Freshman year: the time to have fun with friends. The only time to have such fun before buckling down into sophomore year and getting to work.
Lies.
The Hitachiin twins- my brother and I- had been having fun our entire lives. We didn't care who got bothered by our actions or who found us funny. We didn't acknowledge the looks we got from our parents' friends and fellow fashion workers. We'd just ignore them all and allowed our parents to deal with anyone who complained.
We'd, of course, get a stern lecture afterwards, but did it matter? It was the consequence to our fun. The fun was much more important to us.
We'd just go and do the same thing again and again until it bored us enough to stop. No matter who tells us not to, we wouldn't listen.
Because we thought everyone else in the world was an idiot.
But we're not like that any more. Thinking about how much we've changed, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I partially want to break free from the shackles my brother and I have put on ourselves so that I can tell the world that I am not Hikaru Hitachiin. I want to scream out, "Hello, World! I'm Kaoru Hitachiin!"
But when I think about how different and far apart we've gotten, I also want to hide under the blankets with my brother and just pretend like the world doesn't exist. I want to pretend that we are one in the same. I want to pretend that I never joined the Host Club, that I'm Hikaoru, just like I always was.
But the need to break free overrides that, and I begin to whisper my greeting to the world.
I suppose this wouldn't have started if we had never met Tono, that annoying blonde boy who always has a smile and never judges anyone, no matter how obvious their bad intent is. He just doesn't see it. His eyes are oblivious to hatred.
He wears a smile like he wears a shirt. Somehow, no one outside the Host Club can tell when its fake, because he knows how to make it look so genuine. It's not a gift, really. He's been trained, just as all aristocrats have been trained, in the art of feigning emotions. To learn how to smile as you kill. To learn how to cry at other people's petty problems. To learn how to keep a poker face when all you want to do is shout. To learn how to sit in your place.
We all learn these things. Tamaki just uses them more than the rest.
Sure, everyone's faked a smile to hide their pain at least once. It's nothing to be ashamed of. But I've seen Tamaki smile at the most horrid, despicable things.
Exhibit A: his grandmother.
Oh, that dear sweet old lady, who makes his life hell simply because he was born out of wedlock. A bastard baby of a sickly French woman. She bribed Tamaki to come to Japan to be the heir of her company. In return, her mother got financial support for the rest of his life.
He is never allowed to see her again.
At least until his grandmother dies. But by then, will Tamaki even remember his mother's face?
Although his soul is beaten and battered, he smiles happily at all of us, helping everyone he can. Especially women.
Tamaki's not a completely promiscuous person, he just likes to see women smile. I wonder if that has to do with the fact that he can't see his mother. Kyoya once said that the last time Tamaki saw his mother, she was crying.
Damn. That even brings tears to my eyes.
I believe he just wants to make as many women smile as he can, while also showing off his good looks.
Everyone has a sin, I suppose. His is pride. Yes, he thinks he's God's gift to Earth, but Hikaru and I are no different. I have no right to judge it. Calling the kettle black is Hikaru's flaw, not mine.
There would be no Host Club without Kyoya. He's Tamaki's best friend, the Black King of the Host Club. Although no decision is done without Tamaki's okay, Kyoya is the one who gets him to okay it. And Kyoya gets whatever he wants. I believe we already touched on Tamaki's obliviousness...?
Kyoya is slightly emotionless. He watches from the background, his glasses glinting with some new evil plot. He's the information source for everything, since he seems to know everything. It's almost as if the information just settles itself- uninvited, but welcomed- into his brain.
He doesn't have much of a personality, but he has this overwhelming greed that shows in his every action. Everything he does is for money, either for himself or for the club. I don't think it matters. All that matters is that he's accomplished something and proven a little more to his father that HE is the best choice to be heir.
The admirable thing about him is: he never tells his father when he's made money. No, he keeps it to himself, winning a mental glory each time. Telling his father would defeat the purpose. If his father knew everything he did, it would be all too clear that he is, out of his two older brothers, the smartest, best business man. He wants his father to find out for himself.
You see, the Host Club is a family: Tamaki as the dad, Kyoya as the mom, Haruhi as the daughter, and Hikaru and I as the sons. Tamaki is the one who insists this, and I think we all enjoy the idea. At least to an extent. There are two people who just don't fit into our family. They're the next door neighbors. The outcasts that we love as if they were included in our family delusion.
