Title: Never Go Back
Author: Mikkimikka
Rating: M
Summary: Masato gave up on his dream for the sake of the woman he loved. 6 years later Masato is forced to admit to himself that everything had been a mistake as the world begins to crumble around him during Haruka's 2nd pregnancy. MasaRen
01.
Steam filled the room as hot bath water poured from the faucet. The tub filled rapidly with lavender scented colored water as in the adjacent room a single person undressed. With precision white slender fingers – fingers of a pianist – folded a knitted sweater into a square setting it aside in a separate pile. Cashmere was one of his favorites as it didn't itch the smooth skin of his arms and he couldn't afford to have it ruined.
Sliding the door open and revealing the wide spacious bathing area, Hijirikawa Masato stepped inside taking 3 steps across the length of the room and then bending over to stop the faucet from running.
Immediately hot, burning hot hands seized him from behind, moving like smooth velvet across his skin and around slipping around his torso. He tensed up and then melted, sliding against the heated body. He let his eyes close and his partner's index finger hit against his nipple.
"Jinguji-"
And then the rest of his words were swallowed in a kiss. He turned, his lover allowed it, and wrapped his arms around the tanned waist of Jinguji Ren. He let his eyes open as their face broke apart and he could make out Ren's grin in the steamy room and he was almost left breathless.
"I told you not to follow me in here."
"I've always been hardheaded," Ren countered, voice exceedingly husky.
Masato found himself playing, touching, caressing the skin at the small of his partner's back as he looked down and placed a series of butterfly kisses across Ren's collarbone. He leaned back and breathed in the scent of his lover, still so strong despite the lavender wafting thickly in the air.
"I love you," almost tumbled from his mouth but he swallowed the words down leaving them unspoken and moved, pushing Ren away.
"Close the door," he commanded instead and Ren did as told letting the shower enclose them in the space.
The shower room was wide and covered all over in beautiful spotless white tile. Masato seated himself on a low bench and Ren plopped down beside him. They washed methodically, the previous mood seemingly lost in the task of cleaning their bodies. Perhaps Ren meant nothing by joining him. The room was certainly big enough for multiple people to shower and then soak. Only once did Ren touch him as he reached for a shampoo but it was quick and unintentional.
Masato finished first, his hair washing regimen decidedly much shorter than Ren's, and stood, making his way to the hot water of the bath beside him. He let himself go completely as he entered. All of his muscles relaxed in the heat and in that moment Masato had to give silent thanks to the universe for allowing him to be born Japanese. It wasn't even a hot spring but he missed it for sure. It had been too long, because really anything more than a week was too long, since he last bath. The past few weeks had been grueling and he never had time to unwind the way he really wanted to.
Eye lids slipped closed as his head tilted back, hitting against the tiles. Masato didn't even move as he felt the water stir beside him and Ren's legs brush against his underneath the water. He didn't even bother to complain that the other was much too close for the size of the facility. He knew that Ren was aware that he didn't even care. The contact was also what he desired to unwind properly.
Reaching out, Masato searched with eyes closed for the hand of his companion and finding it intertwined their fingers and enjoyed the way Ren squeezed him back.
Three and a half weeks. That was how long it had been since he could indulge like this both in the pleasures of a bath and in his lover. After all, Canada didn't have such baths nor did it have Ren. Masato felt time was slowed as long as they were in the rented room.
Sneaking around had never felt so right, so justified than it did in his stolen moments and he wondered really why it was that Ren agreed to it. They both were busy men Masato knew it. Though Ren wasn't intended to inherit his family's business like he was they were both extremely involved in the proceedings. And yet he always had time to meet after his trips, movie and modeling career aside, the fact that Masato had a wife and child largely ignored.
Masato pushed down the guilt in his belly at the reminder of Haruka and instead squeezed Ren's hand tighter.
"I'm here," Ren replied as if sensing his partner's apprehension.
The Hijirikawa heir didn't bother to reply but he opened his eyes to make sure it was Ren who was really there and not the woman he had just thought about. Their eyes met and Ren closed the gap between them pulling Masato's body close and kissing him with passion that never seemed to die down no matter how many years they continued to meet like this.
It was too hot in the bath for such business and Masato pushed Ren away by the shoulder and stood making his way out of the bath.
