Riley Matthews hated spring cleaning. Every April her parents forced her to clean out her room for old books and clothes to donate. It was for a good cause, but it took an entire week out out of her life every year.

She began to scoop piles of junk out from under her bed.

"Gah this is dusty," she coughed out, frustrated. A small brown leather notebook came zooming out with with her miss matched shoes and discarded school supplies. "What's this?" she asked herself as she picked it up. It wasn't a book she had ever seen before.

Riley opened it to be greeted by her best friend's handwriting. She was about to close it, not wanting to invade Maya's privacy, when her name caught her eye. They weren't supposed to have secrets from each other. If there were no secrets reading this wouldn't tell her anything she didn't already know.

9-2-15
I stopped on my way home today and bought you. It feels really awkward writing my feels down in a book, but my therapist said it may help. Riley doesn't know I've been seeing a therapist since my dad left. It's where I disappear to every first Wednesday of the month right after school. She already thinks I'm broken. I don't need her knowing this. Lately I've started feeling weird and Dr. Branford thought writing it down would help. I'm not sure what to write really… The only thing I know is that I can't stop thinking about her. It's scaring me.

9-13-15
Well it's me again. This feels stupid. I can't believe I have to write in this stupid book.

9-28-15
I couldn't stop looking at her today. I think I did it too long. She's so pretty though. How can she be so pretty?

10-17-15
Am I dating Lucas? How did this happen? She pushed us together to make me happy. I should like him, he is a boy. I'll try to because she seems to want me to.

10-18-15
I dumped a smoothie on his head. Good times.

1-1-16
I don't know what happened last night. I'm so confused I have to get this out. She still has feelings for Lucas. I don't want her with Lucas. I don't want to be with him either. I don't understand what's going on. Sometimes I wish that stupid Huckleberry would just go away. Of course I don't mean it. He's my friend. Things with her were just so much easier before.

5-21-16
I let another couple months go buy since I wrote in you last. This month has been hard. She changed our window… Everything is changing. Why can't things stay the same? Why do we have to grow up?

6-4-16
How are you so perfect, Riles? Everything you do is perfect. When you're goofy you're perfect. When you're serious you're perfect. I don't get it.

7-15-16
I'm not sure when writing in this became talking to you. I'm supposed to tell you everything, but some things I can't… I don't know why. My doctor was right. I was keeping a lot inside. I'm still trying to work through it all.

7-23-16
Summer is almost over. This sucks. How many more years do we have to do this? Just promise you're always going to be there with me. As long as we're together I can make it through this.

8-15-16
I'm in a hole. I'll stick by you no matter what, Riles, but we're in a hole!

8-23-16
You're scared to show people the real you. I don't understand that. You're wonderful. There isn't a thing wrong with you, Riley. You're perfect. You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are. I'm the broken one. There isn't a person alive who wouldn't love you.

9-6-16
I got an A! I'm so proud of myself! You got a D… I wish you had gotten an A too so you could be happy with me. I just want you to be proud of me.

9-9-16
I painted a purple cat today. I'm scared.

9-12-16
Ok… so I'm me again. I've got the clothes. I need to do something. You think I'm going to set off a fire alarm or steal. First thing, Riley, do you honestly think I'd steal from your mom's place? That kind of hurt. I need to do something big. I don't know what to do. I'm me but I don't feel like me! I feel lost. I don't know what I like anymore. I don't like Lucas… I don't think I like Lucas. I'm still jealous… Nothing makes sense anymore!

9-13-16
So I got arrested, sort of. You changed me, Riley. I had the brick. I had the hammer. I did nothing. You've given me hope. I'm not supposed to hope! How do I get you out of my head. How do I get this Dorothy voice out of my head? I can't do anything without thinking of you. These girls tried to hurt you, Riley. They used to be friends of mine, and they tried to hurt you… I can't let anyone hurt you ever. I chased after them for trying. You're the most important person in my entire life, Riles… You make me strong… and really really confused.

9-16-16
You did that thing again today. You put your hand under my chin and turned my head to look at you. I couldn't help but look down at your lips. I wanted to kiss them so badly. I figured out what these feelings have been at that moment. This was never about Lucas. I want to be with you. Hope is for suckers.

9-17-16
I'm in love you. There I said it! I hate myself for it, but it's the truth.

9-24-16
NATURE! I missed you on the hike today. I wish I could have stayed back at the lodge with you, but if I had Farkle would be dead so at least I did something good.

9-25-26
Conversation is the most important part of any relationship. We talk all the time, but I guess it's my fault for only telling you half of what I'm feeling. Adventure and Romance… that's us. That should be us. I told Lucas to go to you today. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I told him to tell you he loves you… I wish I could be the one telling you that, but you don't want to hear it from me.

