iNeed Closure

"I just think it's a bad idea."

"I know you do babe, but this is really important to me."

"You are three months pregnant and you don't need that kind of stress, Sam."

Freddie was right about the stress. But I needed to go confront some past demons as I journeyed ever closer to motherhood. It had been two months since we got engaged and we had debated back and forth on when to get married. He wanted to get married before I had the baby and I wanted to afterward. I really didn't know why I wanted to wait. Maybe I was having an attack of female vanity and didn't want people to see me pregnant in my wedding dress. Or perhaps I just needed time to process everything before taking another big step in my life. If we got married when Freddie wanted to, that would mean that within six months I would have gone from being alone in Seattle to married and pregnant in California. It was just too fast and I had to slow things down a bit.

"I will be fine. I will just be staying with my mom and sister for the weekend. Nothing will go wrong."

On my journey to make things right in my life, I made the decision to seek out my father. I had spoken with my mother about it and she informed me that he was living just north of Jackson, Mississippi. My mother was from Jackson and had moved back in recent years. In the ten years since high school, we made peace and began to foster a relationship. It was still contentious at times, but it was much better than when I was a kid. She left Seattle and took Melanie with her to get her away from the drug scene. I didn't know what I expected from my dad. The last time I saw him was twenty-four years ago.

"It's just not what's best. You've seen the hell I've gone through with my father. Why put yourself through that?"

"But Freddie, good or bad, you know who and where your father is. You could call him or go see him anytime. I can't do that. I was four when he left us. I at least need to know why."

Originally Freddie was going on the trip to Mississippi with me, but at the last minute he had a work emergency. He thought I should reschedule for another time, however I felt compelled to resolve this as soon as possible.

"Look, the plane leaves in two hours and I need to be on it. It would make me feel a whole lot better if I had your support. But I'll be on the plane either way."

He thought for a moment and shrugged his shoulders then let out an audible sigh.

"I guess I can't talk you out of this. Well, in that case have a safe trip and call me if you need anything. Mississippi isn't that far away."

"Yeah, it kind of is." I said with a laugh as I leaned across the bed to hug and kiss him goodbye.

"Love ya, Sam."

"Love you too, Freddie."

The trip to the airport was over quickly and a boarded the plane not knowing what came next. The flight was long and with all of my anxiety I couldn't bring myself to sleep. I arrived in Jackson late in the evening and my mother was there to pick me up. As soon as I walked out of the terminal I could feel the climate difference. It was still warm here even though the season was changing to fall. The leaves on the trees had begun to turn and the humidity was breathtaking. I got in the car and greeted my mother with a hug. She looked well as if she had finally discovered peace within herself.

"Hey mom. How have you been?" I said with genuine excitement.

"Actually, I've been pretty good Sam. Just enjoying my life. How have you and Freddie been doing?"

"Well, we are doing great right now. In fact I have some more good news to tell you."

"What is it?" She said with anticipation.

I paused momentarily and contemplated whether or not to make something up or just tell the truth. I figured that the whole reason I was in Mississippi was to confront family issues, so I decided not to take a step backwards by lying.

"I'm pregnant!" I blurted out.

It was silent for a few moments, which made me a bit nervous. I didn't know how she was taking the news. Suddenly she let out a shriek that startled me.

"That is greatest news I've ever heard! I'm gonna be a grandma!"

"Hoooly shit, mom! You scared the hell out of me." I said as I attempted to slow my heart rate.

"You watch your mouth Samantha Puckett! The baby can hear you. I can't believe I'm becoming a grandma. I'm still young and sexy."

"Young? Sexy? Riiiight." I said sarcastically.

"Whatever. I look good. But I had no idea you were pregnant. When I saw you tonight I thought you were just getting fat."

"Thanks mom." I said with a chuckle.

Over the years I had gotten used to my mother's lack of tact and I actually found it enduring. I knew she meant no harm. We continued our conversation as we drove to my grandparents' house. Five years ago my grandfather passed and my mother had been taking care of the house ever since. She said it reminded her of them and the good times she had growing up. As we approached the house, I noticed that the magnolia trees formed a canopy over the driveway. The moonlight shined through the trees casting hundreds of shapes on the ground with none being identical. The house was older and larger than I remembered. The wind was blowing gently, slowly tossing leaves across the hood of the car. A single light could be seen through one of the upstairs bedroom windows.

