息をしてみて
It was a strange thing, he thinks. The world was not the same place after his mother died – this much he knew. However, he never realized the bland grayness that had taken over his world, turning everything he saw into a monochrome from even which he felt disconnected, like there was a wall between it and him, a wall encompassing more than physical distance, but one he could never overcome because there was no end to it, nor the desire to overcome it, until the color came pouring back, like a bucket of bright, happy paint flooding everything he saw, that day under the full-bloomed cherry blossoms, and that girl, with that insane bipolar temperament, that hair of liquid gold, and that easy, beautiful smile that hid a pain he could never fathom. She was an enigma to be certain. The girl who likes his best friend… He did not even know he had been searching for anything, but when he saw her he knew. He'd found the reason to live. From the moment he saw her, he'd always known his life was hers. He'd live only for her… And now the reason for his living is about to die. She'll give his life a purpose, and then go. Waltz out of his life like she waltzed into it. What bitter irony.
ただの幸せに気づいたら
Sometimes he felt like he was a leaf floating in the wind. Well, until he met her. His life had had no purpose. The only thing he was good for he could no longer do. The bottom of the ocean where he'd been, with not a breath to be drawn. For two years it had felt like his chest was being constricted, like there were cold steel fingers wrapping around his heart and squeezing until there was nothing left. No, not two years… Probably even more than that. He'd lived to please his mother, but of course his music can't save anyone… Music can communicate your feelings, but it can't keep death at bay… He realizes that now. She came into his life like the wind, treacherous, fleeing, but oh so lulling… The delicious taste of some sweet from the bakery he can no longer be bothered to remember the name of, some chocolate-y think with a strong taste that you don't really notice until it fades off your tongue because it's too shy to stay. Maybe she's the leaf in the wind, because he isn't aimless anymore. He knows her now. He lives for her. He has a purpose: her.
もう二度と溺れないよ
Aimless, he'd been… But now when he walks, it's like his feet have a purpose of their own. His thoughts have a purpose. His heart has a purpose… His life has a purpose. Someone once said – in the wake of her illness he can no longer care to remember who – that the most painful thing is to exist without a purpose. Now that he looks back on the time when he existed without a purpose, he realizes it's true. That's exactly what it is: existing, for without a purpose you can't live. The girl who likes my best friend. A wry smile touches his lips. For all her bravado, she's as shy and silly and immature as he is… She always has a smile on her… A beautiful smile… A smile that saved him when he had no idea where to go or what to do… She removed those cold steel fingers from around his heart. She didn't free his heart, no, rather she enslaved it in a hold a thousand – no, a million times… He pauses, and smiles. No, she enslaved his heart with a hold countlessly stronger than anything the cold fingers of despair and loneliness and purposelessness ever could. He's a slave to her whim, now… You can't live without a purpose, so once that purpose is taken away from him, what's the point in continuing day after day in a monochrome world? He isn't sad, no. He's actually happy. Alongside her… He can think of no better way to bid the world farewell. He has to bid the world farewell someday anyway… Everyone does, but he doesn't have to bid farewell to her. He refuses to.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star…
Her voice, that beautiful voice that sounds like it's a harp fashioned in heaven, graces his ears again, blesses his ears again… That's an interesting though. She's too pure for this world. This world is a place full of pain, sorrow, loneliness, grief… Too full of misfortune. She is sunlight incarnate. Beauty manifest. Perfection born. Perhaps she was fashioned in heaven after all.
How I wonder what you are…
She sits were children around her, her skin gray, her lips blue, but she shines with almost the same life she always has. Of course children are drawn to her. Children are innocent, untried, untested. Of course children love her. There's no ill intent inside those beautiful blue eyes, no malice, no hate. They're pure. Everyone loves her. How could anyone not? She's perfection itself. Everyone loves her. He loves her.
She quiets as she sees him approach. He doesn't smile, because he isn't surprised. He wasn't thinking where he was going, but of course his feet carry him only to her. She's the reason he lives, after all. He doesn't smile, but she does. The children stare with wide eyes as the kind onee-chan stops singing, her beautiful face looking up at the newcomer.
"Shinjuu shitai," he says.
I want to commit double suicide with you.
Her eyes go wide.
