A/N :Pony can't get over the loss of Dally and Johnny, and his teachers say he is going to have to repeat. Mean while someone returns sending mixed feelings in the gang. Anyone interested in betaing?
I lied to myself earlier that night when I said Darry and I wouldn't fight anymore. Darry and I always fought all the time, we had for some time now. We probably wouldn't fight in front of Soda, but I knew we would still fight. I couldn't get that out of my mind while I was finishing up my English paper. I worked hard on that paper. It said a lot about everything, and I hadn't decided if I was ready to turn it in yet. I stared at my paper for multiple minutes with out reading a word it said. Darry kept on telling me constantly that the world don't stop when someone dies, and I agree, but I think it at least pauses when it was your fault that somebody died, or even two somebodies in my case.
"I'm sorry, Johnny. I'm real sorry," I whispered still staring.
"What are you doing Pony?" Soda came hopping in the room happily. I nearly jumped out of my skin when he said that. "What's wrong?" He couldn't hide his grin. I just gave him a blank stare like I did now when I didn't want to answer a question.
"Come on and eat dinner, Steve's coming by sometime tonight and we can all play cards or something." He ruffled my hair and walked out.
I took one last look at the pages I had written then knocked them all on to the floor with a sigh. Not really in the mood to eat I made my way to the kitchen anyway.
"Come on Pone," Darry called me.
"I'm coming, I'm coming," I spoke hardly loud enough for him to hear.
They both looked at me as I made the last turn walking into the kitchen looking the opposite direction I was walking and hit the glass coffee table right on my shin.
"Shit," I mumbled to my self being real sure Darry didn't hear.
"Watch it there Pony," Soda sounded concered.
He did all the time now, watching over me as if I was a little kid.
Darry's eyes just pierced me as I sat down. "Be more careful Pony," He finally said. Normally I knew he would be yellen, but something stopped him and I wasn't in the mood to figure out what it was.
I moved my fork around my plate eating a bite or two when Darry acted like he was going to say something. I wasn't hungry, I never was any more.
"How's it going?" Two-Bit came in the house pausing from him and Steve's bickering fit.
"What are you two up to?" Soda smiled as I merged towards the trash can hoping Darry would just leave me alone and not make me eat anymore.
"You gonna eat that?" Two-bit took my plate out of my hand before I had a chance to answer.
"Go ahead and start dishes Pony, Soda did them on his lonesome yesterday," Darry reminded me.
I didn't mind doing the dishes; I was use to it now. In fact, I'd rather do them by myself. Soda would try to start some dumb conversation and I would have to pretend to be interested.
"Is the kid ok?" I heard Two-bit ask in a hushed voice which was unusual for Two-Bit.
"I dunno," I heard Darry reply as everyone piled out of the kitchen except for me.
With in minutes cards were brought out and were being played.
"Deal me in next round, I gotta take a shower," Soda called from our room.
I would play cards every once in a while, but they were more Steve and Soda's thing. Two-Bit's too, when he wasn't too drunk to play.
I dried the last pot then merged back to our room. Soda almost knocked me over coming out.
"I thought you were in the shower." I pushed by him.
He looked at me for a brief second as if he were trying to figure something out then tried to cover up by saying, "Headed that way."
He came in putting on a shirt a few minutes later, watching me stare at my English work not really reading it.
"Come on and play cards." He still had a weird look on his face. I had a feeling he knew something, but I forced myself to ignore it.
"Some other time," I said with no emotion.
"Come on, it'll be good for you," He whined. Soda knew I hated it when he whined.
"Go on with out me," I tried not to care.
"Don't make me get Darry to help me tickle you." He used his lame attempt to threaten me.
"I'll go, but I ain't gonna play cards," I stood up.
"Deal," Soda nodded. It wasn't hard to please him.
"Super man, can we deal you in?" Two-Bit called.
"What's it gonna hurt," Darry agreed surprising everyone.
"Shit, I got a crappy hand," Two-bit went on cussing out every word he could think of, plus more.
"Two-Bit," Darry was a little edgy, which was usual this time a day.
"Yeah, I gotta get out here anyway. Places to go chicks to see." He picked up his beer and was gone. Everyone laughed and smiled as he stumbled out the door. He had that effect on people. He could always make them laugh.
