Hey guys! It's me again! I came up with this a few months ago, and I recently refound it while going through old docs. So I decided to finish it up and post it on this lovely website for all of you wonderful people to read.
Anyway, I would just like it to be known that I don't hate Twilight. The point of this story is not to be totally dissing Twilight or anything, but it is a parody. It's supposed to be completely obnoxious, and it's not supposed to be taken seriously. So please no flames.
So now that I'm done with all that jazz, I would just like to say please Read and Review!
Disclaimer- I'm not even 18 yet, so I highly doubt that I'm the writer of either of these books.
Hermione sighed. She really did not want to do this, especially since this would be her last case before going on maternity leave. Usually she loved her job in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. It allowed her to help many of the 'half-breeds' that many in the wizarding world still discriminated against. But what she was about to do, was one of the main reasons she was switching to the magical law enforcing squad.
She didn't usually mind doing this kind of thing, but this was the exception. And as she stood about to knock on the door of their absudidly large house, she was inwardly cursing her luck for getting picked to do this case.
It took less than a second for the door to fly open. A guy with redish hair, and abnormally high cheek bones answered the door. Before he could ask any of the stupid questions she knew he wanted to ask, she cut to the chase, "Hello, is this the Cullen residence?" Not bothering to wait for an answer she continued, "My name is Hermione Weasley, and I'm here as a representative from the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. May I speak with your entire 'Coven' please?"
He studied her for a moment before he nodded, and moved aside, "Yes, please come in."
Hermione quickly sat down on one of their ridiculously white couches, and began pulling out files, getting right to work. "Now, let's skip pleasantries shall we? I know all of you heard me outside."
All of them remained silent, looking at a man with blond hair, who she assumed was their little leader. He stepped forward to shake her hand, "It's nice to meet you, my name is Carlisle, and this is my family."
She smiled, flipping through her files, "Ah yes, Carlisle Cullen, the son of a preacher." She turned to the woman silently sitting next to him, "And I assume this is Esme Cullen, your mate. Now, I'm not sure who's who, for the rest of you, would you all mind introducing yourselves?"
A tiny girl jumped forward, smiling broadly, "Hello, my name is Alice."
"Hello," Nodding, she glanced at the man right behind her, he could've been considered extremely handsome… if he didn't look constipated, "And I assume you're Jasper Whitlock, Alice's mate?"
He barely nodded, before she turned to a girl with long platinum blond hair, who by most standards was beautiful, but she had an off center nose. Hermione expected the girl to say something, but it was the man behind her who spoke up, "I'm Emmet, and this is Rose."
"It's nice to meet you Mr. and Mrs. McCarty." She said, and then quickly turned back to the man with redish hair. It was then that she noticed the girl with mud-brown hair holding a baby standing behind him. Hermione smiled, "And I'm assuming that you three are Edward, and Isabella Masen, and of course your daughter Renesmee."
The coven exchanged glances before the one called Edward spoke up, "Um excuse me, but our last names are Cullen, and Hale."
Hermione rolled her eyes, this was one of the many reasons she didn't want to have to deal with these people. She fought to control her annoyance, "Actually Mr. Masen, legally the only people in this room with the last name Cullen, would be Carlisle and his wife Esme. The rest of you just go by it. And none of you technically have the last name Hale, because Rosalie's last name was changed when she married."
They all stared at her blankly, until Isabella spoke up, "But…my last name is Cullen now…and Renesmee's last name is Cullen too."
Hermione just stared at her; she knew that they weren't the sharpest tools in the shed, but honestly. Finally she just sighed, "Isabella, your last name is Masen, because your husband's real last name is Masen. He may go by Cullen, but his last name was never legally changed... I'm sorry, this isn't what I'm here about. I'm actually here to discuss your belief that you're actually vampires. Normally, we wouldn't do anything about it, but since you're actually telling people your vampires, we had to step in to prevent this lie from spreading."
"Uh, we are vampires. And how do you even know all of this stuff?" Rosalie finally spoke up, in a nasally high pitched voice.
"As I said before, I am a part of the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. And for how I know about you, my department likes to keep records of all Magical Creatures." She tried to keep her annoyance in check.
Carlisle spoke again, "I've heard whispers of a 'wizarding' world while I was still in Volterra. But I always dismissed it as rumors."
Hermione nodded, "I'm not surprised you've only heard rumors. When you were in Volterra wizards were still keeping away from everyone, even other magical beings, and here in the states the majority of wizards stay towards the east, so that's also where their ministry focuses the most effort. In fact that's why I'm here, instead of an American official; they are currently busy dealing with a group of extremists."
Carlisle was about to ask another question when Isabella barged in, "But, we drink blood. That obviously makes us vampires."
She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, "Technically you're hybrids created in the 9th century by an," Hermione hesitated for a moment, "eccentric wizard who had a bad habit of attempting to enhance magical beings by cross-breeding them."
"So what are we supposedly hybrids of?" Emmet asked.
She opened her mouth to answer, but Edward interrupted her, "SERIOUSLY! FARIES!"
Crap! I forgot the mind reader. She silently cursed herself as the coven dissolved into a mob of undecipherable voices.
"What do you mean 'faries'?" "No way!" "You can't be serious?" "Really?"
After a few minutes of them basically repeating over and over again that they couldn't be fairies, Hermione was getting more than a little irritated. All she wanted to do was go home, curl up on the couch with a nice book, and just relax. But, her stupid boss, at the stupid ministry, just had to make her come here instead. Looking at the ceiling she tried to calm down, all this stress was not good for the baby.
Finally, she brought her fingers to her mouth and let out the loudest whistle she could manage. They're attention followed immediately and she let out a sigh of relief. "I realize this must be extremely difficult for you all to take in, but let me explain." When none of them interrupted she continued, "You, and others like you are a mix between fairies and vampires. This mix gives you almost the same affects as normal vampires, except for the fact that you can walk outside during the day without any truly dire consequences. And really the only obvious affects from the fairy part of the mix is your sparkilyness, which isn't really that bad….but then again it is rather fruity."
Before they had time to say anything, an owl swooped in through the chimney and landed on her outstretched arm. They silently watched her as she read the letter presented by the already gone owl. After putting the letter away, she looked back to them apologetically, "I'm very sorry, but I must be going." She fished through her bag, and pulled out a small business card, "If you have any more questions just contact this number." With that she spun on her heals and apparated away with a crack.
The coven sat staring at each other for several minutes before Alice spoke up, "Is anyone else extremely confused right now?"
One by one everyone's hands raised, and Alice sighed, "Yeah, I saw that happening, but I hoped I was wrong."