DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HETALIA. Be happy about this... kukukukuku...
'Kay then, my first fanfic. I hope this is alright, and that everyone is at least a bit IC. This silly idea came from my cousin naming a little plastic-figure-thing after me and then proceeding to rip its head off because she thought it was funny... well, yeah. I don't think she likes me very much.
Anyways, on with this!
England never really 'enjoyed' the tedious G8 meetings, but… this time America's stupid ideas just took the cake.
It wasn't unusual that America was 'fashionably' late, because, according to the superpower, heroes were always there to step in at the last minute to save everyone and be, well… heroic.
Well, bloody fantastic. The meeting couldn't start without the idiot, and honestly, Italy's I-made-these-to-show-just-how-bored-I-am paper planes were getting more and more annoying each time they rudely collided with any of the nation's now aching skulls. England swore they used to be essential papers, only now they had the word 'PASTAAAAAAAA' and German/Italian flags scribbled all over them.
The nation was wound up, so to say, and his expression closely matched Germany's as the clock indicated that they were now exactly… twenty six minutes and fourteen seconds off schedule.
England rubbed one of his impressive eyebrows, trying to work off his building headache. The Frog was singing now too, for crying out loud, and that wasn't the worst; there was a suspiciously frightened, whispery voice coming from the chair Russia had seated himself in, and it was creeping England out.
Hold on… didn't someone else actually sit there? Nah, must be his imagination.
The blonde nation's emerald eyes studied the others further, and seeing that Japan looked just as bored as he did (wait, didn't he always look like that?) England grunted loudly and stood up. Someone was just going to have to get this meeting started, America or no America.
Speaking of America, he had crap timing. For crying out loud, England had just been on the way to start a perfectly organised and sensible, repeat, sensible meeting when they heard the footsteps. The fuming sank into his seat with a livid expression just as the door flew open with a significantly dramatic crash, revealing none other than- "Dudes! No fear, your hero is here!"
England nearly blew his top. That sounded so, so wrong. The bloody American probably got that ridiculous line from one of those cheesy romance movies, because it certainly didn't… oh, whatever. "You git! Have you got any idea of just how long we waited for your sorry backside to turn up here?"
Said 'git' was oblivious, as always. "Oh, hey, England! Guess what?" his grin could have blinded the sun.
"America." Germany said levelly as he snatched yet another paper plane from the air and proceeded to unfold it, before blushing shortly at what was written on the surface.
Taking the hint for once, the lively nation that was America grinned widely. "Ok, ok, don't guess. I'll just show you this straight away, 'cuz it's just that awesome!"
England scowled. Please, no, not that cheesy grin. That was never a good sign. America approached the board and pulled a small plastic bag from one of his pockets. Dumping it on the table, he put his hands on his hips and puffed out his chest. "I have a new plan for kicking global warming's ass!"
Russia was grinning at him kinda creepily now.
"If there's a demonstration involving items such as glow-in-the-dark markers, power cuts, hamburgers-" Germany began in a grinding tone, but America's loud voice was too much of a match today.
"Nah! You got it all wrong!" the hyper blonde announced dramatically, before diving one hand into his plastic bag, pulling something out and slamming it onto the table's surface with a considerable force. "Ta-daa!"
The remaining nations stared at the small object in silence, unsure of what to do really. It looked like it had once been a wooden peg of some kind, but now it appeared to wear a tiny scrap of brown material with a miniature fur collar. Even tinier glasses were glued onto its 'head', and more of the fur (but a lighter shade) was neatly stuck on top. The end of a snapped toothpick seemed to replicate a rigor-mortised Nantucket.
Nobody had to ask what it was. It was a mini America, peg-art version, not to mention a pretty good one, too.
"~Vee! America, it's so cute!"
England face-palmed just as Japan politely raised a hand to stutter, "N-nani, America, what is that?"
"Hold on guys, that's not all!" This time, the plastic bag was simply tipped upside down, allowing its contents to fall out and roll onto the table with small 'clack' noises. Oh, hell no.
Although the pegs were also… pegs, they were a far cry from the America 'doll'. You could barely tell who they were. One of the dolls appeared to have what looked like a piece of… toilet roll… wrapped around its 'neck', while the other was completely bare save for a tiny fabric rose modestly hiding the place where its 'vitals' would have been. Seeing this, England decided that America couldn't use a glue-gun to save his life because, well… all the transparent white stuff behind that pathetic rose looked very suggestive. The third doll that caught his eye must've been Japan or something, because England couldn't really imagine the Italy or Germany dolls having a wonky, neon-pink cocktail parasol sticking out from their sides. The Italy doll had part of an unwound rusty spring protruding from the side of its head, whereas the Germany doll seemed to have caused America some trouble; all it had was a German flag roughly scribbled onto the front with fat marker pens. The stoic country, if he had noticed, did not bother to point out that it was upside down.
