DYSFUNCTIONAL FAIRYTALES #3
Written by Kurisuta R.L. NightHawk
Now,some of my past fairytales weren't excatly termed as Politically correct.So let us now entitle them as Dysfunctional Fairytales. I have already re-written Snow White and Little Red Riding Hood. Let me now go to a more complex storyline, that of Sleeping Beauty.
As suggested by a reader,I shall explain my corrections and incorrections first and foremost,before the story begins.I do realize it disrupts the story's plotline and flow when written the other way.That was a unique characteristic of my stories.I did it that way to make you stop and think.But, alas, I will write in a new style.
Alright, first of all,all of this once upon a time crap is getting on my nerves.So, I will no longer term it that way. And Aurora is not exactly a name I'd name my daughter,and I don't like it. So, Sleeping Beauty's first name will now be umm.. Raven. And Princess Raven is cursed when she's a baby by the evil witch Maleficent..um no. She's just a narcoleptic,that's all.
So, Princess Raven is a narcoleptic and sleeps virtually whenever.And she sleeps in short bursts most of the time. She supposedly got pricked by the needle of a spinningwheel..again, incorrect. She got her fingers sewn together by a sewing machine one day when she was dozing in her short bursts. This was again, not the cause of her sleeping disorder. She was not blessed by fairies anyway,dismiss the whole thing. Actually, Raven had a knock-out face..but her voice pretty much sucked at Mi Mi Mi's and La La La's.
So anyways, Raven is supposedly blonde haired with brown eyes.Let us change this to Brown hair with black eyes.I only changed this because I like it better.I don't really like the idea of blondes being perfect..and blue eyes being so either. No offense to anyone ou there with those specifications or qualities.I like it, don't get me wrong..but it's just not me.
The part with her meeting the prince did happen however.They met in the forest one day,and they had already been promised to each other anyway,so it hadn't mattered. But the part with the Princess being sent off to live with Faeries until her 16th birthday,never happened.There WERE no faeries in this story.
And another correction would be to the part with the prince fighting a dragon at the end.It was not a dragon simply because Maleficent did not exist.And the Prince's name was not Phillip. His name was Philburt. So Prince Philburt has to fight off a dragon and kiss Princess Raven to wake her up? Nope. Prince Philburt has to fight an evil chinchilla.And then he must go to the top of a tower to awaken his Princess.This is correct,but all he has to do to awaken Raven is make a fresh pot of "Folgers" mountain grown coffee. As soon as she smells the aroma, Raven will awaken.
And then they live happily ever after.End of Story.Well..not exactly..I won't spoil it and I'll let you read it for yourself. So here goes, The Truth about Sleeping Beauty.
One time,long long ago, in a kingdom far,far away.......
There lived a King and Queen. King Robert and his wife, Queen Jillian, were very rich,and very royal.Now the king and queen had tried for years to have a baby. Sadly,they didn't think that they could have one. The Queen realized that she was still using birth control..and so she got off the pill. They continued to try, and finally, Queen Jillian was pregnant.
The whole kingdom anticipated the birth of the new royalty.And 9 months later, a baby girl was born. She had hair as brown as the earth and eyes as black as the night. Her parents named her Raven.The young Princess was praised and loved. On her 1st week, her parents threw a big party kingdom wide for her. The whole kingdom celebrated the birth of this magnificent new royal.
And the Princess grew to be very pretty.Even at such a tender age as five, all the young princes were in love with her. One Prince in particular, Philburt, was not one of them. Philburt was always busy playing and never noticed Raven. Little did either of them know, that King Julio (Philburt's dad) and King Robert had the children betrothed from birth. Their marriage would one day right the world. You see, their kingdoms had been in turmoil for years over taxes on carriages to toll roads. And now, with the unity, the kingdoms would become one and be well once more.
So, Prince Philburt of Swazilinahagrutyefhyliom went on ignoring Princess Raven of Z-land.And vice versa. Neither royal liked each other much. They had gotten into a big fight on whether the earth was round or flat. And of course, it was round. Raven was right and Philburt was jealous. And so, they hated each other.
