My first fan fic of Kendall (who is like the most awesome person in BTR xD). Well, he's the most fun with angst. Hope you like it as much as I do writing it.

Lindsay ~ 3

- Kendall -

Breath in. Breath out. Kill.

I kept repeating this to myself as I readied for the game. I know it sounds kinda sick, but it's a trick my dad taught me before he left. And hell if it doesn't work. Hockey,he had told me, is a game to the death. You don't go out thinking that you will live. You go out prepeared to die.

The ice is my battle field. The game is my war.

"Yo, Kenny!" I turned to find Logan, the smartest person I happen to know, already ready in his gear. "Thought I would find you here."

Looking around I remembered where I was. Outside in the back allie. A great place for one last smoke before we really tear up some nerves.

I looked down at my own lit cigarette. Coach keeps telling me I would play better if I just stopped. I've even gotten that pitty talk from the great Doc Loggie. Speaking of which...

"Don't give me that look." Watching the smoke rise as I blew it out was kinda calming. "I've cut back."

I could almost feel him rolling his eyes at that. "That's not what I want to talk about for once. Though if you get cancer and have to have a hole in your neck, just know I told you so."Out of the cornner of my eye I watched him fidget with his hands. He only does that when something big is on his mind. Which, knowing him was anything.

"Kendall..."

Suddenly, James ran out draging a bloody and kicking Carlos out. The latino looked half out of his mind cussing out everything that was moving. Killing my cig, Logan and I ran over trying to help James hold him down.

"What the hell happened?"

"He saw Ross," James panted. "He saw Ross and Ross was telling everyone that your dad was nothing and...its the damn sixth grade all over again." By now Carlos was calming down a bit.

Its your fault you little faggot.Did I remember to take the meds? Sighing, I could hear my father's voice rising in my inner mind.

We needed to leave. And fast.

"James, go tell the coach we need to leave. Logan, go bring the van here. I got him." Both nodded at my athority and understood. Something I liked about being the leader.

Carlos was getting better without the other two here. More breathing room.

Lighting up another, I put all my interest in watching the anger seep off my friend's body. His tence shoulders started drooping, breathing deeper, and finally his dull eyes grew back their sparkle letting me know that my friend was back.

So was the monster I thought was gone.

-Logan-

They playied the game without us. And without us they lost. But it couldn't be helped. And thinking like this wasn't going to help me get my work done.

I sat back in my chair in need of a break from all these AP classes. Even if I want to be a doctor, a lot of this stuff was bull.

Smirking, I thought of another bull in my life. One that looked kinda freaked out tonight.

Kendall is a real mystery to all of us. He cares about us. Everyone can tell, but since his dad split, my blond friend has been pushing everyone away. More than normal anyway.

Like the Musketeers, me, Carlos, James, and Kendall have been together for eachother. Nothing happened to the other without the rest ready to kick some ass about it. I can't count how many times they helped me with my bullie problems, keeping Carlos from going crazy, or even saving James from his over controling mother.

But we never hear of Kendall's problems.

Looking at the clock, I was shocked to find that it was almost 1:30. Doesn't feel like it should be that late. Doesn't feel like it should be anything.

Sighing, I got ready for bed and for the next time I would try to confront my bull.