Author: JeeSun
Category: CJ/Toby, Angst
Summary: She didn't remember when she had stopped caring.
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me.
Feedback: Yes please. Jee__Sun@hotmail.com
* * * * *
She looked up and at herself in the mirror. She wanted to crush the image she saw. It was the image of a woman on her way down. A woman with dark circles under her eyes, a woman who had lost the spark in her eyes, a woman that everyone now watched carefully to argue with.
She took a deep breath and looked down again, at her hands under the pouring water. She took some more soap. She had gained weight and it was notable. Her face was more puffy and she could hardly wear her old clothes anymore. It was long ago since she had been working out, on 'her own time' from five to six a.m. in the morning. She heard someone flush in one of the small toilets. She looked up and saw Donna in the mirror. Donna almost took a step back when she noticed who was standing by the sink. Then she slowly walked over and began to wash her hands silently. She looked up hesitantly several times.
"Is everything okay?" She finally asked.
"Sure, why wouldn't it be?" It had become her standard answer lately.
Donna slowly nodded and left her alone. Once again she took a deep breath before following Donna.
* * * * *
She was in her office. She had tons of things to do but she didn't care. She didn't remember when she had stopped caring. All she knew was that it was long ago. She looked at Gail who swam in her bowl. She almost wished she was a fish. That little she cared.
"CJ?"
She looked up. Carol. Even Carol had begun to look awkward when she was around her. Now she stood in the door, almost outside her office with a bunch of files in her arms.
"Time for the afternoon-briefing."
"Has something important happened?"
Carol knew what was coming and slowly shook her head.
"Can you have Henry do it for me, please?"
Carol knew it was no point in questioning why. Carol also knew, as everyone else, including CJ, that if she continued this, she'd soon be out of the West Wing. But CJ didn't care. She had stopped caring long ago.
"Toby won't like it," was all Carol said.
"Toby doesn't like anything," CJ snapped, then laughed a little.
Carol left her alone, just like Donna had done earlier. They were all leaving her, and it was her fault. It was she who pushed them away. But she didn't care. Not anymore.
* * * * *
He had been in her office for five minutes now. She knew because she looked at the clock on her desk several times, just to keep busy while he was yelling at her. He hadn't closed her door so she saw the people's, that passed outside, curious eyes. But she didn't care. They already knew. They knew she was on her way down. That she was a wreck.
"CJ," his voice suddenly became soft. "What's going on with you?"
She looked up at him, for the first time since he had entered fuming with anger. Now the anger in his eyes was gone. All she saw was a worried and helpless man.
She smiled slightly. "Toby, it's nothing."
Toby just nodded, even though they both knew that wasn't true. He suddenly turned and left.
* * * * *
She was in her living room, watching a crappy movie she rented on her way home. The pizza-box was thrown on the middle of the floor. So unlike the old CJ, but things were changed now. She poured up another, she had lost count long ago, glass of wine.
Someone knocked on the door.
"It's open."
A few seconds later he entered her apartment. He looked down at her, sitting on the floor with a glass of wine in her hand and the bottle on the floor next to her.
"You shouldn't keep your apartment unlocked this time of night."
"Toby, I don't care." And she didn't.
Toby picked up the pizza-box and put it on the table. Then he sat down on the couch.
"CJ..."
She quickly turned to him with an angry look. "Don't start again! Nothing's wrong!"
The fact that she was actually yelling at him made him happy. It was the first sign of that she was still alive that he had seen in weeks. He couldn't help to smile.
"What?" She yelled.
"You're beautiful," he said simply
This time she looked even angrier. "What? Why are you saying that?"
"Because you are." He smiled.
She turned away from him and drank up the rest in her glass and began to pour up another glass. "Toby, I'm not beautiful," she said slowly and quietly.
He joined her at the floor and took her hand in his. At first she tried to pull away, but he held it tightly. "What's really going on?"
She refused to look at him even though she felt his warm, dark eyes looking at her.
A single tear ran down her cheek. "I have nothing to care about."
He put a hand under her chin and turned her head towards him. She looked down, but he kept searching her eyes. "I've stopped caring long ago. I want to resign."
"And do what?" She was surprised at how softly he spoke.
"Don't know. Just get out of here. Go away."
He let go of her face and she turned to look at the TV, even though she really wasn't. She cried silently and hoped he couldn't see it in the dark. Of course he did, because it was Toby. He gently brushed away her tears.
"You know, I stopped caring once. Just wanted to leave, wanted to be left alone."
Now she turned to him, but this time he didn't look back.
"What happened?"
"You." He looked up at her and smiled slightly. "I remember who I cared about the most. CJ, why can't you let me help you the same way you helped me all those years ago?"
She smiled. "I didn't even know I was helping you." Her smile faded. "I just... I have nothing. I don't have anything, Toby. When I wake up in the morning I long for the night so I can go back to sleep again. I'm alone, Toby. And I want to be alone. I don't care. I don't care how I look, I don't care about my job, I just want to go away."
"I'm not going to let you."
She sighed. "I thought you'd say so. I'm not going anywhere. Not until someone will fire me, which I guess, will happen pretty soon." She was silent for a while. "I just want something. Something that makes me long for the day instead of the night."
He took her hand and kissed her knuckles softly, before whispering. "You can have me."
