A/N: So I decided to try something new. "It's Not Your Fault" just wasn't getting the response I thought it would after posting the last 3 chapters. This new story was inspired by the song 'This Is A Call' by Thousand Foot Krutch, one of my all time favorite bands. I was a fan before they ever became popular. This song is very sad. TFK is a Christian Rock band and although I am Catholic, I am non-practicing. And although their songs are about faith as a Christian, I don't think I am going to have Bella or Edward be practicing Christians...The song has a line "Well if you're real then save me Jesus", and with that line, I think it is safe for me to sway from the religious aspect of the song. I am planning on this story being rated 'M' for it's sexual conduct, language, under-age alcohol use, and minor drug-use (marijuana).
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or it's characters, Stephenie Meyer does. Also, the song 'This Is A Call' belongs to Thousand Foot Krutch and the ringtone 'Be My Escape' belongs to Relient K. The poem at the bottom belongs solely to me, so please do not steal or reproduce it.
This is A Call
She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong,
but she still sleeps with her light on,
and she acts like
It's all right on, as she smiles again and her mother lies there sick with cancer,
and her friends don't understand her,
she's a question without answers,
who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she's so much more than worthless,
but she needs to find her purpose,
she wonders what she did to deserve this and...
Chapter 1 - Fake Smiles
Bella's POV
Here's to another day of high school. More than half-way through my Senior year! See. I can be a 'half glass full' kind of girl. I wasn't always a cynic for life. The past year has put a lot of strain on my life... well not just my life, but my family's life, too.
"AHHHHH! Bella!" Alice. I rolled my eyes as I stepped out of my truck. Here we go. Put on your game face, Bella.
"Aly! What's up?" I asked as Alice looked about ready to jump out of her skin as she approached me.
Oh, Alice. Miss Mary Alice Brandon was my best friend. We've known each other since we were in diapers. Alice is the shortest person I know. I'm not that tall myself, standing only 5'4", but Alice barely hits 5'. Her hair is long and brown like mine, just more curly than my simple wave. And her hazel eyes practically pop-out when she gets excited. She is very bubbly, that one. We are polar opposites in personality, but I think that's why we work as friends. I'm not saying that I'm shy by any means. I would classify it more as... reserved. Once you really get to know me, I've been known to be quite a firecracker. I don't let just anyone get to know me, though. Alice, on the other hand, is friends with just about everyone, no matter what 'clique' they are in. I'm just glad that she didn't expect me to do the same and that our friendship was just as strong as that day in the sandbox 17 years ago. Thankfully so, because without Alice, I don't think I would have been able to hide my emotional state from the public. I mean, Forks, Washington, was a small town, so it's not like everyone doesn't know everyone else. I'm actually surprised my family has been able to keep such a big secret for so long. But even though Alice is my best friend in the entire world, there are just some things that I have trouble talking about. Which leads to me throwing up this fake smile and pretending all is right in the world. I never want to see someone give me a look of pity the second they knew what was going on in my life.
"I GOT IN! Oh my God! I got into the Academy of Art University in San Francisco!" Alice exclaimed, jumping up and down. "I got my acceptance letter and all my orientation information yesterday. I tried to call you last night, but your phone went straight to voicemail."
Great! Now I feel like a shitty friend. Can't tell her I was at the hospital again last night and that's why my phone was off. So, let's try this... "Sorry, Al. I had a lot of homework and since my dad saw my last progress report, he took my phone until I finished," I said, trying to explain my reasons for being unreachable for what seems like the fourth time this month when something life changing has happened to my best friend. Looks to be working. When Alice seemed to be placated by my response, I continued, "But Al, that is so amazing! I am so happy that you got in. You are going to be a wonderful fashion designer."
"So did you get in anywhere yet?" Alice said, hinting at one specific college. She was not happy when I told her that I didn't want to leave the area for college. So when I told her I was just going to Peninsula College, in Port Angeles, so I could still live at home, she was not very happy. She wanted me to go to San Francisco with her. If I got into San Francisco State University, we would be within walking distance of each other. I filled out the application just to humor her, but never actually sent it in. I hated lying to her.
