I've been reading too many stories written by XxRandomNemesisxX and She-Who-Has-a-Very-Long-Name. Do I need any more explanation? I don't own Lord of the Rings or Turquoise, only myself, Karm Starkiller.

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE MIDDLE-EARTH TO YOU?

By Karm StarkillerChapter 1 – The Council of Elrond/meet Karm and Turquoise!

"The Ring must be destroyed. It must be cast into the fiery chasm from whence it came!" declared Lord Elrond. "Who will take it?" He looked around at the group of Men, Dwarves, Hobbits, Elves, Wizards, (OK, only one wizard – and one accounted-for Hobbit) and two human girls. Wait a second, where did the girls come from?

"Where did you come from?" demanded Elrond, giving them his Eyebrows of Doom. "Who are you?"

The older one grinned wickedly. "Elen sila lumen omentielvo. I'm Karm Starkiller. I'm a fanfiction author, not the character I made up with the same name, and I'm here to hijack the story! I promise not to change major events too much, but I reserve the right to bring in any characters from any book or movie at any time. So does my little sister. She hasn't decided what name to use in this story, but don't ignore her. She can morph into a tiny, ferocious battle-Elf in 1.2345 seconds when she gets mad. Oh, wait a second." Karm bent down and listened intently. "She says her name is Turquoise. Don't be surprised if she changes it mid-chapter, though. Anyway, Elrond, as you were saying?"

Elrond shook himself out of a state of shock. These girls were going to be nothing but trouble, he was certain. Anyone whose name was 'Starkiller' couldn't be good news for the Elves, especially if they couldn't pronounce Quenya greetings correctly to save their lives. "Who will take the Ring to Mordor?" he repeated.

"We should take it to Minas Tirith, not Mordor!" shouted Boromir. Karm looked at him in disgust.

"You soooo do not look like Boromir. You don't even look like a man of Gondor at all. The book said they had dark hair and grey eyes. Rohan, maybe, but not Gondor. Shut up and quit scaring Frodo, or he won't go on this mission…quest…thing and save the world. Frodo, do you have something to say?"

"I will take it," Frodo said. "I will take it to Mordor, but I do not know the way."

"No biggie," said Karm. "I'm sure Ellie of the Scary Eyebrows has a map you can borrow. I'm coming with you, by the way." Turquoise tugged at Karm's sleeve. "My little sister is coming too," added Karm.

"If by life or death I can serve you, Frodo, I will," said Strider/Aragorn/Estel/Elessar/Isildur's Heir. "You have my sword."

"And my bow!" A tall blond Elf stepped forward.

"And my axe!" shouted a Dwarf.

Karm looked at the Elf. "Whoa, Leggy, what happened to your hair? Who dyed it? They did an awful job. I don't see why the fangirls go nuts over the Elf."

Legolas turned red and sat down again. Nobody knew if he was more embarrassed by the insult to his hair or being called 'Leggy'. Gimli was glad he wasn't the only Elf-picker-on-er in the Council.

A small person jumped out of the corner. "Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me!" he declared, crossing his arms and standing protectively beside Frodo.

"It is indeed hard to separate you two, even when your master is summoned to a secret council and you are not, Samwise Gamgee," said Elrond.

"Oh my word, did Elrond almost smile just now?" shrieked Karm. "Ignore me for now. I'm just the insane fanfiction authoress providing commentary. I'll be back in the story again in a minute."

"We're coming too!" Two more Hobbits ran in.

"You need people of intelligence on this sort of mission…quest…thing," said the one with a scarf.

"They're so cute!" squealed the sisters.

"Turquoise, you spoke!" gasped Karm. "It's amazing!"

"Well, that rules you out, Pip," said the other new Hobbit.

"Be quiet, Merry," urged Karm. "I want to listen to Pippin's accent some more."

"So be it," said Elrond. "Nine Walkers against the Nine Riders. You shall be—"

"You mean there's one of us to be killed by each Ringwraith?" interrupted Karm. "That's not fair."

"It makes for such excellent plot balance," insisted Elrond.

"The Wraiths are more powerful than us – I think – so there should be more of us to even out the odds," Karm stated matter-of-factly. "I move that Gandalf comes too." The Hobbits cheered. "I think that settles it— what, Turquoise? Boromir? Why? He's a jerk. You're right, he's important for the plot. Besides, the fangirls need more guys than just Leggy and Strider/Aragorn/Estel/Elessar/Isildur's Heir to drool over. Fine, the not-Boromir can come too. Huzzah, we're the Fellowship of the Ring! Whoops, that's Ellie of the Eyebrows of Doom's line. Want it back?"

"You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring," announced Elrond in an impressive voice. "May the blessings of Elves, Men, and Free Folk go with you."

"And Dwarves, and Hobbits, and Fanfiction Writers, and Wizards!" crowed Karm. "And ponies!" She turned and started petting Bill the Pony.

"Great! Where are we going?" asked a small voice. Everyone stared in shock as they realized Turquoise had spoken on her own.

"Turquoise! Don't take Pip's lines! I want to hear his accent," whined Karm. "I agree to let you come with me, and this is what you do?"

Turquoise suddenly had two knives on her back, a bow, a quiver full of arrows, a sword, and a Ka-Bar fighting and utility knife. The Fellowship all said "Oooooh!" at once when they realized they had just witnessed Turquoise morph into a tiny battle-Elf.

"Um…never mind," said Karm, and went back to hugging the pony.