Kill Illpalatzo: Vol 1
Authors notes: Yes this is an excel saga parody of Kill Bill, one of my favorite movies. It just seemed like the obvious thing to do to me. If your wondering why I didn't cast Nabeshin as Hattori Hanzo, but Nabeshin will be playing Pai Mei in Kill Illpalatzo vol 2, I couldn't have him in two parts, besides there's the fish.. Hyatt will also be getting a part in vol 2.
Here's the cast of vol 1
The Bride: Excel
Vernita Green: Will of the microcosm
Vernita Greens daughter: Sandora
Elle Driver: Kobayashi Excel
Oren Ishii: Menchi
Budd: Puchu
Bill: Illpalatzo
Go-Go Yubari: Sailor Kojet
Pathetic guy that Go-Go stabs: pedophile scientists guy I forget the name of
Hattori Hanzo: The guy with the ukelele who gives poemi her fish
That guy who works in Hattori Hanzos bar: Poemi
Johnny Moe: Ballsbovsky from hell (I think that's how his name was pronounced)
Boss Matsumoto: That old man from the Menchi episodes
Oren's dad: Wolf
Oren's Mom: That girl dog who was with Wolf I forget the name of
Boss Matsumotos henchman: Cheater
The Crazy 88: Those bowling pin guys
Sofie Fatalle: The girl that translates for Menchi in the end credits
Yakuza bosses: Iwata, Sumiyoshi, Watanabe & Kabapu
Boss Tanaka: Koshi Rikudo
Buck: Alien # 1
Truck driver who was with Buck: K-kun
Chapter 1: 2 (with a little circle drawn around it)
Flash back
Excels lying on the floor with five assailants standing over her. For some reason everything got all black & white but right now Excel has bigger things to worry about then a change of scenery.
Illpalatzo: Do you find me sadistic? On the contrary this is me at my most masochistic.. Oh who am I kidding, shooting you is almost as fun as dropping you through that trap door.
Excel was about to say something about how she had his baby, but as usual her train of thought was interrupted by her hunger at the most inappropriate time. .
Excel: Menchi!!!!.(As excel reached for the dog a loud bang from Illpalatzos gun rang out, the bullet hitting her head like a hubcap from Tanya Harding)
After shooting Excel Illpalatzo pulls a rope and her body falls through a trap door in the floor slashing into the water below, cast off like ...so many used pieces of toilet paper..
Illpalatzo: I'm going to miss doing that.
Five years later
A clunky looking UFO with the pink words "Unidentified flying pussy" painted on the side pulls up in front of a house somewhere in a green valley in South America. A mail box in front of the simple looking house has the name "Pedro" written on it in hiragana. Why someone in South America would write their name in hiragana on their mailbox would be anyone's guess. But this was definitely the house she was looking for.
The door to the UFO opened up and out stepped a blond woman, it's excel (big surprise there!). She was dressed in an orange leather jacket, at her side that talking gun from the Puchu episode is cleverly concealed in a talking gun holster. Walking passed the mailbox Excel strode up to the door and pressed her finger on the doorbell.
Great Will of the Microcosm who was in the middle of a phone call floated over to the door. She was expecting to see Pedro or her son .err I mean "daughter" Sandora. But instead she saw a face from the past. a face she never thought she would see again, the face of Excel which at the last moment she had seen it was wracked with hunger for dog meat but now the only thing she was hungry for was revenge! Served cold, the way klingons like it!
Will was so distracted by the spaghetti western style flash back that occurred when their eyes met that she was unprepared for Excels punch that hit the center of her galaxy with the force of a pile driver sending her spiraling across the room and crashing into a shelf full off vases. Excel was about to hit her with an ax kick but Will parried and then caused one of her stars to go nova burning Excels foot. Using this distraction she flew upward upper cutting Excel sending her backwards over a table. Excel pulled out her talking gun.
Talking gun: My name is Nanami!
Using Nanami she fired a blast, Will quickly opened a black hole inside her body sucking up the blast and then flew into the kitchen. Excel fired another blast but will parried it with a butcher knife.
"How did you do that?"
"This is the great butcher knife of the microcosm!" Will flew foreword slashing. Excel grabbed the great frying pan of the microcosm parrying the butcher knife. With another slash Will cut her wrist and then knocked a shelf full of China on top of Excel. She was about to move in for the kill but Excel smashed her in the place where her face would have been with the frying pan of the microcosm knocking her over a table. Both of them got up, Excel with Nanami drawn and ready to fire and Will with her butcher knife of the microcosm, it was a standoff.
"I'd say something like "Come and get some bitch" but I'm much to soft spoken to say that." Said Will
"Yeah.. Well you'd better submit to the glorious Across and Illpalatzo sama!"
