Hey, guys!
I posted this because I am taking a break from my other story, and I thought this would be fun to post. I love this story, and one of my reviewers from my other story asked if I could write an Emmett x OC story. Sadly, I cannot, for it sucks. But, I can write this!
So, please read and [hopefully] enjoy!
Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Twilight.
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Emmett paced the floor of the living room, growling to himself. Why was it so difficult to find something to do?
Esme was in the garden, probably planting some supernatural plant thingy that she could use to take over the world. Or so Emmett suspected.
Alice had kidnapped Nessie for a shopping trip, and wouldn't be back for days; weeks, if she could help it.
His wife Rose was in their room, admiring her long silky locks in the mirror. Go figure, Emmett thought.
Edward was making hot fudgy love to Bella right now. How did Emmett know? Super sensitive hearing, of course. He's not a pervert!…kind of.
And lastly, Carlisle had taken emo Jasper out for a three-day hunt so that he could learn how to control himself. It was never any fun when he couldn't tease Jasper about his girlyness! Seriously, was Carlisle going to tease him about his guy-liner right when he went in for the kill? Emmett thinks not.
Emmett let out a huge gust of air, and fell back onto the couch. There was a loud squealing sound, and the legs of the sofa snapped into halves. Emmett winced when he heard an indignant screech from outside.
"Emmett!" Esme shrilled. Oh, boy.
His adopted mother flew into the room—much like Superman, Emmett noticed—and stopped to stand in front of him, hands on hips.
"Oh my God! You are Superman!" Emmett squealed, clapping his hands. Esme, faster than Emmett could spell hippopotamus, reached into her handy fanny pack and brought out her spray bottle of doom.
"Bad! Bad, Emmett!" she scolded, spraying him in the face. He choked on the liquid, trying to bat away at the bottle.
"No! Not Liquid Grow!" he shrieked. "I'm melting! Meltiiiinnnngggg…" Emmett slid to the floor, and huddled into fetal position. His body convulsed as he gurgled.
"Emmett, you aren't melting," Esme pointed out flatly. Emmett stopped twitching long enough to look at himself and see that he was, in fact, not melting.
"Oh my God, Superman! You're a healer, too?!"
"No I'm not!" Esme denied, but Emmett knew it was true.
"Don't worry, Clark! I won't tell your secret! But, one thing I don't understand: does Carlisle know? 'Cause I know you two do the hippety-dippety a lot, so he's gotta know! So, that means," Emmett gasped loudly. "Carlisle's gay! I knew a guy with hair that perfect couldn't be straight! So, tell me: who's on top? I—"
"Enough!" Esme boomed. The house shook, and outside the birds squawked in fear and scattered. Emmett shook in front of his mother, terrified. "I am not Clark Kent! Do you understand?!"
Frightfully, Emmett nodded his head. Esme smiled sweetly, and her voice returned to normal. "Emmy, dear? Could you tell me who I am, then?"
"You're God!" Emmett marveled. The smile faded from Esme's lovely face and was replaced by a heart-stopping scowl.
"Get out!" Esme boomed again, and Emmett squealed. He scrambled off the floor and ran outside, dry sobbing loudly.
"God has banished me from Heaven!"
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Emmett skipped through the woods, eyes seeking. Finally he reached the cottage where the erotic sounds of hot sweaty love making originated. He wiggled his hips in excitement—that's what Jacob usually did when he saw Nessie, or if he was dancing to Hannah Montana. Either or.
Emmett wrapped on the door politely. When the noises didn't stop, Emmett stepped back a little, then kicked the door off its hinges.
"Honey, I'm home!" he boomed. Not waiting for a reply, he pranced off to his brother's room, ignoring Bella's terrified scream.
"Have room for another?" Emmett asked. "Well, if you insist!" He belly flopped between the two of them, and snuggled with the naked vampires.
"Emmett!" Edward roared. Emmett looked at his enraged brother, but didn't find him particularly frightening, especially since he was trying to cover himself up with sheets.
"'Sup, my brotha from anotha motha? Give me fist!" Emmett said in his macho voice, holding out his balled up fist. Edward glowered at him.
"Don't be shy, my brah! We cool, ain't we?" Emmett asked. Edward sighed loudly, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger.
"What do you want now, Emmett?" he asked exasperatedly.
"Oo! I want a pony, a platypus, your wife—"
"Emmett!" Bella shrilled.
"Just kidding! Besides, who on earth would want you?" Emmett asked. He turned back to Edward. "My brother! I am in desperate need of some manly companionship!"
Edward sighed again. "What for?"
"To help me take over the world before Esme does!" Emmett said, shifty-eyed. Now that Esme was God, he would have to be on the lookout for her.
