A/N: I'm back… for now. I'm sorry I've been away so long, for those of you who follow me. Work has been hectic, and I've added some schooling on top of that to earn a degree in Creative Writing. This is a one-shot story. I wrote this story to help me through some of my feelings.
Not Ready to Let Go
Kate is sitting on the couch of the empty loft. Her husband of 3 glorious months, Richard Castle, is at a meeting with his publisher. Alexis is in London studying abroad, while Martha is at her acting studio teaching her new group of students. While Kate sits on the couch, she enjoys reading a book she found on one of the shelves. Surprisingly, it is not one of the books her husband has written.
She reaches for her cup of coffee from the table in front of her, without looking up from the page she is reading. As she takes a sip of her coffee she hears the door to the loft open. She sets her mug down on the table and turns to see who has entered. She gives a bright smile to the person who has come through the door. "Hi, babe! How did your meeting go?" She sees the look on Castle's face and knows something is wrong. "What's wrong? What happened?"
Castle stands in the entryway. He hasn't moved since entering the loft. Kate gives him a little more time to answer. After a few minutes, Castle still hasn't said a word. He hasn't even acknowledged his wife.
Kate closes the book, without saving her place, sets the book on the coffee table, and walks over to where her husband is standing. Once she reaches Castle, she gently takes one of his hands in hers, while the other hand gently touches the side of his face. "Castle? Hey, look at me." For the first time since coming home, Castle acknowledges his wife by looking right into her eyes. Kate can tell tears are starting to form in his eyes, "talk to me, babe. What's wrong?"
Castle squeezes the hand Kate is holding, while tears a threatening to fall. He clears his throat, "it's my mom." A tear falls down Castle's cheek.
Kate reaches up to wipe away Castle's tears with her thumb. "Martha? What happened?"
Castle looks down at the floor between the two of them. Kate has to listen very closely to hear what Castle is saying, since he can barely get the words out. "She collapsed while teaching her acting students."
Kate gasps. "Oh my God, babe." She tugs Castle over toward the couch. "Come here. Sit down." The two of them sit down. Kate holds Castle's left hand in both of her own. "Have you seen her? Is she ok?" Castle shakes his head. "No, you haven't seen her, or no, she's not ok?"
Castle looks at his wife, then looks down at their joined hands. "Both… she's not ok and I haven't seen her."
"Oh, Castle I'm sorry. Why aren't you with her now? Do you want me to go with you? We can see her together."
Shaking his head, he answers Kate. "No. We can't see her."
Kate is slightly taken aback. "What? Why can't we see her? We're family."
He looks right into Kate's eyes as more tears roll down his face. "She's gone, Kate. I've lost my mother."
She has no words. Kate lets go of his hand to wrap one arm around his shoulders, while the other cradles his head close to her. Now, Kate has tears rolling down her own face.
Castle wraps both arms around his wife for comfort, while he cries over the passing of his mother.
Both Castle and Kate sit on the couch for a while, just embracing each other, comforting each other. After all the tears have been shed, Kate speaks first. "Have you called Alexis?"
"No. I haven't had the strength or the gut to do it yet."
"Babe, I know you're hurting right now and I don't want to try and tell you what to do, but Alexis has the right to know. Martha is her grandmother."
"I know. I think the reason I haven't called Alexis yet, is because I'm afraid of breaking down while on the phone with her, when she's thousands of miles away."
Kate rubs a hand up and down his back. "I know. But, I'm right here with you and for you. You need to tell her soon before she finds out from someone else. Your mother is a known actress."
Castle's head pops up. He knows Kate is right. He reaches in his pocket to get his phone. He doesn't care about the time difference between New York and London. He just needs to call his daughter and call her now. He looks for Alexis' name under his "favorites" list and hovers his thumb over her name. He looks at Kate with a pleading look. "Will you help me?"
Kate moves her arm from around Castle's shoulders to grab hold of his hand. She gives it a squeeze. "I'll be right here with you the whole time."
He gives her a shy smile. "Is it ok if I put it on speaker? I mean, just in case I can't get all the words out, you can help."
"Of course. I'll be here for the both of you. You're my family and I love you."
Castle gives Kate a smile and squeezes her hand. He presses his thumb on Alexis' name and turns the speaker on.
The phone rings. It rings and rings. Castle checks the time on his watch. It's only 10pm in London. It's unlikely Alexis would be asleep. Just before the call goes to voicemail a female voice comes on the line. "Hello? Dad?"
"Hi pumpkin."
"It's 10 o'clock at night here. What's going on?"
Tears start to form in his eyes again. "I miss you. I just wanted to talk to you. I would have called sooner, but I was in a meeting."
