Images of Maura swirl around my head like a hulking vortex, swallowing me whole. It takes everything in me not to call her and beg her to take me back. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't function without Maura in my life. She hates me so much that she couldn't bare to live in the same city as me anymore. Maura moved clear across the country to separate herself from me.

Los Angeles is perfect for her, though, and I know she'll fit in there. At least I hope she does. I haven't left my couch in 5 days. I am in constant pain, around the clock, all day and all night. Tears won't fall down my cheeks anymore because I have nothing left inside of me. Mentally, I wait for Maura to correct me and spout off a medical phenomenon taking place in my body. It takes a moment for me to realize that her voice will never come and the disappointment rams into my chest like an angry bull.

The space between my fingers feel so cold and forgotten without Maura's hand to embrace them. Her soft, pale skin welcoming the rare iridescent sunbeams in the dead of winter. Maura has the uncanny ability to turn rain into blue skies with just a flash of her smile. Maura was my sunshine and good-luck charm. Now that she's gone, I see nothing but cold weather and dead dreams.

A knock at my door startles me, but I just lie motionless on the couch. Whoever it is can shove it because I'm not moving half an inch in that direction. "Janey! Open this door! This is your mother!" My Ma doesn't know when to quit. I just want to wallow in silence, without distraction or company. Leave me the fuck alone, Ma...

I cover my ears with my hands and shut my eyes tight, submerging myself into lonely darkness. Nothing is worse than wanting to be alone. Actually, wanting to be alone and having someone bother you is worse. If only Maura was the one knocking and calling for me... I wouldn't be able to get to the door fast enough!

As I ignore the banging on my front door, I relive every beautiful memory of Maura that I hold. Our first kiss is probably my favorite memory to replay. The soft moonlight complimented every feature of her face as we walked along the beach. Coastal breeze played with Maura's hair, filling the air with her floral scent. A gentle fog crept low over the water's surface, setting an eerie, yet romantic ambiance. Our fingers found comfort laced together, connecting us with ease.

With the tide rolling in, licking our feet, I turned my face to hers. Maura's big hazel eyes had an underlying intensity, as if they were coaxing me, daring me to kiss her. We stopped walking and she stood in front of me, our eyes lost in each other. There we stood, blinking anxiously at each other, and I glanced at her lips longingly.

My hands wrapped around her small waist and I slowly pulled Maura close to me. Her fingers slid up to my face, willing our mouths to meet in the soft glowing moonlight. We were eye to eye, just floating in each others sinful gaze. My heart was pounding with anticipation and I bit my lip nervously. The innocent, fiery passion shining through Maura's eyes sent me over the edge. Remembering to breathe was hard enough in her presence, but breathing while she's wrapped in my arms was quite a task.

Her cold fingertips gently stroke my bottom lip, freeing it from my teeth. Gradually our faces pull together, like attracted magnets, like gravity pushing us until we collided. Maura's lips were soft and sweet, melding perfectly with mine. The kiss was slow and powerful and it knocked the wind out of me. I want that back. Overwhelmed with emotion, I pulled back just enough to look at Maura's beautiful face. Shuddering, lustful breaths wracked our bodies against one another.

Maura kissed me again, holding my face in position with her thin fingers. Three more quick pecks from her lips to mine. I smiled because for the first time, I was truly happy. Bliss made my stomach warm; a small fire igniting within me. Lights dipped along the waves separating the dark sea and the night sky. Maura and I stood huddled together, braving the chilly ocean air, watching the ship lights play across the horizon. I can still hear the waves break around us and the distant call of a ship's horn out at sea. I can still feel the frigid wind biting at my cheeks and Maura's warm body pressed against mine. I can still see the moonlight cast on the ocean's surface, rippling with each tumbling wave onto the shore. I can still smell the crisp saltiness of the sea mingling gently with Maura's radiating floral scent.

Finally, the knocking at my door subsides and I roll onto my stomach, burying my face into the couch cushion. Regardless of my beautiful memories of Maura, I have to try to accept the fact that I no longer have her. She isn't mine to cherish anymore and my only regret is not loving her more. I couldn't have possibly loved her any deeper, but maybe if I had we would still be together. I took for granted being able to kiss her lips whenever I wanted. I never knew that living without Maura would be so disgustingly apathetic and lifeless. Time won't pass and I feel like I'm stuck reliving the same horrible day over and over again. Nothing helps, not even drowning myself in beer.

-

Rain slaps against my bedroom window and thunder rumbles over head. Wind howls and whistles through bare tree branches, making the temperature drop. The stormy weather matches my current mood. I feel dead inside, like every beautiful thing in this world has been stripped from my grasp. Everything inside of me is dry, dead and dark. I try so very hard to be myself on the surface, but deep down I am haunted by an unbearable agony. Thoughts of Jane burn my senses like a white-hot fire. I trusted her.

