This was in response to a challenge on Tumblr from ahumanintraining. Otherwise known as thir13enth here on ffnet.
Warning to any potential readers:
This is really badly written smut. It's horrible, and unrealistic, and probably very unhealthy. It will not get better the further you read. (That being said, I did include a treat in it for those of you who survive this experience.)
I am now going to go take a shower, though I know no amount of water will cleanse me of this sin. Then I am going to take out the hard alcohol, because I deserve it after writing this thing… while completely sober.
Good luck, y'all.
Yer gonna need it.
Title: A Manly Encounter
Pairing: Ichiya x Elfman
Challenge: Write bad smut, over 500 words, in the style of Sandra Hill's "Rough and Ready" romance novel.
Ichiya spun around with a gasp, his towel splatting wetly on the floor. "Elfman!" he gasped, staring at the muscular man in his doorway. Elfman stood there like Goliath, if Goliath were naked and his flagpole was standing at full mast at the sight of the beautiful David standing there also naked before him. The fruits of his manhood hung low, and full - swaying seductively at the orange haired man.
"It wasn't very manly of me to barge in like this," Elfman said, embarrassed. "But I needed you to know... I needed you to know that I thought you were very... manly tonight."
"Nay!" Ichiya proclaimed, "I... I too thought..." Ichiya felt his soldier rising to stand at attention and salute the proud flag, which waved in a spasm of excitement. "I too thought you were a paragon of manliness!"
Elfman stepped closer, until his pulsing, thick member was pressed into Ichiya's chest. "What if I show you what my manly paragon can do?"
"Meeeen..." Ichiya purred, his knees going weak with desire, but his ginormous rod - David for once outsizing Goliath - remained rigid and he pressed it urgently into Elfman's thigh. "Please. I need you... sexually. Urgently."
The large man wasted no time in lifting Ichiya up by his soft, bouncy buttocks and threw him onto the bed.
Ichiya bounced on mattress, coming to a rest on his stomach. He mewled at the treatment, his thighs aching and his rocket ship begging for launch. Flipping over, he splayed himself out on the bedspread. "What are you waiting for, Man?"
Holding up two very large, golden packets, Elfman explained, "Nothing is manlier than protection!"
Once the pair had their daggers properly sheathed, Ichiya wiggled into position, thrusting his rear into the air. He handed Elfman a tube of lube, which the man promptly greased his steel-hard pole with - the excess lube dripping down Ichiya's bared cheeks.
Elfman parted Ichiya's legs, his cavern opening for exploration; he had a spelunking license and he was prepared to put it to a pleasurable use. As he coated the entrance with more lube, he had the feeling that this was one hole he would never want to crawl out of.
"Meeen!" Ichiya cried out in ecstasy, as Elfman's love spear speared him all the way to his prostate with one smooth jab. He felt full as the engorged cock spread him to his fullest.
Grunting as he repeatedly stabbed his swollen pecker between Ichiya's spongy love mountains, Elfman had never felt so manly before. "I've never felt so manly before!" he shouted, sweat sliding down his bronzed skin as his fleshy, huge ball sacks smacked wetly into Ichiya's plump ass with every plunge, just as Ichiya's towel had when it hit the floor.
"Turn us both into MEN!" Ichiya said, gripping the sheets tighter with every undulating motion of their connected bodies, and his man fruits slapping the insides of his thighs.
Pressure built up inside their pistons, as if they were flower buds waiting to bloom - bloom with a spray of semen, contained within the protective casings of their condoms.
Ichiya's DNA rifle suddenly released, and he let out one more shout of, "MEEEEEEEEN!"
Elfman, too, could hold back no longer and he too, fired his cannon into Ichiya's warm, tight ass with his own cry of, "MAAAAAAAAAN!"
Spent, and basking into the glow of their lovemaking, the two collapsed onto the bed sheets. They panted heavily from the exertion of their love, and slowly Elfman pulled out of Ichiya's back entrance. His dick twinged at the sudden loss of Ichiya's welcoming, puckered petals, longing to be thrust in once more to repeat the joyous experience. Alas, Elfman was too exhausted to abide by his thwacker's wishes, and he instead pulled off the condom and disposed of it along with Ichiya's.
After they tidied up, Ichiya pulled Elfman's back into his chest, smelling the thick parfume of ecstasy in the air. It was the loveliest parfume in all of Earthland.
"So? What did you think?" inquired a lovely pink-haired woman. "Now... please be honest, Ren! Don't hold back just because we're engaged!"
The woman's fiancé had gone very pale, the piece of writing he had just read enough to reverse the effects of his tanning lacrima and then some. His hands were shaky, and sweaty as he set the sheaf of papers down. "Sherry," he started, pausing to wet his lips and choose his words carefully. "I love you. I love you very dearly. But please, please don't ever make me proofread your fanfiction of my boss ever again. I beg of you."
She pouted. "Oh alright - I guess it would be awkward to read something smutty about your mentor. But you have to admit that they'd make an interesting pair, right?!"
Ren nodded weakly, glad to never have to suffer through that again. "Sure. Teacher and Elfman do have a lot in common." Though he would never be able to listen to either man's signature phrases every again without bursting into a cold sweat, cringing, and possibly crying.
"Well... I do have this thing here that you can proofread instead!"
Reluctantly, Ren took the new papers from his fiancée. A tear slipped down his cheek at the sight of several iterations of the phrase, "Oh, yeah!" along with, "granite abs" and "rock of justice." It was to be the first tear of many, many more to come. Just like the subjects of his fiancée's writing were. All over each other.
He loved her, he reminded himself. He really, truly loved her. He could, and would, endure this.
Yes, I realize I'm a horrible person for posting this on Easter.
I was raised Catholic, and I understand the gravity of my sin.
Also, my childhood can fucking suck it. I do so enjoy raising a middle finger to my upbringing.