Grabbing a towel as he exited Masato toweled off and padded across the plush carpeted room, dropping water everywhere, before he reached the bed at the end of the room. He patted the rest of his body dry then tossed aside his towel and pulled a yukata on loosely around his body. Of course he had noticed the way Ren had already crawled onto the bed, dried off, though his hair still dripped water onto his pillows and shoulders, and completely naked.
"Why do you always insist on putting that on when you know I'll only pull it back off?"
Masato turned his face to hid his smirk but of course Ren knew it was there.
It wasn't even morning. Masato knew it couldn't have been more than a few minutes after he had dozed off after having made lover when he was stirred awake from the light sleep by the feeling of Ren moving out of the bed. He moaned something, perhaps it was a question, and Ren glanced at him a smirk on his face that even in his sleep and post coitus haze Masato could tell didn't reach the other's eyes.
"Schedule in a few."
"Then why did you agree to meet?" Masato wanted to ask but he didn't bother.
He knew that Ren had his own life and he knew he was supposed to have one too but he couldn't help but want to linger in this fake one whenever he could. He liked to pretend that Ren enjoyed it too. That's why he always came.
Masato leaned into a kiss Ren planted on his cheek. He watched as Ren, smoothing his hair down as he passed by a mounted mirror, made his way to the door.
"Tell the little lamb and Kazuma I say 'hi'," Ren said instead of goodbye.
They both knew that Masato wouldn't and yet that was the way Ren always departed. Each time never failed to leave him feeling ridden with guilt.
"I'm home," Masato said as he entered his Kyoto family residence.
Despite the size of the estate there was always someone near the door to greet him upon returning home. He was only grateful that instead of his wife it was little Kazuma instead.
"Dad!" the voice of the 5 year old rang from down the hall.
Masato dropped his suitcase on the floor and waited as sure enough a little bundle of energy came tearing down the hall in a blue t-shirt, tiny jean shorts and white socks that stopped mid calf. Kazuma came barreling towards him, midnight colored tresses of hair bouncing as he did so, and smiling widely. Masato stooped down enveloping the kindergarten aged boy in a hug. The child snuggled into it.
"Dad, I missed you!"
"I missed you too, Kazu-kun," Masato said, smiling warmly at the boy and being proud of himself upon realizing that he was telling the truth.
"How was Canata?" Kazuma asked, he always made a point to remember where his dad went on his frequent business trips, though not always correctly.
"Canada," corrected Masato. "And it was very cool out. Even though it's May the mornings aren't as warm as here in Japan yet."
Masato dug into his bag and pulled out a beaver stuffed toy causing the boy's face to light up.
"Oh! What's this?" Kazuma grabbed the toy looking it over and pinching the flat tail.
"It's a beaver. It's an animal in Canada we don't have in Japan," explained Masato patiently.
"COOL!"
Masato smiled fondly as he watched Kazuma inspect the animal with a sense of wonder only found in children of his age. The moment however was ruined as the familiar soft voice of his wife rang through the air.
"Kazuma?"
Kazuma and Masato looked up from the toy.
"Mommy, I'm here! Dad's home!"
Masato kept his eye trained to the ground as his wife's slipper clad feet came into view. He braced himself, swallowing his guilt of the events of the previous morning down like a bitter pill.
"Mommy! Look!"
"Oh, Kazu-kun, what's that?" Haruka came closer and crouched down.
Masato stood quickly, not ready to meet at eye level.
"It's a beaver. Dad got it from me from Canata!"
Masato muttered the correction under his breath, "Canada." and finally looked at Haruka kneeling on the floor with what was supposed to be his little boy. Kazuma was hugging the beaver as Haruka cooed over it. Kazuma was so precious and he didn't regret one bit having the boy in his life but seeing the kid with his mother somehow bothered him greatly.
He knew from the beginning that the boy wasn't his. He knew it even before their wedding day and he told himself that he didn't care. But then why was it then, that every time the boy laughed and Haruka fawned over him did it bother him so much? Why was it that he couldn't get rid of the bitter taste in his mouth over the fact that that nose, those eyes, those lips on their cute little Hijirikawa Kazuma belonged to none other than Ichinose Tokiya?
Haruka stood. Masato, not ready for the sudden movement took a step back and his eyes fell immediately to the swell of Haruka's pregnant belly. This time his.
