Kevin's Requiem
I've been searching for an exit, but I'm lost inside my head
New Message to- QueueSeb. Subject: guess who? / hey seb, it's day 1 outta the little bubble we called our world for the past months. never thought the world could look worse from the other side than it was b4. remember how i'd put the moose on your head to wake u up? lol. u hated me for those 1st days. u even tried to tear its maple leaf away. u couldn't understand how a teenage dude liked having 'goddamn girly dolls' around his bed as he slept. i thought of them as my guardian angels, the things that could protect me from myself. that's what jesse told me they were, and i wanted so badly to have her think she could make me better, so i kept holding on to those stuffed pieces of crap. don't u wish that u could see the world like a child again, see the world like a happy 1 filled with thoughts of guardian angels instead of inner demons? ik that i'm not supposed to be dragging u down, + ik that doc would kill us if he caught us 'enabling each other's sick minds rather than guiding each other towards serenity'. what a bunch of bull. how r we spposed to b better if we can't have our wonderfilled sharing time? i guess u know me enough 2 know tht when i ramble on + dont use grammar stuff it means im feeling shitty, so idk if i'm even gonna send u this./ Message Deleted
Where I spend every waking moment wishing I was dead.
New Message to- QueueSeb. Subject: hey roomie / hey sebastian, ik i said i'd message u but i needed some time to adjust, as the good doc says. it's been 3 days. weird, huh? not waking up to random blood tests and bed checks. kinda miss it. funny how now that we're in the world of the living we're supposed to be living like them, but obviously different, like we're still popping our pills and visiting shrinks while writing term papers and failing history exams. anyway, hey, how's it by u? here it's okay as long as i act like i am okay. pretending is easier here. not sure if that's a benefit or not. don't forget, you're a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist who gripped me tight and raised me from a psychopath to a highly functioning sociopath. (it's good to remember that not every inspirational quote has to make sense)./ from- k-ricky407
For a few minutes get me away from here
New Message to- QueueSeb. Re: hey roomie / what do u mean, tonycaslock isn't real? ik reality check is something we still gotta have, but telling me that the greatest man who ever lived never lived...that's harsh, bro. that's like me telling u that blue chick from x-men isn't blue in real life. yeah, it's nice to tell teachers that they can take up any issues with a team of psychiatrists and social workers. because obviously the reason for a late assignment is 'laziness after extended holiday'- are people really so ignorant? it's nice to message u but i wish we could chill in person. awkward silences and pauses work when we're in the same room and not trapped behind screens. honestly, this is more 'supportive and constructive' than any mandatory session ever will be. videochat friday night? miss u 2./ from- k-ricky407
For a few minutes wipe away my tears.
New Message to- QueueSeb. Subject: maybe videochat isn't such a good plan / i didn't mean to. i'm sorry, really. it just...happened, i guess. ik that mentioning otc meds freaks u out, but i had to tell someone. and complete offense to talk doc w and med doc f, but telling them would only increase the meds and increase possibilities. ik that rule #2 is no chick flick moments, but doesn't depression guarantee some tears? i'm not trying to make everything always about me, and i get that you don't get to assert yourself in most conversations. but this is me, seb. you can always interrupt me and speak your mind. you always help me out and i'm trying to return the favor. help me help you (i'm pretty sure that this is a real jerry maguire quote) and i'm serious. what we have is a 2 way street, and i need you to know that. idk how to use words very well, but i can talk with u. i didn't mean to hurt u./ from- k-ricky407
For I am lost right now as the ocean deep
New Message to- QueueSeb. Re: i don't understand / believe me, i'm just as lost as you. haven't done anything bad, but haven't done anything good either. it's good that you got zack to be your buddy in times of weird silence. i wish i could be that guy, and that the closest i've been to that is the guy that videochats his ceiling fan to your wall. i get it. this doesn't feel right. we used to be able to tell each other anything, or just be around each other and say nothing. what happened to us? besides for leaving without properly saying goodbye after being through so much together- me throwing the moose on your face in the morning, you making sure i ate breakfast (rice krispies forever!), going to groups together and just being physically there whenever (even when we really didn't want each other around). whenever your parents fight about you to your face, just try to get out. go to your backyard, the one with the swing-set you told me about. fly like you did when you were a kid, and the only thing that mattered was the wind on your face, the sun in your eyes, and the calm feeling of being free for a moment. see, i have my stuffed aminals and you got your swings-childhoods that weren't perfect but still have time to improve. hang in there, seb./ from- k-ricky407
I am low my friend and how my heart does sink.
