Basil has the unfortunate luck of meeting a Mary Sue named Rachelle Mousetoria! What can he do to avoid her charms? Absolutely nothing if the author has her say! This is all done in jest of some of the fanfictions I've read over the years and not jst the GMD ones either. Read on, but be afraid. Mary Sue comes tonight. AND SHE COMES FOR YOU.
Basil of Baker Street lounged in his favorite (and rather scorched due to the fire's odd behavior when a certain sewer rat is mentioned) chair smoking his pipe and just thinking about life in general when suddenly and quite out of nowhere, he heard a knock upon his door. Rising out of his comfy scorched chair, he wondered briefly who would be calling upon him this late at night. Putting on a friendly smile and opening the door, he had to stop and stare at the oddest of sights before him.
"Basil of Baker Street, how may I be of- oh my." Standing in the doorway was one of the most beautiful mice the detective had ever seen. She had shoulder length luscious blond ringlets, pure snow white fur and sapphire eyes that sparkled more than diamonds. She wore a huge frilly pink gown with lace and ruffles and all manner of girly revolting things. True, she was a vision of angelic loveliness, but due to the mouse detective's awkward social skills, he didn't really have time to soak in her beauty as others would have and instantly fall in love. "Uh, can I help you, young lady?" The beautiful mouse groveled in his doorway, her sniffles adorable to some, but irritating to him.
"Oh won't you help me, kind and handsome sir?" She wailed in the voice of an angel. "My mother has cruelly forced me into the streets and I was attacked by ruffians! Might I stay by your fire? I can cook, clean, sing, and do pretty much anything for you." She looked him up and down. "Anything you want," she said fluttering her lovely lashes suggestively. Basil lifted an eyebrow.
"You may certainly not! This is not an inn! I am a detective, so unless you have a case kindly go away." He was about to close the door on her, but the girl cried out.
"But wait! I do have a case! My mother would not treat me so cruelly! I bet it was that sewer rat you hate so much who has done this to me! He must have kidnapped the Flavershams again and made a robot out of my mother!" Basil twitched. He knew everyone knew about the Diamond Jubilee, but this was getting ridiculous. He wanted nothing more than to send the crying girl on her way, but the author of this story had told him that he was to break cannon and do as she said or she'd write a slash fanfiction featuring him and Ratigan. Shuddering at the horrible thought of being forced to make violently sexy man-love to the rat he so passionately loathed, he rolled his eyes and reluctantly grabbed his coat all while mentally cursing the author as she cackled wickedly at his misfortune in a way that would make Vincent Price smile down at her from his well-deserved spot in heaven.
Basil didn't even ask the girl her name as he followed her through the rainy streets of London, still cursing the All Mighty Author.
"You haven't asked me who I am," the girl said sweetly as she fluttered her long lashes at him again.
"Quite frankly young lady, I couldn't care less." Basil said to her. The author said he had to go along with this story, she never said he had to enjoy it. The girl didn't seem to care about his negative and snide remarks worthy of Professor Severus Snape (who was quite glad the author hadn't picked on him...yet) and still flirted with the irritated detective every chance she got.
"I was voted Most Beautiful, Yet So Tragically Flawed at my school," the girl said. Basil had tried to block out her honey sweet voice, as it was driving him to the brink of total insanity. The author glared at him from her computer screen and with an evil Vincent Price-esque chuckle, she made him respond to the girl.
"Oh? And what flaw is that seeing as you're so wonderfully beautiful and talented?" Basil asked, throwing up a little in his mouth. The beautifully gorgeous mouse's snow white ears drooped sadly.
"Oh, I'm horribly clumsy...oh dear!" She tripped over her long gown and started to fall and Basil could feel his body being pulled in the girl's direction.
"Oh come on! Can't I just let her fall?" He appealed to the author. But the author was to show no mercy and the mouse fell right into the detective's protective arms. They stared at each other for a minute. Basil broke cannon to amuse the author once again against his will.
"So beautiful," he murmured. "Yet I don't even know your name." The girl giggled and blushed endearingly instead of the embarrassed blush that makes everyone look ridiculous.
