I don't know how long I laid there holding Jessi in my arms. It had taken a while for her to finally fall sleep and I prayed that her dreams would take her away from here and take her somewhere where there was no logic or pain, but only happiness.
I thought of how I felt when Amanda had broken up with me, how it tore my heart, but that was nothing compared to this feeling. I felt like my heart had been crushed into a million pieces and those millions of pieces were being torched with fire. That was the only way I could describe it.
A few hours earlier, while we were at the dance, I remember Jessi, smiling self consciously, almost unsure, but I told her she looked beautiful and there were no other words, but now, as she laid there looking vulnerable, it was then that I wish I would have savored that moment earlier a little more.
Questions filled my mine and I hoped that my thoughts were wrong, but in some way, I hoped they were right also because if Sara had been kidnapped, or worse killed, that would mean that she didn't just leave Jessi like a cold hearted monster.
Jessi was right, we were connected but somehow I could not imagine what she was going through or feeling. I don't know if she was shielding herself from me or it was just that my heart could not comprehend this whole situation. She shifted slightly in her sleep and clutched on to me like she was afraid so I responded without thinking and started caressing her hand and arm in an attempt to comfort her and it worked. Her heart beat was slightly decreasing to normal but my breath caught as I became mesmerized, drowning out everything but just us and listened to our hearts that were not beating as one but with different rhythm.
It was only then did I really think about Amanda and I knew that I should have felt guilty having another girl in my arms, I wish I could say it was only to comfort her and nothing more but my heart told me different. What drew me to Amanda was the sound of her music, but with Jessi, the first time I had ever saw her, I felt that connection, that charge. Like a positive atom being attracted to a negative one, I was drawn to her, unable any longer to resist the idea that maybe, like the fortune teller had said, she was my soul mate.
I didn't want to sleep, not because I was in a bed instead of my tub, but because I wanted to make this memory last as long as I could. So I continued to lay there and memorize everything I could about her from the curve of her face to the texture of her skin. However subconsciously I heard her calling out to me and before long my eyes could no longer stay open. I don't know if it was because we were both touching physically or if I was unknowingly reading her mind but as I fell into slumber, I also fell into Jessi's dream.
She was standing there, on top of the roof and there was no one around, it was just us.
"Did you invade my dreams on purpose Kyle?" She asked without turning around.
I walked closer to her, "No, if I did then it was not on purpose. I wouldn't do that." I said, though I think she already knew that.
Jessi nodded her head and just stood there, looking out in the distance. "I read that in a lucid dream, you can manipulate the experiences in the environment. Though I'm standing here, aware that I'm dreaming but I can't bring her back."
Words failed me and I didn't know what to say so instead I walked to her and stood beside her, looking at her tear stained face that broke my heart all over again. "Kyle, right now I don't want you pity so please stop looking at me like that."
"I'm not pitying you Jessi, I just wish you didn't have to go through this, you don't deserve this." I said gently but Jessi laughed bitterly.
"I didn't tell anyone this, but Brian told my why I was created and it wasn't to surpass you or be better than you. If you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly a good person. He said I was created to be like a weapon, a powerful smart weapon and that if I trained, nothing could stop me."
"But you have a choice Jessi; you could be anything you want, just like me." I said, trying to get through to her.
She stepped away from me, letting space between us. "You were saved Kyle, Adam and Foss saved you and broke you out of that pod and did everything they could to protect you. The only reason why I'm still here is because Foss tried to destroy everything, including me but I somehow survived. What did you think I didn't know? Brain told me everything. And the more I think about, the more I wished I didn't survive because at least then, Sara would have been ok."
"Don't say that!" I said out of anger but I didn't care. "Don't you dare say you wish you wasn't here." I tried to calm down but I couldn't and I felt the roof under my feet slightly shake.
"Why? You don't believe in lying, at least I'm telling the truth!" And before I could even think to say something, Jessi took off and jumped from the roof, landing perfectly.
She didn't even look back as she continued to run but I didn't hesitate to run after her. I didn't know where she was running to but I didn't care, I just pushed myself as hard as I could.
I calculated that slowly I was catching up to her and eventually I did but instead of getting in front of her to stop her like last, I wrapped my arms around her and stopped only to fall and land on my back with her struggling.
"Stop Jessi." But she didn't so I wrapped my legs around hers, stopping them from thrashing out but it seemed to only anger her more.
"Let me go!" She yelled up I didn't budge. Jessi grabbed my hands and started to pull them apart but I didn't want to let her go but Jessi was slightly stronger and as she broke away from my grasp, she jumped up, about to start running again. However I got up and grabbed her arm, "Just leave Kyle." She said but I shook my head.
She reared back and hit me in my jaw and I didn't even bother to try and stop her. I thought that she would find some relief or comfort from hitting me, letting some of her anger out, but I was wrong, it only made her angrier. "Why didn't you block that?" she asked, pushing my away physically but I held my ground.
"I don't want to fight you." I said calmly and she reared back to hit my again but I pulled her to me and hugged her as tight as I could, not caring that she was trying to get me to let go.
I bent down and kissed her neck, feeling her racing pulse beneath my lips and she froze completely. I don't know why I did it but I didn't try to figure it out because I felt comfort feeling her pulse and in having her in my arms. I pulled back slightly to look at her and she looked up at me with shock and confusion. "Why did you do that?" She asked, sounding so vulnerable.
"I don't know." I answered honestly. "I just reacted."
Slowly without thinking, I started to lean down, bout to kiss her again, except this time, I wanted to kiss her on the lips and instead of last time, I didn't want there to be an excuse to help Amanda to do it. But slowly as the same time, Jessi started to disappear until she was completely gone and it made me wonder if I was only dreaming or if I was actually in Jessi's dream.
I stood there for a long time, it seemed, trying to figure out why on an impulse would I want to be with Jessi when I was happy with Amanda. But then I started to wonder, if I was really happy, then why would I feel this way? It was all confusing and there was no logic to understand how I had feelings for two girls.
I could only hope that with time, things would become clearer.
I felt myself started to wake up and instantly I felt something was wrong. "Jessi?" I looked around but I didn't see her anywhere and I instantly missed the warmth that was lying beside me.
Were Jessi and I designed to be together, like Adam and Sara? Or was it just by chance that we would both find mutual feelings. Did our past have an influence on it or was it just the way things worked? Unexplainable? I shook my head and got up, remembering my promise to Jessi to find out what happened to Sara, I intended to keep that promise, even if I somehow knew the truth was going to be hard.