To Thine Own Self Be True
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A sharp knock at the door resounded through the quiet house. Andromeda Tonks set down her book and pulled out her wand. Dora, sitting in front of the fireplace, was completely unaware and quite content to continue playing with the blocks her grandparents had given her.
With a quick glance to the clock, Andromeda steeled her nerves and crept towards the door. The visitor knocked again, this time more urgent.
"Who's there?" Andromeda called out, praying that her voice wouldn't crack.
There was a pause, filled by the blustering winds of fall, before a voice carried through the door, "It's me, it's Reggie."
Andromeda's brow creased instantly and her grip on her wand tightened. "Regulus? Sirius this isn't funny." She snapped, preparing herself to curse whoever came through the door.
"No, it's really me, Regulus Black, your cousin," he insisted.
"Dora," she called over her shoulder, "why don't you go upstairs and pick out a book for Daddy to read you when he gets home?"
There was a soft answer of, "Alright, Mummy," and the gentle pad of young feet up the stairs.
A sigh escaped her lips that she didn't know she had been holding. "Andy, please, let me in. I want to talk to you."
"And let me guess, Bella and Cissy are with you too? Maybe your mum for good measure? Get away from my house before I curse you, Regulus," she spat, fear alighting in her veins.
"Andy, I need help." He said, his voice cracking with tears. "Please. I don't know where else to turn."
Andromeda unlocked the door and pulled it open until it caught on the chain. She peered out and found her youngest cousin standing on her doorstep, alone, with his hands in the air. Against her better judgment, she undid the chain and opened the door further.
"Get inside," Andromeda hissed, stepping slightly outside of the door to scan for any other intruders.
Regulus stepped inside and looked around the warm, friendly house, so unlike the ones they had grown up in. He looked rather out of place with his dark black robes and pale, translucent skin in contrast to the warm yellows, browns and reds in the house. Regulus stood awkwardly in the center of the entry way, shifting back and forth uneasily.
Andromeda came back in, slamming the door and redoing all of the locks and protective charms. She stormed past him and motioned for him to follow. Regulus followed her into a small kitchen.
"Sit," she muttered harshly, her manners not forgotten. Leaning against the countertop, wand still held between two fingers, she watched him with narrowed eyes, "What the fuck do you want, Regulus?"
He flinched at her language, but said nothing of it. "I-I-you see- I-." He fiddled with the sleeve of his robes, rubbing the still tender skin.
"You didn't." Andromeda rushed forward and pushed up his sleeve, staring at the ugly black tattoo on his forearm. "Reg, why? I thought you were smarter then that."
"All for the better of wizarding society, eh? Tojours Pur, right?"
A dark look crossed her face and for an instant, she looked terrifyingly like her elder sister. "Do not say those words in my house." She bit out, staring him down. "Get out. Now."
"No, wait, Andy, I'm sorry." Words bumbled out of him and he cursed himself. "Please, just listen. I need somebody to talk to."
"You have your pick of my sisters, why not one of them? I'm sure Bellatrix or her shithead husband would be happy to help you. She can fill your head with more of that pureblood bullshit."
"I like my sanity in tact, thank you very much," Regulus replied, his voice full of snark. Andromeda couldn't help but be reminded of his brother, full of bluster and sarcasm.
"Go see Cissy then. I know she hasn't taken the damned mark. 'It'll damage her skin,'" she mocked coldly, "Regulus, I left. I'm not a part of this. Now say what you need to say then leave."
"Andy, I'm not going to hurt you. Or your daughter."
"And what about my husband?"
"I wouldn't-" he faltered again, "I wouldn't hurt your mud- your husband." Andromeda pinned him with a glare, so perfected from their childhood.
She paused, before saying, "I know you wouldn't, but who's to say that nobody's following you. We've already had to move four times since Nymphadora was born because of Bellatrix. She's out for my blood. She has been for a while now."
"Trust me, nobody's followed me. They're all off doing the Dark Lord's bidding," his last words were laced with distain and disgust.
"And you're not?"
"I can't. I can't anymore." He buried his face in his hands, unable to look his cousin in the eye. Shaggy black hair fell over his fingers and eyes, creating a barrier between the two of them.
There was a soft shuffle of feet and then of a chair being pulled out as Andromeda sat down across from him. "Why?"
The word hung between them awkwardly, neither knowing the answer.
"They just killed them." His dark eyes, so similar to her own were fixated on a faded water wing on the table. "Just killed them. Like they were nothing. To them, they were nothing."
"Who are you talking about, Regulus?"
Regulus lifted his head to look at her. "It was a birthday party. Some ministry official's daughter was turning 8. They came. They killed everyone. Slaughtered them. Like they were nothing."
Andromeda's eyes involuntarily darted to the other room, where she and her daughter had previously been. Her fingers grasped the edge of the table tightly, anger coursing through her. "They?" She questioned, already sure of the answer.
"Bella, Rab, Rod, MacNair, and Riddle. And me." Andromeda inhaled sharply at his list of names. "I could barely even move. Andy, they killed every last one of them, they tortured the children in front of their parents. And all I could do was stand there and watch."
Tears ran down his hollow, aristocratic cheeks, dripping on to pale, writhing hands. Andromeda sat, frozen, unable to think or move or do anything.