"I guess Melanie is still awake." My mother said as we came to a stop and parked.

We made our way out of the car and in light of the news I gave my mother earlier, she insisted on carrying my bags. We walked in the house and the smell was familiar. It was old and pleasant.

"Are you hungry Sam?"

"I'm ok; I think I need sleep more than anything."

"Alright. Let me show you to your room."

We made our way up the stairs and past Melanie's room. My mother called out to her, but there was no response.

"I told that girl to stop leaving lights on when she leaves and I wanted you two, to catch up."

"It's ok mom. I'll see her tomorrow morning."

I walked into my room. The furniture was antique but in good condition. I plopped down on the bed and said goodnight to my mother as she placed my bags down, closed the door, then left. As I lie there, I could hear her footsteps going down the stairs. By the time she reached the bottom I was almost asleep. I had one more thought before a dozed off. I thought about how being here felt right and I knew that all my questions would be answered. Whether that was a good or bad thing remained to be seen.

The next morning I awoke to birds chirping and the sun in my eyes. I placed my hands on my stomach and rubbed it gently. I could feel the baby bump starting to form. I turned and saw my cell phone flashing on the night stand. I grabbed it and saw that I had one text message, one missed call and one voicemail. The text was from Freddie saying that he loved and missed me. I quickly text back, I loved him too. The missed call was also from him as was the voicemail. The voicemail said that my mother called him to tell him I made it safely and had fallen asleep right away. He also asked me to call him around noon. I put down my phone and stared at the ceiling. I could hear movement downstairs and I smelled bacon. "Moms making breakfast." I thought as I hopped up and headed across the hall to wash my face and brush my teeth. When I finished in the bathroom, I headed downstairs. As I entered the kitchen I realized it was Melanie cooking. She was thinner and about half an inch taller than me. Her hair was dyed red her nose was pierced.

"Hey Mel." I said as I approached her to give her a hug.

"Hey." She said unenthusiastically while dodging my hug.

I was caught off guard by her negative reaction and then confusion set in.

"Is there a problem?" I said quizzically.

"Yes, you."

"Why, what did I do?" I said in a dumbfounded tone.

"This is your fault… All my problems are your fault."

"How?"

"I should've never listened to you. I should've never gone to Washington University."

"Oh, not this shit again Mel."

In our senior year in high school, Melanie moved back home and went to school at Ridgeway. We grew extremely close that year. We were so close that we decided to get Twin tattooed on the backs of our necks when we turned eighteen. When we graduated she decided to attend college with me instead of going to Stanford. Melanie never partied or really socialized at all during our grade school years, so in college I tried to get her to loosen up. We went to a few parties early in our freshman year and we both drank a few beers. Her problems started around Halloween when she walked in on Freddie and me smoking a joint. She asked to try it and it was downhill from there. Freddie and I grew out of it, but she never did. So through all of these years she blamed me for getting her into drugs. But, the truth of it was I blamed myself and until things turned around for her I was going to have to carry the burden.

"Yeah it's this again. But, you just keep making it worse."

"How am I making your life worse?"

"Well, let's count the ways. First you get me hooked on drugs. Second you go on to graduate college. Third you get a great job. Next you get engaged to a rich guy. Now mom tells me you're pregnant and if that wasn't enough, you show up here just to rub it in. You stole my life. I was the good one. I was the smart one. I had the hopes and dreams. But you took it away from me. Now I'm stuck in this hick-ass town in Mississippi while you get to see the world and enjoy life and experience love."

"First of all Melanie, we're twenty-eight years old. It's about time you took responsibility for your decisions. You have no idea how guilty I feel about what has happened to you, but I learned to take responsibility for myself….. Don't you remember how close we were? When Carly left you were the only female friend I had."

I reached back, bunched my hair together, turned my neck and exposed my tattoo.