"Nope. Just Peninsula. I must have really let my grades slip last year." I shrugged my shoulders as we started to walk to class. That wasn't a lie. I almost failed a whole semester of my Junior year. I barely passed any of my classes, getting mostly D's and C's. My teacher's knew something was wrong when I all-of-a-sudden stopped doing the homework and slept through most of my classes. I knew the material, just didn't care to do the work. I passed only because I was able to Ace any quiz, test, or exam put in front of me. That was the only time I didn't sleep though class. My dad wasn't having any of that this year, though. I should have been at the top of my class come graduation. Now I'm sitting somewhere in 'Average Zone'. If I didn't get my GPA back above a 3.0, my dad said he would stop paying for my gas, my phone bill, and that I would have to start paying rent once I started college, meaning I would have to get a job. I refuse to be subjected to saying the dreaded phrase 'Do you want fries with that?', so I got my act together, and started to pretend to care about school again.
"There's still time. Maybe you'll get something this week." I really wish Alice would drop the whole college thing. It's not really on the top of my priority list these days.
I told her, "Yeah. Maybe," just to make it sound like I cared. I knew I was lacking a bit in the best friend field these past few months and I really hated doing that to Alice. I had to make it up to her somehow. We continued to walk to English together. Alice said 'hi' to a few people on our way, but stuck by me. I wonder if she knew what was really going on with me; that my facade wasn't as impenetrable as I thought. "So, Aly, maybe we could celebrate on Friday. Grab a few people, head down to First Beach and have a bonfire. I could maybe get Em to buy us a few kegs and what-not. He still owes me. I don't know how many times I covered for him while he was high school."
"AHH! You really think Emmett would do that? Oh, what am I saying? He loves you! Of course he would," Alice was going a mile a minute. She was in full party planning mode now. See, I can be a good friend. "Okay...it's a little late notice. 3 days to get invites out...it's doable," she said mostly to herself as we took our seats. We were watching Beowulf today, so I knew I was off the hook for further discussion until lunch.
Maybe a quick text to Em as a heads up. 'Hey bro, what are you doing Friday?'
Emmett is my big brother. He got out of Forks practically the second he graduated 3 years ago. Left for Seattle; for big city life. He got a scholarship at Seattle U for baseball while working on a BS in Sports and Exercise Sciences. He wants to be a doctor for the pros, if he doesn't make it himself. I missed him so much that first year. He never came to visit, not even during that first summer. I got a call every few days, but I just missed having my big, overprotected brother around. Aside from Alice, Em was my best guy friend. We did everything together. He didn't care about letting his dorky little sister tag along when our parents made him. He'd never tell his friends that, but I knew better.
Last year, when things began to get bad at home, Em had about a month or two left of school/baseball season before summer break. He wanted to be able to come straight home, to be with the family, but couldn't just drop baseball during 'postseason play'. The Redhawks had made it to the Super Regionals. First time in 13 years. They lost to UCLA in Game 3, which was in a 4-4 tie until the 13th inning. I was sad that his team lost, but so happy to have my brother home for that whole summer. Not so happy when Em kicked my ass after he found out I almost failed my second half of Junior year.
I haven't told him about Peninsula, yet. I know I'll hear an earful when he finds out. Em and I are anything, but dumb. We really both could have had our pick at colleges. He always said he wanted out of Forks, but I knew he couldn't stand to be too far away. Seattle was like moving all the way to the east coast for him. And for me, I would love to go to San Francisco with Alice, but I couldn't leave my mom or my dad right now. Maybe in two years, after I get my Associates, and my family's future is more clear.
Buzz Buzz
'Notta. Was thinkin bout goin 2 sorority prty. Wat up?' Wow, my brother sounds dumb in text form. That is a real pet peeve of mine. He really isn't dumb. It's just an... act if you will. His own facade for his friends and teammates. I guess it's not cool to be a brainiac or something like that.
So I responded, 'Did you forget how to spell and form coherent sentences when you went off to college? I was thinking about asking to cash in a favor or two.'
Buzz Buzz
'Oh, Whatever, Bells. What's the favor...or two?'
Maybe this will be easier than I thought. 'Bonfire, keg party at First Beach on Friday? You supply the keg and liquor? I can get you money. Please, please! For your favorite little sis?'
