortable on Santana's end but she doesn't know if it's uncomfortable for Brittany. "It's been a while," she jokes to break it.
Brittany laughs and the sound sends shivers down Santana's spine. It's been so long since she heard that noise. She didn't know if she'd ever hear it again. "It's been more than a while," Brittany replies, a smile clearly evident in her voice.
Then, Santana just has to know.
"I don't mean to sound rude, but is there a reason you're calling me out of the blue after three years?" She doesn't even know if she's ready for the answer. But she has to be.
"Um... Some of the girls from glee club came to our apartment the other night for a party and we were talking about how we missed you." Immediately, Santana wonders if the 'we' really means 'we'. She also wonders who 'we' consists of, but she doesn't bring it up. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay." And with that she thinks that she maybe has a partial answer for one of her questions.
The smile inside of Santana grows bigger. "I'm okay, Britt." And she is. But she never thought she would settle for just being 'okay'. She knows there is so much more than the world can offer than just 'okay'. There is so much she's not saying. Truth by omission. She wonders briefly if Brittany is doing the same.
"That's good," Brittany replies. Then, "So... where are you? I mean, you left Lima." The guilt that is currently residing in her stomach becomes a thousand times heavier. Santana knows where Brittany is. She's looked her up on Facebook countless times. She wasn't able to access the profile but she was able to see basic details - current town being one of them. She was also able to watch the change in profile pictures and Brittany grew and matured. She always looked happy.
But Brittany has no idea what's happening in Santana's life. Whether it's through lack of trying or lack of information posted online, Santana doesn't know. All she knows is that she feels guilty for knowing more than Brittany does. She feels like a stalker, like she's gathered this information without permission. So she doesn't mention it.
"Philadelphia," she tells Brittany. "I don't even know how. One day I was on a bus out of Lima, the next I had my own apartment here." Sometimes Santana really doesn't know how she got here, or what brought her to the city. Chance, maybe. Luck? "It's crazy."
"Yeah," Brittany agrees, because they both know it's true. "Yeah, it is. What are you doing there?" Santana can hear the genuine interest in Brittany's voice. This isn't small talk.
"Just working in a coffee shop around the corner from where I live. I'm a supervisor," Santana starts to tell her. "It still doesn't pay much, but it's enough to cover the bills and have a little left over for me to treat Al- myself." Santana freezes. She didn't want to talk about Alex. But she's such a part of her life that it just happened. She hopes Brittany didn't notice.
"You don't have to lie, Santana," Brittany says, and Santana deflates. She heard.
She tries to act like she didn't slip up. "What?"
"You can tell me that you treat your girlfriend. It's okay," Brittany says. Santana didn't expect to be having this conversation today. She didn't really expect to be having this conversation ever. But it's happening. There's no avoiding it. Alex is a massive part of her life. Truthfully, until about ten minutes ago, Santana probably would have said that Alex was her life.
"Sorry," she apologizes. "I just don't know how to talk about this stuff with you," she says honestly. Santana's glad when Brittany takes the lead.
"What's her name?" It's such a simple question, but answering it feels like giving something away, something Santana doesn't really want to give to Brittany.
"Alex."
"Alex," Brittany repeats, and the name sounds so foreign on her tongue, so wrong. Before Santana has a chance to speak, Brittany chimes in again. "Are you happy?"
Brittany was never one for avoiding an issue, but Santana forgot how straightforward and blunt she could be. She wishes the answer was as straightforward as Brittany.
"Yeah, I am," Santana reassures. She thinks it's the truth.
"I'm happy for you." Something sinks within Santana. Brittany's moved on. Brittany isn't feeling the way she is. It makes everything so much worse. She needs to know.
"Are you seeing anyone?"
"No," Brittany immediately responds. "No one." Things feel a little lighter.
"I don't understand how someone like you could be single," Santana says before she realizes what she's actually saying. She wants to take it back. She didn't mean to be so playful, so... flirtatious. But it just comes naturally with Brittany. Even if it has been years, it's like no time has passed at all.
"Well, I am," Brittany says flatly. She's definitely moved on.
There's a silence, and then.
"I'm sorry." It's so quiet, but so genuine and Santana stands up straight, stops leaning against the wall. It feels important. But she can't have a conversation like this over the phone.
"Why are you apologizing for being single?" Santana jokes, trying to avoid anything heavy. She knows it won't work.
