A/N: New Story, Haven't given up on my old ones, but I got struck with this one. I am going to update the others soon...maybe...in the future...yeah
Chapter One
Hi, my name is Edward and I've been stalking you for weeks.
Nope, she'd try to get me arrested.
Yo Yo Yo it's your boy Eddie E in the hizzous!
Scratch that, I don't want to look like an imbecile.
I can smell you. Is that from Victoria Secret?
Shit, that's creepy and she might think I'm a little too feminine.
I don't know what to do.
Isabella Marie Swan has engulfed the deepest part of my mind. She's been swimming around in there for the better part of a month.
Her scent, the smell of honey, maybe, it's indescribable.
Her walk, fuck..her boobs.
I'd been drawn to her since the first whiff and I've been hard for that long too.
Fucking agony.
I've been trying to come up with ways to approach her, but everything I come up with makes me out to be an utter spazz. Who the fuck in their right mind would want to talk to a guy with my pick up lines?
I'm waiting here.
Drop some names.
That's right...you can't think of any either.
I read somewhere that girls like to be called pet names when you first speak to them, but on t.v. guys are always calling women "bitches".
I'm not that much of an idiot.
"Eddie," my "adopted" oaf of a brother swings into my window, "Shit were you jerkin' off?".
"Whh-aatt? Why would you say that?" I say.
"That big bottle of baby oil says that you were," he casts an eye over to my night stand and smiles.
"Just because I have...that, doesn't mean what you think. My hands get rough sometimes".
He belts out a laugh, "Right. We're vampires Eddie; we're always rough".
"Emmett get your ass down here!" Rose, his mate and the most annoying blonde ever calls from the kitchen.
"Aww," Em groans, "Rose baby, I'm having a manly-man talk with the bro-skie".
He pouts...What kind of stuck-at-19 vampire-man pouts?
Yeah, Emmett's about five shits away from being a college student.
He doesn't grasp the concept that WE'RE FUCKING OLD. I mean, technically.
"Do as she says, or you'll be stroking your rooster for a month," Alice's tinkling laughter fills my doorway.
Em's gone in seconds, and my favorite "sister" is sat on my bed.
"You're going to talk to her soon Eddie".
She's now been dubbed Captain Fucking Obvious.
Clap Clap for CFO!
"Not if I can't find a way to not sound like an idiot".
She laughs, "It'll all work out. I've seen it".
Alice's vision of me and Bella Swan standing side-by-side, actually talking fills my head.
"I don't know what to say to her Al. She'll run away". Now it's my turn to pout.
What kind of stuck-at-17 vampire-man pouts?
I'm looking a myself here, but I've got problems too.
"Well yeah if you open with the 'I'm a vampire, love me' line".
I glare at her, because you know, she's not funny.
"Stop being so mopey Edward! It's bringing me down!" Jasper bellows from his and Alice's room.
"I'll fix that later Jazzy," Alice calls to him.
"Should I get the whip, darlin'?" He replies in his country-slang.
He's only been to the South three times, so I'm fucking confused...
"Only if you're feeling nasty...Professor Hale," Alice licks her lips and lets out a soft growl.
I kick her off my bed, because now I'm sorta bummed.
These freaks are all thinking about going at it, even my surrogate vampy mother Esme, and I'm just here like...
Can I talk to my girl first? Jeez
"My girl" sounds nice as shit.
I wonder if Bella will like it.
"Alice get out," I damn near cry at the compromising situations she's envisioning herself and Jasper in.
"Sorry bro, I kind of left there for a second," she apologizes.
"I'm leaving," I stand up abruptly.
"Have fun Eddie" Alice stands up, ready to run to Jasper like the hornball she is.
"Maybe you should call before you come back Ed," Emmett shouts and I hear his and Rose's door close.
Fucking hell! It's no wonder I need the baby oil.
"Maybe you should sweetie," Esme calls up to me, "Carlisle's due any minute".
Ewwwwwww.
I don't like to think about my surrogate parents' doing that, let alone seeing Esme performing a strip tease in her head.
"You guys are all animals!" I yell, and I mean it too.
"Wait until you get some. Maybe Bella will pull the stick out of your ass!" Rose cackles.
HaHa the Ice Bitch makes a funny.
I know, I know. I said that thing about not calling women "bitches", but Rose picks on me.
Release internal sigh.
I hop out of my window, and raise into town. Chasing that scent.