Title: Gone
Summary: Carson loses one of his best friends. How will he react when the information sinks in?
Spoiler: None really. It's not set in any season.
Disclaimer: Not mine, just borrowing.
Author's Note: This fic just attacked me tonight while I was sad. I hope you all enjoy it.
Dr. Carson Beckett trudged into his room dragging his feet heavily behind him with every additional step he took. It had been a very long day complete with yet another life or death situation, this time ending in a very tragic death. He felt as though he should have been able to prevent the unnecessary loss of life, he was a doctor after all, it was his job to heal not kill. But in the end the only thing he could grant was a peaceful, and abrupt, ending. Extreme radiation poisoning was not something any living being should have to experience – except maybe a Wraith – and if he is able, he will help make it so that no one does.
The door to his quarters shut upon his mental command, thanking the first deity that popped into his mind for the ATA gene. Normally he cursed the wretched thing that helped allow him to do things like activate certain technologies and operate the drone chair but at moments like this, he loved having the connection to the city. Being able to feel her in the back of his mind, quietly singing "Birks of Aberfeldie" as she responds to the slightest request, helps ease the ache in his heart and trample upon rising memories that come with days such as this.
He carelessly tossed his comm. link onto his bedside table and began stripping out of his Atlantis uniform. Every muscles in his body ached from the strain he'd put on them earlier. Busy days usually meant a lot of running – an activity that his out of shape bum wasn't used to – which usually meant a hot shower and some sort of analgesic cream massaged into the tender muscles before bed.
The clothing landed upon the bathroom floor with a heavy thump and his shoes thudded down on top of them, clattering noisily to the ground. He reached in and turned on the shower, not bothering to adjust the heat temperature as he went, then proceeded to pick up his clothes while he waited for the water to warm up.
As he past the mirror his reflection caught his attention and he turned to stop and stare at it, not recognizing the stranger facing him. Carson didn't consider himself to be a vain man but he knew that women found him to be attractive. Today however, staring at the face in front of him, he doubted even the most desperate of women would find him appealing.
Dark circles engulfed his eyes, the normally bright blue orbs dulled by pain and weariness and surrounded by swollen blood vessels. On his chin lay a four-day stubble that he hadn't had a chance to shave. If it hadn't have been for the white lab coat, Carson was sure people would have thought him to be drugged out of his mind on Wraith Enzyme rather than exhausted.
Pain spiked behind his eyes, driving a wedge through his skull. The headache that had slowly begun to build sometime during the past seventy-two hours was now at an all-time high, threatening to become a migraine with every passing second. He lowered his head, using the sturdy sink to hold him up as cold water began pouring out of the faucet seemingly of its own accord. Silently he thanked Atlantis for the welcome water and splashed it on his face, drinking in a bit of it at the same time, grateful for the filter that the scientists had attached to the city when he tasted nothing but pure water.
Steam began filling the room and he gingerly moved from the sink to the shower, proud of himself when he didn't sway or simply pass out with the movement. The heat from the water engulfed him in a comforting blanket, wrapping tightly around him and beginning to ease some of the aches that tormented his muscles. He stood there simply allowing the water to fall upon his bare skin, cascading down his shoulders and torso, dripping off his fingers and wrists on its way down to the shower floor.
The water began rolling backwards the way it came as he raised his arms and began to wash his hair, using the cleaning to massage at his scalp in hopes of massaging the headache away. His hands traveled over his head to the base of his scalp, massaging at the knots in his neck as the water washed the shampoo away.
He didn't know how long he had remained in the shower but he also didn't care. Thankfully Atlantis didn't have a timer on its water heater so the members of the expedition could take an hour long hot – or cold- shower if they so wished. It helped the staff on days that were extremely long and/or tiring. Often Colonel Sheppard wouldn't be seen in the infirmary for his post-mission check until an hour or two after the others thanks to this handy feature.
The door to the shower opened, briefly startling Carson before he settled in again, allowing the heat from the water relax and soothe him. Soft but strong hands wrapped themselves around his shoulders, slowly pulling him towards the body of his girlfriend, Meighan Ramsey. They had been dating for just over a couple of years, two very long years made easier thanks to her, and were slowly working their way to engagement.
Carson turned around, surrounding her sturdy frame with his arms as he pulled her into a deep, needed hug. The hot water soaked through her dark auburn hair, taking its time to work through the thick strands as it went. Random strands clung to his arms almost desperately and he found himself empathizing with them. He wanted to cling to Meighan like the lifeline she was for him but stopped himself with surprising self-restraint.