Haruka noticed the focus of his gaze and smiled softly letting a hand rest on her stomach.
Guilt ate at him and saying nothing more he walked away carrying his bag up to his room. Thankfully nobody followed.
In the beginning it was easy to blame his dissatisfaction with marriage on the circumstances surrounding him and Haruka's union. He remembered the day 6 years ago he found the composer hunched in front of the piano crying, bawling her eyes out. The memory was as clear as if it had just occurred.
"Nanami-san."
Haruka was startled by the sound of his voice and she sat up, wiping the tears from her streaked face.
"Nanami-san, what's wrong?"
"Excuse me, I'm sorry!" the composer stood and ran out of the room in a hurry.
In all of his years of acquaintance with Haruka, Masato has never seen her in such a state of obvious distress. And it wasn't just that evening either. From that day forward whenever they met on the premises the girl was merely a ghost of her past self. She seemed to be going through the motions and nobody quite knew what to make of the situation.
The members of STARISH worried but were unable to gather any information from Tomochika, the only person who seemed to be in the confidence of Haruka and knew exactly what was going on. Natsuki began baking things to try to cheer their friend up but it failed. Even Ren's crass flirtions failed to get a rise out of her.
It was Ai who said the thing that started to make their worlds crumble from beneath them. They sat ruminating on the strangeness of Haruka's recent behavior and depression. Natsuki looked on the verge of tears and Syo sat helplessly beside him ready to comfort his older friend if need be. Tokiya feigned disinterest by reading his book but Masato knew that he felt the same as the rest of them for their composer and friend.
"Why won't Shibuya just tell us what's up so we can help Haruka?" Syo growled, frustration displaying itself in a fit of anger.
"Haru-chan, I miss her beautiful smile," Otoya sighed. "I... I mean music!" He quickly corrected himself.
"I miss the little lamb's smile too," Ren assured the red headed guitarist. "No need to be embarrassed."
"Her smile and music would be needed for a subpar group as yours to continue as a passable unit," Camus commented not so helpfully before leaving the room.
And finally that was when Ai spoke, "Perhaps Haruka's depression is caused by the worry and stress related to her pregnancy."
It was as if time came screaming to a halt at that moment as every man in the room processed Ai's ridiculous suggestion.
"I believe your wiring is faulty there. The little lamb is not pregnant," Ren was the first to speak.
"Haru-chan doesn't have a boyfriend!" Natsuki chimed.
If Masato weren't as distressed from the news as the others he would have probably been amused by Ranmaru's attempt to calm Cecil down from the corner of his eye.
"Hm...My data has had her marked as pregnant for quite some time now," Ai went on.
"Quite some time?" Ranmaru asked the question everyone had on their mind.
"A little over two months."
Needless to say, Chaos once again broke lose and the guys began to shout and carry on. Masato however sat stunned in his chair. His heart became paralyzed with fear. He didn't have anger. There was no shred of it. Instead he became gripped with worry. Pregnant? Haruka? But how? And she was facing it alone? That day earlier in the week at the piano when Haruka had been crying, no wonder Masato's heart cried out for her. He felt her pain and he was compelled to heal it.
Masato was infatuated with the composer. If anyone were to ask she was the only person in the world for him. It was something akin to torture inside to not be able to help her. He had only lingered in the shadows and watched her as she began to waste away. Worry began to eat at his heart the same way whatever bothered the composer ate at hers. He told himself if there was anything he could do to help her he'd do it. It was a personal vow and now he was going to make sure he went through with it.
He stood and slipped out out of the door to seek the girl out. He had to confront her and in his haste and reflection he hadn't noticed that Tokiya had slipped from the room as soon as Ai had made the pronouncement.
Masato walked as fast as he could towards the area Haruka's room was located. He neared the stairwell and as he did he heard voices. His footsteps hurried as the voices began to rise in the tell tale rhythm of bickering. He almost flinched when Tokiya's yell came out as a bark as he reached the area in time.
"Get rid of it!"
"I, I-"
"Get rid of it!" the second time lost the commanding tone of the first, instead coming out as desperate.
"Nanami!" Masato called.
Tokiya glanced to the side but otherwise ignored Masato instead focusing again on a Haruka who was stunned beyond belief and unable to respond. She hugged her arms tightly in a defensive position and Tokiya spoke again.
