Disclaimer:

I own nothing!
At least nothing remotely related to the awesome show "The Vampire Diaries"... it's sad, but it's true.
It's all Julie and Kevin! I love these guys for creating such an incredible show!

Oh... and I do not own the books either... haven't even read them!

This is a Oneshot based on the end of episode 4x15. The way I would have loved it to turn out...
Enjoy...!

A/N:
Reviews are greatly appreciated! ;-)

Special thanks go to my awesome beta Amy! Thanks for making my writing readable! ;-)

"Turn it off..." Damon tells me and grabs my shoulders. I'm shaking rather violently and I'm just about going insane due to the horrible pain that is coursing through my body. Jeremy is dead. My baby brother is gone and he won't be coming back... Ever. The realization slowly sinks in as I begin to shake even more.

Damon is looking me straight in the eye and I almost immediatly feel the pull of the sire bond as it starts to work. "Just turn it off and everything will go away. That's what you have to do. It's what I want you to do. Just turn it off."

And it would make everything so much easier…

I won't have to endure the indescribable pain of losing my beloved brother. The only relative I have left after loosing my whole family. My parents, Jenna, John... even Isobel; and mostly - it was my fault they had to die. Jeremy was the only one who survived everything with me. He was my rock, my lifeline and to be honest, he would have been killed a long time ago if it wouldn't have been for his eternity-ring.

Turning everything off would prevent me from having to face the fact that I was utterly alone now. Sure, I have my friends and I have Stefan and Damon, but after all – they're not my family. I don't have a family anymore and I can't handle that. I tried to deny the fact that Jeremy had been killed for as long as I could but I couldn't deny it anymore. He was gone for good. The moment I let myself realize that awful truth, my heart nearly shatters into a million pieces.

After I turned into a vampire, Jeremy was the one that kept me going, the one that kept me halfway sane. He was the reason I wanted to survive and to learn to control the cravings. Now, what would stop me from going over the edge? From flipping the switch?

But wasn't that what Damon wanted me to do just now? Flip the switch? Turn my humanity off? Maybe it would be for the best. The pain, the suffering, the numb and empty feeling… it would all go away. I imagine that for a few seconds. At least I tried to. But I just can't imagine myself without my humanity; without my emotions. After all, that is what distinguishes me from Katherine. I care. I always I care too much. The feelings and expectations of my family and friends have always come first for me and now I am supposed to turn all of that off? Forget about my feelings?

An image flickers in front of my eyes and I see myself standing in front of the Salvatores' fireplace. It's like I'm watching the scene from the outside, from someone elses point of view. A little like when my memories came back to me once I'd turned. I barely recognize myself. I'm just an empty shell of the old Elena. When I turned into a vampire, I changed; What has never changed however, was my compassion, my emotions. They shone through my eyes and surrounded me like an aura. That aura was missing now; gone. I see Stefan and Damon coming down from upstairs. They are talking to me but I'm not listening. I just mutter a quick 'Whatever…' and leave the boarding house.

I blink and the image is gone and tears well up in my eyes. I don't want to be like that but I don't know if I will survive the pain of losing Jeremy. After all, I don't seem to have a choice either. Damon wants me to turn it off so I'll turn it off. Stupid sire bond. I hate being robbed of my free will. I've always been stubborn and liked to do things my own way; whatever it took. That's what I loved about Stefan. With him, I didn't have to fight for having it my way. But on the other hand, sometimes, that fact was also kind of boring to me. Damon has always challenged me. He didn't let me get away with everything. If he thought my decision was wrong, he tried everything to make me rethink it. And by everything, I do mean everything. Even if it meant he had to betray my trust or lock me up. We were always bickering and sometimes it was about completely stupid stuff and that was what piqued my interest at first.

I see another image lighting up in front of me. I'm in a club and I'm dancing. It looks like I'm enjoying myself. I look around and notice that there is not one single person in this club that I recognize. They are all strangers. I see myself heading over to the bar where the bartender hands me two shots of Tequila and I'm scanning the crowd. Suddenly, I seem to spot someone but I don't know the guy. I approach him and look up at him through my lashes. I ask him in a flirty voice if he want's to join me for a Tequila. He accepts and we down the shots before I near enough dive on him, kissing him roughly. A hand begins to tangle in my hair but I pull away. I look him in the eye and tell him in a calm but confident tone that this won't hurt and that he won't scream. Then, I bite him on the neck, sinking my teeth into his flesh and the fresh blood tickling my tastebuds. I let out a small groan as I feed on him. I gasp looking at the image in front of me. I'm feeding on someone in public! When I'm finished, I lick the guy's wounds and pop up his collar so that the bite marks are hidden. Wiping my hand across my mouth, I walk away.