"I can't do this. I can't. I don't know what I've done. What have I gotten myself into, Andy?" He met her eyes with dark, tortured, broken ones. A deep twang of remorse coursed through Andromeda for the little boy who had once come to her for every small scrape and insult from his brother, for the boy who didn't know why his cousin and his brother had to leave, for the young man in front of her who hated himself.
"Reg, I don't know." She reached out a hand, laying it palm up. Regulus forced a broken smile to his lips. "Have you tried talking to Sirius? You know, he is in the Order. He could help."
"I tried. I believe his exact words were 'Go fuck yourself and pass that message along to any of those other shithead relations of yours.' I'm assuming he didn't mean you as well," Regulus let out a choked laugh, "You're one of the good guys, Andy," he mumbled, his voice laced with regret. "Better then all of us, even Sirius. You stayed away from this whole mess."
"I didn't have a choice, Reggie."
"You always have a choice." He said firmly.
"There's your answer then, Reg. It's your choice. You can choose how to live your life. Now, I'm not going to encourage you to stay with the Deatheaters, but you have to decide if you can live with yourself."
There was a long moment of silence, filled only by Regulus' small sniffles as he brushed away budding tears. "He took Kreacher."
"As in your house elf?"
"Yes, the Dark Lord needed an elf for some reason. Mother and Father volunteered him as soon as Bella told them. He came back. He was different. Like he had been tortured." Regulus' head dropped into his hands, "I don't know what to do. Nothing makes sense right now. I can't continue on like this."
"Then leave."
He lifted his face slightly out of his hands, staring at her with deadened eyes over the tips of his fingers, "You can't just leave, Andromeda." A cold tone slipped into his voice, "Once you're in, you're in for life. Not all of us are as good at running away as you and Sirius." He snapped harshly.
Andromeda's look of care and concern instantly morphed into one of anger and distaste. "Fine, go off and gallivant with my pyscho-bitch of a sister and her murdering friends. And your fucking Dark Lord. You go right ahead and do that. But don't you ever come back here. Don't ever come near me or my family. I may not be Bellatrix, but I grew up right next to her so don't test me, Regulus Black."
Regulus moved to his feet, anger coursing through him, "I don't even know why I came here. It's not like I need help from a dirty mudblood loving, blood traitor." As soon as the words left his mouth, he felt the all too familiar pang of regret surging through him.
Andromeda's eyes narrowed dangerously and she gracefully stood, wand gripped loosely in her fingertips. "Careful Black." She spat with equal venom. "Now leave before I curse you. And what is it Bella always used to say? 'You have to really mean it'? You insult my family one more time and I will mean it more then she ever has." Andromeda snarled. Instantly, that gut crushing sadness replaced Regulus' anger once more. He slumped back in the chair, tears viciously pricking at his eyes.
With a strange sort of inner pain hindering his movements, Regulus stood slowly, keeping his chin dropped, unable to look his estranged cousin in the eyes.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have dragged you into this." He let out a mirthless chuckle, "I just needed to talk to somebody before I-I-I, before I die."
"You aren't going to die, Regulus, not for a long while."
"Where I'm about to go? There isn't a chance in hell of me coming out alive. But it'll all be worth it in the end. Can I just ask one thing of you? Please Andy?"
"What is it?" She asked wearily, scrubbing a hand over her face.
"Can you forgive me for all that I've done? And remember me as the little boy who wanted to be just like his brother?" He choked out, voice trembling and cracking.
Andromeda rounded the table and drew him into a hug, "I forgive you, Reggie, I forgive you," she mumbled into his ear. "I know you'll do the right thing in the end. I know you will."
Regulus buried his face in her shoulder, breathing in her familiar, yet completely un-familiar scent. "Thank you Andromeda. You know, I never hated you for what you did. I know I said I did. But I could never hate you or Sirius." He glanced down at his gold watch, "I should get going, and I have things to do. Thank you Andy."
He pulled away from her, both sets of eyes brimming with tears.
She led him to the front door, and opened it slowly. "Reg, I do wish that I didn't have to leave like that. I do in some twisted sort of way still love all of you, even, even, Bella."
"We all cried for days after you left. But nobody would admit it. Bella cried for nearly six months, Andy. She's never forgiven you I'm afraid. But I did. And so did Cissy. A long time ago. Be happy, Andy. You've got a better shot at it then any of us. You were always the best of us." And with that, he walked out the door and disappeared into the night.
Andromeda numbly shut the door, locking it and redoing all of the protection charms. She walked back into the living room, finding a green hair Nymphadora sitting on the couch, a book clutched to her chest, a small frown on her lips.
"Mummy?" her young, innocent voice cracked through the stinging numbness Andromeda was feeling, "Are you okay?"
"Come here, Dora," she cried, crouching down to her daughter's level. Nymphadora scrambled down to the ground and launched herself at her mother. Andromeda clutched her daughter to her, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. "I love you so much, Nymphadora, don't you ever forget that. Ever."
When Ted came home 20 minutes later, he found his two girls curled up on the couch, one asleep, the other still crying softly. Crying for idealistic children, lost family and spilled blood.
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