"I miss you too. But, I've only been in London for 2 weeks. I don't come home until May. That's 8 months away."
He barely gets words out while holding back tears. "I know. It's too far away. I want you home. I need you home."
"Dad? You got really quiet. I barely heard what you said. Is everything ok?"
Castle clears his throat as he can no longer hold back his tears. "Um, how soon can you come home?"
"Dad, what's going on? Is everybody ok?"
He has to clear his throat again and gives Kate's hand a squeeze for strength and comfort. "Kate and I are doing fine. Your grandmother…"
Alexis is getting really worried. "What about gram?" Castle doesn't answer, so Alexis calls out, "Dad?"
Kate wipes the tears away from Castle's face, but knows he can't continue. With the look he is giving her, she knows he is asking her to help him. "Alexis, it's Kate. You're on speaker."
"Kate, what's going on? What's wrong with gram?"
Kate lets out a sigh. "This isn't easy. Today, while Martha was teaching her acting class, she collapsed."
"Oh my God!" Alexis quickly realizes what's happening and starts to cry. "Kate?"
"Yeah, bud."
"She's gone, isn't she?"
Kate takes a deep breath. "Yes. I'm so sorry Alexis."
"NO!"
Both Kate and Castle hear Alexis crying on the other end. They can tell Alexis is in emotional pain. Hearing his daughter in this kind of pain, when she's so far away from home, is not easy for Castle. It makes him cry even more. Kate takes the phone out of Castle's hand and sets it on the coffee table, still leaving the phone on speaker. She wraps her husband up in her arms to comfort him, wishing she could do the same for her Stepdaughter, who is in another country.
"Alexis, are you still with me?" Kate knows the answer to that question, because she can hear Alexis crying on the other end, but just wanted to verify.
"Mm hmm."
"Ok. Your dad and I will look into getting you the earliest flight out, so you can come home. All I need you to do is to pack your suitcase and get yourself to the airport. Your dad and I can handle the rest. We'll figure everything else out when you get home."
"Ok. I think I can do that."
"Good. One of us will let you know which airport you will be flying out of and what time your flight is."
"Ok." Alexis clears her throat. "So, what happened? How did gram pass away?"
Kate looks at her husband and squeezes his hand. Castle shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders, but Kate is the one to answer. "We don't know sweetie. All we know is that she collapsed in the middle of teaching."
"Heart attack?"
"We're not entirely sure, but I wouldn't rule it out."
"Ok. I'm going to try and pack."
Castle clears his throat. "Ok, pumpkin."
"Before I hang up, can I ask you guys something?"
"Of course. What's on your mind?"
"Is it ok if I call one of you, in case I can't sleep? I hate being far away from the comfort of my family, especially during this time."
Kate and Castle look at each other. Kate gives Castle a nod. "Yes. Absolutely you can."
"Even Kate?"
Kate answers this one for herself. "Absolutely. I will be here for you, just as much as I am for your father. You're my family now, too. I love you.
"I love you too. Thanks, Kate."
"Always."
"I'm going to go. I need to get things ready to come home. I'll talk to you guys soon."
Castle picks his phone up from the coffee table. "Ok, sweetie. Call us if you need anything."
"I will. Bye."
Kate and Castle both reply. "Bye."
Castle hits the end button and locks his phone. He leans back on the couch and lets out a long sigh.
"How are you holding up, babe?"
"Eh, I could be better."
Kate places her right on Castle's left knee and rubs little circles with her thumb. "I know. Is there anything you need? Anything you want me to do?"
Castle rubs a hand on his face to clear away the tears that were shed. "No. Not at the moment. Thank you, though. Right now, I think I need to go for a walk. I need some fresh air."
"Ok. Do you want me to go with you?"
He looks into Kate's eyes and smiles. He takes his left hand and places it over hers that is resting on his knee. "I think I'll be ok." Castle sits up straighter to give Kate a kiss, before getting up from the couch. "I'll call you, ok?"
"Ok." Castle walks toward the door, but Kate stops him. "Castle?" Castle stops in his tracks to turn and look at his wife. "I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what it's like and it's not much to offer, but I am so very sorry."
Castle gives her a little smirk. "I know. Thank you."
In a whisper, "always".
After the door to the loft closes behind Castle, Kate gets up from the couch in search of her phone. She finds it sitting on the kitchen counter. She picks it up to make a call.
The phone rings 3 times before the person on the other end picks up. "Hi Katie."
"Hi dad. Are you busy?"
"No, not really. I was just trying to figure out what to have for dinner."
