A massively cracked out fic about the epic love between Severus Snape and Remus Lupin.
In a little house in Spinner's End, there lived two men who were more than friends.
In the master bedroom were two small closets. One contained several identical black robes. The other was crammed with threadbare jumpers in all the hues of the achromatic rainbow. In the bed itself lay two interesting characters. On the left was the owner of said black robes, whose rather large nose snored like a gale on the high seas. On the right lay only half a man, the other half given to lycanthropy and wizard weed. He lay awake staring at the dour ceiling, enjoying the perfect song his companion unconsciously sung from his magnificent appendage.
It had been the nose which attracted Remus Lupin in the first place. Knowing what a beast he was at an early age, Lupin strove to cultivate a cultured aspect, one casualty of which was reading fine literature. His boyish heart had fallen in love with Cyrano de Bergerac, and because of this, large noses were to him what big penises were to his friend Sirius Black. So when Lupin first spied Severus Snape in their first year of Hogwarts, the other boy's massive honker was like an Cupid's arrow to Lupin's heart, even if it turned out his best friends hated the "Ugly greasy git" with the passion of Miss Havisham for rotten wedding cakes.
(By the by, Miss Havisham was another favorite of Lupin's, because he really dug her whole schtick of eternally useless mourning. Lupin figured if anything ever happened to Severus, Lupin would hole up in Spinner's End and never change out of the jumper he'd been wearing when he'd first learned of Severus's death, and do cool stuff like let all the food in the house rot, and invite small children over to see it and freak their brains out. Though kids nowadays, it'd take more than rotting Spam to scare them. Also, Lupin had no fake money to offer them as a fake inheritance, so scratch that plan.)
The third and unworthy of mentioning (stop that Severus) member of the household was a slavering dog that drooled all over the place and humped the furniture with a pretty, shiny coat who fetched the paper like a good boy. He sometimes stank a little though no more than Snivellus (stop that Sirius), but he was a nice dog overall, when he wasn't chewing on Severus's robes.
All in all it was a happy situation, especially since Severus's parents were dead and buried under the house. Lupin was an excellent cook, and so everybody ate well, and Severus was an excellent potions maker, so if anyone got poisoned by Lupin's cooking, Severus could whip up an antidote. And the dog guarded the house against homeless Muggles, so it all worked out.
It was touch and go for a while there, though, when Severus thought Lupin and Sirius were having an affair. Lupin had to painstakingly explain that quadrupeds are different from bipeds, and he shouldn't be blamed for anything that happened during the full moon. After that Severus finally stopped snivelling complaining, but now gets drunk on gillyweed water whenever the full moon happens.
(One time, though, Lupin came downstairs and found Padfoot's head in Severus's lap, and neither of them could blame a full moon on anything, especially since it was eleven AM. So Severus, just shut the bloody hell up.)
Anyway, in the bed lay a werewolf and a man with a big nose, and they were both naked as dogs. When Severus woke up, Lupin embraced him tenderly, and Severus suffered the embrace for a minute before he finally said "Turn to page 394." That was their code word. After Severus demonstrated to Lupin the superiority of bipeds over quadrupeds LOL NO Lupin curled up with Severus romantically, said coyly "Do you know what today is?" Since Remus always acts just like a girl whenever he's boned sideways. Also, quadrupeds bipeds
"Ah yes," Severus Snivellus Severus said. "Isn't today International Gobstones Day?" Greasy git.
Lupin sulked. "I suppose," he replied.
Severus sighed, rolled his eyes, then reached under the bed to pull out a box wrapped in dull grey paper like Snivelly's underpants.
"For you," Severus said, offering Lupin the box.
"For me?" Lupin asked, accepting the gift. He opened it, and his lips wibbled when he saw that it was a colorless jumper.
"It's perfect," Lupin said tearfully, leaning over to kiss Severus on this tip of his large honker.
"Happy birthday," Severus said, looking handsome and debonair in his earnestness like a greasy nasty slimeball fug cute.
"Woof," said the handsome thoroughly despicable cute dog.