I did it. I really did it. And… it went awful.
Everyone convinced me that she would love me back. Farkle told me to tell her. Zay told me to tell her. Even Shawn had me believing I had a shot.
She never wanted me.
I can still hear the words in my head. They're playing over and over again. I can't shut them off.
"I love you, Riles."
"I love you too, Peaches."
"No, I'm in love with you. Like I want to be with you."
"Oh…" That's when she had gotten quiet. She didn't want to break my heart, but that's what was about to happen. "I've never thought about you like that. I'm sorry, Maya."
I died in that moment. I could feel my heart being ripped out of my chest. All that's there now is a gaping hole from where I used to love her… where I love her.
I'm hopeless.
"You aren't hopeless; you still have her," Zay told me after it happened. Easy for him to say; he didn't just have his heart stomped on.
Why did I have to feel this way? Why couldn't I just turn off the feelings? Everything hurts so bad right now.
I haven't been able to stop crying for days. The only reason I haven't ended it is because I couldn't do that to her. She'd blame herself. I couldn't force that on her. I almost did it this morning. I had the razor in my hand, but I stopped myself. I imagined her face when she would find out. That's the only thing that stopped me. Even if I was gone, I could never hurt her like that.
I should have never said anything. I should have kept it inside. How could I have been so stupid to think she'd love me too?