Acting like a shy little girl afraid of what the answer might be she asks, "will you come over and have dinner with me?"
"Sure, Katie. Where's Rick?"
Kate walks from the kitchen back to the couch. "He went out for a walk. I don't know when he'll be coming home."
"Alright. Is everything ok between the two of you?"
"Yeah, dad. We're fine. I just need someone to talk to and I would rather talk in person. This isn't something to really discuss over the phone."
Jim Beckett gets excited. "Are you going to tell me you're pregnant?"
Kate is completely surprised. "What?! No, dad. I'm not pregnant. I'm not even thinking of having my own kids yet. Castle and I just got married a few months ago. I just want to enjoy our marriage for a while before we expand our family."
"I'm sorry, Katie. I'm just excited on the thought of being a grandfather."
"I know. You will be a grandfather someday, just not now."
"I understand. So, do you need me to bring anything?"
Kate takes a seat on the couch and tucks her feet under her legs. "No, just you. I'm going to order Chinese food."
"Ok. I'll see you in a little bit."
"See you soon." Kate ends the call with her dad. As soon as the call ends she finds the number for her and Castle's favorite Chinese restaurant and orders food.
About 30 minutes later the Chinese food arrives. Kate pays the delivery man, closes the door, and heads to the kitchen to set the bags of food down on the counter. As soon as she places the food down on the counter there is a knock at the door. Kate walks over to the door to answer it. There, standing in the hallway is her father. "Hi dad." Kate wraps her arms around Jim to give him a big hug.
Jim embraces his daughter. "Hi Katie. What's going on? You haven't given me a hug like this in a long time. Is everything ok?'
Kate's eyes start to tear up before pulling away from her dad. "Please, come in. You're just in time. The food just got here."
Jim walks into the loft and waits for his daughter to close the door before walking to the kitchen together. "What's going on? You have tears in your eyes. I know you. Those tears are not happy tears. I've seen those tears before."
Kate wipes away the tears before they roll down her face. "It's Martha."
"Oh, Katie. I'm sorry. What happened?" Kate starts taking the food containers out of the bags, but Jim reaches for her hand to stop her. "The food can wait. We can always warm it up. What happened to Martha?"
Kate drops her chin to her chest as her eyes form new tears. She looks up into Jim's eyes. "She passed away a few hours ago."
"Sweetie, I'm so sorry. Come here." Jim wraps his arms around Kate and rubs a hand up and down her back. Not letting go of his daughter he asks her, "do you want to go sit on the couch?" Kate nods. "Ok, let's go."
Jim and Kate walk over to the couch to make themselves comfortable, meanwhile leaving their dinner on the kitchen counter. Jim sits at the end of the couch leaning against both the back and the side. Kate sits down next to him and curls herself into Jim's side, just like as if she was a little girl seeking comfort.
Kate wipes away a tear. "I'm not ready, dad."
"Ready for what?"
"I'm not ready to let her go. I know exactly what Castle is going through right now. I've lost a mother, so I know what it's like. But, I'm not ready to lose another mother."
"Oh, I know sweetie. I know."
"Martha can be nosy a lot of the time and give unsolicited advice, but she has such a warm heart. She's passionate, caring, and loving." Tears start to roll down Kate's cheek. "She makes me feel like a part of the family. She has since the very first day I met her. What am I going to do without her?"
Jim rubs his hand up and down Kate's arm as he lets her express her feelings. "It's hard, I know. You've gotten through it once before and you can do it again."
"It's different this time. I almost didn't make it through the last time. When mom died I fell down a deep, dark hole, and almost didn't make it out. Castle is the one that helped me out of that hole. He helped me find happiness again."
"Ok, so you need to do the same thing for him. Be there for him. Help him through this. I'm sure Alexis is going to need you too."
Kate pulls herself away from her dad and looks at him. "I don't know how to be there for him. I mean, I don't think I can do the same things he did for me. He's more charming, romantic, and thoughtful than I am."
"Katie, everybody grieves in their own way. Maybe you don't do everything exactly the same as he did. Just listen to him. Listen with your ears and your heart. He can be telling you what he needs without having to say a single word. You're a detective. A very good detective. Look for some signs. You also know him better than anybody else. You'll know what he needs, even if you don't realize it."
The door to the loft opens. Jim and Kate look over and see Castle entering the loft. After Castle closes the door he turns and sees his father in-law and his wife sitting on the couch. He is surprised to see Jim there. "Oh, hi Jim. I didn't know you were coming over."
"Neither did I, until Katie called me and invited me over." Jim gets up from the couch to walk over to greet his son in-law. "Rick, I am terribly sorry for your loss." Jim wraps his arms around Castle to give him a hug.