Buzz Buzz
'Wait! This is Bella, right? The perfect daughter who has never broken one rule, ever? No way!' So much for getting this done quickly. I am so glad that I have perfected the blind texting technique. I really don't need to get into trouble for trying to text in class.
'Oh God! You know better than that. I have partied with you in the past. Come on! Alice got into her first choice college and we want to celebrate.'
Buzz Buzz
'You're going to make me hang out with a bunch of high schoolers instead of a bunch of hot sorority girls?'
'Please *puppy eyes* :( You'll never owe me again.'
Buzz Buzz
'UGH!'
Buzz Buzz
'Fine! I want $50 when you get out of school on Friday, I'll pay for the rest. Speaking of school, hope you're paying attention & not ignoring your teachers again.'
Buzz Buzz
'Get back to WORK!' Have I mentioned how much I love my brother!
'Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you, Emmy Bear! I'll have the money... And It's just a movie. Not much to miss.'
Buzz Buzz
'Love you, too, Baby B. Tell Al congrats! See you Friday!'
...And there's the bell. Oops. I guess I'm going to have to rent it now.
"Hey Bells, think we need a movie night tomorrow?" Oh God, how I love my best friend! She must have been busy planning all hour.
I laughed when I told her that that sounds like the perfect plan, as long as we did it at her house. She hasn't been to my house in about a year...
I then told her all is 'Go' with Em, that we just needed to scrounge up $50, and that he said 'Congrats' on her admission.
"I love your brother! You should tell him to bring some friends, since he'll now be missing out on that sorority party. What's his roommates name? Jason or something?" Alice is so obvious sometimes.
"You mean Jasper. The star short-stop. Yeah, I can ask to see if Em wants to invite some of the guys." I just laughed at her attempt at nonchalance. Ever since Emmett invited his roommate over for a last hurrah before heading back to Seattle U this past summer, Alice practically melted at first sight. We all went to Port Angeles to hang out on the pier and at the beach. The second Jasper stripped off his shirt to go swim, I think her panties dropped. It didn't help that Jasper also is from Texas, so his southern accent and the whole country boy appeal totally won her over.
"Yeah, him. It's totally whatever. No big deal if you mention it to Em or not, but since we'll be at First Beach, it's not like there's not any room for more guests."
"I'll see what I can do, Aly." ...There's the warning bell... "I'll talk to you more later. Bye, Al."
The rest of the day went by quickly. Everyone was buzzing about the party this weekend. Alice works fast, but if anyone had any idea that I had anything to do with it, I would never have guessed. Being best friends with one of the most popular senior girls in Forks always astounded me. I am far from popular and most of the school barely knows I exist, not that I haven't been aspiring for invisibility for the last two years. I'm a pretty girl. Not the most beautiful, but definitely not ugly or ordinary. Brown wavy hair, dark chocolate brown eyes, slim build, average sized breasts...I'm not much for athletics or working out, in general, so I'm not really tone or anything. Just...average. I actually was quite popular Freshman year, but that was mostly Emmett's doing, having to bring me along to all the parties, and what-not, so the parentals would stay off his back. Of course he let me bring Alice along, too, so she was able to start her stardom of high school. Once Em left, though, I tried to slink into the background a bit, but Alice did everything to stay in the spotlight.
When Alice wasn't with me, she was with Miss Rosalie Hale, captain of the cheer squad, head of Homecoming and Prom committee, Student Body President...the list goes on. Rose is drop-dead gorgeous. She's a tall, skinny, busty, blonde hair, blue-eyed beauty queen, literally. I don't even know how many Little Miss Washington's or Miss Teen Queen's she won growing up. But even with being a beauty queen, Rose swears like a sailor, can drink the whole football team under the table, and her favorite class is Autos. Rose and I were closer in elementary school. Her, Alice, and I were almost inseparable, but we grew apart in middle school when she got her first boyfriend. He happened to be someone I had had a crush on since 2nd Grade. She knew that, but went after him anyways. Alice didn't want to have to choose between the two of us during the fight, but she picked my side since we were practically sisters and would have hated for our friendship to suffer most. Freshman year, Alice ended up having most of her classes with Rose, and so their friendship rekindled. Rose and I are pretty civil now, but not quite 'best friends'. I mean it was all pretty immature stuff back then, and neither of us are those people anymore.