New Message to- QueueSeb. Re: i don't understand / ur right, i'm not perfect and i'm not a preacher. i'm just a guy who believes in practicing something until it becomes real. in this case, i'm trying to act as if i'm better, to see if it will make me feel better. so far, it works, but only sometimes. like in school, when i nod my head or smile from the left side of my mouth. or at home, when i let jesse give me more of her 'guardian angels' and hug me. she took my computer yesterday and read thru some of our messages. i almost punched her but then she said 'it's okay, kevin. you're nicer after you talk with sebastian. i mean, not that you're not nice at other times...you seem happier when you get to talk to your best friend and when you're happier i'm happier and mom and dad don't look worried'. and of course, jesse being jesse, she gave me a hug before she left my room. she's right, you know. even when we go all morbid and develop existential crises together, talking with you is the best part of my day. i hope you feel the same way, that this does more good than harm. and to lighten the mood, quote of the day: statistics are the leading cause of smoking./ from- k-ricky407
Yeah I am lost right now as the ocean deep
New Message to- QueueSeb. Subject: jesse / yeah, she's great. i don't know how she is so cheerful all the time. maybe she really does have an angel looking out for her. i wonder what that would be like- like would you know if you had one, and could you see him/her and where do angels come from? heaven? is heaven real? i've been asking that a lot, to myself and talk doc w. he thinks it's great that i'm 'viewing things objectively'. i remember you telling me that your parents are religious and get upset at you for asking stuff like this. i appreciate you so much. thanks for being a bro./ from- k-ricky407
I am low my friend and how my heart does sink.
New Message to- QueueSeb. Re: okay? / nah, i'm fine. is it really such a bad thing to say something nice once in a while? how come you gotta read deep into this? i hate how you get like this-accusing me of feeling things. i hate how you get like this because you're so goddamn right. of course i appreciate you and miss you all the time, and yeah, of course i'm overly dependent. i know that's not how you phrased it, but that's how i'm gonna tell you. i don't get attached or involved because i'm scared of fallout. i care about you and i care about us, and because i don't say it a lot, people freak out when i do. and yeah, it's freaky to hear stuff like this. i promise you though, i promise you that when i'm not okay, you'll be the first to know./ from- k-ricky407
It's like there's cancer in my blood
New Message to- QueueSeb. Subject: not okay / ur right. im not doing so well. i didn't wanna tell u becuz u were telling me how u got ur parents to talk to u like the human that u r, and how ur meds dont completly fuck ur brain over, and tht u drank coffee for the 1st time in forever...idk what's wrong. things r pretty good in school, jess is smiley as usual, i got u and my buddies, and 4 some reason i just dont feel right./ from- k-ricky407
It's like there's water in my lungs
New Message to- QueueSeb. Re: not okay / thanks for videochatting. i really like the metaphor, and even told talk doc w and med doc f. talk doc thought that it was funny, comparing anxiety and feelings to things in ice cream that can literally melt down. med doc gave me this weird look and decided to up the dosage of the beige pills. congrats on making a speech in class- i'm proud of you, especially because u got up and talked about your love of halloween for minutes. i think next time i'll message u my number- it's easier to talk in the dark when there's no picture./ from- k-ricky407
And I can't take another step, please tell me I am not undone.