The worst part of our separation is that I could have prevented it. As theoretically impossible as it may seem, I know that there must have been something I could have done to stop her. I hate Los Angeles. I just want to go home to Boston and back to Jane. I want so desperately to forgive her, but in the back of my mind, I know I never will. Some wounds cannot be healed, even with time.

Periodically, I have to convince myself that I made the right choice, that I don't physically need Jane. But I do. Every atom and cell of my being needs Jane. I long to lose myself in her deep, brown eyes, to dive into their uncharted waters. Something so intense and passionate lies at their core, enticing and persuasive. I miss cracking all of her codes and kissing her soft pink lips. I need her wild hair falling around our faces, blocking out the rest of the world like thick curtains.

I remember the exact moment when I fell in love with Jane. She had taken me to a baseball game on the hottest day of the year. The sun was beating down on our backs, burning its light into our skin. Sunscreen, hotdogs and alcohol lingered in the air, suffocating me. Camaraderie and team representation are the foundation of baseball. Jane's passion and understanding of the sport was intriguing to witness. There is something so unyieldingly beautiful in watching someone else's pleasure. I was miserable for the most part, but it is one of my very favorite memories. I realized that the only thing making me stay was Jane's happiness.

Her eyes danced over each play of the game. She spoke with enthusiasm as she tried her best to explain to me the rules of baseball. The gentle, pulsating light in Jane's brown eyes was enough to make me stay. I knew I loved her then, because I would have stayed in the stadium for a thousand years just to bring out her dimples. In that moment, I would have surrendered everything in my life just to hear her laugh. In that moment, Jane was everything to me. She still is...

As the sweltering and harsh sunlight dipped behind the stadium walls, the air grew colder until I was practically shivering. The game was in something called "triple overtime", which is, apparently, a big deal. My fingers were lonely and cold dangling in the air next to my thighs. Jane's scarred hand brushed against my skin, tempting my cold fingers. A gentle breeze caresses my exposed skin, sending chills throughout my entire body.

I shifted my standing body enough to chance a glance at Jane. The chilly night breeze swept Jane's curly locks back and out of her face. The bright artificial lamps illuminated her angular features, and I was drawn to her beauty like a moth to flame. In an instant, the crowd erupted into a delighted frenzy. Jane thrust her arms into the air and looked to me with unadulterated joy. For a moment, the entire outside world floated away. In that moment, Jane was everything and I only saw her gorgeous face.

"Maura! We won!" Jane shouts to me over the booming cheers. I had yet to see this magnitude of happiness etched into Jane's face. She radiated, like a slow-burning fire, her embers crackling and emanating warmth. I threw my arms up and let out a victorious holler, genuinely elated.

Jane smirks at me and I blush, blinking my eyes flirtatiously. My heart alive and pulsating wildly with heightened adrenaline. The stands continue to thump with outcries of joy, strangers becoming the best of friends as they celebrate together. The man to my immediate left wrapped his burly arms around my waist and lifted me from the ground. The act took me by complete surprise and my wide eyes flitted to Jane. A quick flash of her shiny badge, changed the man's mind and he rightfully put my feet back on the ground. Jane shook her head in exasperation, her eyes downcast.

Seeing Jane so undeniably jubilant, but also so defeated left me distraught. Could Jane have felt the underlying passion in my eyes? Could she possibly have felt the pulsating tug of my heart, like Earth's gravitational pull? Without a definitive conclusion, I wrap my arms around Jane's neck. Instantly, I felt the weight of the world melt from my shoulders. Jane stood motionless for a nanosecond, contemplating my sudden embrace.

I felt her abdomen inhale sharply against my own as Jane folded her arms across my back. Her flat palms, stretched out to hold me, emitted a sensational pressure on my clothed back. Our embrace was sensual and foreboding and I knew that my friendship with Jane would not be the same after that night. Lavender scented shampoo filled my nose as I buried my face in Jane's thick hair.

The memory makes me smile through my thick, streaming tears. My heart aches for Jane, but my mind pushes her away. I feel like the sand of the ocean's floor; suffocated and stagnant. Suffocated by emotion and held stagnant by wonderful memories of Jane. The distance between Jane and I means nothing because she will forever remain a part of me. I need to go home to Boston. No, Maura, give California a chance...give it a few months...or at the very least a month.

I close my eyes, desperate to rid my mind of this constant battle of will. I stroke the soft sheets covering my mattress, feeling their emptiness. Exhaustion pulls at my eyelids and sinks deep within my core, submerging me deeper and deeper into my mattress. The steady pitter patter of raindrops on my window lulls me into a dreamless sleep.

**I hope you all like the first chapter! Comments are highly appreciated and mot welcome, even if they're critical. I love to hear your feedback! Thanks for reading! If this gets 10 reviews, I'll post another chapter tonight.**