"But you're the one trying to kill Illpalatzo and Across!"
"Oh yeah I forgot, I could sure go for some dog meat."
Before this incredibly dramatic sequence of dialogue could continue a little boy dressed in drag to look like Nikki opened the door. "Mom! What happened?" Excel and Will both quickly hid their weapons.
Will quickly thought to come up with a good excuse "Uhhh.. That dog of yours ate my homework."
"Yeah, I know, that's what I tell my teachers everyday but they don't believe me. But that's not what I was asking about. What happened to the room?" Sandora asked looking around at the mess.
"Damn, I used the wrong excuse, in any case go to your room!"
"But I."
"Hey little girl, what's your name?" asked Excel.
Sandora didn't answer.
"BLEEP! Asked you a question."
"Why did you just bleep out my name? Everyone knows my names is Exc-BLEEP! Whoever's making that noise will you stop that?"
Sound effects guy: Sorry!
"My names Sandora."
"Ohoho! Don't listen to her, her names Nikia, Nikia go to your room!"
"Nikia!" she snapped her fingers to get the point across.
"But my names Sandora, why do I have to be a girl?"
"Go to your room!" Sandora reluctantly left.
"Wow you guys have issues!" Excel remarked.
"You still take ten cups of sugar with your coffee?"
"Yay sugar! Hail Illpalatzo!"
"But you're trying to kill Illpalatzo!"
"I know but still, Hail Illpalatzo!"
They both walked into the kitchen, for some reason Excel began to narrate the scene out loud which caused Will to give her a funny look.
"This South American home makers name is Great Will of the Microcosm, her husband is Pedro. But back when we were acquainted five years ago her name was GREAT WILL OF THE MICROCOSM! Her code name was Great Will of the Microcosm..Mine was Excel."
As Excel finished narrating out loud Will slowly backed away from her. She never imagined that bullet to the head would make her externally narrate.
"I suppose it's a little late for an apology."
"You suppose right!" A large coffee stained clump of sugar fell from Excels cup as she said this hitting Microcosms clean floor and causing her to wince.
"Listen! I'm a different galaxy now! If I could go back in a machine I would.."
"Then why don't you, you're the great will of the microcosm so you can do that sort of thing."
"Uhhhh.. Well.." Microcosm dodged the question with cat like reflexes that even Harry Potter himself would envy. "That's a secret!"
"Well that explanation always works for Xellos so I guess I can buy that."
"Never mind that, I want to know if you plan on starting any more shit around my baby girl!"
"Isn't Sandora a boy?"
"I'm the great Will of the microcosm, if I want a girl, I get a girl! You know what ticks me off, you always had the cooler codename, I should have been Excel, but no I'm Great Will of the Microcosm, If I wasn't so soft spoken I'd have just said I should have been fucking Excel, but since I'm so soft spoken I didn't say that."
Now it was Excels turn to slowly back away "Well you kind of look like a Microcosm sort of person with the swirling stars & the black holes and quasars..I guess I wouldn't want to give him.I mean her anymore psychological scars then she already has so I won't kill you in front of Sandora.So when do you want to die?"
"If I wasn't so soft-spoken I'd say something like "How about tonight bitch!" you can use that talking gun and I'll use the butcher knife of the microcosms!"
"Sounds good to me! Got anymore sugar?"
"Sure, let me get some for you.." Will reached inside the sugar jar and whipped out the small handgun of the microcosms! She fired a shot which Excel dodged and then hurled the coffee cup full of sugary mush at will. It hit her smack dab spilling sugary mush all over her stars. Excel drew Nanami and blasted Will right in the center of her galaxy. Will fell down dead as all her stars went nova. Excel turned to see Sandora looking into the kitchen with a shocked look on his face.
"Uhhh.. This is kind of awkward, I didn't want to give you anymore psychological scars so I wasn't going to kill Will in front of you. But you can take it from me, that galaxy had it coming!" that didn't come out right at all, Sandora would have some serious issues if she didn't say something quick. "Uhhhh.. I like your dress!" that didn't come out right either! "You know dying isn't so bad, it's a lot like getting bitten by a rabid dog."
After showering Wills Death with colorful euphemisms in front of her son/daughter Excel walked back out to the UFO. When she got inside she pulled out a clipboard with a piece of paper. Written on the piece of paper were the words "Death list five", Already crossed out was the name Menchi, code name Menchi. The next name Great Will of the Microcosm, code name Great Will of the Microcosm. She ran a black line through Wills name marking her off as the second on the list. There were only three more to go, Puchu, code name Puchu, Kobayashi Excel, Code name Kobayashi Excel and lastly Illpalatzo!
