Summary: During a Marauder luncheon, Sirius and Remus have a banter that is filled with so many rock-related puns it makes James and Peter want to stone them to death. A 'punny' oneshot that includes SiriusRemus slash

Rating: Teen

Genres: Comedy, friendship, romance

Words: 1,145

Disclaimer: The characters are J. K. Rowling's, but I take credit for all but three of the puns (Those I heard from real-life friends of mine.), so you can blame me if you groan and thank me if you laugh!

Rocky Relationship

It was early March, and the weather was pleasant enough for the Marauders to eat their lunch outside next to the lake.

"It being so nice now just means that there's going to be a lot of storms at the end of the month," commented Peter as he bit into his sandwich.

Sirius jabbed the pudgy boy in the side with his elbow. "Stop being such a pessimist, Wormtail."

Peter grimaced at Sirius as he rubbed his now sore side. "I'm not being pessimistic. That's how the saying goes."

"What saying?" questioned James and Sirius simultaneously.

Ignoring them both for a moment, the rat looked at Remus. "I'm guessing it's just a Muggle phrase?"

"Yes." Remus conferred an explanation to the purebloods since they were evidently in need of one. "Some Muggles say that 'if March comes in like a lion, it goes out like a lamb. And if it comes in like a lamb, it goes out like a lion.'"

"I can't think of anything better to be than a lion." James grinned and did the signature Gryffindor Pride high-five with Sirius. It was something James had created when he was made Quidditch captain, and he'd been striving to get their entire House to do it. Thus far, only Lily Evans and her closest friends were utterly resistant to the idea.

"It refers to the weather," Remus pointed out calmly, "and lamb-like weather is certainly preferable to lion-like weather."

Sirius argued merely for the sake of being contrary. "Not if there's someone around that you'd like to get struck by lightning."

"Like you?" Remus retorted wryly.

"Moony!" Sirius gasped. "You want me to get electrocuted? Why, I've never been so shocked in all of my life."

Remus' lips twitched, and the twitching grew into a full simper when James and Peter groaned aloud.

"This isn't going to turn into another pun-making contest, is it?" Peter asked with dread.

Rather than respond, Sirius continued his dispute with Remus. "Just for that, I'm not sharing my chocolate with you." He reached into his bag and pulled out a crimson box filled with sweets. Even though Valentine's Day had been two weeks ago, James and Sirius had been given so many treats from admiring girls that they still had some left over.

Knowing that Peter was never going to receive a reply to his question, James replaced it with one of his own. "Who's that from?"

Sirius peeled the card off of the box and dropped it onto the grass without reading it. "No idea, but I hope she sent me something good."

Peter picked up the card. "It's a red heart that says 'be mine' on the front in sparkly letters."

"Is it?" Sirius did not seem the least bit interested; he focused on using his wand to check if any of the desserts had been spiked with potions. Additionally, Remus did not display any twinges of envy. The Prefect tranquilly continued to read the book that he'd unsurprisingly brought on the picnic with him.

Taking the canines' reactions as positive signs that they felt utterly secure in their relationship, James deemed it safe to make jokes about the topic. He echoed musingly, "'Be mine.' It's a bit creepy for someone to want to claim ownership over another person like that, eh?"

"It would be," Sirius agreed through a mouthful of chocolate. He'd apparently found nothing wrong with the sweets since he'd begun to devour them without any table manners. However, in Sirius' defense, they weren't at a table. "But I'm pretending it refers to miners instead of me."

They all stared at him incredulously. "Miners?"

"You know, people that mine and have…" he grinned as he finished, "pet rocks."

The Siriusly poor joke could have been left alone if the werewolf hadn't put down his book and said, "It reminds me of our own rocky relationship."

The implied challenge was understood, and Sirius showed his acceptance by answering, "Can't we start with a clean slate?"

James and Peter exchanged looks of horror. Short of a Silencing Charm, there would be no stopping the infamously 'punny' pair now.

Remus shook his head. "I appreciate the sediment, Sirius, but too much has happened for things to be smoothed over between us."

The dog animagus adopted a pseudo-vexed expression. "When did you become so jaded?"

"When you started taking me for granite," Remus countered swiftly.

"I'd feel comfortable expressing my sapphire-y hot love for you if you didn't act as cold as stone."

"I'll stop acting like stone once you realise what a gem I am."

"I always tell you what impressive family jewels you have," protested Sirius "Isn't that enough?"

"Of quartz not! Things that aren't rock-hard are valuable, too."

"I know that. Gold is soft when it's first unearthed, and you have a heart of gold."

Remus coyly covered his mouth and pretended to blush. "You're not just saying that so you can get your boulders lodged in the entrance to my cave, are you?"

That one caused Peter to truly blush, and provoked James to tug his own hair in the futile hope that physical pain would distract him from the painful puns his so-called friends were uttering beside him.

"I swear, I'm not," Sirius vowed to his lover dramatically. "I know I should gravel for your forgiveness for having never told you this before…"

"How could I not forgive you? You're my diamond in the ruff, Padfoot." Remus figured that he deserved double points since 'ruff' was a dog reference. The competition's overall theme happened to be rocks today, but alluding to their animal forms was invariably allowed.

Two could play at the double points game. "And you're the opal of my eye, Moonstone." Sirius took Remus' hands in his. "And I hope that you'll always-" Their eyes locked and they completed the sentence together, "Be mine."

Unable to tolerate another play-on-words, James shouted, "If you don't shut up, I'm going to punish both of you!"

"You two deserve to be stoned to death," Peter added.

The canines tore their gazes away from one another and blinked at their companions. They'd obviously forgotten that James and Peter were there, but they recovered quickly.

"Sorry." Sirius' grin was not remotely remorseful. "We're basically done with our verbal foreplay anyway, so we'll just go off by ourselves for a while and…"

"Collect rocks," Remus offered with a smile.

"Precisely!" Sirius stood and, because his fingers were still entwined with Remus', he pulled the Prefect up with him. "Later, gents!"

The other two Marauders waved good-bye until the couple was out of sight.

James breathed a sigh of relief.

Hearing the sound, Peter looked at his friend and asked, "You needed a break from their cheesy puns too?"

James blamed Sirius and Remus for making him say what he said next: "You cheddar believe it!"