Seymour Skinner sat at his desk across from one Bartholomew .J. Simpson, a fourteen-year-old blonde, blue-eyed trouble maker, who had just been sent in for the felony of "making a mockery of Ms. Krabapples class" and that term was used in the loosest sense of the manner, unlike principal Skinner Bart seemed to be in a chipper mood, no doubt proud of the terrors he had unleashed on the unsuspecting class
"Bart Simpson, why must you torment me so?" Seymour asked hopelessly, not even expecting a proper answer
"Because I like our little chats" Bart replied with a grin
"Oh there's no doubt about that!" Principal Skinner exclaimed, the sarcasm heavy in his voice
"Seriously Seymour, how long has it been since we've had a heart to heart chat?"
"Why just yesterday you were sent to my office for gluing the entire class's gym shorts to the ceiling" Principal Skinner replied seriously
"Really!? It feels like much longer don't'cha think?"
"No… I don't think!" Principal Skinner replied gravely trying to get back to the original subject, yet failing
"Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha" Bart burst into mocking laughter
"I didn't mean it like that!" Principal Skinner protested trying to get his dignity back, even though he knew that it had been stripped from him the moment he had first met Bart
"Please Bart; we need to discuss this horrible need of yours to grab attention"
"We've already discussed it" Bart replied icily
"No we haven't you keep dodging the subject!"
"Maybe I just don't like having my mind probed and analyzed!" Bart shot back haughtily
"I understand Bart bu…."
"I'm not a nut-job!" Bart interrupted "I've had plenty of psychiatrists poking at my mentality, and I'm warning you to stop while you've still got your sanity"
Skinner sighed, there was a lot about Bart he didn't understand, this was one of the things, most of the psychiatrists that Bart had been sent to wound up growing crazy themselves, the boy had a reputation for his mood swings, on the plus side they weren't as bad as his fathers, who by the way must be the only man Skinner has ever met who is on constant PMS
"Well young man" skinner went back to the original purpose of Bart being in his office "you did the crime so you have to do the time"
"That's more like it" Bart smiled
"Three weeks detention!"
"D'oh!"
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Nelson looked back at his reflection sullenly, his hair was still full of paint that damned Bart Simpson he thought angrily he didn't have to prank the entire class, even though it was kind of funny Nelson tried to suppress a laugh as he played back the scene in his mind, but two things befuddled him though, number one: where was Bart able to get all those gallons of paint? And number two: how on earth did Bart manage to find and sneak a wave machine to school?
*fluuuush*
"I made potty!" exclaimed young Ralph Wiggum who had just walked out of a bathroom stall
*fluuuush*
"Yes, I too made potty!" giggled Martin Prince as he walked out of a stall near Ralph's "hello friend nelson! I must say the red paint in your hair really brings out the green in your eyes"
"Shut up" Nelson growled "your fake flattery sickens me!"
"But it's not fake" cooed Martin while fluttering his eyelashes
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!" nelson clenched his fists
"It's a S-E-C-R-E-T" Martin winked
"I think he's flirting on you!" Ralph squeaked
Martin chortled turning a deep crimson clashing with his purple paint filled hair "I wouldn't say thaaaaaat"
Ten minutes later Nelson was sent to the principal's office, while Martin was sent to the nurse's office, and poor Ralph went crying to miss hoover who didn't give a shit about the terrors he had just seen
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Bart turned around to see Nelson entering the principal's office looking as angry as hell, and slightly disturbed
"Uno! Uno! One card!" Bart heard Principal Skinner exclaim happily, wordlessly Bart put down his card wondering what Nelson was in for now
"Plus four! Again!? This must be the sixth one Bart Simpson!" Skinner huffed "you're cheating aren't you?"
"Took you long enough, I thought I'd have to pull out the seventh one before you even notice" Bart replied smugly
"You and mother are one of the same" Seymour said shaking his head sadly
"Let me get this straight" Nelson growled "Bart nearly drowned the entire class in paint, and hispunishment is playing cards with the principal?"
"Yes, in addition to his three weeks of detention" nodded Principal Skinner
"Sounds fair" Nelson shrugged
"So what are you in here fo' guv?" Bart asked chipperly in his fake English accent
"Knocking out three of martins back teeth" Nelson answered matter of factly
"Oh lord!" Skinner gasped "what on earth for?!"