On my way back to my truck, I actually ran into Rose, or she ran into me. Speak of the Devil and the Devil shall appear. Or I guess just thinking about the Devil works in this instance...
"Hey, Bella. How are you?" This is weird. The only time Rose and I have talked in the last 4 years, we had Alice as a buffer.
"Um, hey, Rose. I'm not bad. What's up?" This whole friendly facade thing keeps getting easier and easier. You'd never know that I was being torn apart on the inside.
"Not much. Hey, Alice told me that the whole party thing was your idea." Really, Alice? Not cool. I hope she only told Rose that I was behind the idea. "She also told me your brother was going to be there..." What does my brother have to do with this awkward conversation?
"Yeah. He just turned 21 a couple months ago, so I thought it would be nice to finally cash in some favors. I mean, it's all for Aly. She deserves a huge celebration."
"Oh, so he's just buying the alcohol? Um... Is he sticking around for the party?" And I didn't think this could get any more awkward. This is not the cool, confident Rosalie that everyone knows. This is an insecure, shy side that I never even saw when we used to be best of friends.
"I'm not sure, Rose. I was thinking about asking him to DD for Alice and me. And he may be bringing a few friends. Like I said, I have a lot of favors to cash in."
"Alright. Thanks." Say it with me: Awkward!
"No problem. Talk to you later, Rose." I turned to leave, but Rose stopped me again.
"Oh wait! Hey, my parents are going to be gone this weekend. I was planning on asking Alice to stay over before this whole party got planned up. What if after the party you, Al, Emmett and whoever he brings, come back to my place? It's better than getting caught drunk by any of our parents. And it's a good alibi."
Well, that may get Em to actually bring some friends *cough* Jasper *cough*, since he won't have to bring them back to our place. It sounds plausible. "Sure, Rose. I'll think about it. Let me talk to Em and Aly and I'll try to have an answer tomorrow."
"Thanks, Bella. Talk to you tomorrow."
"Bye, Rose."
Finally, I can leave. I am so done with school. Senioritis is in full swing. As I left the parking lot, I shot off a text to Em telling him to call me when he got a chance. I knew he was in class right now, so I didn't want to disturb him. I also didn't want to call Alice yet about Rose's suggestion until I asked Em about DDing or if Jasper wanted to come along. But I did text her to tell her I would be picking up Beowulf so we can watch it tomorrow.
When I got home, it was a quarter after five. Mom had started dinner, and it smelled wonderful. Dad should be home from the station soon. We looked like the perfect family. Mom and Dad happily married with two wonderful children, one that is off to school on scholarship and the other about to graduate and start college in the fall. No teenage pregnancies, no arrests...just perfect. Right!
My mom, Renee Swan, was the Middle School Art Teacher for Forks, up until last year, when she decided to take a 'leave-of-absence' with just one month left in the school year and has been a 'stay-at-home-mom/house-wife' ever since. The town believes that when my dad, Charlie Swan, got promoted to Chief of Police 2 years ago, that the pay increase was enough that my mom was able to quit her job. If they only knew.
My mom didn't mind staying home, though. She thought she was going to go crazy at first. She found solace in painting and sculpting during her abundance of down time. When she was teaching, she didn't have much time to work on her own projects, but now she has more than enough time. Well, that's what she says anyways. I don't know how much time she has. It could be weeks, months, years, or a whole life time.
When she fought and survived her Stage 1A breast cancer 4 years ago, we all thought that was it. She was a survivor. We didn't have to worry about the dreaded 'C' word ever again. The whole town knew and we all celebrate my mom's health. Stage 1 was a cake walk.
Last year, as we were approaching the 5 year 'all-clear' mark, she was diagnosed with Stage 3B breast cancer. I don't think any of us left the house for a whole week. How could the doctors have missed the fastly growing tumor in the same breast they had already 'treated'? We never thought we would have had to deal with this again. Mom and Dad decided to keep the news within the family. They didn't want the good people of Forks to pity the poor Swan family. We already had our celebration, now we needed to make sure that it didn't go to waste.
The only people in all of Forks that knew, outside of my family, were a few nurses and the good Doctor, Carlisle Cullen. Because of Doctor/Patient confidentiality, even his wife and son had no idea, which I was thankful for.