"Emmett, Esme is not going to take over the world," Edward assured his brother, but Emmett wasn't having any of that.
"Oh no! She's gotten to you, too! Why? Why?!" he sobbed. "My only brother! Damn you, Esme!"
"But Emmett, isn't Jasper your brother, too?" Bella asked. Emmett scoffed, flopping onto his other side to stare at her condescendingly.
"Bella," he said. "Jasper is not a man; he's a little girl. Now, why don't you make yourself useful and go get hunted down by a crazed vampire or something?"
"Emmett, I'm a vampire now, too. Remember?"
"Oh My Esme! I don't remember! What was I doing?!"
Flashback:
Oh yeah
Come on!
You get the limo out front
Hottest styles, every shoe, every color
Yeah, when you're famous it can be kinda fun
It's really you but no one ever discovers…
"No, no Jake!" Emmett scolded. "You move your hips like this!" For demonstration, Emmett wiggled his hips in a circle. "You know, like Shakira!"
Jake watched Emmett for a moment before imitating his movement. After a few more repeats of the song, Jake turned to Emmett with a concerned expression.
"Do you think Bella's going to be okay?" he asked.
"…Who?"
End Flashback
"Oh!" Emmett said. "Now I remember!"
"Emmett, should I be concerned that you taught Jake how to dance to Hannah Montana?" Edward asked, and Bella smothered a giggle.
"Be gone, Lucifer!" Emmett screeched, throwing a Bible at Bella. It hit her directly on the forehead, and she snarled at him nastily.
"Why don't you go play with fire or something, Emmett?" Bella growled, rubbing her head self-consciously. The light bulb dinged above Emmett's head, and he clapped happily.
"Oh, golly gee whiz, Bella! You gave me the perfect idea!" he giggled. He jumped off the bed, yanking the sheets with him. Edward and Bella screamed in horror, grabbing ripped up shreds of pillows to cover themselves.
Emmett rolled his eyes. "Edward, you don't need to cover up. I've seen you before!"
"You have?" Bella and Edward asked simultaneously.
"Yeah!" Emmett exclaimed. "I saw Edward in the shower, and, well, let's just say that he has a lot of growing to do! But you already know that, right Bella?" With that, he skipped merrily out of the house, giggling as he formulated his plans for the day.
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"Come on. Light up!" Emmett whined. The sheets he had stolen from his brother and that girl—Emmett forgot her name, again—wouldn't light up! He had it spread out on the ground in the woods and he had what humans call a 'lighter'. But why would they call it a lighter if it didn't light things up?
"Light up!" Emmett shrieked, throwing the lighter at the sheet. Nothing. He got down on the grass and glared down at the offensive lighter. "You shall light up!" he screamed at it. Nothing.
"Oh, a wise guy, eh?" Emmett asked. "Well, how do you like this?" Without waiting for an answer, he covered it with part of the sheet and proceeded to 'smother' it. "Now, tell me how to light you up!" he bellowed. The lighter was quiet, and Emmett pressed down harder. "Come on! Tell me!" Nothing. Emmett growled in frustration and pulled back the sheet. The lighter sat there, mocking him.
"How can you resist that?" Emmett whined. "I always give in and tell Esme where her Miracle Grow is when she does that to me!"
"What are you doing?"
Emmett gasped, and clutched the lighter in his hands excitedly.
"Light-y! You finally speak to me!" he squealed.
"Uh, no, Emmett. Turn around," commanded the voice, and Emmett did so. Sadly, it was just Jake standing behind him. He raised an eyebrow at Emmett.
"Oh, Jakey-poo!" Emmett cried. "The lighter is being so mean!" He let out a huge sob and wrapped his arms around Jake's legs. Jake bent down and patted his head comfortingly.
"What did it do?" he asked gently. Emmett pouted petulantly.
"It won't light up for me! It just sits there and says nothing! It's even worse than Rosalie when I steal her perfume!"
Jake scrunched his eyebrows. "Why would you steal her perfume?"
"We gangstas need to smell tight, yo! You know what I'm sayin'?" Emmett asked, and Jake nodded his head solemnly. He, too, knew how it felt to have his girlfriend mad at him when he stole her perfume.
"Hey, Jake? You were human once, right?"
"I'm still part human, Emmett," Jake said, rolling his eyes.
Emmett scoffed. "Honey, once you go black you never go back!" he said, snapping his fingers for emphasis, and giggled. "I saw that on the Tyra Banks show!"
"That's so true!" Jake said, high-fiving his friend.
"Don't distract me!" Emmett screeched. "Now, tell me! Do you know how to operate this magical contraption?!"
