I Am Machine, a d.gray-man fanfic

A/N: This is dedicated to my long time friend, The most beautiful of lies. This is just to say...simply...thank you. Lyrics featured in this story are from the song "I Am Machine" by Three Days Grace. I am also currently addicted to their new song "Pain Killer".

He knew who he was.

Here's to bein' human.
All the pain and sufferin'.

As he watched his comrades falling in battle. Dying. Screaming in pain. Others rushing to their aid as he battled on ahead of them.

There's beauty in the bleedin'.
At least you feel somethin'.

And he couldn't help but envy them. Every single one of them.

I wish I knew what it was like,
To care enough to carry on.
I wish I knew what it was like,
To find a place where I belong...

What was it like...? He supposed he would never really know. What it was like. To feel.

He was special.

Set apart.

He was a Bookman.

But, I am machine!
I never sleep!
I keep my eyes wide open!
I am machine.
A part of me,
Wishes I could just feel somethin'.
I am machine!
I never sleep!
Until I fix what's broken.
I am machine.
A part of me,
Wishes I could just feel somethin'.

Sometimes...when he was permitted to do so...he would find himself wandering the streets.

Here's to being human.
Takin' it for granted.

He would take in the aftermath of every battle with the Akuma. His vivid emerald green eyes would take in the people mourning their dead. Rejoicing in those still living. Cleaning their shops. Repairing their homes.

The highs and lows of livin'.
To getting second chances.

He would watch as these people would reclaim their lives amongst the ashes and move on.

I wish I knew what it was like,
To care about what's right or wrong.
I wish someone could help me find,
Find a place where I belong...

And again...he would wonder what it must feel like...

As he would take these rarely allowed walks amongst the people he had saved, Lavi would find himself recalling the countless fights he'd had with Bookman. And they all ended the same. Every single one of them.

He was a Bookman.

He was a weapon.

Therefore he needed to remain neutral.

He needed to feel nothing.

But feeling nothing...well...that had never felt right to Lavi.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.
We were meant to feel the pain.
I don't like what I am becoming,
Wish I could just feel somethin'.

In the end, Bookman would always win. Always speak sense. And Lavi would continue being who he was.

Bookman.

Historian.

Neutral.

Exorcist.

Weapon.

I am machine!
I never sleep!
I keep my eyes wide open!
I am machine.
A part of me,
Wishes I could just feel somethin'.
I am machine!
I never sleep!
Until I fix what's broken.
I am machine.
A part of me,
Wishes I could just feel somethin'.

And he would always be left with that one question. What must it feel like...to feel?

The End