To be continued in ch 2: The lactose intolerant bride
Authors notes: Yes this is an excel saga parody of Kill Bill, one of my favorite movies. It just seemed like the obvious thing to do to me. If your wondering why I didn't cast Nabeshin as Hattori Hanzo, but Nabeshin will be playing Pai Mei in Kill Illpalatzo vol 2, I couldn't have him in two parts, besides there's the fish.. Hyatt will also be getting a part in vol 2.
Here's the cast of vol 1
The Bride: Excel
Vernita Green: Will of the microcosm
Vernita Greens daughter: Sandora
Elle Driver: Kobayashi Excel
Oren Ishii: Menchi
Budd: Puchu
Bill: Illpalatzo
Go-Go Yubari: Sailor Kojet
Pathetic guy that Go-Go stabs: pedophile scientists guy I forget the name of
Hattori Hanzo: The guy with the ukelele who gives poemi her fish
That guy who works in Hattori Hanzos bar: Poemi
Johnny Moe: Ballsbovsky from hell (I think that's how his name was pronounced)
Boss Matsumoto: That old man from the Menchi episodes
Oren's dad: Wolf
Oren's Mom: That girl dog who was with Wolf I forget the name of
Boss Matsumotos henchman: Cheater
The Crazy 88: Those bowling pin guys
Sofie Fatalle: The girl that translates for Menchi in the end credits
Yakuza bosses: Iwata, Sumiyoshi, Watanabe & Kabapu
Boss Tanaka: Koshi Rikudo
Buck: Alien # 1
Truck driver who was with Buck: K-kun
Chapter 1: 2 (with a little circle drawn around it)
Flash back
Excels lying on the floor with five assailants standing over her. For some reason everything got all black & white but right now Excel has bigger things to worry about then a change of scenery.
Illpalatzo: Do you find me sadistic? On the contrary this is me at my most masochistic.. Oh who am I kidding, shooting you is almost as fun as dropping you through that trap door.
Excel was about to say something about how she had his baby, but as usual her train of thought was interrupted by her hunger at the most inappropriate time. .
Excel: Menchi!!!!.(As excel reached for the dog a loud bang from Illpalatzos gun rang out, the bullet hitting her head like a hubcap from Tanya Harding)
After shooting Excel Illpalatzo pulls a rope and her body falls through a trap door in the floor slashing into the water below, cast off like ...so many used pieces of toilet paper..
Illpalatzo: I'm going to miss doing that.
Five years later
A clunky looking UFO with the pink words "Unidentified flying pussy" painted on the side pulls up in front of a house somewhere in a green valley in South America. A mail box in front of the simple looking house has the name "Pedro" written on it in hiragana. Why someone in South America would write their name in hiragana on their mailbox would be anyone's guess. But this was definitely the house she was looking for.
The door to the UFO opened up and out stepped a blond woman, it's excel (big surprise there!). She was dressed in an orange leather jacket, at her side that talking gun from the Puchu episode is cleverly concealed in a talking gun holster. Walking passed the mailbox Excel strode up to the door and pressed her finger on the doorbell.
Great Will of the Microcosm who was in the middle of a phone call floated over to the door. She was expecting to see Pedro or her son .err I mean "daughter" Sandora. But instead she saw a face from the past. a face she never thought she would see again, the face of Excel which at the last moment she had seen it was wracked with hunger for dog meat but now the only thing she was hungry for was revenge! Served cold, the way klingons like it!
Will was so distracted by the spaghetti western style flash back that occurred when their eyes met that she was unprepared for Excels punch that hit the center of her galaxy with the force of a pile driver sending her spiraling across the room and crashing into a shelf full off vases. Excel was about to hit her with an ax kick but Will parried and then caused one of her stars to go nova burning Excels foot. Using this distraction she flew upward upper cutting Excel sending her backwards over a table. Excel pulled out her talking gun.
Talking gun: My name is Nanami!
Using Nanami she fired a blast, Will quickly opened a black hole inside her body sucking up the blast and then flew into the kitchen. Excel fired another blast but will parried it with a butcher knife.
"How did you do that?"
"This is the great butcher knife of the microcosm!" Will flew foreword slashing. Excel grabbed the great frying pan of the microcosm parrying the butcher knife. With another slash Will cut her wrist and then knocked a shelf full of China on top of Excel. She was about to move in for the kill but Excel smashed her in the place where her face would have been with the frying pan of the microcosm knocking her over a table. Both of them got up, Excel with Nanami drawn and ready to fire and Will with her butcher knife of the microcosm, it was a standoff.
"I'd say something like "Come and get some bitch" but I'm much to soft spoken to say that." Said Will
"Yeah.. Well you'd better submit to the glorious Across and Illpalatzo sama!"