"Soda, what's going on with you?" Steve laughed beating him big time.
"Man little buddy, he whipped you." Darry joined in smiling.
"Pepsi?" Darry repeated.
"Yeah, what?" Soda looked away from me and to Darry.
"Maybe we outta crash," Darry's smile faded instantly.
"I think that that's a good idea," Steve stood up.
"You uh, staying here tonight?" Soda tried to focus.
"Yeah, old man kicked me out. I think it might be for good this time." Steve looked a little hurt.
"The couch is all you," Darry left the room.
"We'll talk about it tomorrow, ok?" Soda told Steve following me into our room. That's when I made the connection about what was going on.
"Hey," He closed the door. I could feel the tension rising in the room. I sat on the bed and looked at him wondering to myself how much he knew.
"IF you really mean what you wrote, then Pony we got some things to work out." He sat next to me.
I didn't answer; I didn't know what to say. I did mean what I said mostly; at least I thought I did, and I wasn't about to having a sobbing feast over the past.
"It was not in anyway possible your fault Pony." He paused and stared me down. "Bad things happen to good people all the time. Johnny, he was a great person. He'd been through more hell than me and you probably ever will. He chose to go into the church, you didn't make him." He put his arm around me as he saw me start to jerk away.
"Why are you doing this?" I pushed his arm off. No one ever talked about Jonny and Dally around me for this very reason. I didn't want to talk, hear, or think about them.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" He turned around my question.
"I'm not doing anything," I snapped.
"Hating, yourself, blaming yourself, refusing to move on. That is doing something. He stood up getting into it. "And Pony, everything you said about the Socs that's not one bit you! Come on Pone, they've been leaving us alone since everything happened. You gotta let go-"
"Let me handle this Soda." I stepped back interrupting him.
"You've had time to handle this Pony, and you haven't handled it. Let me help. Talk to me Ponyboy, like we use to." He pleaded pacing around the room a little.
"Things have changed," I sighed.
"Yeah, but we haven't. Come on," He looked so sad. The truth is we had changed. Everyone was different. No one had the exact same personality anymore. Soda wasn't as easy to talk to. He didn't give me time to come to him, he came to me. Two-Bit started to think about the jokes he cracked around me, Steve even left me alone. No one was the same.
"There is nothing to handle. I killed two people. I took two lives. I killed them. I might as well shot both of them. It would be the same thing!" I lost it. I had been saying that to myself ever since it happened, but I had never said it out loud until now. "Soda, I think it is time one of us moves out into Mom and Dad's room," I said firmly. I had made up my mind. I hade made it up a while ago, but didn't want to break the news to Soda until I thought it was necessary.
"No, No, Pony. No." Soda grabbed me and matched my yelling.
"What the hell is-" Steve came in the room in a hurry.
"Pony, nothing that happened was your fault you have to trust me. Can you trust me little buddy? Can you do that?" Soda was trying so hard. I knew he was, but it didn't matter what he said. I knew the truth.
"Would you stop saying that?" I pushed him off me harder than I meant to. He lost his balance and stepped back hitting the wall. Not hard enough to hurt him or anything, but still, I never meant to push that hard.
"No, not until you hear me, and I mean really hear me." Soda didn't seem to mind me pushing him.
"Soda move." I tried to get around him to escape.
"Steve give me a hand," Soda continued to block the door way.
"Uh, there was nothing that anyone couldna done," Steve said not seeming so sure.
"Ok I hear you loud and clear, get out of my way." I tried again, but failed.
"What the hell?" Darry came in angry. That's when I made a mistake, I squeezed by with the intentions of leaving. Maybe even for good if Darry hadn't gotten in my way.
"Darry, grab em'" Steve called.
"What is going on?" Darry caught my arm and pulled me back.
"Let's talk about it Pony!" Soda shouted again.
"Talk about what?" Darry sounded angry like usual.
"He wrote about what happened and he has it all wrong. He has it being his fault. He won't listen." Soda ratted me out. I was surprised that Soda would tell that easly, but at that point I didn't really care.
"What are you doing reading my stuff anyway?" I growled.
"You just left it laying there." Soda threw his hands in the air.
"Pony, nothing that happened was your fault. We have been over this before." Darry tightened his grip on my arm.
"All of it was," I said with out thinking.