9-26-16
I want to punch him. I want to throw him on the ground and beat the crap out of him. He took you away from me! I know I told him to go to you, but now I want to take it back! It's never just us anymore. He is always there. You used to hold my hand. I want to rip his hand from yours because that's where mine should go! Not his! Are you blind? How can you not see that I love you? What does he have that I don't have…besides anatomy. Why did I have to be born a girl? If I was a boy you'd want me. If I was a boy I could kiss you like he gets to.

10-2-16
Shawn married my mom today. I have a dad who loves me. I forgot what that feels like. I tried not to, but I pictured my wedding… you were the one next to me. I'm a mess, Riles. I don't know what to do. It hurts to not be with you. It's messed me up real bad for so long. I should be so happy right now, but all I can think about is how you held onto me on the roof and the feeling of your arm around me.

10-10-16
Never lose that spark in your eyes, Riley. I was so scared you were going to lose yourself. I already did that. You need to be you, Riles. I don't know what I'd do without you. Don't let this stupid messed up world we live in change you.

10-15-16
You lost your teddy bear today. Beary the Bear-Bear. I wasn't as supportive as I should be. I've been trying to deal with all of these feelings and I couldn't handle it! Yet, in the end you still put me first. I really don't deserve you. Zay asked me out. He said its so I don't feel like a third wheel. I think he knows. How does everyone see it besides you? Or is it that you do see it and you don't want to tell me? I know you'd never hurt me…is that why you're pretending you don't see how I look at you?

10-16-16
Today you told me you wanted to go to Ireland with me. I hur-hured you. That's what I did to Lucas when you thought he was who I had feelings for. Is it clear now? How can I make you see it? You're the one I want.

10-19-16
I'm gay. I've been fighting it. First I admitted I was in love with you and that was hard enough. I don't like boys… I tried! I tried to like Lucas… I tried to like your uncle. I don't want a nice guy. I don't want any kind of guy. I want a nice girl. I want you, but you aren't mine to have. You'll never think of me like this. You're with Lucas. You do like boys. You have the nicest boy there is. He's perfect for you. I want to dump another smoothie on his stupid perfect cowboy head.

10-21-16
Why is your dad teaching our health class? I cannot learn about sex from your dad. I can't be learning about things I want to do with you from your dad. I just admitted I wanted to have sex with my best friend. I'm hopeless. At least you'll never read this, Honey. There would be no coming back from that.

10-26-16
Your dad asked if we were important. No one is important except for you, not to me. I'm not even important. Maybe that's why you don't see this. You're the most important person on earth. You're my light, Riles. I guess I'm lucky enough to be able to bask in your glow.

Riley could not believe her eyes. Every entry was about her. There were dozens more just the same. Maya Hart, her best friend in the world, had been in love with her for the entirety of their high school lives. Passage after passage describing how perfect she saw Riley and how broken and undeserving she saw herself. Riley flipped to the latest page, desperate to see if Maya still felt the same after all this time.

3-9-20
Wow, I can't believe I forgot about this old book. What do I say anymore? You know everything… but then again, you don't know anything actually. The real you still doesn't know. Telling you is the hardest thing I would ever have to do in my life, because I am so afraid that once you learn the truth you are going to leave me.

The thing is, I've been in love with you since we were kids. You never noticed me staring at you. It was always you who looked away first, while I was mesmerized.

We graduate high school soon, and soon you will be gone… first college, then forever… married to some Huckleberry Ranger Rick… maybe not Lucas… maybe some other cowboy… but whoever it is they won't be good enough for you. No one is good enough for you.

I am not good enough for you.

Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn't I be normal, Riley? Why did I have to… I shouldn't feel like this. I am so sorry.

I still don't know what to do about college. I haven't told you I was accepted because I know you'll want to room together… it would be too hard. It's hard enough being around you without seeing you every minute of the day. I can't imagine waking up in the same room and not being able to kiss you good morning. I'm going to die never knowing what it was like to kiss you… that hurts so much.

I don't know why I'm writing this… Maybe if I get all of this out the feelings can go away? It hasn't worked the thousands of other times I tried. This time could be different. Maybe this time I can erase these feelings.

I know it won't work. No matter how hard I try I can't fall out of love with you.

"Riles?"

Riley looked up from what she was reading, her cheeks stained with fallen tears, "I didn't know, Peaches."

"Didn't know what? What are you reading?" As Maya walked closer she saw her own script adorning the pages of the book Riley had open on her lap. She froze, her heart stopping as her worst fears came crashing down around her.

"Why didn't you tell me?"