"Don't do this. We worked so hard for everything after all of these years. You can't have it. It'll ruin everything," Tokiya spoke, breathless but otherwise more calm than before.
Haruka shook her head and hugged herself tighter, "B,but-"
"Haruka!" Tokiya barked again and he reached out for her but that was when Masato knew he had to act.
He wedged himself between the two.
"Stop!" Masato commanded, chest heaving.
"You don't understand," Tokiya began.
"I understand enough. Don't you see you're hurting her?" Masato narrowed his eyes.
Tokiya looked like he was going to say more but stopped as Haruka touched Masato's shoulder. Masato refused to let his guard down but glanced beside him as Haruka stepped forward. His heart filled to the brim at the sight of the bravery on her face.
"I'm sorry," she began. "But there is no way I'm giving up our baby."
Tokiya looked distressed, "But you... we can't. We can't be parents. What about STARISH?"
Haruka bit her lip mustering up strength. She shook her head and spoke quivering a bit but still strong regardless.
"Is STARISH more important to you than me?"
It was such a loaded question and Masato, as a member of STARISH, knew the weight of it. He saw the passing of so many emotions in Tokiya's eyes. Of course Tokiya knew as much as Masato did, as Haruka herself did, how much of the composer's essence made up the group. Without Haruka just who were they? If he were to say STARISH, if he chose fame, fortune and a shot of keeping everything the 7 of them worked for what would that mean? Masato felt the pain even in his own gut as the answer the the question began to form in Tokiya's eyes. The dark orbs began to harden as his jaw set firmly. Words began to pass through his lips.
"Get rid of it."
Without waiting for an answer, perhaps having reached his own emotional limit, Tokiya stalked off with fists clenched tightly at his sides. Haruka staggered backwards before her body sagged against the wall.
"Haruka!"
Masato joined her side, taking her by the arm.
"No," she said softly, hand touching at her belly and suddenly her eyes began to drip with fresh tears. "I can't. I can't!"
She shook her head wildly and Masato gathered the girl close to him. She pressed her wet cheek against his chest and he held her there as she wept.
"I can't!"
Masato stared down at her unsure of what to do with himself. He lifted a shaky hand and carded it experimentally through Haruka's bright colored hair. He knew what he could do to help her.
"Then don't," he said.
"What?" she looked up at him with wet eyes.
"Don't get rid of it. I'll marry you."
"But...," Haruka pulled away quickly as if stung.
"STARISH or you? That's the question, right? I choose you."
"You... you can't mean that. You, but this baby... it's-"
It wasn't his baby and perhaps none of this business. Was that what she wanted to say? But whatever had been brewing between the composer he loved obviously could proceed no further if Tokiya wished to discard their unborn child.
"I understand," Masato said. "And I'm sure."
In that moment, looking as Haruka as beautiful as she was in her pure agony, Masato was sure he had never felt so convinced about anything in his life. There was nothing in the world he felt could stop him from loving the woman standing in front of her or her baby. It was like a dream sequence that passed before his eyes.
He imagined them at the alter in a traditional wedding, Haruka in a beautiful kimono, his mother's kimono. His wife was always supposed to wear it after all. He saw them holding the newborn child, of him being glad that the father was Ichinose because it would be easy to pass off his child as his own. He pictured the kid's first 7-5-3 festival at the shrine. He saw himself finally accepting his role completely in the Hijirikawa group as heir. Everything would be perfect.
He was convinced that it was fate.
"Marry me."
He held out his hand and Haruka looked at him with large amber eyes. How could she be so ethereal a beauty despite being flushed and swollen from crying?
Haruka shook her head and Masato feared the worst. He didn't know what he would do if he were rejected. Desperation was about to take over but then she reached out and placed her hand in his. Perhaps in hindsight she were the one desperate; not only to keep the baby but also the pure love that could only come from a man willing to marry a woman right away despite her having their mutual friend's baby.
Masato allowed his hand to close around Haruka's and he never thought he'd ever feel anything again that would feel so right.
-to be continued-
AN: my 2nd utapri story. uhm i was working on an update to my other one when suddenly i started writing this instead! this is anime-verse and i did take some liberties i suppose that's obvious enough. Thanks for reading and please review