Resurrection of the Wish Witch

This is for the Crack Pairings Week(s) on FB, since I also made it to include genderswapped pairings as well. There will be a certain amount of crack in here, but heavily focused on the epicness of Psychoshipping, blood, and magic. I don't own Umineko, Higurashi, Yugioh, or anything else referenced. It's just an idea.

Summary: Bakura, the Witch of Time, is obsessed with getting back his love, Mariku, the Witch of Curses and Wishes. He'll go to any length to steal his soul back from the Dark World. As everyone who once oppressed Bakura and Mariku are murdered in a ritualistic style, Shion, Malik, and Ange are forced to investigate the causes of the murders with Beatrice and Battler.

warnings: Heavy dose of crack pairings, some yuri, some yaoi, implied sex, genderswap, blood, murder

Wish/Curse 1: The Curse Witch's Epitaph

Bakura flipped through the book Mariku's shadow had given to him. "Greetings. It is safe to assume that you are a fellow witch or sorcerer. I am the witch/sorcerer Ishutaru Mariku, Witch of Curses and Wishes. By the way, a male spell caster can be called a witch, so don't believe me to be a girl. You, who seek to revive me, follow my epitaph precisely, and I will surrender my body and soul to you. Whether you make me your lover or a pawn is entirely up to you. A witch's blood is much more precious than a mere human's, and as a result, the cost to revive a witch is steep. If you choose to revive me, I wish you luck. Ah, my Mariku! I'll gladly bring you back. I'll be your yandere love!" Bakura cackled like the villain that he was.

In the midnight hour for the King of Thieves, time was at a standstill. He ran to several places, not bothering to make a silent entrance into the places; after all, he was walking around in frozen time. He brandished a saw-edged cleaver, a pocket knife, and his dagger-sharp vampire teeth, ready to fight.

When morning came, the detectives of Kannaduki prefecture were astonished to hear reports of a seven-person murder. The murderer had broken into the house of the Kuran family, the Kiryu family, and the Furede family, and in a gory battle, had slew all of them with a Ripper-style slash to the neck. Engraved into the corpses post-mortem were the likenesses of the famed Thousand-Year Items. The murders seemed to have taken place with a matter of three hours, though the crimes suggest the victims were killed within an hour, which is impossible, considering that Kannazaki and Hinamiroba are an hour apart away.

At the Friday meeting of Cosplay Club, everyone at the meeting minus Bakura and Satoko was abuzz with the murder mystery. "Bakura-sa~n! Aren't you interested in solving a mystery?" Erika asked.

Bakura glared at the young detective. "The so-called 'victims' got what they deserved. Though not responsible for Mariku-chan giving his soul to the shadows, those hellions made his life miserable, especially the Kuran family and the Kiryu family. I don't wish to solve the mystery, because I don't care to give the 'victims' justice, or to put away the vigilante murderer. You got that, Erika Furudo~?" he snapped.

Satoko tried to smile. "Bakura-Nii-Nii, this is always about Mariku-Nii-san, isn't it?" She giggled.

Malik, being Mariku's older twin in this life, was evidently bothered by Bakura and Satoko talking about his little brother. "Stop it. It's unfair to talk about him as if he's dead. Mariku is not dead," he said.

Hidarimiya Ange, Malik's bodyguard and budding girlfriend, smiled. "Malik-kimi is right. He and his little brother have special bonds… so if Malik-kimi feels his brother isn't dead, then he's truly right about it."

Ryo closed his eyes. "I can remember it. Mariku-sama clung to Malik-sama and Akefia-kun from behind so they couldn't see; his flesh was torn from his bones into something resembling hamburger meat, and the shadows feasted on the meat. All the while, he spoke happily to them. It's terrible, really."

Munimura Shion was about to slap Ryo, but restrained herself. "Ryo-kun, you're the worst! Riku-chama didn't want them to see what was happening to them, but you told them anyway! If they hate you, I absolutely would not blame them! I know you hate Riku-chama, but describing his demise while smiling, and using fake sarcasm really pushes it! Now I understand why Keffi-kun doesn't want to investigate!"

"Enough, everyone. Don't fight, all right?" Hidarimiya Beatrice stepped in, unusually playing the role of peacekeeper. "I can sense you're all tense. But there's no need to fight amongst yourselves; witches should be the only ones to cause that." She laughed, and ruffled Malik's hair. "Isn't that correct, dearest?"