"But you're the one trying to kill Illpalatzo and Across!"
"Oh yeah I forgot, I could sure go for some dog meat."
Before this incredibly dramatic sequence of dialogue could continue a little boy dressed in drag to look like Nikki opened the door. "Mom! What happened?" Excel and Will both quickly hid their weapons.
Will quickly thought to come up with a good excuse "Uhhh.. That dog of yours ate my homework."
"Yeah, I know, that's what I tell my teachers everyday but they don't believe me. But that's not what I was asking about. What happened to the room?" Sandora asked looking around at the mess.
"Damn, I used the wrong excuse, in any case go to your room!"
"But I."
"Hey little girl, what's your name?" asked Excel.
Sandora didn't answer.
"BLEEP! Asked you a question."
"Why did you just bleep out my name? Everyone knows my names is Exc-BLEEP! Whoever's making that noise will you stop that?"
Sound effects guy: Sorry!
"My names Sandora."
"Ohoho! Don't listen to her, her names Nikia, Nikia go to your room!"
"Nikia!" she snapped her fingers to get the point across.
"But my names Sandora, why do I have to be a girl?"
"Go to your room!" Sandora reluctantly left.
"Wow you guys have issues!" Excel remarked.
"You still take ten cups of sugar with your coffee?"
"Yay sugar! Hail Illpalatzo!"
"But you're trying to kill Illpalatzo!"
"I know but still, Hail Illpalatzo!"
They both walked into the kitchen, for some reason Excel began to narrate the scene out loud which caused Will to give her a funny look.
"This South American home makers name is Great Will of the Microcosm, her husband is Pedro. But back when we were acquainted five years ago her name was GREAT WILL OF THE MICROCOSM! Her code name was Great Will of the Microcosm..Mine was Excel."
As Excel finished narrating out loud Will slowly backed away from her. She never imagined that bullet to the head would make her externally narrate.
"I suppose it's a little late for an apology."
"You suppose right!" A large coffee stained clump of sugar fell from Excels cup as she said this hitting Microcosms clean floor and causing her to wince.
"Listen! I'm a different galaxy now! If I could go back in a machine I would.."
"Then why don't you, you're the great will of the microcosm so you can do that sort of thing."
"Uhhhh.. Well.." Microcosm dodged the question with cat like reflexes that even Harry Potter himself would envy. "That's a secret!"
"Well that explanation always works for Xellos so I guess I can buy that."
"Never mind that, I want to know if you plan on starting any more shit around my baby girl!"
"Isn't Sandora a boy?"
"I'm the great Will of the microcosm, if I want a girl, I get a girl! You know what ticks me off, you always had the cooler codename, I should have been Excel, but no I'm Great Will of the Microcosm, If I wasn't so soft spoken I'd have just said I should have been fucking Excel, but since I'm so soft spoken I didn't say that."
Now it was Excels turn to slowly back away "Well you kind of look like a Microcosm sort of person with the swirling stars & the black holes and quasars..I guess I wouldn't want to give him.I mean her anymore psychological scars then she already has so I won't kill you in front of Sandora.So when do you want to die?"
"If I wasn't so soft-spoken I'd say something like "How about tonight bitch!" you can use that talking gun and I'll use the butcher knife of the microcosms!"
"Sounds good to me! Got anymore sugar?"
"Sure, let me get some for you.." Will reached inside the sugar jar and whipped out the small handgun of the microcosms! She fired a shot which Excel dodged and then hurled the coffee cup full of sugary mush at will. It hit her smack dab spilling sugary mush all over her stars. Excel drew Nanami and blasted Will right in the center of her galaxy. Will fell down dead as all her stars went nova. Excel turned to see Sandora looking into the kitchen with a shocked look on his face.
"Uhhh.. This is kind of awkward, I didn't want to give you anymore psychological scars so I wasn't going to kill Will in front of you. But you can take it from me, that galaxy had it coming!" that didn't come out right at all, Sandora would have some serious issues if she didn't say something quick. "Uhhhh.. I like your dress!" that didn't come out right either! "You know dying isn't so bad, it's a lot like getting bitten by a rabid dog."
After showering Wills Death with colorful euphemisms in front of her son/daughter Excel walked back out to the UFO. When she got inside she pulled out a clipboard with a piece of paper. Written on the piece of paper were the words "Death list five", Already crossed out was the name Menchi, code name Menchi. The next name Great Will of the Microcosm, code name Great Will of the Microcosm. She ran a black line through Wills name marking her off as the second on the list. There were only three more to go, Puchu, code name Puchu, Kobayashi Excel, Code name Kobayashi Excel and lastly Illpalatzo!
To be continued in ch 2: The lactose intolerant bride