"Don't you remember when we got these done? Can't we try to get back to that? We're sisters."

At that moment Melanie pinned her hair up and turned showing me the back of her neck. I was hurt by what I saw. She had her Twin tattoo circled with a line crossed through it.

"When did you get that done?" I said with sadness in my voice.

"Right after your engagement party."

"Why? We're still sisters…. Why would you want to hurt me like this?"

"It's what you deserve, Sam." She said seemingly satisfied as she slumped against the counter. "I don't have a sister anymore. In fact you should just go away forever."

I saw her hand slowly creep towards a butcher knife on the counter. In that moment I thought about my baby and Freddie and myself. The aggression of my youth had waned significantly and people didn't really think about me as a fighter anymore, however my aggressive bravado was still there when I needed it.

"You look like you're about to make a really bad choice Mel. Now you can remove your hand from the knife, or when I tell my kid about his or her Aunt Mel it will be in the past tense. The choice is yours."

Melanie thought about it for a moment as we stared each other down. She then moved away from it. She knew that no matter how hard her life had been or how "easy" mine was that I was the fighter and if it meant defending my baby she stood no chance. I was just glad my threat worked and I didn't have to risk it. My mother walked in the kitchen and she could sense the tension.

"Shouldn't you be headed to work Melanie?" My mom said attempting to dissolve the situation.

"Yeah, I should be. Bye mom. Bye dear sister." Melanie said sarcastically.

She then pushed passed us and left. My mother told me it was time to head out if we were going to find my dad. As I went upstairs to change out of my pajamas I realized I came here to find and possibly reconcile some feelings about my father, but so far all I had found was that my sister hated me more than ever. After I changed I headed down to the car. Initially I was going to go look for my father alone, but because I was pregnant and in light of the confrontation I had with Melanie that morning, my mother decided to accompany me on my trek. The sunshine of the dawn had given way to gray clouds and drizzle. The dirt on the roads had turned into a thin coat of mud and I could hear it sloshing against the undercarriage of the car. I rested my head against the passenger side window and stared intently at my surroundings as we drove. Every once in a while the rain would bead and roll down, temporarily obscuring my view. My mother could sense my distance and started making small talk.

"Are you ok?"

"Ye…. Yeah I'm fine mom." I said snapping back to reality.

"I know Melanie still loves you. She's just hurt and wishes her life would turn out differently."

"It's not too late for her. She's brilliant in ways I never was. She just can't let go of the past and live. She doesn't realize that the majority of her issues are self inflicted. I think she likes blaming me, because it means she never has to take a long and honest look at herself."

"You know what? I'm to tell you something I've never told you before." My mother said in a somber tone. "You and Melanie are my daughters and I love you both equally, but you were always my favorite."

"Ah, get out of here with that. You're just saying that to cheer me up and it's not going to work."

"No I'm not. You were always the most like me. You can be stubborn, tough, aggressive, brave and witty. But what made me admire you most, were the things that made you different. You know how to pick your friends. You aren't afraid to make tough decisions and live with the consequences whether they're good or bad. Most of all, you have better taste in men than I could ever hope to. I knew you liked that Benson boy while you were still in training bras and I also knew that you would be good for each other."

My mother's words were kind and after the morning I had, I needed them. I was glad that I had patched things up with her. I was happy that I wouldn't have to wonder about words that were never said. I would never have to question how she felt about me. We drove for another forty minutes or so before we came to a small dirt road turn off of the main road. The road was muddy and bumpy. We traveled a few miles down the trail and we came to a clearing with a single, rundown house in the clearing.

"Is this the place?" I said with concern.

"I'm afraid so. Your daddy is a simple man and doesn't care much for the outside world."

As we slowly approached I tried to wrap my mind around the fact that a human being lived here. Growing up, there wasn't a lot of money floating around our house and if it wasn't for Spencer and Carly I would've gone hungry some nights. But this was different. He seemed to possess little to nothing at all and according to my mother he wanted it that way. We came to a stop and my mother opened her door to get out. I looked down at my phone and saw that it was 11:57. I figured I would give Freddie a call. I motioned to my mother that I needed to make a phone call. She waited outside the car for me to finish as I dialed his number.