"Sure dude. You just take the lighter like this, then flip the switch, and…voila! You have fire!" And true to his word, a little flame popped up from the rectangle. Emmett bounced up and down, clapping his hands.
"Yay!" he squealed happily. "Now gimme!" Emmett snatched the lighter from the half-human, and the flame instantly disappeared.
"Jake! Jake! JAKE!"
"What's the problem, batman?!"
"The light has left me!" Emmett cried. "How do I make it come back? Do I have to say some magical words?!"
"I believe it helps to say 'Voila!' when you flip the switch," Jake advised grimly.
"Okay, okay," Emmett said, prepping himself. He put a finger down on the switch. "…VIOLA!—"
"No! It's 'Voila!' not 'Viola'!"
"…Vola?"
"No. Voila," Jake corrected.
"…Vishnu?" Emmett asked. Jake sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Voila, Emmett. V-O-I-L-A. Say it with me now: VWAH-LA."
"…No one likes a smartass, Jacob."
[Five hours later and too many idiotic attempts to count…]
"Okay, put your thumb on the button…"
"Uh-huh."
"And say the new magic word…"
"Totally."
"Then just press down and, BAM!, insta-fire!" Jake said, snapping his fingers. "You got that, Emmy-bear?"
"Obviously, my partner in love and crime!" Emmett said. He took the lighter from Jake gingerly and placed his thumb onto the switch. He took a deep breath.
"Alakazoo!" Emmett cried, smashing down the switch. A brilliant flame popped up from the lighter, and the boys started to dance in victory.
"Awesome-sauce!" Jake proclaimed, doing the running man.
"Totally!" Emmett agreed, pumping his fists in the air.
"Wait!" Jake cried loudly, and Emmett immediately stopped.
"What's wrong, Robin?!" Emmett asked, and Jake's eye twitched.
"We're missing something," was all he said. Emmett looked at him confusedly, forehead crinkling as he tried to understand what his companion meant.
"Like what?" Emmett finally asked, and Jake smiled mischievously.
"We're missing…a sacrifice."
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"Mmfrh mghmp!" Jasper cried through Emmett's hand.
"Dude, do you think Carlisle will notice that he's gone?" Jake asked, and Emmett snorted.
"Maybe, but he'll probably think Jasper went to go reapply his guyliner."
"Genius!" Jake praised, and Jasper snarled indignantly.
"Shut up!" Emmett shrieked, bonking Jasper on the head with his free hand. Jasper let out another growl, but remained still in his captive's grip.
"Yeah, that's right," Jake said. "He knows not to funk around with the gangstas of Washington! Boo-yah!"
"Damned straight! Now, light up that sheet!" Emmett ordered, and Jake bent down to light the white fabric on the forest floor. The edge of the sheet burnt slowly, but the fire didn't spread like Emmett thought it would.
"Huh," he huffed. "I guess vampire sex is flame retardant."
"Wait, what?" Jake asked confusedly.
"Oh! I didn't tell you? Yeah, I got this sheet from Eddie and that one chick while they were doing the horizontal tango."
Jake blinked once, then twice. "Dude," he said slowly. "You got this from Edward and Bella, and you didn't tell me about it?!"
"…Is that the girl's name?"
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After a brief scuffle, and an escape attempt from Jasper, Jake and Emmett finally got their acts together.
"Okay, Jake. You have a tight grip on the sacrifice?" Emmett asked, and Jake nodded his head grimly, tightening his grip around Jasper. "Keep him still; I've got to wrap this sheet around hi—"
"No!" Jasper screeched. "I don't want Bedward germs on me! No! Get it away! Noooo!" Alas, it was too late for our favorite emo vampire, and Emmett wrapped the offensive sheet around Jasper tightly. Jasper convulsed wildly, screeching at the top of his lungs. Jake took off his imaginary hat and saluted the poor vampire.
After a moment, the convulsions diminished to twitches, and then all movement stopped from Jasper. Emmett nudged him with the toe of his shoe, and he still didn't move.
"Dude," Jake said, wide-eyed. "I think he's dead."
"Dude," Emmett repeated. "Alice is going to kill us." Jake gasped wildly, waving his hands around excitedly.
"I saw this on a TV show once, dude!" he exclaimed. "All we have to do is get rid of the evidence!"
"Quick, Kool-Aid man! Tell me what we must do!"
"Okay, okay…first we've got to get rid of the body." Simultaneously, the boys looked down at the stilled body of Jasper. They looked back up at each other.
"Let's burn it."
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"I told you that vampire sex is flame retardant!" Emmett said as Jake tried to light up the sheet for the fifth time in vain. Jake sighed loudly.
"So, what do we do?" he asked. Emmett thought for a moment.
"We must…go see the Queen Elf."