"Come on now, Pony." Darry even struggled a little to keep a hold on me.
"Just let me go!" I pulled even harder.
"Not until you agree to settle down," Soda chimed in.
I slowly stopped fighting Darry's grip realizing I wasn't going to win.
"Now, what the hell is going on?" Darry slowly let go of me.
"Nothing, ok nothing is going on." I squeezed by Darry and walked on the porch. I thought about running, but I had no where to go.
"Last time he went off upset he crossed state lines." I heard Darry point out.
"I'll go talk to him," Soda hesitated. I didn't want to talk to Soda, or Darry, and definitely not Steve. The only person I would talk to would be willing to talk to would be Johnny, and that wasn't ever going to happen again.
"He's just on the porch, look you can even see him. If he does anything stupid you can get out there quickly. Give him some time let him cool down," Steve actually took my side. It surprised me that he would take my side, he never did.
"Let me see that," I heard Darry. I assumed that he was grabbing my English assignment and reading it by now.
I sat on the porch steps lighting a cancer stick and started thinking.
"How is it fair that life is going on with out them," I said to myself. It is almost like they are forgotten. Which was weird, cause everyone knew Dallas Winston. Most people who knew him wished they hadn't, but he was still known. A few weeks ago this time they would both be at our house. Two-Bit would be rambling about some girl cussing his hear out, Dally would be drinking and talking about how bad Tim was, Soda and Steve would be playing cards, and Johnny and I would be the way we always were. "Shit," I mumbled again putting out my cigarette out with my finger. I did that with Curly once, and when Tim found out he almost skinned the both of us. It was getting late, and I was getting tired, but I wasn't ready to go in yet.
I saw a light go off, but before I had a chance to wonder Steve got all in my face.
"Listen, and listen good. I am not gonna watch you put your brothers through shit because you are in pain. You wanna deal with it, deal with it," Steve pushed me around a little.
"Curly's commin back tomorrow, I'm sure him and Tim will come by here after Tim tells him what really happened. Talk to Curly or do what ever you need to do, Savvy?" Steve was real pissed. He always was around me so it was nothing new.
"What's up your butt," I thought about saying, but stopped myself realizing that he might be right. I hated it when Steve was right.
"Want one?" I held out a cancer stick knowing he wasn't going anywhere. There was a loud BANG followed by the house across the streets light turned on. The yelling and cussing started moments later. It was obvious that it was coming from Johnny's house. I got this feeling I couldn't explain. It was powerful, painful, intense-it was hate. I hated Johnny's parents.
"If those batstards would think about anyone besides themselves long enough maybe Johnny would have had a better life, damn it. Don't they get how bad he wanted to please them? Glory how could they hate a kid like Johnny? I bet they don't even know he is gone, too drunk or high, or just don't even give a damn!" I took a long drag of my weed. Normally I would never talk like that in front of Steve, but there was know stopping me.
"You're a smart ass kid you know that?" Steve mumbled listening to the fighting.
The more I listened the more the feeling occurred. It got worse. I could almost feel my face turning red as I cracked my knuckles on my knee casually. An other something was thrown and crashed to the ground making everything shake even at our house.
"I'm not gonna sit here and listen to this bull," Steve turned inside just in time. "Get in," He muttered at me. I don't know why I did what he said; I had no control over what happened it just did.
"Soda said that if you wanted you could sleep in your parent's room," Steve watched me walk to the kitchen as if I was about to do somethin illegal. He then laid on the couch and left me alone. I took a bunch of aspirins to stop my head that was pounding and my hands that were shaking. I stood up and walked back and forth across the kitchen floor just to calm down, or to prevent me from doing something stupid. I didn't want to sleep in my parents' room, but I also knew that if I went in our room I would wake Soda up and he would want to talk, and I didn't want to talk. I looked at the old clock hanging on the wall reading three thirty. I was surprised it was already that late. I heard Steve snoring and I knew no one would be up for a few hours. I pulled the grocery list off the counter and wrote:
Went out with Two-Bit,
Ponyboy.