England searched the pathetic figures in worry, his impressive eyebrows rising. Had America seriously…
Yes. There it was, the already hated England doll, with what looked like the ends of two huge yellow mascara brushes (where on Earth did they come from?) pasted haphazardly onto the middle of its head.
Mascara brushes! England fumed, fisting his hands. Insufferable git! My wonderful eyebrows, mascara brushes!
Before the protests could begin, America was blabbing again. "Yeah, so this is only five named ones, but it's just 'cuz I kinda forgot the last one… aheh…" he scratched the back of his head, still smiling like an idiot, and stood all the dolls up properly.
If you were listening, you might have heard the barely audible "It's Canada!" coming somewhere out of Russia's direction.
"So, dudes! Due to my awesome artistic skills, I'm gonna make this plan clearer to you than ever!"
"You make it sound as if we are the stupid ones!" England finally managed to get a word in, only to be… promptly ignored by America!
"My plan's like this, guys. I, the hero of everyone here…" America doll was moved away from the rest of the group, left to stand on its own in the middle of the table. "…will call my huge army of alien friends to fix up the big hole in the what's-it layer with their awesome-astic tech stuff…" The remaining dolls were suddenly all pushed aside by America's huge hand, falling on top of each other in a messy heap. "While you all watch and do as they say! And hail your hero!"
Toilet roll doll, a.k.a. Mini-Russia, rolled off the table and hit the floor with a resounding clunk. That was clearly a no.
England swore he could hear Japan's mumble of, "I agree with America" before Germany raised an eyebrow in his direction and he fell silent.
That silence was rather… awkward. Needless to say, America didn't stop that grin of his. England vaguely wondered whether it was actually stuck that way and the idiot needed surgery.
"Observer, en Angleterre…" France was suddenly right next to him, and England practically leapt out of his seat with the manliest cry he'd ever managed. "See where my little self is right now?"
England actually looked, and nobody stopped him when he once again made to strangle France to his death; the last scuffle had started when France had suggested England relax by allowing him to take a piece of the man's famous 'French stick' up his- Never mind.
Both men fell from their chairs in a furious battle for dominance, France 'Onhonhon'-ing all the way.
Ha ha.
However, their dolls stayed just where they were; slap-bang on top of each other.
The England doll was underneath.
"I think a break is in order." Germany rose from his seat, his palm flat on his forehead. This meeting clearly wasn't going anywhere. They needed a new strategy. "We will begin again in half an hour-"
"But vee, Germany! We only sat here a little while and America made all those pretty puppets for us~!" The happy Italian tugged valiantly on the German's sleeve.
"Get yourself a break, Italy." Germany emphasized on the word 'break', and the russet-haired young man hanging from his arm paused before simply letting go and skipping out of the door.
"Ok, because you said so, Germany!"
England was not a happy person. Not that he usually was, being the tsundere 'ass' of the group and all, but seriously. He was rather hurt. While America's puppet had admittedly been quite impressive for what it was, the rest of them could have been achieved by a two-year old. Oh yes, he forgot; America was a two-year old, just a bit overgrown.
Mascara brushes. He'd compared his eyebrows, the eyebrows, to mascara brushes. Ugh.
Was this idiocy an offence in disguise? Had America really thought, 'Oh! Perfect chance to take the pee-wee out of everyone! Let's do it!' or was he really just that oblivious? England scowled, leaning back further so his back rested on the wall of the long hallway. His doll had been cheap trash like the others that weren't America. You know, just when he'd thought they were properly, properly getting on for once.
Getting on…
He glanced back at the main door to the conference room, and crossed his arms. One stupid American was seated behind that door, and he was probably busy mass-producing immaculate little 'alien-friend' dolls like Italy did with his white flags.
England stood up straight as the door crashed wide open, and America began to race down the hallway like a human torpedo after shooting him a quick thumbs-up on the way. "Bathroooooooooom!" the blue-eyed man called, before disappearing round the corner like nothing had happened.
England ignored him, deepening his frown. The floor was so much more interesting than that ignorant- … Hold on.