On her 12th birthday, Princess Raven was asked to sing for her father. Robert just wanted to see if she could. But no sooner had Raven begun to sing, that all of the palace cooks went blind and the slaves went deaf. Not to mention, the cracking of her father's spectacles. Right after that little fiasco, Princess Raven was banned from singing ever again. And if she did, it would be noticeable..as things died and were blinded rapidly.
Princess Raven also had another problem. She was terribly narcoleptic. The doctors could do nothing for her, and neither could anyone else.And so, our young princess would fall asleep at the most inoppertune times.While she was bowling,eating,cooking,drawing, and even while she was napping!
And one day, she took up sewing. This was a bad thing, because Raven was a bad seamstress.Not only that, but one day,she sewed her fingers together.This was not good. Now she had 4 fingers on one hand and 5 on the other.
Princess Raven also liked to explore the woods. Around her 16th birthday, she met a boy there. He and she fell madly in love. And the two didn't think they could ever hope to marry, for neither recognized the other. The boy was Philburt. And he hardly recognized his beautiful princess. The two royals were being royal-like inwardly. Raven wanted to run off and elope. Philburt agreed, he chose Las Vegas.
And just when Philburt was about to wisk her away, Raven's narcolepcy took over. She was fast asleep. And when she had awoken, Raven found herself in her own bed in the tallest tower of the palace.
When she saw her parents, Raven told them all about the handsome and mysterious young man she had met.
She explained her full love for him, but her parents only frowned. Her father explained how she could not possibly love the man. Raven asked why, and her mother interjected with "Dearest, you are betrothed to Prince Philburt.
Raven remembered her hate for the young prince from childhood. The girl shut herself in her room, and refused to leave. And so, her parents locked her there, and boarded all over the doors,to prevent Raven from carrying out any plans with the mysterious young man.And so, her life was ruined, atleast, from Raven's vantage point. Little did she know, that Philburt was the one, whom she had come to love so much.
Our galant and handsome hero, Philburt, was enroute to the palace on his stallion. Philburt wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.In fact, he was rather blunt. And so, after 3 months of courting Raven, he realized that she was the only girl named Raven in the country. And so, the boy blunder finally figured out that Raven was PRINCESS Raven in fact.
Prince Philburt had no trouble. He simply went in the back door, and climbed all 3,478,214 stairs to reach Raven's room. But little did he know, an evil awaited him.As Philburt reached the door, he heard a low-growling. Well, he wasn't too bright, and Raven knew this.So, she put signs up before she was locked away, incase he should come to rescue her.
Philburt looked at the first sign posted on the door. It read as follows: "To save Princess Raven,defeat evil chinchilla. Bob". And so, Philburt looked down. Sure enough, it was Bob, the evil chinchilla *dramatic music* gnawing idley on her leg. Philburt may have been an utter moron, but he would not let just any small, domesticated and possesed rodent gnaw on his leg.
Philburt drew his sword and shield, preparing for battle. Now we all know that chinchillas are too small to lift swords big enough to battle a human. And so, Bob, the evil chinchilla, flicked out his front claws. He used one at a time, just to keep the fight clean.
The two battled on for hours, finally, a victor was evident. Philburt had sawed Bob, the evil chinchilla's, claws all down to nubbins. And this left Bob, the evil chinchilla in a bad position. He had been declawed, but a total idiot no less! Humiliated, the evil rodent sobbed and scampered off, "yiping" the whole way.
Philburt then put his sword/shield away.He had one final task, and the Princess would be in his arms once more. Philburt began to tug at the door knob.And then he saw a sign on it. It read as follows: "To open door and rescue Princess,turn counter-clockwise,do the hokey-pokey,touch your tongue to your nose, sing show tunes and then push". Well, Philburt was just dumb enough to do it. And so, he did. Then, he twisted the knob and pushed. The door opened.
Inside, Philburt found his lovely girl asleep (what else is new) on her Queen Sized bed. But as to why it was not Princess-Sized, I have no answer. And so, dismiss the fact that I ever mentioned the bed size. So anyways, she was asleep. Philburt was lost, he had no clue as to how to wake her up. He tried everything short of exploding a cannon beside her head.
And frustrated, Philburt then looked around.He looked at the wall beside Raven's bed. There was a red cabinet there. It had a glass window and inside was a coffeepot and some packets of coffee.A sign in white print read "In case of Narcoleptically suffering Princess, Break Glass".A hearth was in the corner, illuminating the room.