Battler looked uneasy. "A-are you referring to me, your husband? Or do you have eyes for…"

"That is none of your business, Battler!" Beatrice smirked. "Bakura-Kurenai-kun, you may leave."

Bakura waved, running off with a large book in his arms. He made it back to his house in less than an hour after he froze time. He took a seat on the sofa in the foyer, and opened the book. "Come, Mariku… demonstrate that you can appear to me as the real you and not just a shadow of yourself… my love…"

Mariku, the more malicious of the two Ishutaru twins, appeared with quite a dramatic change in appearance. "Um… the shadows decided to turn me into a girl, and put me in Hanyuu-chan's outfit…"

Bakura smiled, and pulled his… girlfriend to him. "Ah, it just means that my love for you gives a whole new meaning to single target sexuality, right, kana kana?" He kissed her, and giggled. Forty-five minutes later, they put their clothes back on. "Did you enjoy the victims I chose, kana kana?"

Mariku grinned; she had teeth nearly as sharp as Bakura's, despite her only claim to a supernatural being was a possible fallen angel and a witch. "I did, I did, nano desu!" She winked. "Nipaa, Kura!"

Bakura hugged his lover. "I'm glad you did. Ah, Mariku, you're beyond beautiful… I decided who the victims for the next part will be." He whispered in Mariku's ear, making her smile. "You love it!"

Mariku nodded. "I do… if anything, they burdened me more than Kuran-onii-sama, Riido-oji-kun, the Kiryu family, and everyone in Rika-chan's family besides sweet Rika-chan, nano desu. Am I right?"

"Indeed, my love… it's a shame that today, you only have an hour to share with me…"

Mariku blushed. "Mii. As part of that contract, my body and soul gets to spend an extra hour with each passing day in this world. Once the ritual is complete, you get to have me as long as you like, you do." Mariku leaned on Bakura's shoulder. "It's like a super scription of data… it is. Because you desire me, I'll always be present in your heart, Bakura. Let's make a pinky promise, Kura. I'll absolutely become yours."

Bakura linked pinkies with Mariku, and smiled. "How did that line go, kana kana? 'If you're lying, you have to swallow a thousand needles', am I right?" Mariku beamed. "I won't do that to you, but…"

Mariku giggled. "As if I would break that promise of us being together, Kura! You spent over a thousand years of endless attempts to make sure I lived past Shimamiya 34! You could say that the last attempt failed, but you're bringing me back to this world, Bakura. Naturally, I'd be indebted to you, I would." Mariku kissed… her… lover. "I apologize, but if I don't leave now, I'll get eaten by the shadows again…"

Bakura forced himself to let go, and Mariku vanished in a tempest of violet and black butterflies. "My Mariku… I promise my heart won't ever leave you. If you'll excuse me, I must plan for tonight."

The King of Thieves froze time at midnight as he approached the mansion. He was armed with a wooden and a metal stake, and his precious pocket knife. After easily picking the lock, he walked to the upstairs room of his victims. "Just for you, I'll unfreeze time in your room and let you experience true horror…" He said, licking his knife. He threw open the door, threw on the deadbolt, and unfroze time.

Ishutaru Aiko, Malik and Mariku's ten-year-old sister, was the first to notice the absence of her parents the next morning. Malik checked in their room, but was restrained by the deadbolt on the door. He called for the detectives of the area to investigate the door. Erika cut the deadbolt with a bolt cutter, but was not prepared for the murder scene behind the door. Ishutaru Amun and Rima lay on their bed, stabbed repeatedly in the throat and forehead. They were also gouged in the heart by stakes; Rima had a wooden stake in her heart that read "Mammon," and Amun was staked with a silver stake engraved as "Avaricia".

Erika was clearly intrigued by the closed room murder, and she licked her lips. "I doubt the killer escaped from the window, or is hiding in the closet. To stump a detective like me, I'm impressed!"

"It doesn't take much to overwhelm you, Furudo Erika," snapped a familiar yet unusual voice. "Look, I went to sleep a boy, and woke up as a girl. I had to go into my dead mother's clothes and figure out how these undergarments work. Don't argue with me about it, okay, kana kana?" Bakura stood akimbo.

Erika smirked. "Are those even real? They're like gigantic moons or melons!" Erika took the opportunity of an annoyed female Bakura to grope Bakura's chest, which was impressively buxom. "They are real! God, I envy that! And you're as attractive as ever, Bakura-san, though you looked girly before."