He must've dropped that, England thought, sinking to his knees. Rolling to a halt on the cold tiled floor was…
Ugh. Another one of those damned-
… Blimey.
England's eyebrows actually rose this time, indicating his surprise as he rolled the doll over. This one hadn't been shown in the meeting, definitely not…
This doll was just like the America doll, crafted with childish care and rather sweet to look at. Like a little toy. Light yellow, furry material was cut to shape and glued on top of the head at a slight angle, and more of it was cut in tiny rectangles underneath. A forest-green set of fleece cuttings made a rough jacket, and a scrap in a darker shade was wrapped carefully around the neck.
Bright green eyes were drawn on in felt-tip, accompanied by a simple but effective smile.
England couldn't fight the blush rising to his cheeks. What…
"Hey, England, whatcha doin'? -Oh…"
So entranced he hadn't even heard the footsteps, said nation literally jumped to his feet. Settling his breathing, he realised that America's whole face was the colour of the red on his flag.
"What's this?" England took on a teasing tone, waving his little replica in front of America's wide eyes. "Why did this little beauty not feature in the little performance earlier on, eh…?"
If it was even possible, America turned even redder. Finally, he just blurted his reply straight into a shocked England's face. "Well if I'd used this little guy everyone would be all like 'Ohhh America looks nice' and 'Ohhh England looks nice' and 'Ohhh but we all look like total SHIT'- WAIT! Maybe there's a REASON that only AMERICA and ENGLAND look NICE so MAYBE AMERICA MADE THE ENGLAND DOLL NICE BECAUSE HE'S DOING HIM LIKE A BUNNY EVERY FREAKIN' NIGHT, DUDE! They'd put two and three together, or whatever it is you say, and get four! Like, the REASON!"
England waited a few moments, allowing his eardrums to miraculously repair themselves before muttering, "Git."
"Geez, look England, I-"
Said nation now had a rather menacing smile on his face. "Mascara brushes, America? Really?" England leered.
In a matter of seconds, nervous-America was full-blown America-America again. "Ahah… yeah, well! They were like the only thing that really looked funny enough, and they were tons better than the toothbrush ends-"
"Toothbrush ends?" England grabbed America's collar and shook, turning red with fury.
"Hey, calm it dude! That's not so bad, I was totally just gonna just dress 'France' in a condom!"
England stopped immediately, and stayed completely silent for a second before bursting into a fit of raucous laughter. After a second, America joined in, and soon both were gasping for air.
"A condom."
"Yeah…"
"A condom."
"A condom!" America stated, becoming confused by England's apparent fascination with the word.
England just chuckled a few times more before placing a hand on America's shoulder and smiling up at him. "A condom…" he repeated for the third time, but this time the look he gave America was anything but innocent.
"Er…"
However, America didn't have the chance to say anything more before England was pressing a sweet kiss to his chapped lips, having to pull slightly on the collar he still held in order to deepen it. America closed his eyes slowly and kissed back a little more roughly before the other pulled away, sighing. "There's no need to be shy about this as long as it pisses the frog off," the lighter blonde smirked, letting go of the other nation. "And that's why this little guy," he held up the second England doll, which he had kept a hold of all the time, "will be involved in your future demonstrations."
America couldn't really argue. Not if it meant a sappy England. "Sure dude." He replied, saluting at his fellow country. England smirked again before approaching the conference room's large door. America looked up as he stopped. "America." He almost snapped.
Oh no. Not the 'you've been a bad, bad boy' tone… "Yeah, England?"
"I did not fail to notice what you said earlier…"
"Earlier?" America probably had a worse memory span than a goldfish, in England's opinion. Maybe one of those UFO things fell on his head.
"The way you said it… made it sound as if you were the one doing me." The other nation replied dryly, observing his little doll with those stunning emerald eyes. America tried not to get lost in them as he warbled his answer. "Dude, what you're saying is…?"
England's grin was devilish, totally devilish. Advancing towards his fellow country, he raised a single eyebrow before flicking America's forehead with the one of his doll. "It's never going to happen, you hear me?"
The grin that followed was probably the widest yet. America gripped England's wrist, eyes sparkling with that special mischief.
Oh, it was on.
Bad? Good? Neutral? Lol, whatever. Its done, hope you enjoyed. I'm not going to be a whiny cow and type lines and lines about you having to review or die, but if you have any to give I'd highly appreciate some feedback. Thanks, people!
~Zaskaea