They go back to her room. She has her doubts, of course. He asks her if she can survive, but she says there's no hope anymore. She asks him if he's sure, and he has to pause. All the time he's known her, he's stared at her back. She's always been ahead of him, pushing him, beckoning him, nudging him. He wonders when exactly he fell in love with her. Maybe it was the first time they played together, or maybe it was when she wept and it occurred to him he never wanted to see those tears again. No, it was likely when he first saw her, dancing among those April cherry blossoms… He pauses then. No, it was even before probably. It was as if everything that happened in his life, knowing Tsubaki and Watari, playing the piano, his mother dying… Everything happened so he could meet her. He lived so he could meet her one day. He realizes that now. It will be a short life, but he couldn't be happier. He'd give a life of a million years for a few weeks by her side. One smile is more precious than all the time in the world. She asks him if he's sure. But of course he is. He's always followed her. When she dies, he'll follow her to death too. Wasn't it better, he reasons, to die alongside her?
He asks her if she knows the cliff just outside town. It'll make a good spot, he thinks. She agrees. She knows the place, of course. Overlooking the place they'd grown up… Their houses, their school… The place they'd first met, the place they'd first played together. It has a good view, that cliff. There's dense woods leading up to it. They can spend a long time there without anyone bothering them.
"A – ano sa, Kaori..." he says quietly as she's stepping through the door. She turns to him, slight surprise on her face. It's the first time he's said her name, after all.
He looks into her eyes. "Boku wa sa... Nante iu ka..." His skin suddenly hyper-sensitive, a flush of awkwardness overtaking him, he scratches his head with one finger.
I... Well... How should I put it...
She tilts her head curiously.
"Suki da yo."
I love you.
Her eyes widen.
Suddenly he feels bolder, more daring. "Suki da yo," he says, his heart pounding. "Aishiteiru."
I love you. I'm so madly in love with you I can't stand it anymore.
Perhaps it sounds brash, unsophisticated, but it's the most sincere words he's ever spoken.
She cries then, and he smiles slightly, because she's smiling too because these are tears of happiness and not of grief. She tries to stem the flow with her wrist, but they only flow faster.
"Watashi mo… watashi mo aishiteru," she whispers.
I love you too…
They do leave a note on her bed. Their friends should know they're not sad. They're happy. Two lovers who couldn't be together because the world is too cruel… They'll leave the world behind, then, but they won't leave each other. They go to his house first. Her legs are weak, so he carries her on his back. He casts the books off the piano, dusts it, cleans the room until it's spotless, and changes her into a dress. He puts a tuxedo on, and they perform. Their last performance… And their last performance together.
君の描く未来に
私はいるのかな
He smiles.
いるよ
He cries. She does too. They weep and weep and weep, severing all ties to the world, taking the last of their burdens off their shoulders. He'd been afraid, he realizes, somewhere deep inside… But he sheds that fear now, and when they leave the house for the last time, in the late evening, he realizes his heart is lighter than it's ever been.
They spend the night in the woods on the cliff. It's the sweetest night of his life. He tastes her tears, her sweat, her mouth, her tongue, her honey. Her legs have no strength left, but she finds she doesn't hate them when she feels his lips on her toes, her ankles, her shins, her calves, her knees, her thighs, between her legs… Their sweaty bodies slide against each other in the night. He holds her close, panting, covered in sweat, and brushes his lips against her forehead in a gentle kiss.
They stand side-by-side, as it is meant to be, upon the cliff as the sun rises beyond the horizon, bathing the entire town in a red hue. There's color in the world, he notices with a smile. They won't have discovered her absence or their note yet. There isn't a checkup due until noon today. No one knows they're here. Which is just fine, he thinks.
He looks to her. She's preserved her strength, so she can stand today. Her legs are weak, and her knees shake, but she can stand. She smiles at him, and suddenly it hits him how happy he is. How happy he is that he's with her, and that she's with him, and that they'll be together in death. They asked for their ashes to be buried in the same grave… Not just buried together, but also stored in the same urn, where they will blend together. Maybe there's an afterlife, where they can live in peace and love together as they couldn't in this world.
"Te wo tsunaide," she says softly.
Hold my hand.
Of course he does. He'll never let her go. They look at each other, the peace washing over them. He smiles then. He has the woman he loves beside him. They look at each other, close their eyes, and step over the threshold of the world.
Whew. That happened. Please favorite and review if you liked it. Also, I probably have typos, so forgive me for that. I haven't proofread yet.
Yondekurete arigatou.
Mata!