"NO!" I scream at the imagine in my mind when it suddenly vanishes and I notice that Stefan and Damon haven't moved an inch and are still looking at me, waiting for me to turn it off.

A few tears escape my eyes and roll down my cheeks. By the way Damon looks at me, I can tell that he's sorry that he has to do this to me. He knows that my humanity is the most important thing to me but he also can't stand the idea of me being hurt. Burying Jeremy will hurt... it will be too much. So, I know that he chose this to make it easier for me. But for everybody else, coping with the outcome of this decision will be really hard. Dealing with a vampire who flipped the switch was like walking on the edge. Everything you say, everything you do can make them angry or bored... or irritated. And to make a point that they are angry, bored or irritated – they torture or they kill. Preferably people who are important to you. So yes... maybe it would be easier for me but only for me. And only until I turn everything back on because then I'll have to deal with the guilt.

That's when another image shows inside my head. I'm in my kitchen doing the dishes. Damon is there, too. I remember the day vividly. When Stefan and Damon came back to Mystic Falls, I had invited everyone over to get to know Stefan. Damon had turned up with Caroline. I learned about Katherine and that she played with the feelings of both Salvatore brothers.

I tell Damon that I am sorry for him; because he lost Katherine, too. That was when our relationship – be it just friends or even more – started. Someone cared for him for the first time in like… maybe ever. And he allowed me to catch the tiniest glimpse behind his carefully built walls. It wasn't on purpose, he didn't plan to let me in back then. But me honestly caring about him caught him by surprise.

The scene changes. Stefan and Damon are in the tomb and they had just found out that Katherine had never been in there for all this time. Stefan tries to get Damon out of there before the spell Bonnie and her Grams are chanting to keep the tomb unlocked, wears off. But Damon is stubborn and desperate. He doesn't want to believe that Katherine, the woman he was so blindly in love with, thinking she had felt the same way about him, betrayed him like that. That she hid and ran from him for over 100 years. I know we're running out of time so I rush into the tomb and straight towards Damon who I make eye contact with.

'Damon… please!' I beg him. No more words are necessary. There are so many emotions hanging in the air between us. His heartbroken facial expression breaks my own heart, too. And my genuine worry does the trick. He seems to snap out of his anger and his denial and we leave the tomb.

Can I really lose that? Lose all those emotions between us? But then again… I can't really do anything against it, can I? I'll turn it off, I have to. I know it.

I feel like it was hours ago when Damon told me to flip the switch. But that's not possible. Damon's face didn't change a bit. And I would have recognized if it did because it's only inches away from my own face. I inhale deeply. I let his smell consume my senses. I love him so much! This man, who's been through so much… who looks at me like we're both broken. I know he is kind of breaking apart right now but for him, there was just no other option. Stefan asked him to help me and with that, I guess he meant Damon should tell me not to be too sad because I still had my friends to rely on or not to worry because I wasn't alone – which I truly was – and that Jeremy would still be here; in my heart.

But it wasn't enough for Damon. He knew he couldn't help me that way. He knew the only option he had was to tell me to turn it all off. If he would have just told me not to worry or not to be sad anymore, it wouldn't have worked. The pain would find another way to torture me. It's just too much. And for that I love him even more. He knew he would possibly lose me. With my emotions shut down, I wouldn't feel love anymore. Which means I wouldnt love him any longer. Everything we had, every emotion we shared, every moment we enjoyed together… none of that would matter to me anymore. And yet, he still did it despite all of that.

Everyone always considers him to be extremely selfish and ruthless when actually, Damon Salvatore is the exact opposite. At least when it comes to those he cares about. If you are lucky enough to consider him your friend, then you know one thing for sure. He would die for you without thinking twice. And I hate that most people don't see or don't want to see how good he is.

Before I can get all worked up about the fact that Damon is totally misunderstood, the next mental picture shows up. Damon and I are arguing about something after our road trip to Atlanta. I promise him that I will help him find Katherine. When he doesn't believe me, I take off my necklace so that he could compell me to tell the truth. But he doesn't. He puts the necklace back where it belongs.

'I'm trusting you. Don't make me regret it.' He says. It was the first time he opened up to me on his own volition. He made himself vulnerable by admitting that he trusted me. And he could trust me. At that time, I already cared deeply for him. I didn't love him then like I do now, but the feelings I had for him were very intense.