"My name is Rachelle Anna Eugenia Renee Starr Mousetoria." She said looking into Basil's handsome forest green eyes and losing herself. Basil was forced to not drop her and face-palm at the annoyingly long name and the fact that he was now forced to save the girl's mother seeing as she was the Queen.
"It's a beautiful name," he said. "So unique and beautiful. Just like you." He was itching to kill something now. Fidget would suffice. He never liked that gibbering little twit anyways. Rachelle looked into his eyes again, but then snapped out of it as the random maniacal laugh of Vincent Price echoed through Buckingham Palace. Her sparkling sapphire azure eyes wide with terror, yet bright with determination to save her mother and get her man, she grabbed the detective's hand.
"Fly with me! We must save my mother from that sexy chilling voice!" Basil took this moment to break the fourth wall and glare directly at the author.
"You DIDN'T." Alas, she did. Rachelle's fairy/angel wings sprouted from the back of her dress and she carried them both into the open window of Buckingham Palace, right where the evil villain Professor Ratigan had previously laughed. The villain smile his trademark insane Cheshire cat grin as he stared at Basil. Basil, remembering the threat about the slashy fanfiction shuddered and tried not to look the rat in the eye.
"Basil of Baker Street as I live and breathe," Ratigan purred. "What brings you- what the blue bloody hell is that?" He asked pointing a gloved finger at the winged Rachelle.
"You really don't want to know, Ratigan old boy. Trust me when I say this." Ratigan turned to the author with a look of disbelief.
"What's going on? I don't even know why I'm in Buckingham Palace in the first place." The author gave him one of her own Cheshire cat smiles.
"All the better to make the story more dramatic with, my dear." She said waggling her fingers like a creeper with her right hand and typing with the other. Ratigan looked back at Basil.
"You'll never stop me Basil! I rule England now!" He laughed like a madmouse as he said this and eyed Rachelle lustfully. "You would make a fine princess for me, my dear..." he said in an oily voice literally dripping with charm, making a mental note to feed the author to his precious Felicia. Rachelle put a hand to her heart.
"My heart belongs to Basil, vile rat!" She cried out. "I will never love you!" Ratigan wasn't sure what pissed him off more, the fact that this little fool called him a rat, or that she actually was a part of the story and the author hadn't killed her off yet like she did to his OC love interest. Nevertheless, he still turned into his monster rat form and attacked Basil instead of Rachelle because God forbid he attack the one that actually pissed him off. Rachelle put a hand to her mouth as Rabid Ratigan and Basil fought to the death.
"I'm being fought over by two guys! How thrilling!" She said in an annoying sing-song voice.
"After I kill you Basil, I'm going to kill that annoying little girlfriend of yours, and then I'm going to kill the Author!" Ratigan cackled insanely as he crushed Basil's windpipe. Rachelle noticed her man was in danger so she summoned her magic goddess wand and pointed it at Ratigan.
"Release him, rat! Or face the consequences, for I am a level 999,999,999 mage!" She said, tossing back her curls. Ratigan's wickedly sexy Cheshire cat grin faded into an unamused frown.
"Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me," the rat muttered under his breath. Rachelle summoned all of her magical powers of super awesomeness and made the rat go 'splodey. Basil turned to Rachelle and with a pained look on his face, he said what was required of him.
"Oh Rachelle, you saved my life! I realize now how cruel I've been to you! I love you!" Rachelle was dying, because apparently magic can kill you and with her dying breath, she smiled.
"I love you too, Basil of Baker Street," then she died. Basil was about to rejoice in the fact that this hellish nightmare was finally over, but the author made him cry instead. He was forced to lean down and kiss Rachelle tenderly on the lips. To his horror, her sapphire azure sky blue eyes opened! She lived! Basil did cry of his own accord this time because he had a feeling what was coming next.
"Basil let's get married and have twelve children!" Rachelle said jumping up, scooping him into her arms and smothering him with kisses. Basil put his face into his hands and wept.
The lesson here is Mary Sues are great sources of lulz. I hope you enjoyed that because, in the immortal words of Captain Jack Sparrow, I will not be doing it again.