"How are my two favorite people?" He said with delight as he answered his phone.

"We're fine." I said while rubbing my stomach.

"Have you found your dad yet?"

"Actually, I'm sitting outside his house right now."

"Well, good luck and let me know how it goes. However, if it doesn't go well get out of there please. You don't need that stress."

"If you only knew. Mel and I had a major blow-up this morning."

"Really? What happened?"

My mother motioned to me from outside the car that we should get going.

"I will tell you all about it later. I love you babe."

"I love you too, Sam. Call me later."

I ended the call and proceeded to get out of the car. I was immediately glad that I had chosen to wear boots because mud was everywhere. We approached the house and for the first time that day a member of my family caused anxiety to set in.

"What's his name, mom? Why didn't you talk about him? What am I supposed to say?

My mother stopped walking.

"You can call him Tommy Joe. The rest of those questions you'll just have to ask him."

I hugged her and walked onto the rickety porch. I knocked on the door and waited.

"Who is it? It ain't the police is it? I gotta gun. I'll shoot, I swear I will." A man said through the door.

My mother stepped up onto the porch in front of me.

"Shut the hell up, you crazy bastard. You ain't got no damn gun. Even if you did your broke ass couldn't afford bullets." My mom said angrily.

"Pam? Is that you?" He said opening the door.

I stood there frozen as a tall and skinny, shirtless man stepped into the door way. His brownish hair was un-kept and he smelled of dipping tobacco. He had a slight hunch in his back and had piercing blue eyes. My eyes were as round as saucers as I looked on at the spectacle that was before me. For the first time that I could remember, my parents stood face to face waiting for the other to blink.

"Your daughter is here to see you. She has questions for you." She said rolling her eyes.

He looked at me and studied my appearance for a few moments. A little smile crept onto my face.

"Melanie, you look good." He said.

My smile immediately faded.

"No, this is Sam you damned fool. But, I'm not surprised you didn't know that. You kind of lose track of who's who after twenty-four years." My mother said.

She got closer to him, and then leaned in.

"You listen to me and listen to me good. Sam is gonna go in there with you and ask you any questions she wants…. And you're gonna answer them. Your also gonna be nice and hospitable. Oh yeah… One more thing. If you hurt her in any way, I'm gonna fuckin' kill you Tommy Joe. Do you hear me? I swear on my daddy's grave that I will finish what he started all those years ago."

I stood there stunned by my mother's monologue. He looked at me again and motioned me in.

"Come on in Sam." He said with a strange sarcasm.

I walked in nervously. I didn't want to touch anything. There were beer cans strewn about and dirty dishes in the sink. It was dark, dusty and had a spoiled odor with a hint of spearmint. The smell nauseated me, but I knew I had to overcome it. He brushed the debris off of the couch then offered a seat to me. I reluctantly sat down.

"So what do ya wanna know?"

My mind was on fire with the questions I could ask but now that I had been put on the spot there was only one question I could choke out.

"Why?" I asked through clenched teeth with the pinned up anger of twenty-four long years.

My nostrils flared and my cheeks flushed as I glared at him awaiting a response. Tommy Joe shifted in his chair and looked at me intently. I could see in his eyes that he never knew this day would come and he would've rather gone into cardiac arrest than answer the question. He cleared his throat.

"Well, that's a complicated question."

"Then I suggest you start at the beginning and go slow."

"Ok… Ok before I can answer why I left, I need to know why you need to know. You've done good without me."

"That's not the freakin' point Tommy Joe. Regardless of how I turned out, there was a point in time when I needed you. I never got the chance to hug you when I graduated or introduce my fiancé to you. You robbed me of that. You never even saw the web show I used to do. So I need to know, what was so bad about Mom, Melanie and me that you couldn't stick around." I said fuming.

"Fine, if I'm gonna answer why then I need to give you back story."

I relaxed back onto the couch, forgetting about the surroundings. I took a deep breath and anticipated a rollercoaster of emotions.