THE END
Category: CJ/Toby, Angst
Summary: She didn't remember when she had stopped caring.
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me.
Feedback: Yes please. Jee__Sun@hotmail.com
* * * * *
She looked up and at herself in the mirror. She wanted to crush the image she saw. It was the image of a woman on her way down. A woman with dark circles under her eyes, a woman who had lost the spark in her eyes, a woman that everyone now watched carefully to argue with.
She took a deep breath and looked down again, at her hands under the pouring water. She took some more soap. She had gained weight and it was notable. Her face was more puffy and she could hardly wear her old clothes anymore. It was long ago since she had been working out, on 'her own time' from five to six a.m. in the morning. She heard someone flush in one of the small toilets. She looked up and saw Donna in the mirror. Donna almost took a step back when she noticed who was standing by the sink. Then she slowly walked over and began to wash her hands silently. She looked up hesitantly several times.
"Is everything okay?" She finally asked.
"Sure, why wouldn't it be?" It had become her standard answer lately.
Donna slowly nodded and left her alone. Once again she took a deep breath before following Donna.
* * * * *
She was in her office. She had tons of things to do but she didn't care. She didn't remember when she had stopped caring. All she knew was that it was long ago. She looked at Gail who swam in her bowl. She almost wished she was a fish. That little she cared.
"CJ?"
She looked up. Carol. Even Carol had begun to look awkward when she was around her. Now she stood in the door, almost outside her office with a bunch of files in her arms.
"Time for the afternoon-briefing."
"Has something important happened?"
Carol knew what was coming and slowly shook her head.
"Can you have Henry do it for me, please?"
Carol knew it was no point in questioning why. Carol also knew, as everyone else, including CJ, that if she continued this, she'd soon be out of the West Wing. But CJ didn't care. She had stopped caring long ago.
"Toby won't like it," was all Carol said.
"Toby doesn't like anything," CJ snapped, then laughed a little.
Carol left her alone, just like Donna had done earlier. They were all leaving her, and it was her fault. It was she who pushed them away. But she didn't care. Not anymore.
* * * * *
He had been in her office for five minutes now. She knew because she looked at the clock on her desk several times, just to keep busy while he was yelling at her. He hadn't closed her door so she saw the people's, that passed outside, curious eyes. But she didn't care. They already knew. They knew she was on her way down. That she was a wreck.
"CJ," his voice suddenly became soft. "What's going on with you?"
She looked up at him, for the first time since he had entered fuming with anger. Now the anger in his eyes was gone. All she saw was a worried and helpless man.
She smiled slightly. "Toby, it's nothing."
Toby just nodded, even though they both knew that wasn't true. He suddenly turned and left.
* * * * *
She was in her living room, watching a crappy movie she rented on her way home. The pizza-box was thrown on the middle of the floor. So unlike the old CJ, but things were changed now. She poured up another, she had lost count long ago, glass of wine.
Someone knocked on the door.
"It's open."
A few seconds later he entered her apartment. He looked down at her, sitting on the floor with a glass of wine in her hand and the bottle on the floor next to her.
"You shouldn't keep your apartment unlocked this time of night."
"Toby, I don't care." And she didn't.
Toby picked up the pizza-box and put it on the table. Then he sat down on the couch.
"CJ..."
She quickly turned to him with an angry look. "Don't start again! Nothing's wrong!"
The fact that she was actually yelling at him made him happy. It was the first sign of that she was still alive that he had seen in weeks. He couldn't help to smile.
"What?" She yelled.
"You're beautiful," he said simply
This time she looked even angrier. "What? Why are you saying that?"
"Because you are." He smiled.
She turned away from him and drank up the rest in her glass and began to pour up another glass. "Toby, I'm not beautiful," she said slowly and quietly.
He joined her at the floor and took her hand in his. At first she tried to pull away, but he held it tightly. "What's really going on?"
She refused to look at him even though she felt his warm, dark eyes looking at her.
A single tear ran down her cheek. "I have nothing to care about."
He put a hand under her chin and turned her head towards him. She looked down, but he kept searching her eyes. "I've stopped caring long ago. I want to resign."
"And do what?" She was surprised at how softly he spoke.
"Don't know. Just get out of here. Go away."
He let go of her face and she turned to look at the TV, even though she really wasn't. She cried silently and hoped he couldn't see it in the dark. Of course he did, because it was Toby. He gently brushed away her tears.
"You know, I stopped caring once. Just wanted to leave, wanted to be left alone."
Now she turned to him, but this time he didn't look back.
"What happened?"
"You." He looked up at her and smiled slightly. "I remember who I cared about the most. CJ, why can't you let me help you the same way you helped me all those years ago?"
She smiled. "I didn't even know I was helping you." Her smile faded. "I just... I have nothing. I don't have anything, Toby. When I wake up in the morning I long for the night so I can go back to sleep again. I'm alone, Toby. And I want to be alone. I don't care. I don't care how I look, I don't care about my job, I just want to go away."
"I'm not going to let you."
She sighed. "I thought you'd say so. I'm not going anywhere. Not until someone will fire me, which I guess, will happen pretty soon." She was silent for a while. "I just want something. Something that makes me long for the day instead of the night."
He took her hand and kissed her knuckles softly, before whispering. "You can have me."
THE END