"For inappropriate coquettish behavior" Nelson answered gruffly
"Ah!" Skinner nodded noting to himself to look up "coquettish" in the dictionary later "nevertheless that is no excuse for your violent behavior, three weeks detention!"
"Three weeks!!"
"Each tooth is synonymous with one week's worth of detention"
"That's bull-shit!" nelson protested
"Yay!" Bart cheered "detention buddy!"
Nelson pulled back a fist and punched Bart across the jaw
"Ugh!" Bart spat out a tooth "my tooth!"
"That's four weeks detention now" Skinner said gravely
"Aw man!"
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Lisa Simpson walked happily back home, unlike Bart, her mischievous older brother, she was having quite a lucky day, in fact just having Bart locked up in detention for an hour or two made her day a whole lot better, she loved Bart but it was hard to stand his antics 24/7 so it was nice to get away from the riot
"heey liiiiisa!" sang a familiar and oh so irritating voice
"…" Lisa preferred to just walk on by and ignore the irksome person tailing her and my day was going on so perfectly she thought angrily
"I'm talking to you!" called the voice "can't you hear me?!"
"Hmm?" Lisa kept feinting deafness
"It's me Millhouse!" he called happily
Lisa kept on walking this time picking up the pace, behind her Millhouse also sped up oh Buddha! Lisa thought desperately can't he get a clue?! She started jogging, frantic to avoid talking to Millhouse yet to her horror he also started jogging
"I'll follow you to the ends of the eaaaaaarth!" he called as she broke into a run
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Nelson took a seat beside Bart in the detention hall; Bart was bent over a sheaf of papers writing frustratedly, Nelson observed this smugly since even though he had to be punished a week more, he didn't have to write lines Haw Haw! He thought complacently
"Stupid bitch of an educational system" Bart muttered irately under his breath
Nelson grinned, it was a kind of sweet irony, made sweeter every time Bart cusses. Nelson watched Bart's hand blur as it scratched upon the paper, his nails though cut short looked kind of feminine, probably due to the black nail polish, I don't get his taste in clothes at all! Nelson thought he has black painted nails, an earring, sometimes he puts on eyeliner and topped off with his usual orange shirt and blue shorts, as his eyes moved towards Bart's shorts he thought very short shorts might I add Bart's shorts reached inches above the knees, reminding Nelson of Martin's "hot pants", yet unlike Martin Bart didn't look unpleasant at all, he actually looks kinda hot! Nelsons mouth gaped as he realized what he had just thought, he quickly turned to look at Bart's face as if he could tell what Nelson was thinking, instead of an expression of shock or disgust as Nelson had just imagined, Bart's face was one of concern
"Are you okay?" Bart whispered "you're looking kinda red in the face"
"I'm just dandy" Nelson growled in reply then turned hurriedly away, as if talking to Bart had burned him
"Jerk! You don't have to be such an ass about it" Bart called to Nelson "that's what I get for worrying about you huh"
Nelson didn't turn to reply, but if he had he was sure Bart would be ogling at how red his face had become please god, please make this really be a fever and not a flush of realized sexual interest Nelson thought in despair.
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Meanwhile Principal Skinner sat in his office flipping through a thesaurus, he couldn't find a proper dictionary in the school library
"Ok The Synonym Finder written by J.I. Rodale, find me a synonym for coquettish"
He searched through the list of words with an intense look of concentration on his face
"Coordinate, … cope, … copious, … copiousness, … copper, … copse, … ahem cough copulation cough, … hack copulative cough, … copy, … copyist, … ah here it is coquet"
Skinner immersed himself reading the following four lines, growing more disbelieving with each synonym
"This thesaurus cant be accurate!" he read aloud some of the synonyms "flirt, … make googoo eyes at, … bill and coo. Maybe the synonyms for coquetry are more precise, … dear lord, sheep's eyes! That's worse than bill and coo! Maybe the next few synonyms are more... ahem clean, Gasp! … Spooning!! And this thesaurus was in the school library! That's it J.I .Rodale you filthy minded man your thesaurus is permanently banned from this schools library!"
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Authors notes: I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it, for that last paragraph I was actually planning to use a dictionary for reference but like Skinner I couldn't find one, so I was forced to use my sisters thesaurus, but the result was much better than I had planned, Skinner reading through a thesaurus is much more entertaining than him reading through a dictionary
J.I. Rodale I salute you