Malik groaned. "You two, shut up. You've probably scarred Aiko for life, more so than our parent's murder did." He looked over at Ange, who had rushed over and arrived at the same time as Erika had.

Bakura winked. "Whatever! Aiko-chan is as screwed up as all of us and you know it, Malik-kun!"

Shion ruffled Malik's hair. "Malik-kun, are you upset at all? I mean, as parents, they sucked, but…"

Malik smiled an obviously fake smile. "Of course I am. I'm forever tormented with the bloody demise of my younger brother, and now, I must raise Aiko on my own. Aside from the fact that I continue to hate Bakura-kun and Ryo-kun for making Mariku bet that Bakura-kun would win or my little brother would give his soul to the shadows, and that Ryo-kun forever scarred my mind, I'm perfectly fine, Shi-Shi-chan."

Aiko kissed her oldest brother's cheek. "Onii-Nii, I think it's okay to cry. Mariku-Nii-Nii, and Mama and Father gone… please, let your feelings out. Let the Witch of Love comfort the Witch of Pride…"

Malik nodded. "I'll cry for the loss of Mariku, for both of us, Aiko." Ange held him and stroked his head as he cried. Mariku's guardian witch, Eva-Beatrice, appeared, looking somewhat sympathetic.

Bakura, trying to fight off Erika, asked, "Malik-kun, can I bring Evatrice-san home, kana kana?"

Ange spoke for Malik. "I'm certain Malik-kimi would be glad if you left, Bakura, so feel free to take the dark witch with you as well." She gave a serious stare at the ghostly witch, who finally relented.

"You moron! You know we practically hate each other, and yet you're bringing me? Idiot!"

Bakura getting on her bicycle, threw Mariku's book at Eva-Beatrice. "Read that, you stupid witch. Mariku is not the least bit dead, and I'm bringing him… I mean, her, back. I can trust only you for now."

"I've known that! " Eva-Beatrice managed to hold the book, and read through it on the hour-long trip back to Bakura's mansion. "Well, BakuraKura-kun, I commend you for what's happening. I should have figured you're U.N. Owen. And I don't blame you in the least bit. Being by Mariku-kun's side the entire time, unable to protect him… I'm glad those who have died are dead." She cackled. "So, why do you need me?"

Bakura led the ghostly witch into her mansion, and took the book back. "Come, remember your form… Ishutaru Mariku…" She opened the book, and Mariku, still in a female form, appeared. "See?"

Eva-Beatrice took on a flesh form, and hugged Mariku. "Mariku-kun, I've missed you so much!"

"Eva-Beatrice-chan… Kura, you're really sweet for bringing Eva-Beatrice-chan to see me… you are." Mariku blushed, dressed in an outfit referred to as "Angel Mort" style. "I've missed you, too… I did."

Bakura grabbed Mariku's arm. "You and me-Sex, now! That's it for you two for now!" She dragged Mariku up to her bedroom, and giggled. "Six, Nine. Do those numbers seem sexual to you, kana kana?"

Mariku shook her head. "No… are they sexual, Bakura? Are they? Should I know that, nano desu?"

"Allow me to demonstrate why those numbers are sexual, Mariku." Bakura closed the door with magic, and pinned her lover to her bed. "For this, we'll just be using our tongues, my sexy and cute witch."

The two panted in each other's arms an hour later. "Kura… you're absolutely wild… in bed…"

"I wish you could take me out, Mariku. Then again, I'm only letting Evatrice-san know of you."

Eva-Beatrice blew the door off its hinges with an explosion, and stormed in. "Mariku-kun~!"

Mariku leaned up. "Well, Eva-Beatrice-chan… I'm all ears. What is it, nano desu? What is it?"

Eva-Beatrice sighed. "I answered the phone, and used Bakura-kun's voice. Stupid Ryo-kun is trying to get Bakura-kun and him married! I attempted to curse him out, but he hung up! How dare he steal my cu~te little Mariku-kun's love? I mean, I love you, Mariku-kun, but I let only this idiot love you! If he steals Bakura-kun from you, then you really have no reason for living! I know this as well as you do!"

Bakura jumped off the bed. "What the Hell? I'm ABSOLUTELY going to cuss Ryo-kun out!"

Mariku hugged herself. "Kura… we can't let this happen! We promised each other we'd marry when we were eighteen!" She hugged Bakura from behind. "Mariku's resurrection is meaningless if…"

"Yeah, I know…" She kissed Mariku lightly. "I may have to speed up the ritual; unfortunately, tonight is the third night. However, I'll be sure to praise your name." She smiled slightly. "It's a shame. Your boobs aren't as large as mine, but yours are the perfect size for me to squeeze. Right? Ku ku ku~!"