"I was seventeen and Pam and I were starting our senior year in high school. We knew each other for years and I never thought she would go out with me. But we wound up together anyway. Her daddy, your grandfather, hated me from the start. He always wanted Pam to go to college and he felt like I would hold her back. We fell in love and after we graduated we decided to get married. Her father flipped out and threatened to kill me. So we eloped and fled north, stayin' with and workin' for anybody that would have us. After about a year we settled in Springfield, Illinois. We were living there for about six months when I found out Pam was pregnant. About three weeks later she miscarried. That really took a toll on our relationship. The emotional stress drove a wedge between us and it was never the same."

His eyes were misty as he endured the painful reminiscing. For a second I saw the man my mom saw when she fell in love.

"We tried to work through it and before long she was pregnant again. At this time I became overbearing. But, I was just trying to make sure we didn't feel the pain of miscarriage again. For almost nine months I monitored Pam's every move until she couldn't take it anymore and she left me. She was in the process of moving to Chicago and she went into labor on the bus. In the hospital I showed up to apologize and your mother took me back. Shortly after you and Melanie were born, I got a job in Seattle. So we all moved there. About a year later the company went bankrupt and I was laid-off. I struggled to find work and once again our marriage was on the rocks. As bills and pressure mounted I started selling our furniture to get money. One night, when you were about four, I walked in the house and looked around. It was empty except for two mattresses. Pam and I got into an argument about me being a provider and I told her I was going to the store. I said I'd be back soon. I picked you and Melanie up…."

I could see his lip quivering and I could hear him sniffing.

"I kissed you both on the forehead and whispered: Daddy loves you. I'll always love you and you're better off without me. One day you'll realize that. I'm so sorry I'm not the man you need me to be."

His eyes were distant and he burst into tears as I sat there trying to hold it in, but the tears were streaming down my face as well.

"So you see Sam, if you want to know why I left, it was because I'm a coward. Things got tough and instead of fighting for you, Melanie and Pam, I ran. You didn't need someone like me around."

My cheeks were hot and all the anger I had buried in the recesses of my soul boiled to the surface in an instant.

"THAT'S IT? That's all you have to say for yourself, you selfish son of a bitch? You screwed our family up. Mom was no picnic when we were growing up, but she was there and that's what counted. I didn't learn how to truly love until I was seventeen and if I wasn't fortunate enough to meet Carly, Freddie, Spencer, and Gibby I would probably be on drugs, in jail, or dead."

I stood up to head to the door as he continued to blubber in his hands.

"Melanie's life is so messed up right now." I said turning back around. "You know, I thought I needed to come here to feel complete, but I realize that I made it to adulthood without needing you. But, it's not because you sold the furniture or couldn't find a job. It's because your answer was to leave. We were a family and we would've made it through. Just so you know, I'm pregnant and when my baby ask me who their grandfather is, I'm going to tell them that he's a pathetic man that has been wallowing in self pity for two and a half decades. I can't wait to be Samantha Benson so I can be rid of your name. I'm sorry I came here and I won't be bothering you again."

With those parting words was out the door. My mother hopped up and followed me to the car.

"Sam. SAM! Are you alright?"

"I'm fine mom. I just don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm all talked out right now."

For the first time in my life I realized why she didn't mention him much. It was just easier that way. When I got in the car I made another phone call to Freddie to tell him I wanted to get married before I had the baby. The second phone call was to the airline to book my flight for later that day. I had to get out of Mississippi as quickly as possible. I knew I still had to fix things with Melanie, but it would have to wait until a later time. After that my mother and I rode in silence. She knew I was deep in thought and needed to work it out in my own head. It was enough that she was there and I knew she always would be. The one good thing that came of my conversation with Tommy Joe was now I felt like I finally, fully understood my mother. Several moments passed and I reached for my phone again.

"Who are you calling now?" My mom said perplexed.

"Someone I haven't called in a long time."

I search through my phone and hit the call button. After a few rings there was an answer.

"Hey Sam. How ya doin'."

"I'm great. How about you?"

"I'm doing pretty good. What's up?"

I took a deep breath and proceeded.

"Spencer, how would you feel about walking me down the aisle?"