A/n: Let me know if anyone is interested in Betaing
I knew Darry would kill me if he found out I was gone, but kill me even more if he found out I was gone and he didn't know where I was. I figured by now Two-Bit would be hung over at his house and I might be able to crash there until thing eased off. I wandered down the street making it all the way to Two-Bit's house before it even occurred to me. How was I going to get in? Stupidly I threw pebbles from outside onto his window, and to my surprise a light turned on and a head came into my view. After a few minutes passed the light turned off and then Two-Bit appeared outside.
"What the hell?" Two-Bit mumbled.
"Sorry to bother you Two-Bit," I started.
"That is my sister's room moron," Two-Bit rubbed his eyes. "What do you want?" He reached for a weed.
"Just to hang out," I said not knowing how dumb it sounded. He stared at me for a minute before me spoke. "Darry know where you are?" He spat out.
"Left him a note," I stuck my hands farther into my pockets.
"Does he know you are with me?" Two-Bit grinned.
I figured that Two-Bit wasn't actually drunk, but had been drinking.
"You couldn't wait until morning kid?" Two-Bit brought up swearing under his breath. I shrugged my shoulders and just looked at the ground.
"So nothing is wrong, but you just came over here for no reason?" Two-bit looked confused. I didn't know how to answer the question.
"Johnny's parents were at it with eachother again tonight," I said thinking off the top of my head.
"The sick bastards." Two-bit stepped on his weed. "You wanna know what really pisses me off? His dumb ass parents were even drunk at Johnny's service." Two-bit cussed his heart out feeling better as he called Mr. Cade everything he could think of. I smiled a little at some of the words Two-bit had come up with. "Shit, what did I do with my beer?" Two-bit looked around.
"You didn't have one when you came outside two-bit," I thought about saying, but didn't.
"Shit," Her mumbled again
"Come on inside, I gotta get me an other beer." He walked towards his house. I followed behind, not really wanting to go inside his house, but I didn't really have much of a choice. I watched Two-Bit stumble over to the fridge and get out a beer, as if he hadn't had enough already.I looked around his house, it looked the same as always. Messy.
"IS that clock right Two-Bit?" I said panicked.
"Glory kid, I dunno." He laughed.
"Two-bit I gotta get home, Darry'll be up in a few minutes, and If I'm not home-" I stopped and looked at him.
"Come on, get in my car," Two-Bit lead me outside.
I knew Darry hated it when I road with Two-bit, but I didn't think it waould be a good idea to object now.
"Don't look so scared, kid. The breaks kind of work," HE grinned and pulled out of the drive way.
Besides a bit of swerving and speeding Two-bit drove good. Well, about the same as usual.
"Are you getting out kid?" Two-bit tapped on my window.
I got out and walked up to the house.
"What the hell Steve, I thought you were watching him!" I heard Darry yell.
"I didn't think he needed a babysitterm he's what fifteen now?" Steve fought back scartastically.
"Come on Darry, he's with Two-bit," I heard Soda stand up for me.
"Is that soppose to be comforting?" Darry spat out.
"Move kid," Two-bit shoved me towards the door.
"Hi ya Pony, where'd you go off so early this morning?" Soda saw me first.
"I uh," I started.
"Pony where the hell have you been? We were worried." Darry almost looked relieved to see me.
"Sorry," I looked down at my shoes.
"Wake me up before you take off early in the morning Pony, ok?" Soda yawned.
"Come on, he was with me. How much trouble could we get in?" Two-Bit laughed.
"Hold on let me make a list," Steve rolled his eyes.
"I don't have time for this." Darry took a long sip of his cofee and walked back to his room.
"Damn, I'm outta beer," Two-Bit looked at his bottle.
"Two-bit, get out of our fridge, Soda you workin today?" Darry came running into the kitchen puttin on a shirt.
"On a Saturday? Yeah right!" Steve answered.
"Do I need to?" Soda's way of askin if ew needed more cash.
"Naw little buddy. I'll be back tonight late, Pony your turn to cook." Darry started towards the door.
"Hey Soda," He stopped and Soda walked over to him.
"Keep an eye on Pony for me will ya?" Darry tried to whisper, but I heard everything he said anyway.
"What do you guys wanna do?" Soda tried to change the subject.
"Hell, it's too early to d anything!" Two'bit plopped down on the couch with an other beer.
"I'll make eggs," Soda offered.
"Don't change the color ok?" Steve called as I walked back to our room. I laid on the bed instinkly comfortable.