Meighan pulled away from him and Carson barely refrained from whimpering like a dog at the loss of contact. Bright green eyes full of curiosity and concern peered out of him out of a beautiful face lined with freckles upon the cheeks and soft, ivory skin. Her voice was gentle, soothing, as she spoke in calm alto tones. "Carson?" she inquired as he strong hands trailed up his arms. "Carson, are you alright?" Her manicured eyebrows drew together in focused concern but she silently waited for him to answer.
It always amazed him at how Meighan could use her voice. She hardly ever raised it. When she needed to get her point across, she actually lowered it and grew very quiet, drawing all attention to her. She could thicken it when she wanted it to sound full, silky or sultry but she could sharpen it when she needed to sound more professional. Sarcasm was something that sat well on the petite-looking woman and anger was something that came out strongly whenever it appeared, heating her eyes to the color of fire as it bubbled within her.
"Carson?" she asked again when she believed him not about to answer.
"Aye, I'm alright love," Carson assured her as best he could. His voice cracked on the word "I'm" belying his statement with its weakness. Shivers began to wrack his body despite the heat in the shower and he did his best to hide it from Meighan knowing it was shock finally hitting his system. Extreme radiation poisoning wasn't the worst thing he had seen since he'd come to Atlantis but he'd never been forced to watch a friend go through it. It was a sad statement to say that it was easier to help ease his friend's passing than it was to watch them suffer but for all its pitying tones, truth emboldened the words to their true strength.
A pencil-thin eyebrow raised in response to his false assurances but Meighan remained silent, allowing him the white lie. They both knew he wasn't alright, he wasn't even close to alright, but Meighan knew enough about him to know that he would talk when ready and now wasn't it. She wrapped her arms around him, stealthily turning off the shower which lay behind him, then opened the door and grabbed their towels.
Recognizing the dazed look in her boyfriend's eyes, Meighan proceeded to quickly dry herself off and dress, unsurprised when she entered the bathroom and found Carson half dressed, sitting on the floor, shaking like a leaf.
Jennifer Keller had called her to alert her to what had happened and her heart had broken for Carson and Colonel Sheppard the instant she'd processed the news. It was bound to happen, getting caught by your own experiment, one of these days but a part of her wished it could have happened to someone else on the expedition. She felt horrible for wishing that but for the impact it has on her friends, she'd take hell over the agony of seeing her family torn apart and hurting so badly.
She walked into the bathroom and quietly knelt down next to Carson. She wrapped her arms around his shivering form and simply held on to him as his walls slowly crumbled, his resolve and strength with them, and tears began trickling out of his eyes landing carelessly upon the hard floor of the bathroom. Her own tears joined his as her heart shattered at the sound of crying and she could do nothing but hold on to him tighter and slowly rock back and forth in hopes of providing some small form of comfort.
Time slowed to a stop as Carson cried his aching, torn heart out. He wasn't aware of much other than Meighan's arms around him, her smaller frame rocking his bigger one like a mother trying to soothe a child. He was gone, dead. How could that be? He had just talked to the man a few days ago, how could he be dead? The more he thought, the harder he cried. His throat hurt from the dry sobs that were now coming but he didn't care. He didn't have a right to think about his own discomfort. Not while his friend is dead.
When his cries quieted to blank stares, Meighan silently pulled him towards the main room. He winced when his muscles protested at the swift movement and Meighan's eyebrows drew together in more concern. She offered a nod of understanding when her mind ran through his last few days and simply continued to pull him towards the room and in the direction of the bed.
Carson let out a groan of complaint as he landed on the soft mattress but didn't have the energy to move or actually speak. His muscles screamed at him to stop moving and his mind railed against the information it was being forced to process. Clattering off to his left, drew his gaze and he saw Meighan pulling out some cream then spreading it on her hands. A combination of cold and heat touched his skin making the muscles beneath twitch as her hands began massaging the cream into the sore muscles starting from his legs and going up.
When she got to his back, her hands began kneading the tight lower back and Carson couldn't quite stifle the cry of pain the escaped. Between the constant movement, the up and down change of position, and the constant bending over of sickbeds, his lower back was the tightest.
"Sorry," Meighan apologized with a wince as she dug deeper into tight muscles. Her hands moved up his back, massaging soothing circles into it as she moved to his shoulders then down his arms. She knew the word was meant for more than just causing him pain but she couldn't seem to get anything more to come out of her mouth. His ragged breathing soon evened out and she knew he was close to falling asleep.
She leaned down, giving his bare shoulder a soft kiss before she curled up beside him and wrapped herself around him protectively, possessively. His sleeping words as she fell asleep almost broke her heart again but her mind soon shut down and sleep came.
"Good bye Rodney," Carson whispered, his mind replaying his last words to his friend. "You were the best friend a man could have."