Author: So, this is just a little something I wrote for a prompt on the LJ BBC kink meme. If you haven't seen the "eHarmony cat lady" video on youtube, I recommend you do so. Only because it makes this more humorous. Cracky fill is cracky.
Finding a way to arrange a meeting with Sherlock hadn't been difficult at all. Jim enjoyed adopting new personas, loved finding a new voice to the many he already had collected in his head. He willingly became Jim from IT, willingly twisted his tongue and appearance into yet another disguise. Certain aspects of the charade, such as the meticulous grooming, came easily. Others did not.
Possibly the most difficult part of crawling into Gay Jim's skin was fitting himself to the silly little girl's tastes. He spent weeks observing her, watching her from a distance to slowly dissect her. He watched the way she twirled her hair at the cashier in the market; he smirked to himself as she pushed herself increasingly desperately towards Sherlock. He frowned as she stopped in little gift shops to let her fingers stroke over the soft fold of a stuffed kitten, or when she stood for long, torturous minutes in front of the cages of the local animal shelter, her eyes pining away for one of the furry little devils.
No, some parts of being Jim from IT were not fun at all.
-oOo-oOo-oOo-
Molly heaved a sigh, pulling her legs under herself in her desk chair and cuddling up for another long night of scrolling through eHarmony videos. She had recently signed up for the service after having a particularly troublesome fantasy that may or may not have involved a rather attractive corpse that had been brought in for her inspection. In her defense, the corpse had been fully alive and animate in her little day dream. And if Sherlock happened to have sauntered in during the middle of it, well, who could blame her?
Anyway, she had recently opened an account with the online dating service, but had yet to arrange an actual meeting with any of the potential matches. If she was going to do this, she wanted to make sure she did it correctly and found someone at least physically desirable. On a Sexiness Scale of Anderson to Sherlock, she wouldn't take anyone below a Lestrade. A John would be nice, but she wasn't going to get her hopes up too high.
She clicked through some profiles before stopping on that of a quite pleasant looking young man. His picture at first just caught her eye because of the dashing shades of purple and blue that adorned the background of it, but then her eyes were drawn to other aspects of the picture. Like his smile, which appeared both playful and coy. Or his eyes, which were a deep shade of brown, like never ending pools of chocolate pudding. He even had soft crinkles around those eyes, showing a warm sense of humor. She found herself smiling back at the picture as if sharing in on a private joke with it. Everything about him just seemed infectious and cuddly. For the first time, she clicked on his introductory video, wondering just what this peach-sweet man had to say to her.
He softly cleared his throat, "Hello, my name is Jim. Um...this is my first attempt, oops!" He fumbled with the webcam for a moment before readjusting it in his lap. "This is my first attempt at making an eHarmony video. This is my first time trying online dating, so I'm nervous, but I'm excited at the same time."
He threw a smile that somehow managed to be adorably heartbreaking at the camera and then continued. "So um...I'm just going to start talking about what I like and hope I get some replies!" His semi-self-deprecation was killing Molly; she just wanted to jump through the screen and hug him and coo to him that he needn't be nervous. Instead, she kept watching. "So um, I am a recent Associate's grad from London Community College. Um, I love cats. Um, I just..."
His voice cracked and halted as he wiped at his eyes. Evidently, tears had begun to pool up in them. Molly was melting as she watched him become so open and vulnerable. "Sorry, I'm getting emotional. I love cats. I love every kind of cat. Sorry-" He broke off once again as his voice choked and he had to wipe at his tear-streaked cheeks once again. "I just really love cats. And I just want to hug all them but I can't because that's just crazy. Can't hug every cat!"
His anguish was now causing his voice to heighten in pitch and his words were becoming rushed and strained-sounding. "But I just want to, I want to! I just want to-um, I'm sorry, I just get..." He had to pause to take a calming breath, but it didn't seem to help relax any of the emotion that was causing his voice to become watery and his eyes to crinkle in a pained manner. "Anytime I hear "cat" I just...Whoo," he exhaled and licked his lips, now staring at the ceiling instead of the camera. "I promised myself I wouldn't cry. So anyway...I am a cat lover and I love to run..."
He gasped and buried his face into his hands as fresh sobs wracked through his body. His words were slightly muffled but still audible as he continued. "I'm sorry, I'm just thinking about cats again. I just, I think about how many don't have a home, and how I should have them and how cute they are, and their ear," he made little kitty ears atop his head using his hands and then gestured accordingly for, "And their whiskers, and the nose. I just love them, and I want them."
The agony that had been evident earlier was quickly being replaced with something like fierce desire. "And I want them in a basket, and I want little bowties. I want them to be on a rainbow, and in my bed so we can cuddle. And I just want a house full of them, and I just want us to roll all around." His sobbing had reached a crescendo; he was repeatedly swiping his hands across his eyes in an effort to displace the tears, but they continued to stream down his face. Finally, he took a deep breath and leaned forward, finger reaching for the disconnect button on his laptop. "I can't...I just-I can't..." The screen went black.
Molly sat in silence, her heart simultaneously breaking and alighting in rapture as she watched the video again and again and again. He was wonderful; he was marvelous; he was sweet and beautiful and perfect and just...just perfect. And he loved cats!
-oOo-oOo-oOo-
After Molly responded to his video, Jim infected eHarmony with the deadliest virus he could engineer, causing their servers to crash and lose any and all data. Then, for good measure, he had a mysterious gas leak cause their headquarters to explode into a brilliant burst of flames. When that was all done, he smashed the laptop he had used to film the video with a sledgehammer before putting the bits under the fiery wrath of a flamethrower. He finally finished the job by burying what little remained of the laptop in a standard eight foot deep grave.
No one was ever, ever going to find out what he'd done.