Philburt quickly rose, and broke the glass with the teeny-weeny hammer provided with the cabinet. He quickly mixed the coffee and water together,and placed it over the fire in the blazing hearth.Philburt sat and waited, for 20 minutes.
As the coffee began to brew, he heard a faint yawning. Raven arose with a coffee-induced smile upon her lips. Philburt quickly poured her a cup and one for himself. Then, the two royals drank their coffee.
When they had finished, both cups were placed on the coffee table..with coasters of course. And they got down to business. Philburt kissed Raven and things started to heat up.
Soon enough, Philburt was sitting beside Raven and he was wearing only his boxer shorts. They were the cute kind with initials on the waistband and little smiley faces all over them.
Raven was wearing only her nightshirt that had "20 steps to waking up" written on it.
And suddenly, the door burst open. Standing there were the teens' parents, Robert and Julio. And they spoke up, first Julio.
"Philburt?" and then followed by Robert,
"Philburt?"
The boy then stopped kissing Raven, and looked up..nodding.
"Philburt"
And Raven squirmed from his arms, slapping him solidly across the face.
"PHILBURT!"
The fathers' frowns immediately morphed into smiles. And they both nodded happily. Robert spoke: "Oh good, we thought that you were making out with some mysterious man..we'll go finish watching Passions now...goodbye." and with that, the two kings went about their kingly businesses, leaving the two lovers alone once again.
raven suddenly remembered how much she had despised the sniveling Prince Philburt form childhood. "How could you Philburt?"
Philburt thought for a long time (all of 5 seconds) and he had no answer to her question.
Philburt then got down on his knee and held her hand. "Please raven, I love you. I may be an idiot, but i want to marry you, just like we had planned before you found out who i really was." And then he gave her his usual stupid half-grin of a smile.
Raven sighed softly, and she smiled. "Alright Philburt, I'm sorry I was angry with you for not telling me who you were before we fell in love and made all those plans. And even if you are a brainless moron, I still love you.
And so, the two were married the next afternoon before the millions of kingdom inhabitants, combined form both areas.Their kingdoms rejoiced on into the next month. They all lived happily ever after..the end.
Well, not exactly. This is the part where you are wondering what else possibly could have happened in their lives. Well, this is also the part where I tell you that I really have no idea how to answer that question. The only thing I can do is tell you the ending. Afterall, I am only the narrator,I can only do so much for you, faithful readers.
And so, 2 months later, they were still on their honeymoon. Everytime things would get interesting, as you may have guessed,Raven would doze off. And poor Philburt got frustrated. And whenever Raven would awake, expecting to finish the honeymoon itself, Philburt was asleep himself.
But after 3 more months, the honeymoon was over.The couple moved into a small castle located near a scenic garbage dump. They ruled together, the whole country of FickleGuliptulgoopLand. And THAT,surprisingly enough, is NOT the end either. And so, I will now finish the fairytale and put it out of our misery.
The two were married for 57 years. This made them very old, and very nearly very dead. They had had 100 children in all those years. And that was alarming, compared to some. The thing is, Philburt did not die first. Yes I know, that single fact threatens to turn this story into a tragedy.
One day, Queen Raven was out buying herself a new walker. She happened upon a very old, very evil chinchilla. It was the one that used to guard her room. He had gone insane. Soon enough, he found himself very fat, and very full. He gobbled Queen Raven right up. And foolish King Philburt had developed an unnatural fear of small domesticated fuzzy rodents. So, that made Raven a dead duck from the start. Philburt lived on into his early hundreds and then died one day.
This is the part where we rejoice. Philburt was killed by his own stupidity. he was making himself a pot of coffee, when he was scalded to death. The moron had thought that auto-drip said "for-the-dip" and began to make hismelf some coffee. Stupid Philburt had been dumping scalding water into the pot, when it exploded, leaving him burned. And he was very dead afterward.
And they all died shortly after.