"Not for that," Brittany starts. "For... for breaking up with you." And there it is. The past has never really stayed in the past. It's followed Santana around for three years. It's creeped up on her when she heard a certain song. It's followed her down familiar roads. It's haunted her through meals and movies and everything in between. But she's never given in, she's always pushed it down and away, never letting it fully come out. But here it is, being forced on her, and she's not ready for it.
"It- It's in the past, Britt," she stutters.
"That doesn't make it okay though." Brittany won't give up.
"Brittany..." Santana hopes the use of her full name will be enough to stop her.
"Just please hear me out."
It isn't.
Santana steadies herself with a breath. After everything, after how they left things and how Santana ruined it for both of them, she knows that Brittany deserves her undivided attention. It's Santana that doesn't deserve anything. "Okay," she says.
"I'm sorry," Brittany begins, and Santana can immediately hear the honesty and emotion in her voice. It hurts. "I never meant for us to end like that. I didn't mean to hurt you." She laughs slightly. "I really didn't, Santana. It wasn't easy for me to break up with you." It wasn't easy for me to let you go, either Santana thinks. "It was the hardest thing I've ever done." She swallows. "I never wanted to say goodbye to my best friend."
And if Santana thought things hurt before, she knows they do for sure now. Losing your girlfriend is one thing. Losing your girlfriend - the love of your life - and your best friend at the same time? That's devastating.
"I didn't either," Santana says honestly. "But I wasn't good for you." They both know it's the truth. That's why neither of them fought to get back together.
"I miss you."
It's so simple, just three words, but they sound like a different set of three words and it sets Santana's heart racing.
"Yeah. Me too." The conversation is going into dangerous territory and she doesn't want to do this right now. Not when Alex is on the other side of the door. "Look, Britt, I gotta go, you called just as we were making dinner." When she says it, Santana realizes it's not an excuse and it snaps her back into reality. Her girlfriend is in their apartment waiting for her to come in and eat dinner with her. And here she is standing outside, on the phone to her ex-girlfriend having a conversation that is going into the serious side of things far too fast.
"Oh, yeah, sure. No worries."
"I've got your number now though, I'll text you." It's as much as she can offer, and it's more than she ever thought she'd get.
"Okay. Bye, Santana." Just hearing her name in Brittany's voice is more than she ever thought she'd get again.
"Bye, Brittany."
As soon as the line goes dead, Santana takes the phone away from her ear and leans back against the wall again. She needs a moment to steady herself, to get herself back in the right emotional state of mind to head back inside and have dinner with her girlfriend. It would be much easier to do that if she could stop thinking about Brittany.
A few moments later, Santana makes her way inside to find Alex in the kitchen, putting their dinner out on two plates. She's lit some candles and set the table too. How long was she on the phone?
"Sorry about that," Santana says, walking up to wrap her arms around Alex's waist as she stands beside the counter, and pulls her close. "Just a girl from school who used to be in Glee with me."
"Still can't believe you were a cheerleader, gay and in the Glee club," Alex laughs. "High school is bad enough when you're one of those three, but all of them? Really babe?"
"Hey!" Santana protests, tickling Alex's stomach slightly making her giggle. "I'm tough. I could handle it. Anyone who had anything to say knew to keep it to themselves unless they wanted to feel my wrath."
"Mmmm, I know someone who'd love to feel your wrath," Alex teases, turning round in Santana's arms to face her. "If you know what I mean," she says with a smirk.
Santana smiles and leans in to kiss her girlfriend tenderly on the lips. She can feel Alex smiling back. It doesn't last long before Santana is pulling away. "Dinner first," she reminds her, motioning to the quickly cooling plates of lasange on the counter behind them.
"Oh, right, yeah. Dinner first."
"I'm just going to the bathroom, I'll be back in a sec, 'kay?" And with that, Santana makes a quick exit to the bathroom, where she locks the door behind her. She takes out her cellphone and saves Brittany's number from her recent calls list. Then she opens up a new message to send. Staring at the blank screen in front of her, she thinks back to the days when it would be easy to start a conversation with Brittany, when she'd always know what to say. But she doesn't anymore. She decides to keep things light.
Sorry I had to go but dinner was getting cold. I just realised you didn't even get to tell me about New Haven. How's things?
She presses 'send' and looks at herself in the mirror. When she makes eye contact with herself, she keeps telling herself that she's doing nothing wrong. Just catching up with an old friend.
Then, she suddenly realizes her mistake, and frantically opens up the message screen again, hoping and praying that it hasn't sent.
The word 'delivered' underneath her message makes her heart sink.
Brittany didn't tell her she was in New Haven. That was information she found out herself. This is it. She's ruined things before they've even started.