[Five minutes later…]
"Rosie, baby! Open the door before the fuzz finds us!" Emmett cried, banging on their bedroom door. The door flew open, and there stood an irritable Rosalie.
"What?" she snapped.
"Baby! We're wanted men! Now, let us hide out in your room before the coppers come after us for our naughty deeds!"
"Em, baby," Rosalie said, raising an eyebrow. "Haven't we already played this game before?" Jake gagged, and Em rolled his eyes.
"I have no time for randy she-vamps, Rosalie! Now, help us!" he shoved his way in, Jake following closely behind him, dragging the covered Jasper. Rosalie looked at them incredulously as they threw Jasper onto their bed and proceeded to ransack her make-up drawers.
"Rose-baby, where do you keep your hair spray at?" Emmett asked, tossing an expensive-looking perfume out the window. Jake, on the other side of the room, picked up a stringy-lingerie, and shook his head in disgust.
"You need Jesus," he said.
"Jake! We have no time for your sexual adventures! Rosie, where's the hair spray?!"
"Why do you need my hairspray?" she hissed indignantly. Emmett whirled around to stare at her with wide, desperate eyes.
"We killed Jasper! And we need something flammable to counter the flame retardant of vampire sex!"
"You…killed Jasper?" Rosalie asked dubiously, and Jake nodded his head sadly.
"And we need to get rid of his body before Alice finds out!" Emmett cried. Finally, he found a can of hairspray—no thanks to Rosalie—and proceeded to spray the sheeted body down with it.
"Jake, you got the lighter, right?"
"Yeah."
"Rosalie, are you looking incredibly sexy?"
"Only always!"
"Okay, then," Emmett said. "We have everything we need to light this baby up! Stand back, you two. It's about to get hot in here!" He took the lighter from Jake, and held the flame up to the sheet. There was a crackling sound, and then a fizzle.
"Gah!" Jake cried. "Vampire sex is too strong!" There was a louder sound, and then the sound of a scream.
"Ki-yaaaahhh!" Alice screeched, slamming into Emmett.
"Holy cheese crackers!" Jake cried. "It's the fuzz!"
"Jacob!" Renesmee yelled. "Sit, boy!" Immediately, Jake plopped down onto the floor. Emmett guffawed under Alice's hits and scratches.
"Dude—Ow! Who wears the pants—ow!—in your relation—ow!—ship?"
"Silence, infidel!" Alice shrilled. "Gimme that!" She grabbed at the lighter, but Emmett fought back. The two wrestled on the floor, snatching and pulling each other's hair. There was a moan, and the sound of fabric rustling.
"Uuhh…wha…?" Jasper groaned from the sheets.
"Honey!" Alice yelled in relief, dodging Emmett's grasp. "You're alive!" Jasper moved around in his encasing, touching the inside of the fabric curiously.
"Where am I…at…" he paused before screaming, "Bedward germs! EW!"
"Jake, silence the sacrifice!" Emmett cried. Jake smashed his fist into Jasper's head, and then there was silence.
"Baby!" Alice cried. "Don't g—"
"What is going on in here?!" Esme boomed, flying—Superman style, of course—into the room. Emmett squeaked loudly, crawling under the bed. Esme snarled, grabbing at Emmett's legs and wrenching him out from hiding.
"I repent! I repent!" Emmett cried flailing in Esme's grasp. His leg smashed into Alice's hand, sending the lighter flying. It flew across the room with a clang, and the Cullen family watched in horror as it set Rosalie's closet on fire.
"Nooo!" Rosalie cried as the fire spread. "My precious! My precious!"
"I'm right here, Rosie!" Emmett said, throwing her over his shoulder. "Don't worry about me! Now, lets get out of this hellhole!" With a screeching Rosalie on his shoulder, he smashed threw the window and landed face first into the ground.
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"Bad, bad Emmett!" Esme scolded, spraying Windex in his face. With a soot covered face and singed hair, she looked like the devil. The family stood out in the front, surveying the pile of ashes that was once their magnificent mansion.
"Now where are we going to live?" Rosalie asked, pouting petulantly. The family sighed heavily in unison.
"Hmmm…." Emmett grumbled, thinking. The light bulb dinged over his head again, and he grinned. "Party at Edward's and What's-her-face's!"
And so, our family of vampires skipped merrily off into the wood to the little cottage where the sound of lovemaking could be heard.
THE END.
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Crap ending, right? xD [It was rushed, I know. But the one-shot was WAY too long for my liking.]
But, you can imagine the look on Edward's and Bella's faces when their families pops in to live with them, right?
Sadly, no Carlisle. I would have LOVED to incorporate him into the story, but he was off hunting. Mmm. Yummeh.
So, please review! Even if you totally hated it!