Author notes : Sweet nothings I wanted to write after the 6.20. I hesitate between making it slashy or gen, but decided to go for slash. It's rather sad, then again, Castiel spoke of tragedy. Unbetated and I'm not English, so there might be some not very pretty mistakes. It's only my second fic in English.
Sadness in your lies
I feel sick, to the point of throwing up. I can't bear Sam and Bobby's compassion and pity written on their faces every times they look at me. They know. They know what he means to me, how deeply it hurts. It's burning, like Hell. I can still feel Alastair's blade on my skin, and this is the same kind of hurt. Profound. Excruciating.
You betrayed me. How could you ?
My brother. My best friend.
My lover.
Am I to destroy everything I touch?
Everything he's done, everything he does, he does for me. And for God. But it's me he trusts to tell him Right from Wrong. Or at least he used to. Not anymore.
I thought I'd saved him. I thought I'd made him care.
I did, in a way. I know he cares. I know he loves me. But it doesn't change what he did, what he does, what he'll do. If we don't… If I don't stop him.
Am I responsible for this mess? Did he really do all that to protect me? Or is it pride? His pride? The Castiel I know is not prideful. Yes, he is righteous and badass and kind of a dick. But a good hearted one. I thought I knew him. I would've defended him in front of Bobby, Sam, even God if I had to. No matter the proofs laid before me, no matter the accusations, I would have stood up for him.
I would have been wrong.
He wanted absolution from me, when he came last night. I know it. He wanted me to tell him everything would be alright. That I loved him. That I understood.
I couldn't. Because he's chosen a path I can't follow. He's not even seeing it. He's made a deal with the new Devil in town, and now he's unleashing the worst evils on Earth. He is desperate. He let Crowley used us. He let Sam do all those things, and tried to stop me giving him his soul back. He chose to trust a demon over talking to me. He lied to me, spied on me. He betrayed what we had.
I thought we were family. I would have died to help him. We would have found a solution, a way to defeat Raphael. We've defeated Lucifer, Lilith, even Eve, the mother of all monsters. Raphael would have been the next in a long list.
It's too late now. He made his choice. He and his fucking pride, his fucking righteousness.
Such a fucking waste.
I feel empty. Loving Castiel is a part of me. I can't stop. I won't. Even when I was making a new life for myself with Lisa and Ben, I took comfort in knowing that he was out there, protecting me from afar, taking care of things. Of course, I'd have prefered he stayed. But interspecies love? Yeah, we all know how well that ends. So I went to Lisa, and it was okay. He went back home to his family. I knew how he'd missed them. Even in my agony, unbearable as it was, knowing where Sammy was, knowing he wasn't coming back, knowing that it was probably the last time I saw Cas (in my lifetime anyway), I was happy for the angel. It was good. So he left, and I didn't stop him.
Oh, how I wish I'd stopped him then. Asked him to stay. Asked him to come back. Asked him something, I don't know.
I should've been there for him. I know how he is. He takes everything on his shoulders and never complains. When he feels lost, sometimes he drinks, mostly he disappears and doen't let anyone in.
Except me. I was the only one he trusted with his doubts, his anger and his weakness.
Why not come to me then, Cas ? Why ? I would've been there.
It doesn't matter now. Knowing why wouldn't change anything. He made the wrong choice, and worse, he kept lying. I could've forgiven his treason, could've lived with the fact that he lied about Sam and Crowley. I've already forgiven much. I've forgiven his first treason before the Apocalypse, the fact that he gave Anna to them... And he's forgiven my many mistakes too, my failures. It's what we do.
But I can't forgive him looking at me in the eyes and telling me he wasn't working with Crowley. Lying to my face, turning my loyalty to him into stupidity. Forgiving us for our suspicions with benevolence, for God's sake!
And of course, the worst yet : him turning his back on me.
It's Sam and Ruby all over again.
I felt the same sharp anguish last night that when Sam walked out of that door, that God forsaken motel door. Choosing Ruby over me. Choosing his pride over his family.
Dad, Sam, Bobby and Castiel. My family. I'm loyal to them above all else, and yet, they've all lied to me at some point. Sometimes I feel they see me as some kind of fragile puppet. They must feel I'm not strong enough to withstand the truth.
Family is everything. Am I the only one to think that?
I'm a stupid fool is what I am. And the funny thing? Lisa and Ben have never lied to me. I could've made a new family with them, ideally. But I can't. Because no matter how much they hurt, lie, cheat, I'll always be there for my family. I'll always love them. Like a stupidly loyal dog. No matter how much Dean-puppy gets kicked, it comes back.
But I don't know how to be anything else. And so I'm angry, all the time. Today, it's even worse.
I'll have to kill him. I know that. I can't reason with him, and he's too powerful to be stopped in any other way.
But just the idea of plunging one of those angelic blades in his body, to see him dead with his beautiful enormous black wings' imprint on the floor, surrounding him like some kind of sad reminiscence of what he once was… It's enough to make me sick all over again.
I want him safe, and happy. I want him with me, smiling his weird almost not there smile. I want him.
Today, even good old Jack Daniels is not enough to quench the throbbing in my guts.
I know I can't stay here, feeling sorry for myself. We have to find Crowley and kill him.
Kill Cas too. My angel.
I can't. I know I don't have a choice, and isn't that ironic? Choices. Freedom. It's what got us into this mess. Wrong choices. Horrible choices. Me having to kill Cas. And still loving him.
I'm so fucking tired of it all, of being the One. Will I ever atone for what I did in Hell? Will it ever be over?
Raphael's death should be it. Once Crowley and Raphael are gone, it's over, right?
Except… It's never over. There's always something else, in the unlimited team of nasties. And I'm fucking tired of losing everyone I love to this endless struggle. Mom, Dad, Pastor Jim, Rufus, Ellen, Jo, Ash, Pamela, Adam… So many others. And now Cas. I can't go on like this. I just can't.
"Dean ?"
I look up at Sam. It's three in a sunny afternoon, and I'm seating in the Impala, trying to drink myself into oblivion. Sam worries. Same old, same old. And I can't take it anymore.
Yet I have too.
"Yeah, what ?"
"I'm sorry."
He looks genuinely sorry for me. He knows. I don't want him to know. I don't want him to feel pity for me.
"Leave me alone, Sam."
I take a long gulp of whisky.
"Maybe Cas will…"
"I said, leave it alone, Sammy, okay ?"
He sighs.
"Alright."
I wait to hear him leave, and then take another mouthful. I'll do what I have to do, like always. No matter how much it breaks my heart to do it.
Where's God in all this, I wonder?
Will he bring Cas back again? I doubt it. Why did he bring him back to this? I'll never know, and He probably doesn't care. I've looked at Death in the face and snarl at him. I'm pretty much fearless. I have to hold on to that, when I do it.
When I kill him.
Even if it kills me too…
The End
I don't know how this season will end, and I think this fic is a bit of a stretch (even without the slash component) but I loved writing it.