THE END
if you enjoyed that story, feel free to read my other works, entitled:
The Truth about Snow White
The Truth about Little Red Riding Hood
and coming soon: Dysfunctional Fairytale #4:RumpleStiltskin
Written by Kurisuta R.L. NightHawk
Now,some of my past fairytales weren't excatly termed as Politically correct.So let us now entitle them as Dysfunctional Fairytales. I have already re-written Snow White and Little Red Riding Hood. Let me now go to a more complex storyline, that of Sleeping Beauty.
As suggested by a reader,I shall explain my corrections and incorrections first and foremost,before the story begins.I do realize it disrupts the story's plotline and flow when written the other way.That was a unique characteristic of my stories.I did it that way to make you stop and think.But, alas, I will write in a new style.
Alright, first of all,all of this once upon a time crap is getting on my nerves.So, I will no longer term it that way. And Aurora is not exactly a name I'd name my daughter,and I don't like it. So, Sleeping Beauty's first name will now be umm.. Raven. And Princess Raven is cursed when she's a baby by the evil witch Maleficent..um no. She's just a narcoleptic,that's all.
So, Princess Raven is a narcoleptic and sleeps virtually whenever.And she sleeps in short bursts most of the time. She supposedly got pricked by the needle of a spinningwheel..again, incorrect. She got her fingers sewn together by a sewing machine one day when she was dozing in her short bursts. This was again, not the cause of her sleeping disorder. She was not blessed by fairies anyway,dismiss the whole thing. Actually, Raven had a knock-out face..but her voice pretty much sucked at Mi Mi Mi's and La La La's.
So anyways, Raven is supposedly blonde haired with brown eyes.Let us change this to Brown hair with black eyes.I only changed this because I like it better.I don't really like the idea of blondes being perfect..and blue eyes being so either. No offense to anyone ou there with those specifications or qualities.I like it, don't get me wrong..but it's just not me.
The part with her meeting the prince did happen however.They met in the forest one day,and they had already been promised to each other anyway,so it hadn't mattered. But the part with the Princess being sent off to live with Faeries until her 16th birthday,never happened.There WERE no faeries in this story.
And another correction would be to the part with the prince fighting a dragon at the end.It was not a dragon simply because Maleficent did not exist.And the Prince's name was not Phillip. His name was Philburt. So Prince Philburt has to fight off a dragon and kiss Princess Raven to wake her up? Nope. Prince Philburt has to fight an evil chinchilla.And then he must go to the top of a tower to awaken his Princess.This is correct,but all he has to do to awaken Raven is make a fresh pot of "Folgers" mountain grown coffee. As soon as she smells the aroma, Raven will awaken.
And then they live happily ever after.End of Story.Well..not exactly..I won't spoil it and I'll let you read it for yourself. So here goes, The Truth about Sleeping Beauty.
One time,long long ago, in a kingdom far,far away.......
There lived a King and Queen. King Robert and his wife, Queen Jillian, were very rich,and very royal.Now the king and queen had tried for years to have a baby. Sadly,they didn't think that they could have one. The Queen realized that she was still using birth control..and so she got off the pill. They continued to try, and finally, Queen Jillian was pregnant.
The whole kingdom anticipated the birth of the new royalty.And 9 months later, a baby girl was born. She had hair as brown as the earth and eyes as black as the night. Her parents named her Raven.The young Princess was praised and loved. On her 1st week, her parents threw a big party kingdom wide for her. The whole kingdom celebrated the birth of this magnificent new royal.
And the Princess grew to be very pretty.Even at such a tender age as five, all the young princes were in love with her. One Prince in particular, Philburt, was not one of them. Philburt was always busy playing and never noticed Raven. Little did either of them know, that King Julio (Philburt's dad) and King Robert had the children betrothed from birth. Their marriage would one day right the world. You see, their kingdoms had been in turmoil for years over taxes on carriages to toll roads. And now, with the unity, the kingdoms would become one and be well once more.
So, Prince Philburt of Swazilinahagrutyefhyliom went on ignoring Princess Raven of Z-land.And vice versa. Neither royal liked each other much. They had gotten into a big fight on whether the earth was round or flat. And of course, it was round. Raven was right and Philburt was jealous. And so, they hated each other.