Right after my mom put her leave in with the school, the doctors removed her right breast and started her radiation treatment. Five days a week for almost 2 months, mom was subjected to radiotherapy. When it was time for chemo, she was not happy. Her hair had just started to come back in full so she didn't want to have to do chemo again. When the docs offered her to try medical marijuana as an alternative, the hippie in my mother practically jumped for joy. It can be hard to live with a police officer, sometimes, especially for a hippie. However, they suggested that she do three months of chemo and cannabis combined in the beginning and then strictly marijuana for the next 3 months, just to be safe. I hate chemo. The chemo always made mom sick and she was never hungry, and even if she did eat, she could hardly hold it down. That is also where the weed came in. It made the effects from chemo tolerable.
Mom was strictly on the cannabis these days, though. My mom was great high. She has two weeks left until we can find out if she's in remission again, or not. They are going to be the longest 2 weeks ever. Anything could happen. Just like last night, when we had to go to the hospital because mom was experiencing shooting pains in her fingers. She felt the same thing while going though chemo, so we all became a little worried. Dr. Cullen told us there was nothing to worry about. She was just having a slight circulation problem, which can be normal.
If in two weeks mom ends up being in remission and the cancer doesn't come back within the next 5 years, then and only then, will I take a real, full-fledged breath, and actually believe my mom will be okay. Until then, I want to spend as much time with her as possible. This is why I can't leave for college, the reason why I don't want Alice over, or anyone for that matter, the reason I let my grades slip because I couldn't concentrate on anything, but my mother's health. We have never been closer as a family, but we have never been as sad or as fearful, either.
I had just walked into the kitchen to see what my mom was cooking when I heard her say, "Miss Isabella, now where have you been?" Yup! Mom is stoned. At least the food will be good. She always cooks better high.
"Hey, momma. I got caught up at school. Rosalie Hale seems to be wanting to make amends after all these years. And then I had to go to the movie store to rent a DVD for school. I was planning on going over to Alice's tomorrow to watch it with her, if that's alright?" I hated asking for permission, since I knew she wouldn't mind, but I do try to be the ideal daughter.
"Rosie wants to be friends? Wow, never saw that one comin'. Oh and you know I never mind you spending time with Alice." Of course not. "Your father should be home soon and dinner will be done in 20. Why don't you start on your homework so he doesn't throw a fit like last week."
"Yes, mother," I said while discreetly rolling my eyes. "I just have a few problem of Calc, the rest I got done during lunch and study hall."
"Well hop to it young lady."
And with that, I literally hopped to the breakfast bar with my backpack, which made us both bust out with laughter.
I loved the good days with my mom. I never know what I'm going to come home to anymore.
My homework was done before dinner, so I just excused myself to my room when our meal was over. I was still waiting on Em to call, so in the mean time, I let my facade fall and cried.
I need this to be over. I need my mom to be okay. I can't live without knowing she is going to be okay. I need to know that she will continue to live her own long and healthy life.
And so I cried, like I have every day since we found out the cancer had returned. I cried for my mom, for my dad, for my brother, for anyone who has ever had to deal with this, and I cried for myself. I cried because it kills me so much to have to lie to everyone and to pretend to be happy and pretend that nothing is wrong.
*I've given up on giving up slowly
I'm blending in so you won't even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention
It's my one last shot at redemption
Cause I know to live you must give your life away*
There's Emmett. Time to wipe the tears and put on my big girl voice. "Hey Em. What's up?"
"Why don't you tell me? You told me to call."
"Oh, right. Um, so we're all set for Friday, right? You'll be at the school at 3:30?"
"Yeah, B. I'll be there. You're lucky coach is giving us Friday off from practice." Oops! I didn't even think about it being baseball season already. "So, is that all? I still can't believe that I'm aiding-and-abetting in a bunch of under-age drinking, and that you are the one who suggested it. Where is this world coming to?"
"Oh, hardy, har, har. So funny E. It's not like I never went to parties with you back in the day. I'm not that much of a goody-goody," I paused shortly before breaking out that You can't refuse to do anything I ask of you voice on my brother. "So I have another favor and a request..."