Castle returns the hug. "Thanks, Jim. And thank you for being here for Kate. I'm not exactly the best husband right now."
"It's ok Rick. You're doing what you need to. Katie and I both understand."
"Thank you." Castle walks to the couch to give his wife a kiss. "Hi, honey. How are you doing?"
"I'm doing ok. But, I should be the one to ask you how you're doing."
Castle lets out a sigh. "I'm doing as well as I can be, I guess."
She nods and stands up from the couch. Kate gives Castle another kiss. "Are you hungry? I ordered food from our favorite Chinese place."
"I don't really have much of an appetite."
Kate places her hands on both sides of Castle's face. "You might not have an appetite, but you need to eat something, even if it's just a little bit. I can't have you collapsing either, due to lack of nourishment."
"Yes, dear."
Kate and Castle walk hand in hand to the kitchen to get something to eat. Kate calls over her shoulder, "come on dad. Help yourself to some dinner."
"Alright. Thank you."
The three of them enjoy their dinner in a comfortable silence. Nobody wants to say anything, especially Jim. He is there to be a comfort for both Rick and Kate.
When everybody has finished eating and has said their goodbyes, Kate walks Jim to the door, while Castle cleans up the kitchen. He puts any leftovers into the fridge and throws away the empty containers. When Kate gets back to the kitchen she asks if there is anything she can help with. Castle shakes his head. Everything is taken care of. He tells Kate that he's ready to go to bed. He might not get any sleep, but he's going to try.
Kate and Castle finish getting themselves ready for bed. Castle is the first to get into bed. As Kate is climbing into bed a thought occurs to her. "Castle?"
"Hmm."
"Did you book a flight for Alexis?"
Castle slaps his forehead. "No. I completely forgot. I was too much in my head."
"It's ok. I'll take care of it. You try and get some sleep."
"Thank you. My wallet with the credit card should be on the dresser."
"Ok." Kate gives Castle a quick peck on the lips before getting his wallet and heading into the office to book a flight for Alexis.
Once Kate has booked the flight from London to New York, she gives Alexis a call. Kate tells Alexis that she has the first flight out of Heathrow Airport the following day. Kate sends an email to Alexis so she has the information, as well as saving a copy for herself and Castle. When Kate gets off the phone with Alexis, she sits in the desk chair a while longer, just thinking. Castle's laptop is sitting on the desk and she decides to open it. She doesn't open it to read anything he has written, she opens it to consider writing something herself.
She clicks on the icon to open the writing program. Once the program opens she goes to the top of the screen to click on a button that starts a new document. The blank page stares back at her with the cursor flashing at the top of the page, just waiting for her to write something. She knows she's not so great at the words, but there is a part of her that is aching to get the words out she has playing in her mind.
Kate looks through the open door between the office and the bedroom, to make sure she won't get interrupted. When she's sure that Castle is asleep, she starts to type.
Dear Martha,
Where do I begin? You know just as well as I do that I'm not so great with the words. I always leave that up to Castle. Anyway, I need to get this off my chest… You left us way too soon. You left us less than 24 hours ago. I have to tell you that I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to lose another mother. You told me that you could never replace my mother, but that you could at least be a mother figure to me, and you have. I knew I could always count on you to be there when I needed a mother. You gave me advice whether I asked for it or not. You loved me like I was family. You loved me like the daughter you never had.
You had such a loving, caring, and warm heart. What am I going to do without you? What am I going to do without you, especially when I'm pregnant with your grandchildren? Who will give me motherly advice? You brought a certain light and joy to this family, which will never be the same again. The energy of this household will certainly be different.
I don't know what else to say, except, thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for bringing such a wonderful man into the world, who I'm proud to call my husband. Thank you for loving me the way that you did. Thank you for everything.
I will miss you terribly. I will certainly be think of you and my own mother when I find out I'm pregnant. I'll be thinking of both of my moms as I go through my pregnancies. And of course, I'll be thinking of the two of you when I bring new life into this world. A world where my children will never know either of their grandmothers. But, I assure you, the two of you will never be forgotten. I intend to tell my children all about their grandmothers and how wonderful and loving they both were.
Martha, I can't believe you're gone. It is hard to imagine this life without you in it. I am sad that you are no longer here amongst us, but I should also celebrate the life that you had. Will you do me a favor? Will you and my mom look after each other? Will you also watch over those of us still here in this world? Thank you, Martha. I don't think any of us will ever be ready to let you go. I miss you already, and I love you.
Your loving daughter in-law,
Katherine Houghton Beckett-Castle
THE END