New Message to- QueueSeb. Re: quotes / relatable for sure. 'i know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind'. this is what i mean by appreciation- u get that sometimes i can't talk, so u take other people's words tht fit what's happening. this y u the genius./ from- k-ricky407
It's like there's fire in my skin
New Message to- QueueSeb. Re: zack / that doesn't sound too good. 4am? do u know what his vice is? do u know if he's like u or me?/ from- k-ricky407
And I'm drowning from within
New Message to- QueueSeb. Subject: call? / hey seb. maxed out my texts. can i call u? ik it's late but i'm/ from- k-ricky407
I can't take another breath, please tell me I am not undone.
New Message to- QueueSeb. Re: call? / so much love 4 u brother. ik i said it a lot this morning, but i'ma say it again. thank u so much. ik that we set off chain reactions and enable each other and this isn't easy for u either. thank u so much for being there for me. thank u for listening to me ramble like the broken man that i am and letting me know that i'm not alone in this. thank u for everything. keep being awesome./ from- k-ricky407
I've been searching for an exit but I'm lost inside my head, where I spend every waking moment wishing this would end.
New Message to- QueueSeb. Subject: nice / that's awesome. ur family actually all agreeing on something, and something involving you? that's really great. i mean it. you'll tell me about it right? i don't think my parents would even let me spend the night at someone's house. ik he's ur uncle, but still, he's loaded so it's basically a holiday. now u can actually tell ur teacher that u didn't read the material because ur actually away for a few days./ from- k-ricky407
I can't take another step, I cannot live inside my mind
I can't face another day, I am so fucking tired
New Message to- QueueSeb. Re: please answer / hey/ from- k-ricky407
I'll take another step for you
I'll shed my tears until I drown, or until I am underground.
New Message to QueueSeb. Re: please answer/ yeah. u asked me 2 reply, so i did. so u went a week without me. congrats, u made it. i'm sorry. i'm not trying to sound mean. the words r not working so well. i promised u. i promised u i'd let u know when i'm not okay. IM NOT OKAY. im sitting on the floor crying +sitting on the floor trying to figure out y im cryin + then not b able 2 cry + then just idk anymore. + then there is the other promise/ from- k-ricky407
I'll take another breath for you
Will you still be there when I'm home, out from the great unknown?
New Message to- QueueSeb. Subject: none / i'm sorry i didn't pick up the phone before, the words wouldn't have worked anyway. you know i'm not one to make promises if i don't think i can follow thru on them. i tried, i really did try for you. i know this seems weak. maybe this makes more sense.
Sebastian,
there is no easy way to say what i need to say, so i'm going to try to just let it all out. you know why i was in Shepherd with you. you know that i haven't felt like i've belonged here since i was a small child. then, i had jumped. when you met me, it was after i had bled. now, i'm going the way i was supposed to go years ago. i never told you, but the reason i wouldn't go to the pool- when i was 4, i almost drowned. my parents had left me alone at the community center, and some older child ran by me, knocking me down in the process. i sat at the bottom of the pool for nearly a minute, and i had no clue how to swim. i know you are probably saying to yourself 'that makes almost no sense. just because Kevin almost drowned years ago doesn't mean he has to now.' Seb, i'm sorry, but i have to go. i've done all i can for Jesse, and i hope i've done all i can for you. i don't want you to think that this is your fault. Seb, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. this is something i gotta do on my own. i know it goes against our promise, our 1st rule of staying alive and getting thru this life together. i know this seems too profound, the simplicity of this being so complex. if i seem too calm, it's because i wrote this over dozens of times until i got one as right as i could. you deserve the best i have to offer. i love you so much. i appreciate you so much. you deserve the best in life. i know this is ironic, for you to read that you deserve life while i'm taking my own. you deserve the life that i never had, the one that you thought you could never have. i know you hate me now. you hate me for having to place such a weight on you. i'm telling you that if anything, whatever weight, whatever baggage we had, it's gone now. you have to let me go.
i hope to see you again one day, many years into the future.
Kevin
He really did love you, Seb. Please remember that./ from- jess-rickysmiles