I've never been there when Tweek does meth. But today I'm in Kenny McCormick's basement smoking weed while watching Tweek literally tweak out. Everyone knows that he's a meth head, I mean the signs are everywhere! He's got meth mouth, never sleeps, shakes and twitches like crazy, and hallucinates. And no, he didn't start when he was in elementary school, like everyone seems to think around here. At first he was just addicted to coffee, the love of his life. Then he broke his leg in eighth grade and got a hold of pain killers. So that mixed with coffee made for an even crazier Tweek. Of course his doctor realized shit was going sour with the pain meds, so he stopped prescribing them. So Tweak needed his fix, cause he was addicted, so he turned to heroin. From there came meth. That started when Kenny had this crazy party and one of his dealers gave Tweak some pills and he was instantly addicted. You might wonder how I know this, and really it's just because I've known Tweek since he was little, and once we had our fight I kinda kept tabs on the guy. Mostly just blatant curiosity.
So I obviously don't have a huge problem with recreational drugs, but once you start pulling out your hair, ruining your teeth, and picking ugly scabs into your once smooth pale skin, you need to stop. I'm just really against the hard shit that gets you nowhere but a six foot hole or a jail cell.
"You've gotta quit this man, it's just screwing you all up. You're driving yourself crazy.", I say, then take another hit.
"SHUT UP. It helps. I've tried, GAH, stopping! It doesn't work man, DOESN'T WORK. Oh my God."
"What?"
"Craig... did you hear that?"
"Hear what dude?"
"THE BUSHES, CRAIG, THE BUSHES."
"Tweek what the fuck are you talking about?"
"DON'T YOU HEAR THEM? THE PEOPLE IN THE BUSHES!"
"NO TWEEK I DON'T.", and now we're both shouting about damn bush people.
"GUY'S SHUT THE FUCK UP I'M TRYING TO WATCH TV.", Kenny screeches from upstairs.
"GAH! Sorry...", Tweek says, whispering the 'sorry'.
"Okay now can you calmly explain the deal with the bushes?"
"The cops," He's still whispering,"are outside, in the bushes. I can hear them. I can feel them watching me."
"Dude there are no cops in the bushes. Besides we're in the basement how would you hear them?"
"When I'm, GAH, high I can hear everything. I'm pretty much Superman. But the cops don't like that so they wanna find me."
"So that's why you think they're ouside right now?"
"Yes."
"They aren't."
"Um yeah Craig, they kind of are."
I slap my palm across my face and drag it down to my chin. God damn it.
"And I'm sick of them just torturing me by waiting there. So I'm going to call those bitches so they come and fight me like real men!"
"What. Wait WHAT? TWEEK WHAT THE FUCK, NO."
Before I can even get up to stop him he runs off to the phone in the corner of the room. I stumble over some of Kenny's shit to get to him, and when I do I tackle him to the ground, out of reach of the phone
"STOP! GAH! LET ME GO!"
He's twitching and shaking as he struggles to get out of my hold around his waist.
"Tweek, you don't understand what you're doing, okay? Just calm down and let's talk about this! CALMLY."
"NO CRAIG, YOU CALM DOWN.", He yells as he proceeds to kick me in the nuts. And he doesn't hold back either. I feel as though my balls were shot with a RPG, thrown into hell, and then shoved up into my body. As I'm spralled out on the floor gasping in pain, Tweek jumps up, yanks the phone, almost breaking the chord, and dials three numbers. Nine. One. One. I'm still on the floor with my sack on fire as I stare up at a stupid meth head with a phone. And yeah, it's as bad as it sounds.
Then Tweek screams into the phone, "I KNOW YOU'RE, GAH, OUTSIDE! JUST COME IN AND FIGHT ME YOU FUCKING PIGS!"
We. Are. FUCKED.
That's when Kenny rushes down the stairs.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"
At this point I struggle up onto my knees and in a pained voice I tell him,"Tweek called the police."
If this wasn't such a serious situation I would've taken a picture of his face because it is absolutely priceless.
"What the fuck."
Tweek is still babbling on the phone to the police as Kenny dashes over, grabs the phone out of Tweek's jittering hand, and then slams it down on the ground, and promptly begons to stomp on it. And now it's Tweek and I's turn to have pricelessly shocked faces. They phone is lying on the ground, completely decimated.
"Shit", I say stupidly. The police are on their way over here and we all know it.
"Dude we have to hide these drugs.", states Kenny. So I start grabbing everything I can fit in my arms that looks remotely drug related and stuff it in my tote bag. Kenny soon joins in, while Tweek, the crazy shit head, sits on the couch, shaking like a vibrator. Kenny and I finally think we've got it all, so he runs upstairs and hides the bag in the freezer. They won't look there.
DING DONG.
We all look at eachother. Kenny cracks his neck and shakes out his arms.
"Okay, Craig, be calm and follow my lead. Tweek, stay the fuck down here and don't say shit."
I nod. Tweek shakes his head in some way where you can't tell if it's a yes or no, but he curls up into a ball on the couch and doesn't say anything else so we assume he's fine. So Kenny and I go upstairs. Kenny lets out a breath and swings the door open.
"Officer Barbrady! Hey, nice to see you, what's up man?", Kenny says all friendly and innocent. I can tell he's used to this.
"Well boys I got a call to come down here. Looks like we were accused of spying on someone in this house. They also called us pussies. You two know anything about this?", he asks.
"Gee officer, that sounds crazy! Well I can guarantee it wasn't either of us! You sure it wasn't from another house?", I ask.
"Huh! That IS possible! But hey I was wondering, why're both your eyes so red? You both okay?"
Shit. We pause and then in unison:
"We were watching 'Titanic'."
"Craig broke up with me."
Kenny and I look at eachother and then at Barbrady, who looks really confused.
"Um see, we were watching 'Titanic' and then Craig told me it was over...", Kenny says and fakes a sniffle, "Maybe today isn't a great day to do this officer, I'm pretty emotional right now."
"Oh. Yes. Of course... I'm so sorry, um, I'll leave you two be. I hope everything turns out okay."
And then as soon as he starts turning back to his car there's a shrill scream bubbling up from the basement.
"BUGS. EVERYWHERE. GET THEM OFF! CRAIG! CRAIG! HELP MEEE!"
We are so screwed.
"Was that the Tweak's boy?"
"Yes, um, see, Tweek slept the night here, and looks like Kenny is so poor that he can't afford an exterminator! So I should probably go help Tweek with the bugs!", I say, then I rush down the stairs as fast as I can, Tweek still screeching. I get to Tweek's shrieking little form in the fetal position on the couch and shove my hand over his mouth. I'm done dealing with him.
"Tweek,", I hiss,"I'm not going to jail for you're skinny bitch ass, okay? I'm not. And I don't want to see you go to prison either. So you better shut up right now." His eyes widen and he shakes a little less. Then I see his eyes roll back in his head and he goes completely limp. And now I'm scared as hell because I'm pretty sure Tweek just died on Kenny's couch, and I kinda want to scream, but I somehow contain myself. I gently lay him down on the ugly mauve couch, hoping to God that he's okay. I slowly walk up the stairs, where Kenny is slumped against the front door, lighting a joint.
"Got rid of Barbrady. Good thing he's a moron."
"I think Tweek ODed."
"What the hell man. I finally think this shit is over and the bitch dies on me. Really? Really?"
I take him down to the basement where we both inspect the body. Kenny checks for a pulse.
"He's fine. Just knocked out. He's seen worse, he'll be fine."
"Thank God. Oh and Kenny..."
"What?"
"Sorry for breaking up with you."
"Shut the fuck up Craig."