I managed to keep my composure, just barely but I kept it, the whole time I was in there. Although I'm sure J'onn knows why I left when I did, and as quickly as I did.
I was about to lose it.
When I was with Kara the reality of what was happening to J'onn hadn't quite hit me yet and so with her I was still able to be the strong big sister. It wasn't until I saw them putting him in that cell that it really hit me, and even then it took a moment. I entered just as the senator and guards were leaving,
"Good," I thought to myself; that had been what I was hoping for.
I looked up at him, hoping that maybe I didn't appear as heartbroken and admittedly scared as I felt. He looked down at me, through the glass, with what I could swear was a smile on his face. At first I couldn't say anything, I was just trying to keep the ever-growing onslaught of tears from spilling out of my eyes. He could see it, how hard it was for me to hold myself together. I took a minute, looked down, and for a moment I actually managed will away the need to cry.
"Why didn't you run?" I finally asked him, it was my only question. "You could've gotten away." I told him and he nodded, admitting I was right.
"Because I'd spend a thousand years in this cell if meant keeping you, and your sister, safe." And there it was. The words that broke me. The entire team had watched him transform into his true form, his life as Hank Henshaw ended the moment he decided to take down Kara. He could've run, made a new life, a new identity, and no one would've ever found him. But he didn't because ten years ago he made a promise to my father, and he has more than fulfilled it.
Ever since he recruited me, he's watched out for me. I never really noticed until he told me about what really happened to my father but looking back there hasn't been a single year gone by where he didn't tell me "happy birthday" or "Merry Christmas", every time I end up pulling an all-nighter in the lab he gives me a coffee either before he leaves or when he comes in. He has always been looking out for me, and then he told Kara and I about his daughters. He told us they're names, and that although we aren't the same any man would be proud to call us his daughters. I like to believe that was his way of saying that's how he views us, and I wanted so badly to somehow tell him that he's the closest thing I've had to a father since I lost mine.
But I know my place.
Strong, unemotional, silently sentimental, so Kara got to hug him while I stood there awkwardly.
But now… now I don't care about my reputation. J'onn has been like a second father to me, he promised my father that he would look out for Kara and I and he has. He's sacrificed his identity for us, and now he's in a prison cell. Figures that I would finally be pushed to the point of not caring about my reputation when there was a physical barrier placed between us. But I needed to at least let him know I'm still on his side. So I did the only thing I still knew how to, because I was to choked up for words, and I placed my hand on the glass. I felt like a child, like a scared little girl who didn't understand what was happening in the world around her and needed desperately for her father to hold her until everything was all right again. J'onn winked at me, and for a moment I thought maybe that would be all he'd do, but then he pressed his palm against his side of the glass. I couldn't help but smile, and I hoped that the tears in my eyes weren't as evident as they felt.
"We'll figure this out J'onn, I will get you out of here." I wanted to make the promise out loud but I didn't trust my voice enough. It felt as though just opening my mouth would be enough to obliterate any control I had over my composure.
It was a long moment later that I reclaimed my hand and with a sniffle I turned on my heel and walked quicker than I would have liked to out of the room. As I exited the tears just filled my eyes more, to the point where I could barely see where I was going. I brought up my arm and wiped them away as quickly as possible, but they were soon replaced by a fresh batch. I tried to focus on my next move, having a plan had always been a good way to calm myself. I focused on Kara; she was still upset and would need me. I could never cry in front of her, I'm the big strong sister who's supposed to be there for her. At the very least years of having that mentality would instinctively shut off my tears, it had before. But it's been a long time since I wanted to cry this hard, and as I felt the stares of anyone I past in the hallway while trying to look away I knew that not even Kara's own sadness would be enough to put mine on hold. Kara's a big girl, and I just need a few minutes to calm down.
So that's how I ended up here.
I'm currently kneeling doubled over on the floor of a bunkroom. I knew nobody would find me in here; the bunkroom is only used in emergencies when we're stuck down in headquarters for whatever reason. It isn't soundproof, but it's far enough in the back of headquarters that no one would be walking too close to the door and I'm being as quiet as I possibly can. My face is red and I'm trying to be quiet as the uncontrollable sobs wrack my body. Eventually I sit up and run my hands through my short hair while trying to wipe the tears away with the heels of my hands. But it's pointless and so I just sit here with my fists balled tightly against my head as loud but hopefully still quiet enough wails escape my mouth.
Apparently my hopes are wrong and someone in fact was close enough to the door to hear me. I look up to see, of all people, Maxwell Lord entering the room. Somehow it both does and does not surprise me that he's still here or that he managed to find me without any D.E.O. security on him, probably ditched them. I can't figure out why it is that he's here, he's a lot of evil things but it doesn't seem like it would be his style to kick me when I'm down. Not like this anyway. People like him; they can read people like me. He can see that I have walls and so he should be able to tell that this is me broken. Even so I still need to try and come off as strong as I possibly can to him, I refuse to let my enemy see me so helpless. So I wipe away some tears and swallow a sob as I look up at him with hard but still miserable eyes, and he looks down at me with the pity that you would give the last puppy in the abandoned box on the street corner, the one you can't take.
With a sigh he closed the door behind him and came to squat down in front of me, and I just froze.
"Surprised I found you?" He asked with that trademark smirk of his, I simply shook my head. He was quiet for a minute, just wringing his hands together as if he were unsure of how to go about this. "I'm sorry," he finally decided on and I swear if I weren't trying to deal with the events of the last twenty-fours hours I would've been so much smugger about the great Maxwell Lord apologizing. "I didn't know any of this would happen as a result of my experiments with kryptonite-"
"Like you care," I interrupted, my voice shaky with tears but it was worth it. Truth be told it isn't his fault, not entirely. But I need to direct my anger somewhere and Max Lord is the perfect verbal punching bag.