The image fades away. We always trusted each other. We still do. We trust each other with our lives without a single second thought. I know that, even if it will be the hardest thing to do, he'll bring me back from the edge. He would be the one to bring my humanity back. I know he'd do whatever it takes. But still, I'm afraid to let it go.

That's when the next scene shows up and I see myself sitting on the couch in Damon and Stefan's living room. Damon's just coming home. He's upset, I can tell. He looks sad, almost heartbroken... guilty and a bit desperate. That was right after Rose died from the werwolf bite. Back then, he still pretended not to care, pretended to have his humanity turned off. But that wasn't the case at all. He couldn't fool me. I knew he cared about me and he sure as hell cared about Rose. His humanity was back, I was sure of it. Yet, he still denied it. He didn't want people to have expectations. He was fine being the bad-guy and being blamed for everything. So he let everyone think he was a heartless killer.

I won't be fine with that. I don't want people to hate me or be scared of me. I don't want people thinking that I was a heartless killer! I need to feel trusted and I need to feel loved. I need to feel – period.

That's when something in my head snaps and I know I can't turn it off. I saw all these images... the ones that showed me what it would be like to have no humanity and the ones that showed all these emotional moments I shared with Damon. I can't lose that. I already lost Jeremy, I can't lose Damon, too. It won't be pretty and it won't be easy. It will hurt like hell and I will be devastated and depressed for weeks, maybe months. But I know, with Damon by my side, I will survive it. Somehow, he'll get me through this like he got me through everything else.

I blink one more time and the last tears escape my eyes to roll down my cheeks. Damon cups my face with his hands and I grab his wrists. I try to look as determined as I can when my eyes meet his.

"No!" I say and this time I know they hear me. Damon looks shocked. There's no other expression on his face. Plain shock, that's everything I can see in his beautiful features and his bright blue eyes.

"What?" He asks me after a few seconds. Still shocked but also hopeful. "What did you just say?"

"I said 'no' Damon! I won't turn it off!"

His eyes are searching my face. I don't know what he's trying to find. Any sign of the sire bond? A sign of the bond being broken? He doesn't understand this at all.

"How...?" He asks, still looking puzzled.

"I don't know... I just know that I can't turn it off, Damon! Please don't make me!" I plead, holding back more tears. I know I will cry more than enough because of my brother's death but for now, I have to be strong. I have to convince Damon to do it my way.

"But – " he starts but I cut in immediately.

"No, Damon… please. Don't take it from me. I need my humanity, I need to feel. I know I will go through hell and back in the next few months but I can't just turn everything off…"

"Damon, it didn't work! The sire bond!" I hear Stefan say but I don't see him as I can't take my eyes off of Damon's face.

"I know!" Damon says through gritted teeth and shoots a glance at Stefan from the corner of his eye.

"Elena, I used the sire bond. You have no choice. Please… for me. Turn it off." He says once more and I see it breaks him inside because he knows now, that it's not what I want. He thinks that it is what I need, what will keep me alive. I know it breaks his heart but he does it anyways.

I let go of his wrists and cup his face with my hands. A small smile appears on my lips as I caress his beautiful features.

"No…" I repeat. "No, Damon. I can't turn it off. I won't turn it off. Like I said, I need my humanity. It makes me who I am and I need to feel. I need to feel happy, bored, annoyed and even sad. I have to experience pain and hurt…" My voice nearly breaks when I say that. "I need people to trust me, they can't do that when I'm a heartless bitch. But most of all, I need to feel love. Your love. I know I can survive this, if only you'll be there with me. As with the sire bond… I felt it kicking in when you first told me to turn it off. I don't know why it's not working, but honestly… I don't care. It seems to be broken and that's all that matters. Maybe my humanity is such a big part of me that it's stronger than the bond. It felt like an inner battle. I saw pictures of me after I did what you told me to do and I hated that version of myself. After that, I remembered emotional moments between the two of us and I knew, that I can't lose that. Not loving you anymore or even not caring about you anymore, it's just not an option. I can't turn off my feelings for you, Damon. They're too strong. I love you with all my heart and I think this is what broke the bond."

He just stares at me for seconds. And then he presses a careful kiss to my lips. It's tender like he's afraid to break me. It's full of affection, devotion and full of love. And hesitant… I know it's because he still can't believe that the bond is really broken and that my feelings for him are still there. He always thought that I'd go back to loving Stefan in the end. I lean my forehead against his and close my eyes.

"We'll get through this… together." I say. He pulls me in a tight embrace and just holds me for I don't know how long. And in that moment, I know that it is true – we'll survive everything together. Always.

-

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