A/N: A twist on Bella's thoughts after Edward leaves her in New Moon…only with a different ending than in the books.
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Most people are afraid of dying. Bella Swan is terrified of life.
It's in the breaths she takes (short, quick, want instead of need), and the cold temperature of her skin.
In so many ways, living is a lot more difficult than death. Bella knows this better than anyone.
Pain is the biggest factor (harsh cutting circuits into blood; red and deep and beautiful), but Bella has felt pain in life that could not possibly match the pain in death.
Bella has felt broken hearts and scorched bites—she has been cut in two like the assistant in a magic show, hacked into pieces like a science experiment.
(There is no pain when there is nothing)
Bella knows pain like the back of her hand. Death would be a release compared to this.
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Bella sees love as the gold in Edward's eyes. She doesn't see stars or fireworks when he kisses her; just pale skin and bronze hair.
The color of life is copper (russet brown; her hand in his; something to hold on to). The color of life is dark, vibrant black.
Life is not perfect like her image of love. Life is being stuck in potholes and calling a mechanic. Life is drowning in an ocean and having the strength to breathe again.
Love is glitter, but life is the sun.
(It takes a while for her to realize the difference)
Bella's own world is colored with the faded grays of reality. She may not be breathing yet, but she's getting there.
Patience.
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Bella has been faced with death enough times to know what it feels like.
Never has her life flashed before her eyes, and never has she wanted to say I'm sorry to those she wronged.
Bella pretends she doesn't beg when she reaches the darkness (for making the wrong choices, wasted hours, rainy days). Bella pretends she doesn't wish for life.
Bella's not so weak that she needs something to hold on to.
And the only thing weaker than being afraid of life is being afraid of death.
(Bella is afraid of time. Never enough to mend her broken heart)
Bella isn't weak. She takes Jacob's hand as he pulls her out of the water and counts the seconds it takes for her to breathe again.
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She tells him one day over warm Cokes in the back of the garage (russet arms and tall frames that keep her safe), just because she can (because he'll listen).
He says that living's hard, but death is more surprising. He says that death is worse for the living because the living are left alone.
Bella already knows that she's alone.
Jacob takes her hand in his and let's her know that life doesn't have to be so hard.
(She doesn't imagine gold eyes when he's touching her)
Living isn't so bad when you've got something to live for.
Dying is easier when you're not leaving something behind.
--
Bella Swan learns to be afraid of death. She was never that strong, anyway.
Bella learns through motorcycle accidents and werewolf hunts (scars on Emily's pretty face; healing bruises and bite marks) that it's okay to be afraid.
More than ever, it's Jacob that keeps her alive. Because imagining his eyes without life is like imaging the sun without light.
Bella doesn't want to be alone.
(Bella was never really dead except in her own pale skin)
The first kiss reminds her that life is full of pain, but death skips out on all the good stuff.
Bella tells Jacob she loves him and holds on tighter to life.
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