Mori-sempai and Hani-sempai are those neighbors. They're two completely different people who know each other as well as Hikaru and I know each other.
Hani-sempai is the smaller blonde in the club. He has a black belt in karate and doesn't look a day over six, although that's twelve years under his true age. The eighteen year old child has a love of cakes and cute things. He spends most of his time on Mori-sempai's shoulders. With that karate expertise, Hani-sempai is even more frightening that Kyoya when woken up.
Mori-sempai is the quietest of us all. He keeps all of Hani-sempai's secrets simply because he doesn't talk. He watches you with a glare that would be intimidating if it didn't look so wise and full of knowledge. It's hard to be afraid of Mori-sempai, even when watching him at kendo.
Together, the two make a pretty frightening team. They have the fastest, most unpredictable moves I've ever seen in human beings. They're useful for when people try to intimidate us. Although Kyoya is intimidating too, since his family is so high on the financial ladder, controlling the police force and even many hospitals.
When the newspaper club tried to ruin Tamaki's reputation, we were all forced to band together, to be one intimidating force of physical and financial power. Yeah, we pretty much rock.
My heart races whenever I think of the next person, the only person left to analyze: Haruhi.
The short, brown-haired, big eyed, emotionless ball of brains. The toy that Hikaru and I shared long ago.
She is the commoner who broke a vase that we were planning to sell, and therefore became the Host Club's dog, running errands and introducing us to commoner coffee (which is quite good, you should try it).
She is the one with the apartment with short ceilings. She stole Tamaki's heart the moment they met. She stole my heart as time went on. Same with Hikaru. And even Kyoya.
This is truly why Hani-sempai and Mori-sempai were not in our "family". They didn't center around Haruhi, only stood back and watched with wide eyes twisted into worried expressions as they saw the future. Would we feud over her? Would we grow distant?
What would happen to those she didn't choose?
What if she chose Hikaru? What if she chose Kaoru? What would happen to the other?
Yes, I see it all clearly now that it's over. I saw it clearly long ago, the moment I realized I loved her. I loved her dearly.
But I loved Hikaru so, so much more.
So I gave up. I let her go. Do you know the saying "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with."? I know that saying so well, that just thinking of it makes my heart tighten uncomfortably tight. I let Haruhi go. The thing that hurts is, she never even noticed.
She was so stuck on someone, that she had no time to notice that she was being held by me, that I was holding her back. Her eyes were set far away on a goal she didn't even know she was aiming for.
One day, I told Hikaru that he loved her. That nitwit. He never noticed he was in love. He was too stubborn, thinking that we could be together forever. I know that, in the back of his mind, he knew how much he loved her. But he wouldn't admit it to himself. When I told him, I think he finally let himself believe. And then everything went so fast, I don't even know what happened.
But I had given up on her. I had let her go, and I suffered in silence. Hikaru went after her, asking her out. He cried even when she denied him. That's how hard he fell. He cried. I didn't, however. I didn't cry, although I had fallen just as hard. I was just lucky enough to brace myself for the impact. Hikaru had no idea it was coming. I'm not saying he didn't know he was going to be denied. Of course he knew. We all knew. Haruhi had already fallen for another.
She loved Tamaki, who jumped into the water from a cliff to save her, protected her in a thunder storm, gave her an ootori ring, and saved her from a kidnapper.
There was no way to deny it. Love had stricken our pure little Haruhi. God, it hurt to lose our toy.
She was more than a toy. She became the person that brought us apart. Against our will, Hikaru and I became two different people.
A girl got in between us, and, for the first time, we couldn't look at each other and know what the other was thinking.
Over time, we got further and further apart, until we finally split.
Now, I look at Hikaru. He's reading a book for school, his brown hair the color of a walnut shining in the light from the lamp next to him.
"I'm going to my room," he says as he puts his book into his backpack and turns off the light. He gives me a smile and walks up to his room and closes the door. The sound echoes in the large house.
I sit alone in the large living room. The echo of the door gets to me. It makes me feel alone for the first time in my life. I feel lonely and I don't know what to do with myself. I can't say that the Host Club has ruined my life, because I'm much happier now. But I can say that it handed me the weight of the world.
I bury my face in my hands and begin to cry gently, because I know that nothing will ever be the same.