On her 12th birthday, Princess Raven was asked to sing for her father. Robert just wanted to see if she could. But no sooner had Raven begun to sing, that all of the palace cooks went blind and the slaves went deaf. Not to mention, the cracking of her father's spectacles. Right after that little fiasco, Princess Raven was banned from singing ever again. And if she did, it would be noticeable..as things died and were blinded rapidly.
Princess Raven also had another problem. She was terribly narcoleptic. The doctors could do nothing for her, and neither could anyone else.And so, our young princess would fall asleep at the most inoppertune times.While she was bowling,eating,cooking,drawing, and even while she was napping!
And one day, she took up sewing. This was a bad thing, because Raven was a bad seamstress.Not only that, but one day,she sewed her fingers together.This was not good. Now she had 4 fingers on one hand and 5 on the other.
Princess Raven also liked to explore the woods. Around her 16th birthday, she met a boy there. He and she fell madly in love. And the two didn't think they could ever hope to marry, for neither recognized the other. The boy was Philburt. And he hardly recognized his beautiful princess. The two royals were being royal-like inwardly. Raven wanted to run off and elope. Philburt agreed, he chose Las Vegas.
And just when Philburt was about to wisk her away, Raven's narcolepcy took over. She was fast asleep. And when she had awoken, Raven found herself in her own bed in the tallest tower of the palace.
When she saw her parents, Raven told them all about the handsome and mysterious young man she had met.
She explained her full love for him, but her parents only frowned. Her father explained how she could not possibly love the man. Raven asked why, and her mother interjected with "Dearest, you are betrothed to Prince Philburt.
Raven remembered her hate for the young prince from childhood. The girl shut herself in her room, and refused to leave. And so, her parents locked her there, and boarded all over the doors,to prevent Raven from carrying out any plans with the mysterious young man.And so, her life was ruined, atleast, from Raven's vantage point. Little did she know, that Philburt was the one, whom she had come to love so much.
Our galant and handsome hero, Philburt, was enroute to the palace on his stallion. Philburt wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.In fact, he was rather blunt. And so, after 3 months of courting Raven, he realized that she was the only girl named Raven in the country. And so, the boy blunder finally figured out that Raven was PRINCESS Raven in fact.
Prince Philburt had no trouble. He simply went in the back door, and climbed all 3,478,214 stairs to reach Raven's room. But little did he know, an evil awaited him.As Philburt reached the door, he heard a low-growling. Well, he wasn't too bright, and Raven knew this.So, she put signs up before she was locked away, incase he should come to rescue her.
Philburt looked at the first sign posted on the door. It read as follows: "To save Princess Raven,defeat evil chinchilla. Bob". And so, Philburt looked down. Sure enough, it was Bob, the evil chinchilla *dramatic music* gnawing idley on her leg. Philburt may have been an utter moron, but he would not let just any small, domesticated and possesed rodent gnaw on his leg.
Philburt drew his sword and shield, preparing for battle. Now we all know that chinchillas are too small to lift swords big enough to battle a human. And so, Bob, the evil chinchilla, flicked out his front claws. He used one at a time, just to keep the fight clean.
The two battled on for hours, finally, a victor was evident. Philburt had sawed Bob, the evil chinchilla's, claws all down to nubbins. And this left Bob, the evil chinchilla in a bad position. He had been declawed, but a total idiot no less! Humiliated, the evil rodent sobbed and scampered off, "yiping" the whole way.
Philburt then put his sword/shield away.He had one final task, and the Princess would be in his arms once more. Philburt began to tug at the door knob.And then he saw a sign on it. It read as follows: "To open door and rescue Princess,turn counter-clockwise,do the hokey-pokey,touch your tongue to your nose, sing show tunes and then push". Well, Philburt was just dumb enough to do it. And so, he did. Then, he twisted the knob and pushed. The door opened.
Inside, Philburt found his lovely girl asleep (what else is new) on her Queen Sized bed. But as to why it was not Princess-Sized, I have no answer. And so, dismiss the fact that I ever mentioned the bed size. So anyways, she was asleep. Philburt was lost, he had no clue as to how to wake her up. He tried everything short of exploding a cannon beside her head.
And frustrated, Philburt then looked around.He looked at the wall beside Raven's bed. There was a red cabinet there. It had a glass window and inside was a coffeepot and some packets of coffee.A sign in white print read "In case of Narcoleptically suffering Princess, Break Glass".A hearth was in the corner, illuminating the room.
