I love you but I hurt you

A/N: this is angsty but fluff. It's Herm thinking about her problems and love. This is like a diary entry got it? It's H/H. It will have a second chapter, so if you like it…and Review telling me so, I'll post the next. I think it's a good plot but I don't know if you're going to think the same. I'm feeling the same too, like I always ruin boys' lives…but haven't got that number of boyfriends. I has nothing to do with my other fics, although Isabel is on it. Well, enough of my babbling. R&R!!!!(please guys, I really need to cheer up…)

Chapter 1: My secret

14th February, Valentine's day

God, it's snowing. It looks simply beautiful, the flakes falling and crashing meters down this dorm. But its so sad…it makes me remember yesterday…We, Harry and me, at the Astronomy tower. We got there under his invisibility cloak. It was very funny, having him by my side, in the dark, wandering through the castles. Just suddenly, he decided we were going there. It was cold, snowing just like now.

//flashback//

"Herm, You know that there's a ball tomorrow right?"

"Right" I said, sounding so oblivious. I knew what would happen the second after. And it did. He took me by my waist, rested his head on my shoulder as we looked outside, to the big Hogwarts grounds, in the immensity our little, happy worlds where problems seemed far away although they really didn't. Snow falling in my cheeks. I didn't feel cold though. I felt nervous, and sorry.

"Then…wannagowithme?" He said it very fast I could hear the quiver on his voice. I knew he was going to ask me, perhaps that he had a crush on me. I could notice by the way he looked at me…and the way he treated me.

He was nervous. But inside me, there was a fight, yes or no…the answer. But I didn't want to do it again…

"I'm…going with somebody else…"

"Who are you going with?" he still didn't get his arm out of my waist and his head over my shoulder. But he was sad… I could feel it in his voice, as my heart ached. It was regretting the last few words my mind dared to say.

//end of fb//

It was an awful thing to do. It was stupid. Saying no to Harry Potter. Girls all over the world would've given their lives to go out with the emerald-eyed boy. The famous Harry Potter, and I simply said no. Is that I've got a secret, a big secret.

"Herm…the ball remember? You should be getting ready!!"

Yes…the ball's today. And who was yelling at me behind the door was my good friend Isabel. She's going with Ron. She doesn't even now this, the secret I'm about to reveal.

I remember, that from my very first years of life, I had friends from the opposite sex. Our mom's would take us to the park near my house and leave us in the sandbox, as they sat in a nearby bench to watch after us.

By the end, I would always make my friend cry.

So you could say it was just because we were babies. But when I was at the school, it happened the same, though they didn't cry, but get mad at me, and hate me for the rest of that year.

When I was ten, almost every guy in the school hated me. Not because I got with everyone, but because the story went from mouth to mouth, making me popular by the nick name "black widow", just as the spider.

And when I was feeling the worst, the Hogwarts letter arrived. It was almost like a blessing from God to me. I bought everything I needed, and got very exited in the first day. But most of all, I swore for my dear life I wasn't going to ruin any boys' life. That I wasn't going to get that bad fame I had at my muggle school.

And it worked. By sounding bossy and being more know-it-all than ever, no boy looked at me, like a girl. They simply knew me as a bookworm. I had two friends, of course, but never allowed them to know me like a girl. Just like a dictionary with feet that could help them in their homework.

All this worked as I liked for the first three years. During summers I didn't go anywhere that wasn't the market or Diagon Alley. Sometimes we traveled to France, but it was no problem. I didn't make any problem. Things were going all right.

The things went out of my hand at 4th year. First, it was Vicktor. Vicktor Krum, the famous Bulgarian quidditch player had fallen for me, a muggleborn girl. I must recognize I liked him a little. He was very nice to me and all that. I thought my curse had flown away, that I would never have problems with boys again. I left my know-it-all mask at the girls' dorm resting as I made my best to look as beautiful as a shooting star. And it worked. My hair had returned to be as it was before I decided to be a dictionary and learn everything by heart. The robes I used were simply beautiful and, although I didn't use much make up, many boys gasped as they realized it was none other than Hermione know-it-all Granger.

But then, I had to brake up with him. I had because he was too old for me, I was 14 and he, 18. My family wasn't going to accept him, and my father was very angry, and promised that if we didn't brake up, he would take me out of Hogwarts and put me in a public school. So I did. One day, I told him to go to the greenhouses. There, I told him what my parents thought.

The curse hadn't blown away at all.

Then, it was my neighbor, during the summer. He asked me if we could go out, but he was just like the brother I never had to me. He was nice and all that, but I couldn't date him if I didn't love him. He felt so depressed and sad, he went to his house earlier that usual, and never talked to me again.

The next following summers, happened the same, each one with different boys, and always the same, I ruined their lives. For me, I was getting more and more depressed ever, knowing that I just couldn't get a boy to love without turning upside down their lives.

But I never expected this to happen. It was during this start-of-term feast that I noticed Harry staring at me. I looked at him right in his eyes…what a beautiful pair of eyes…and he got slightly pink and continued his chatter with Ron about quidditch. But on my side, I knew this was the worst thing ever.

I knew how his life had been. His parents were dead, and his aunt and uncle treated him as if it was a rat they were raising. Then, having to fight Voldemort several times, being about to die in each of them.

I did feel something for this emerald-eyed boy. He was charming, handsome, nice, brave, clever and sexy, the ideal for every girl. But I didn't have that sort of crush on him. I felt like I really loved him, and that's why I couldn't date him. I had learnt through my years of cursed relationships with boys that the more I loved them, the more they suffered. I tried to deny it first, immersing my mind in my books. But he saw past my know-it-all mask, something most of the boys aren't able to, and saw the girl I am. And yesterday, as I wrote, he asked me for the ball. I don't want to go out with him. I don't want to ruin his life. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves a girl who will love him as much as I do.

"C'mon Herm…"

"I'm going!!!!"

That was Isabel again. I better start getting ready.

Nobody knows this. And I hope they never do. It would be best if I had a magical curse. In that case it wouldn't be my fault. I would be able to blame it, instead of blaming my self, and fight it, look up in books any way to do it, drink a potion or something and PRESTO! It's ready, you can run into Harry's arms and hug him and kiss him without making him miserable, as well as you.

That would be the best. Or at least find a magical lamp, just like in Aladinno and a ghost would make me normal again. But even though it's magical, it ain't possible.

I found the robes I used in 4th year, they are still beautiful. I'll use them again. I don't know why but I feel like using them now, as I can't use plain black robes. That's how I'm feeling. Miserable. Better cheer up because it'll be a loooong night…

D/C: feeeew…*pants* I wrote that non-stop. So as you guys know, and the world would be different if they belonged to anybody else (example: me) the HP characters belong to JKR and I don't feel like owning them, except for one. Yessss the emerald-eyed boy is MINE!!!! (mischievous grin)

A/N: Review!!!! I need to cheer up!!! Pleeeez I beg u!!! review!!!!