I heard Em sigh before asking, "What more could you want from me, B? I'm supplying the booze and not telling dad that your the one who is planning a soiree that could end up getting busted up by the cops anyways."
"Oh, you know that no one bothers to break up parties on the beach. Alright, so I'll tell you my request first...well actually it's Alice's request. She wanted to know if you could invite your roommate or maybe some of the other guys, but mostly just Jazz. She's got a huge thing for him."
"HAHAHA! Yeah, Bells. I'll ask some of the guys if they want to help me chaperone a bunch of high schoolers."
"Oh, come on. A party is a party is a party. Just ask Jasper at least, please?"
"Fine! You know I can't say no to you. Now, if that was the request, do I dare ask what the favor is?" Alright, one down, one to go.
"CanyoubeourDD?" I said it as fast as I could. I know he won't like it. If he's coming all the way out here just to play DD for his sister and her friends.
"What was that, B? Something about DD..."
Alright, just do it. "Emmett, bestest brother of mine, will you please be our Designated Driver? We don't even have to go back to our house or Alice's. Rosalie Hale said her parents will be out of town and she invited me, you, Alice, and anyone you bring out with you, to stay at her place for an after-party of sorts, so we don't have to deal with parents."
"You talked to Rose? I thought you guys were still on the outs?" Did he just completely forget about me asking about DDing? "Wait!" There's the light bulb. UGH! "Did you just ask me to be your DD? To a party where I will be the only one legal to actually drink? Seriously, B?"
"Please, Em? For me and Alice? Please? The last time I drank was at the last party you brought me to this past summer. Just this once. I'll DD the next two times you need me to. Please?"
"Stop with the 'Pleases' please! Yeah, yeah. Just tell me who your favorite person in the world is."
"AHHH! Thank you, Em!" I sounded way too much like Aly there. She is totally rubbing off on me. "You are my most favorite person in the whole world. Muah! Muah! I love you big brother!"
"Uh huh. Love ya, too, sis! Is that all you want to wrangle me into this weekend or do you want my left nut too?"
"Eww, Em! That's fucking gross. No. That's all. I'll see you Friday!"
"See ya, Bells."
Well that was easy. Well, easy as far as dealing with Em goes. He's such a push over. He knows that this whole thing has taken a hit on me. I know I try not to show my hurt, but it's hard to fool Em since he knows me better than anyone and he's going through it, too. But Em has baseball to channel his anger and hurt. What do I have? I'm not artistic like mom, or athletic like Em and dad. I do love to write and writing has helped me vent in the past... Hmm.
I looked over at the clock to see that it was already 8:30. I guess I'll talk to Alice tomorrow. I knew I couldn't sleep just yet, so I grabbed my laptop and signed into my LiveJournal. Nobody used it anymore, so I never felt self-conscious when I decided to post lyrics from songs that speak my emotions of the day. I just look like any normal teenage girl pretending the music was speaking for me. But tonight I wanted to try my hand at just writing for me. Vague enough that no one would understand, but true enough that if anyone actually read it, they would know that my life really wasn't the perfect facade that everyone saw. So I started...
An Invisible Prayer
I am starting to lose all faith in myself. When I look in the mirror, all I see is a ghost...The real me is dead. This life I am living is not a life at all, but a play. I am an actress in a world full of actors. The only way to survive is through manipulation, lies, regret, secrets; everything, but the truth. Some say the truth will set you free... Well, whoever said that, never lived a life like mine. Truth can and will ruin your life...if not now, it will in the future.
I am a child, running from life...broken; beaten and left for dead. Still dreaming of never growing up and having to enter "the real world" where there is responsibility, love; the things that will not only completely kill my soul, but everything else with it.
I look down at the cross that is around my neck and just ask, "Why? Why should I wear this when the 'Invisible Person' that I pray to always does the exact opposite of my prayer? Is there a point anymore?" I have lost all faith in myself and all faith in the rest of humanity. My stage is set; I will be the actress I have to be, with all my manipulation, lies, regret, secrets...
Time will be my escape...but time may take too long.
Poem by Bella M. Swan
A/N: Thanks for reading. I would really appreciate reviews of any kind, good or bad. We won't meet Edward for another chapter or two, in-which then we will be bouncing between POVs. The more reviews, the less likely I will be to give up on the story. Again, thanks!