Philburt quickly rose, and broke the glass with the teeny-weeny hammer provided with the cabinet. He quickly mixed the coffee and water together,and placed it over the fire in the blazing hearth.Philburt sat and waited, for 20 minutes.
As the coffee began to brew, he heard a faint yawning. Raven arose with a coffee-induced smile upon her lips. Philburt quickly poured her a cup and one for himself. Then, the two royals drank their coffee.
When they had finished, both cups were placed on the coffee table..with coasters of course. And they got down to business. Philburt kissed Raven and things started to heat up.
Soon enough, Philburt was sitting beside Raven and he was wearing only his boxer shorts. They were the cute kind with initials on the waistband and little smiley faces all over them.
Raven was wearing only her nightshirt that had "20 steps to waking up" written on it.
And suddenly, the door burst open. Standing there were the teens' parents, Robert and Julio. And they spoke up, first Julio.
"Philburt?" and then followed by Robert,
"Philburt?"
The boy then stopped kissing Raven, and looked up..nodding.
"Philburt"
And Raven squirmed from his arms, slapping him solidly across the face.
"PHILBURT!"
The fathers' frowns immediately morphed into smiles. And they both nodded happily. Robert spoke: "Oh good, we thought that you were making out with some mysterious man..we'll go finish watching Passions now...goodbye." and with that, the two kings went about their kingly businesses, leaving the two lovers alone once again.
raven suddenly remembered how much she had despised the sniveling Prince Philburt form childhood. "How could you Philburt?"
Philburt thought for a long time (all of 5 seconds) and he had no answer to her question.
Philburt then got down on his knee and held her hand. "Please raven, I love you. I may be an idiot, but i want to marry you, just like we had planned before you found out who i really was." And then he gave her his usual stupid half-grin of a smile.
Raven sighed softly, and she smiled. "Alright Philburt, I'm sorry I was angry with you for not telling me who you were before we fell in love and made all those plans. And even if you are a brainless moron, I still love you.
And so, the two were married the next afternoon before the millions of kingdom inhabitants, combined form both areas.Their kingdoms rejoiced on into the next month. They all lived happily ever after..the end.
Well, not exactly. This is the part where you are wondering what else possibly could have happened in their lives. Well, this is also the part where I tell you that I really have no idea how to answer that question. The only thing I can do is tell you the ending. Afterall, I am only the narrator,I can only do so much for you, faithful readers.
And so, 2 months later, they were still on their honeymoon. Everytime things would get interesting, as you may have guessed,Raven would doze off. And poor Philburt got frustrated. And whenever Raven would awake, expecting to finish the honeymoon itself, Philburt was asleep himself.
But after 3 more months, the honeymoon was over.The couple moved into a small castle located near a scenic garbage dump. They ruled together, the whole country of FickleGuliptulgoopLand. And THAT,surprisingly enough, is NOT the end either. And so, I will now finish the fairytale and put it out of our misery.
The two were married for 57 years. This made them very old, and very nearly very dead. They had had 100 children in all those years. And that was alarming, compared to some. The thing is, Philburt did not die first. Yes I know, that single fact threatens to turn this story into a tragedy.
One day, Queen Raven was out buying herself a new walker. She happened upon a very old, very evil chinchilla. It was the one that used to guard her room. He had gone insane. Soon enough, he found himself very fat, and very full. He gobbled Queen Raven right up. And foolish King Philburt had developed an unnatural fear of small domesticated fuzzy rodents. So, that made Raven a dead duck from the start. Philburt lived on into his early hundreds and then died one day.
This is the part where we rejoice. Philburt was killed by his own stupidity. he was making himself a pot of coffee, when he was scalded to death. The moron had thought that auto-drip said "for-the-dip" and began to make hismelf some coffee. Stupid Philburt had been dumping scalding water into the pot, when it exploded, leaving him burned. And he was very dead afterward.
And they all died shortly after.
THE END
if you enjoyed that story, feel free to read my other works, entitled:
The Truth about Snow White
The Truth about Little Red Riding Hood
and coming soon: Dysfunctional Fairytale #4:RumpleStiltskin