"D-don't make fun of them!" Mariku whined. "Y-you're the one who envies people! Envy me!"

Eva-Beatrice rolled her eyes. "Can we devote the hour Mariku-kun has left to less sexual things~?"

Bakura nodded. "Yeah, of course we can. Mariku is just cute enough to tease. And I don't mind you being yandere for me at all, my super cute angel! Or should I call you my cute witch, kana kana?"

The three decided to play around with magic, Bakura once again proclaiming to be the strongest. "Moron! If you're going to act like a ⑨, then at least call yourself 'atai', not 'ore-sama'!" Mariku giggled.

Bakura laughed, winked, and froze some of the flowers. "Very well. Eye am the strongest!"

Mariku tried to levitate on a broom. "I think… I'll just stick with being Alice. Who's Marisa?"

"Me!" Bakura and Eva-Beatrice proclaimed in unison. "I stole his precious thing!" "I steal magic!"

"Master Spark~!" Bakura shot off a giant laser. "Take my annihilation of love, you stupid witch!"

Eva-Beatrice shot off several bolts of energy. "Lävatein!" The powers collided and splashed.

Mariku, standing under the explosion, was not pleased, soaked in pink and white paint. "I… think the shadows are calling for Mariku, nano desu. See you again, Eva-Beato-chan, Bakura." She vanished.

Bakura sighed. She clutched her hand to her chest. "Mariku, you're so perfecto…"

"Come on, Cirno-Marisa-Florence-Bakura-kun. We have to plot for the Fourth Night."

Have I mentioned how long it took to type this chapter? Well, in any case, it's finished. Sadly, Crack Pairings Week(s) is coming close. And I've only finished this much. Well, at least I've gotten two crazy versions of Psychoshipping done. Naturally, you'll need to be well-versed in literature, Japanese culture, and mysteries to understand most everything. Bye-Bye.

Author's Notes:

Mariku's Epitaph-Based on Beatrice's (Umineko, recast her as the teacher) letter before the murders.

Yandere-A character who is literally crazy in love, usually enough to kill anyone who wants to steal their beloved from them.

Saw-edged cleaver – This is a reference to School Days and the character Kotonoha's weapon of choice.

Hamburger meat-Reference to the end of Alliance of the Golden Witch. Ange was given this death, minus the shadows.

Super Scription of Data-Reference to the Higurashi Rei opening song. The lines "Because you desire", "Let's make a pinky promise", and "If you're lying", are from "Super Scription of Data".

Mammon and Avaricia- Avaricia is Latin for Greed, and Mammon is the demon for Greed.

Erika's "Moons" comment- A reference to Chikane Himemiya in Kannazuki no Miko. One character calls this well-endowed Moon Priestess "Lunar Boob".

Witch of Love, Witch of Pride-Aiko's name means "Love Child", so her title as Witch of Love is fitting for her. Malik is the Witch/Sorcerer of Revival and Pride.

Throwing book-A slight Touhou Project reference. Patchouli Knolwedge throws books in some of the fighting games.

BakuraKura-kun-Eva-Beatrice's nickname for Bakura stems from certain roleplays.

U.N. Owen- U.N. Owen was the alias of the murderer in Agatha Christie's And Then There Were None.

Angel Mort- A maid uniform style found in Higurashi at a restaraunt named Angel Mort.

Take Me Out-a reference to the song by the Scottish band Franz Ferdinand.

Bakura's ⑨, "atai"/"ore-sama"…- Eva-Beatrice calls Bakura out for acting like the Touhou character Cirno, an ice fairy. She calls herself "atai", a childish form to refer to oneself, and it is translated in English as "Eye". Mariku attempts to be Marisa Kirisame, but sticks with playing Alice Margatroid, who is often shipped with Marisa. Bakura creates her own version of Marisa's Master Spark spell, and Eva-Beatrice borrows Flandre Scarlet's spell Lävatein. Eva-Beatrice's final nickname is an obvious reference to what Bakura played, as well as Bakura's Abridged Series name.

-Anything written between these is written in Engrish.

Bakura's speech: Bakura mostly ends his/her sentences in "ze", a masculine Japanese sentence ender. This is a slight reference to Marisa, who does the same thing.

Yandere-A character type who kills out of love.