But he doesn't waiver, in fact his features appears to soften He just takes the insult, because he's expecting it and he doesn't even want to send one back my way.
"I know you think that hurting you is one of my favorite pastimes, and while I'm not going to deny that getting in your way can be pretty damn fun," he laughed as he said this and I couldn't help but crack a small smile. "I would never try and hurt you like this," he said, both his voice and his face were so serious to the point where I actually wanted to believe him. But I know better.
"Yeah, you've only been trying to take out my sister for how long now?" I asked, despite the shakiness in my voice that sarcasm was still perfectly in place.
But the comment seemed to hurt him, like it actually hurt him to hear those words come out of my mouth with so much anger attached to them. Maybe if I weren't such a wreck right now I would've laughed instead of watching him so closely, waiting for his next move.
"What happened today was my fault," he admitted after a long moment of quiet between us, "Non is a threat to this world and I wanted to take him out, and if Kara got caught in the crossfire then…" he trailed off, shrugging as though a part of him felt guilty that he didn't really care. "Two birds, one stone." He finished and my hands curled into fists, which he noticed but still remained silent for another few seconds. He looked down at the cold concrete floor below us; I could tell he was mentally plotting out his next move and although I probably shouldn't have I let him. "I'm not going to stop searching for a way to take down Kara should this happen to her again," he assured me and a part of me actually wanted to laugh at that, no, of course he's not. "But maybe I can try and find a plan that won't end in killing her," he said with his signature smirk, but it was different this time. This time it almost looked like that ever-deceitful face of his actually held some promise to it. Like maybe, just maybe, he actually meant the words.
Another sob came out of my mouth accompanied by another wave of tears, nowhere near as strong as the previous ones but present none the less, and so Max reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder. At his touch I barely even froze before I all but threw myself forward and crashed into him. Normally I would kick my own ass five times over for doing such a thing and I'm sure I will do just that later. But right now I couldn't care less if I tried. I haven't cried this hard, needed someone to hold me this badly, since my father died. In a way I was dealing with the same pain all over again; only this time he's just in prison. The thing is, I didn't get this last time. Mom… I think she had come to depend on me as the strong rock almost as much as Kara. At the time I had been grateful, the reality of dad's death hadn't fully hit me yet and so I didn't even feel much of the need to cry. I just felt numb and calming her tears had forced me to feel something, even if it was fear for what was to come next. So I spent that night first on the living room couch holding Kara until she had cried herself to sleep and then went upstairs where I found mom crying in her bed. To her credit she tried to stop, but she couldn't and I couldn't blame her. I went over and hugged her, and didn't let go until she told me too. She told me it was ok for me to cry but I didn't, not until one in the morning when it finally hit me and at that point I didn't want to bother anyone.
Thankfully Max didn't seem bothered by this. I'm not really sure he understood why I was so upset over J'onn's imprisonment but he didn't ask. He just wrapped his arms tight around me and held me while I cried into his chest. My fists clutched whatever fabric I could grasp off his stiff shirt. I wanted very badly to punch him, as if hurting him would somehow make everything better or at least take away the pain. In fact I may I have punched him once but he only reacted by moving one of his hands to run his fingers through my short hair.
"Shh, shh." He whispered into my ear but I barely heard him between my own sobs and the thoughts screaming in my head about how wrong this is, which for the record is very wrong.
After kneeling there with him for who knows how long my grip on his shirt slowly began to relax and my breathing evened out until I was no longer sobbing. Finally I found myself pushing out of his arms and instead kneeling in front of him with my hands limp in my lap, my eyes fixed on the floor with embarrassment.
"Don't worry, I won't tell a soul that the great Alex Danvers cried." He promised with a chuckle and so against my better judgment I looked up at him, the smile on his face was almost enough to encourage one of my own, almost.
"What? No Snide remarks?" I asked, more than a little annoyed by how shaky my voice still was. He pretended to think for a minute,
"Don't cry, I only sent your sister on a psychotic rampage and indirectly imprisoned a man who is obviously like family to you." He said and maybe it was the sarcasm in his voice or the amusement in his eyes but I actually laughed just a little bit at the statement.
"It wasn't all your fault," I said, my still tear-laced voice getting a little bit stronger. While I will admit that this is mostly his fault and I have no problem with him admitting the blame, something about it almost didn't seem fair. "You didn't know what the red kryptonite would do to Kara, or about Hank's true identity." I said, even though it's pretty much pointless to refer to J'onn as Hank at this point, I guess some old habits die hard.
His smile brightened just a little bit before he got to his feet and looked down at me, not with pity this time but with something else, something I couldn't quite place. He looked like he wanted to say something, what I'm not sure, but it doesn't matter because he decided to make his way to the door.
"Why do you care?" I found myself asking the question before it had a chance to be verified by my mind. It wasn't as hostile as my last "like you care," remark but rather it was sincere and curious, because I honestly wanted to know.
He sighed when he heard me and slowly he turned back to face me. His hand lingered on the doorknob, waiting to be able to get away.
"It's the government's fault that I lost my family and I want to keep the word safe from their carelessness. That being said, what does it say about me if I destroy a family in the process?" He asked but he didn't wait for an answer, which is good because I don't have one. He just opened the door and left.